Sigh. You don’t get to choose most of the time these days. Good advice here from everyone.
It is only early September. Wait until it gets closer to Thanksgiving to see what is happening. I would recommend not paying for any more visits home. It is really important for a college freshman to stay engaged on campus for at least the first 6 weeks. Emphasize that she needs to be engaged at school for at least 4 or 6 weeks
I’d try not to worry about it this early. Who knows what might transpire with a long distance relationship between now and the holidays? Most don’t last.
If it does last that long, I’d touch base with your daughter a couple of weeks ahead of her visit home and let her know what family events you expect her to participate in. I’d also invite the boyfriend to some of them. Better to keep him close than push both of them away, IMO.
My in-laws have never been warm and accepting of me, from the very beginning. It hasn’t been a good relationship and they are on the losing end of it. I’ve made a concerted effort to always strive to have a good relationship with my kids’ significant others, some of whom I’ve liked better than others. I always treat them as a potential, future in-law.
I might have a slightly different view.
We figured that once our daughters went to university they were out on their own for at least 8 months of the year (several years later it has gotten to be more like 11 1/2 months per year). We might have been paying but we were not there to watch their lives. At this point my wife and I needed to trust them.
They are likely to date someone. If they date a good guy who treats them well, then we are ahead of average. If they also keep their grades up (both did), then we are way above average.
When they are home, we mostly do not let them make noise at home too late at night. Otherwise we do not try to control their lives. It is better to keep good relations with our daughters, to keep good relations with their significant others, and to know what is going on.
If their grades were to slip we might have a very different situation. Fortunately this did not happen.
Assuming this relationship lasts into the next break, I think some compromise/creative parenting may be in order. Make plans - dinner reservations, a quick overnight trip, a dinner party - and make it clear your daughter is expected to take part. Simply tell her ahead of time so she can plan accordingly. Say something along the lines of “I know you’ll want to see Joe-the-boyfriend, and I’m totally OK with that. But I would really like you to join us for this/these time. And of course, Joe-the-boyfriend is welcome in our home anytime.” The last thing you want to do is to let her know you’re apprehensive about him/his influence & make her defensive/rebellious where he’s concerned. Good luck. This too shall pass.
We had what I think is an analogous situation with different details, that aren’t really relevant but are on one of my threads if you are interested.
I didn’t really think the gf was good for S, she made him a worse person, and was pretty successful at turning him against us. That lasted 3 years. We were polite and always invited her to everything, flew her from college to join us on our vacation, and generally tried to make her feel welcome. There were some limits, but generally we figured he was going to do whatever he wanted anyway, so no reason to poison the relationship.
He ended up following her to a school that was a bad fit for him, and late this summer kind of figured out that both the school and gf were a bad fit. So he changed both things, transferred to the school he always wanted before her and got rid of her at the same time.
I’m not sure that would have happened if we hadn’t left the door open. I don’t have all the answers about parenting, and to be honest some days I feel like I don’t have any of the answers. But my advice would be to be sure you keep the door open, so if she has doubts in the future she feels like she has a safe place to land and not be told “I told you so”, or even worse feel like she isn’t welcome anymore.
Plus to be honest I thought there was a good chance they would get married, and if she knew how we felt we probably wouldn’t see him or future grandkids much.
Believe me, there were plenty of days I wanted to scream at my kid, “What is wrong with you? How could you be such an idiot? Don’t your see what she is doing?” I’m glad I never did.
Agree lot’s of good advice. Hope she meets someone else at school this semester!
It is not unusual for kids to come home at Thanksgiving and spend very little time at home, beyond Thanksgiving day itself and maybe breakfasts, especially freshman year of college. The kids are excited to see their friends, who are all together again for the first time since leaving. In her case, if the bf is still in the picture, she will likely want to spend as much time with him as possible and requesting her to be home for dinner may not work.
