Let’s change college education to any education… Now the flames can be thrown ?
Wow, old school here. She might be 18 but she doesn’t get to check in and out. I’d set down my expectations. If she wants/plans to spend most of the time with him then I’d discuss that and how that does/does not mesh with your family plans. I wouldn’t attack him but I would certainly note that not being a bad boy can still make for a bad life. And just visiting you once in a while would not cut it in our family.
My kids have been drip fed and seen family members who have limited interest in working hard. We don’t suggest it’s fine. It’s not. The kids realize the implications for those families. I hope your daughter has similar experiences and can see what marrying someone like that takes you. I hope she doesn’t end up with him. Young love is blind. The problem is, people who are lazy often end up with someone who is hard working to support them. Not what I’d want for any of my kids.
Rather than speculate - or those down others who may or may not appear to more or less educated due to college or no college…
OP, care to share your opinion as this relates to your situation on this topic?
Otherwise this thread is going D-O-W-N.
Thankfully, I see it ^^^ on a daily basis and literally just got off the phone with my next-door neighbor to ask his advice about a situation. He was 17 when he married his 15yo gf, and they’ve been together for more than 40 years now. He never graduation from HS and is one of the finest people I know.
My BIL and SIL found something to dislike about each of their kids’ prospective spouses. One truly was obnoxious, but even he was well within the bell curve of decent human beings and suitable life partners. And their kids were adults and making their own decision. I don’t understand why people fight this battle, especially when the relationship is unlikely to work out. Some good ol’ cc smile and nod is needed here.
ETA: There are multiple posts between @knowstuff 's post and my response so this may not make sense now, but whatevs.
What do you consider a “real job”? The boyfriend is an actor whose day job is waiting tables. And he has his own (shared) apartment, so it sounds like he’s self-supporting. And apparently he knows how to choose his friends. I’m sure there are plenty of theater parents on this board who would object to their kid being painted as a lazy “loaf about” who, as one poster suggested, might drag a college student OOS and onto the welfare rolls. Actors are some of the hardest working people I know.
So far I haven’t read anything about the boyfriend that sounds worrisome. He has an apartment and a job. Your daughter spends a lot of time with him and they’re having sex, but it doesn’t sound like they’re not using protection. The daughter is in college and it doesn’t sound like attendance or grades are an issue. The only thing that seems to be a problem is that they spend a lot of time together. And they’re sexually active.
The fact that you’d be happy if your daughter didn’t have a serious boyfriend until she graduates from college is a little troubling. What sort of expectations are you setting for her? She’s an adult. If you forbid her to have sex at home she won’t be celibate. She’ll just go to her boyfriend’s. If she settles down with an actor, that’s pretty much what their life will look like (day job + auditions). You may want to try getting used to that.
Not unless your goal is to completely ruin your relationship with your daughter over a romance that may or may not even survive. And if it does survive, content yourself with being the grandparents the kids barely even know.
I’m not saying you have to like the situation, but taking an adversarial position is not going to work in your favor.
If I were in this situation, I’d do what many are suggesting-let your D know that you expect her to be present a certain amount of time because she is a member of your family; but also because you love her and enjoy her company. If you have to invite the BF along for some of that time in order to get her cooperation, so be it.
That does sound elitist to me.
Many of the non-college grads I know are super smart and can easily engage in intellectual conversations.
I have 10 nieces and nephews ranging from 20ish to 30ish. The one making the most money by far (multiple of any of the others), is just a high school grad. This person probably makes more money than most of the posters here.
I hate generalities and broad brush strokes. College isn’t for everyone nor should it be. There are ways to make a good living without going to college. Nor is college an indicator of ambition and intellect.
I agree.
Most of us are here because we see the value of a college education. I wouldn’t like it if a bf was bad mouthing the act of gaining a degree. But let’s not paint all non college educated people with such a broad brush. I daresay there are plenty of people who don’t have a degree but who nevertheless can carry on a lively and informed conversation about many subjects.
OP- back to the subject at hand.
Q for you- what were the expectations on your D when she was growing up? I’d start there. Our kids had clear expectations in terms of grandma’s birthday, religious holidays, family events, household chores, and volunteer work/holding down a job. We tried to be flexible to give the kids more autonomy by the time they were juniors/seniors in HS, but there were some (reasonable, I thought) expectations about how everyone pitched in.
I don’t think those things have to be thrown out the window just because the kid left for college. No, it’s not reasonable that a kid should spend all of Thanksgiving raking leaves or cleaning out the basement. But it’s also not reasonable for a kid to use your house as a free hotel either, with endlessly stocked snack foods and no obligation to be part of the family.
If this were me- I’d ask my kid “what do you think is a reasonable way for us to think about vacation times when you are home? I know grandma wants to see you; I know your little cousins would love to go a movie with you; we’ve got a few family dinners we’d like to plan, and of course, we’ve always spent Thanksgiving morning at the shelter preparing dinner for the residents. I’m sure all of this is going to cut into your time with your friends, so let’s spend some time thinking about how much unscheduled time you want, how many commitments we can make as a family, and whether you want Joe included in any or all of these things”.
Then give her a couple of weeks to chew it over. She may surprise you and come back with something completely reasonable; she may upset you by coming back with something that basically has you filling up the car with gas and the fridge with food and letting her come and go, or it may be something in between. But you are under no obligation to let her use your car, and you are under no obligation to pay for her to come home every weekend from college. So you’ve got some decisions to make as well.
I would keep the subject of the BF off the table as much as you can. Treat his existence like you would any other friend- he’s welcome to stay for pizza if he happens to be in the living room at 6 pm and you’re having pizza. If she wants him included in anything more elaborate- she asks ahead of time. That’s just common courtesy.
And you are not out of line by reminding her about whatever arrangements you made with her before she left for school- a part-time job? Making sure she lines up a summer job by March? If she were trying to balance her classes, studying, and a job, those weekend trips home might get shelved by the time midterms come along…