I was going to write what JHS did. All the current research seems to indicate that men’s brains mature on average years later than women’s. I’ve also known a surprising number of relationships with an college educated woman with a man who is not, and they seem to have long-lived happy marriages. I’m with the majority here. Be as welcoming as possible. You can certainly forbid unmarried sex in your home if that’s the way you roll, but it will almost certainly mean you will see less of your daughter. I also agree that in my experience kids are much more interested in seeing their friends over Thanksgiving break than their parents.
“Don’t think their having pillows fights whenever she sleeps over.”
I don’t think the fact she is having sex with a partner (seems very normal to me, btw) should be part of the issue/discussion at all.
Would any of you posters taking issue with that have the same concern if it was an 18 year old son?
As for those who said to consider that this man might become a permanent member of the family, I’d like to say that care would be warranted even if he doesn’t. My mother still speaks disparagingly about boys / men I dated before husband and I got together. It’s unkind and has served to erode my trust in her.
It’s unkind to the partners but it’s also unkind to your child. You’re basically putting them down in many ways, questioning their judgement.
Maybe the relationship works, maybe it’s just a stepping stone, and the experience that comes with that, to find the right future partner.
Plus, our children are their own people. They will seek different attributes in their relationships than we would seek in our own.
The 18 year old is an adult, but if the parents are paying for the trip home, the parent still gets to set the terms. The child/student may choose not to come home, but I doubt it.
I hope the goal is to have a pleasant visit while not feeling used.
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Thanks all, this is OP here. The range of comments is insightful and useful. The boy is immature, for sure. We’ve been kind and friendly to him, and he is not a “bad boy” (and I know bad boyfriends as my kid has some a couple of them that were outright dangerous). He is just an anti-college loaf-about, pretty lost in life himself as far as I can tell, with little to no drive or ambition or at this point, no direction to get a real job and grow up. I’ve cooked them dinner many a night and taken them to the movies and the theatre. But the layout of our small apartment is such that it feels very awkward having him spend the night here, it puts a cramp on own sense of privacy, hence our “curfew” rule that our kid chafes at. I do feel that our kid should “be expected” to do a bit of hanging with the parents, but yes, we are hurt that she obviously has zero desire. I do think first-year college students make a mistake in investing in a serious relationship at such a young age. They are just too immature and don’t have any real sense of life’s possibilities or even knowledge of themselves to make wise decisions. Just don’t really know how to play the razor’s edge of this -not alienating daughter, but not enabling or indulging in what we know is a problematic. If they love each other so much they can wait until graduation to date again.
I don’t think anyone here is saying they like this relationship, but that is not the issue. It’s her relationship and I think we need to give the benefit of the doubt to the daughter you raised to make sound relationship decisions for herself. I also would not use the “well I pay for your college so you have to do what I say” argument as that will only make her resent you and push her away. She isn’t 12 years old anymore, treat her with respect and love, she is an adult and part of growing up is being in “bad” relationships and learning from them no matter how difficult it may be for you. I like the saying “this too shall pass”.
“They are just too immature and don’t have any real sense of life’s possibilities or even knowledge of themselves to make wise decisions. Just don’t really know how to play the razor’s edge of this -not alienating daughter, but not enabling or indulging in what we know is a problematic. If they love each other so much they can wait until graduation to date again.”
Did you not have any romantic relationships in college? Most people aren’t that “clinical” about their romantic relationships to forgo them (and all the passion that comes with it) and wait until graduation. Thousands and thousands of years of genetic programming are working against you on this one. 
One college break is going to turn into another. Really, the college year goes so fast. Fall break. Thanksgiving. Christmas/Winter break (often a month long!) Spring break - before you know it, the year is gone. Take the first break she is home for the year and set some expectations. “So excited to have you home for Thanksgiving break! Just so you know ahead of time we’ll be going to Aunt Carol’s on Thursday around noon and on Saturday I’d love to take you out for lunch and shopping - how’s that sound?” Make sure you paint a positive picture of spending time together, include the BF when it feels appropriate (not just when you feel like it) and see how this goes. Tweak, rinse and repeat for Christmas.
If this guy truly has what she’s looking for (for this moment in life anyway) she’s probably going to stick with him for the time being. If he’s not, she might start noticing/paying attention to other guys at college. But that will be her call.
I am very grateful for the full range of so many useful and diverse opinions and ideas and considerations that people posted in response to my query. The script that abasket suggested above is what I think I will attempt. Thank you all! I will continue to read this in case more thoughts get posted.
I started dating my now spouse our 2nd year of college. We would’ve dated year one but I was still with my high school boyfriend.
Within weeks of dating, he had moved into my dorm room and by the next school year, we lived together.
We’ve been together for nearly a decade now, married for 4 years, and have a baby on the way. We have a fantastic marriage and have been through hell and back together in our relatively young lives.
Don’t disparage young relationships just because they’re young people. Many of us married our college sweethearts and are still doing great.
In these situations, you have to make a choice between wielding power and having influence. Power would mean pulling out some financial stops (i.e., making her college payments conditional on her staying home with you) , while influence would mean making her want to spend time with you. With pseudo-adults (okay, she’s a legal adult, but you know what I mean) exerting power seldom yields a good result, so I’d opt for influence.
Include her and her boyfriend, even if you think he’s a skanky dirt weasel, every single time you invite her over. Hold your nose, but do it. She thinks of them as a package deal, so you should, too. If you want to see her alone, ask her out for a mother/daughter shopping excursion (or whatever she likes to do). The goal is to spend as much time as you are able with her so that you can be the voice of reason, and so that she knows you have her back when the whole thing falls apart. The odds are good that it will, so just hang in there.
“I love him so much, but Mom thinks we are too immature to really know what love is so I think I’ll break up with him and start dating him again in four years. I mean, if we truly love each other, we can just pick up where we left off.”
Yeah, THAT’s gonna happen.
My dad telling me not to date my HS boyfriend when he went away to college did no good at all. It just made me dig in my heels more. Of course, Dad was right in the long run, but his approach didn’t work.
@massmomm – “skanky dirt weasel” – OMG, Best Phrase Ever!!
(Still chuckling to myself)
We were so nice to that unsuitable other. It worked. D2 was so pleased. The other (with deep issues with “family,”) was aghast.
But it’s a calculated risk.
@romanigypsyeyes. You were “both” in college, making something of yourself. This is not that situation. I just have visions of this guy not doing anything all day and she’s in college trying to better herself. I have been witness to people bringing down others for “love”. Kids dropping out, moving OOS to live the dream then end up on welfare with no education /jobskills. Yes, I know I am overthinking this.
@Knowsstuff you missed my point.
And no, he was in college because that’s what was expected of him. What he does now didn’t require a college degree.
Besides, you can make something of yourself without going to college. (I’m the first and only in my family to go to college and most everyone turned out just fine - including my sister.)
Just because someone’s not in college doesn’t mean they do nothing all day!
@romanigypsyeyes. Totally get it. I am the first and only one with a college education (youngest also) with 3 older sisters that don’t have a college education.
They all worked and had/have jobs also. But now I will take this in a slightly different direction…
It’s quite obvious that they don’t have a college education. They are all really good people
But it’s hard just trying to have a meaningful conversations on just about anything like Politics or any opinion or stance on just about anything. I don’t say this as an elitist. I think a college education gives you just that
A higher education of life.
I am NOT saying that everyone needs one or that people without one can’t have those views or are not smart. I just don’t see it on a daily basis. (I am not trying to be controversial).
I have seen highly motivated not college educated people do well in life. Don’t think this is the situation here.