For the winter break, you may want to set some specific times to celebrate together, but again may be unrealistic to expect her to be home more than she was in the summer. It can be really frustrating to not be able to plan for dinner (when you are home to cook, they end up out and when you are out, they are asking what is for dinner!).
The most important thing is to maintain the relationship with your daughter. Hopefully, this relationship will run out of steam or the bf will get serious and do well.
I think the situation is pretty simple.
You have three somewhat overlapping goals: You don’t like the boyfriend, think he’s inappropriate, and you wish they would break up. Regardless of what you think of the boyfriend, you are uncomfortable about your daughter’s sexual activity and wish she would tone it down. You miss her and want to spend meaningful time with her.
I (and any parent) can sympathize with goals 1 and 2, but basically, they are bad goals. Not necessarily illegitimate – although your daughter will think they are – but almost certainly dead ends. You are not going to be successful with them, and trying to accomplish them will inevitably lead to conflict and probably have the opposite outcome than the one you hope for, at least in the short term. What’s more, anything you do to further those goals, no matter how cleverly disguised, is likely to be perceived by your daughter for what it is. Trying to be sneaky will likely blow up in your face.
That leaves #3. That’s completely legit, and your daughter probably thinks so, too. So try to schedule high-quality time with her that doesn’t feel like it’s trying to pry her away from the boyfriend, or keep her out of his bed. Act as if you liked him, include him in some things, but not in a way that feels chaperoned, or treating him other than as an adult. Recognize, as is always the case, that when kids grow up and get attached to other people, that means getting attached to other families, too, and you lose your monopoly on holiday celebrations. Accept that, but it’s OK to insist on getting a fair share for yourself.
Basically, you are more or less done raising your daughter. If there’s some important value of yours you have failed to instill in her yet, it’s too late to start now. You have to trust her. If she’s making a mistake with this guy, she’ll figure it out. There’s a chance she’s not making a mistake; maybe over time you’ll figure out what she sees in him. In either case, they are likely to break up. But there’s a non-trivial chance that he’ll be around for a long time. So act accordingly, and treat it as practice.
(Note: The situation was a little different, because they were the same age and college classmates, and that age was 22 when the romantic relationship began, but my son was the inappropriate boyfriend-now-husband. His in-laws learned with some difficulty that they could try to break up the relationship, or they could have a good relationship with their daughter, but not both. And over time they figured out that her attraction to him was not mysterious, immature, or inconsistent with how they had raised her, and that he was perfectly capable of fitting into their family.)
The way I look at it is you had 18 years to raise your kids the way you wanted to, now its their opportunity to be an adult and make their own decisions, right or wrong. You don’t have to like the boyfriend or the situation but its not YOUR life, it’s your daughters. I would love and support your daughter the best you can and hope she makes the best decisions for herself. It’s time to let go of the reins a little…
So maybe I see this different as a dad. He is 23 and she is 18. He is not motivated and thinks college is not a positive experience. Does anyone else seem to think something is wrong here? This is a large age difference at this age. Two different maturity levels at this point.
We told our kids when coming back home to visit that it’s not all about them. We want to spend time with them as much as they want to spend time with their friends. We miss them and we let them know that. This actually makes sense to them.
Yes, kids should be in school the first 6 weeks. There are studies on this and why parents weekend is usually around 6 weeks into the school year. It’s planned that way
I am more concerned with her stifling relationships that she could be making at school.
As far as future SIL…please… You can change your tune when needed. But I would question nicely to her what his future plans for “himself” are? At 23, he should be on his way to a job or career at some point. If he’s not does she plan to support him?
Right now it’s all just fun and sex (sorry about that ?) but at some point the light bulb needs to go off for her.
Newsflash: Plenty of people don’t go to college and are perfectly good people and suitable partners. 
"Right now it’s all just fun and sex "
We don’t know that. I think there is a tendency to trivialize relationships of young people and I don’t think that is fair. I met my husband when I was 18 and although there is only 3 years difference in age instead of 5, I don’t think it is a substantial difference. It’s not like OP’s daughter is engaging in some trivial hookup from the description.
I met my wife when she was 16 and I was I8. Dated 8 years and going on 32 years so I get it.
@doschicos there is a big difference between 3 and 5 years at this age. If you told me 30 and 35. That is a different story. Life experiences are different.
Don’t think their having pillows fights whenever she sleeps over. Yes, just assuming on what I said. Same if it were my kids. Not excusing…
Yes, many fine people I know are not college educated.
This is just a gut feeling. Yes, I do think a 23 boy that is hanging out with an 18 year old girl, who is in college, doesn’t exactly sound right to me. Just my dad antennas going up ?.
Just an opinion, not saying I am right. Just a gut feeling.
I agree. The age difference is quite significant for an 18 year old. As a mom, I wouldn’t like it either.
Probably. If my general observation of the world holds, the 18 year-old girl is likely at least a couple years more mature than the 23-year-old boy. He may never catch up, though. (My sister’s favorite women-in-finance joke: Q - What’s the difference between men and bonds? A - Bonds mature.)
You can change your tune, but you can never change the beginning of the relationship. It took my wife about 20 years to forgive my parents for their less-than-full acceptance at the outset of our relationship, and the forgiveness was only complete when her own children got married, years after my parents had died. Sometimes, you can’t avoid a situation like that, but my parents sure wished they had tried harder.
I agree with @JHS completely (especially on the first point, as the mother of 3 boys . . .)
I would invite the boy to be closer and be more a part of your family. My parents did that with my horrible college boyfriend, and they never criticized him even though he lived WITH us between sophomore and junior years. That summer allowed me to see my boyfriend through my parents’ eyes, knowing their values, etc. I broke up with that boy as soon as we got back to school.
Also agree that how you start is how you will go. If this boy becomes your son in law starting out so hostilely will mean you may never repair the relationship and you’ll go through the rest of your life with a damaged relationship with your daughter.
This sums it up for me. She is 18 and on your dole, you have plenty of leverage.
You are paying the bills and buying the tickets thus your leverage but do you really want to assert that leverage in a large way and ruin the relationships for the future? You allowed the cohabitating over the summer so this will be a confused message this vacation to the two younger adults. Today you are the mature adult in charge but fast forward to where they are the mature adults and having their own kids. You may find your access and family time limited if you are seen as having been against the boyfriend/now spouse. Be careful as a lot of those young boyfriends/girlfriends end of staying and have long memories
For a short break like Thanksgiving, I think establishing a schedule may work. If other relatives are coming for dinner or the weekend, that gives you a good reason to set a few meals, to ask her to keep late nights to a minimum, to spend a little time with grandparents/cousins/siblings, with or without the BF.
For the longer Christmas/New Years break, it might help if she had something that required her to keep a schedule - a temp job, some time away with the family, a ski weekend? She probably doesn’t want to spend 4-5 weeks just hanging out at home.
I hope this is all moot when she finally comes home.
I do think there can be an age difference even when one is 18 and one is 25 and yet still be a balanced relationship. My daughter dated a guy who was 6 years older. He’d dropped out of school, but he wasn’t any more mature than she was, and she was pretty immature (IMO). It didn’t work out but for other reasons, one of the biggest reasons was money - neither had any! Out of her 3 long term boyfriends, he was the biggest age difference and yet it seemed like they were at the same level, and I liked him the best of the 3. The current BF is only a year older but I think they are the least suited.
This this this THIS. I will never forget one of the first things my MIL ever said to me. Mr R was telling her about me and how proud he was of putting myself through school, etc. She looked at me and just said “Well aren’t you just the little overachiever”
It set the tone for our whole relationship and 10 years later, we’re still not close and she’s done several things that I will never forgive and forget.
To the OP - honestly, this relationship will almost certainly just fizzle out. But if you try to push it apart, she might hold on out of spite. I’m speaking as someone who was in that situation not all that long ago. (And our relationship fell apart on its own, and I began dating my now-spouse shortly after.)