OP- back to the subject at hand.
Q for you- what were the expectations on your D when she was growing up? I’d start there. Our kids had clear expectations in terms of grandma’s birthday, religious holidays, family events, household chores, and volunteer work/holding down a job. We tried to be flexible to give the kids more autonomy by the time they were juniors/seniors in HS, but there were some (reasonable, I thought) expectations about how everyone pitched in.
I don’t think those things have to be thrown out the window just because the kid left for college. No, it’s not reasonable that a kid should spend all of Thanksgiving raking leaves or cleaning out the basement. But it’s also not reasonable for a kid to use your house as a free hotel either, with endlessly stocked snack foods and no obligation to be part of the family.
If this were me- I’d ask my kid “what do you think is a reasonable way for us to think about vacation times when you are home? I know grandma wants to see you; I know your little cousins would love to go a movie with you; we’ve got a few family dinners we’d like to plan, and of course, we’ve always spent Thanksgiving morning at the shelter preparing dinner for the residents. I’m sure all of this is going to cut into your time with your friends, so let’s spend some time thinking about how much unscheduled time you want, how many commitments we can make as a family, and whether you want Joe included in any or all of these things”.
Then give her a couple of weeks to chew it over. She may surprise you and come back with something completely reasonable; she may upset you by coming back with something that basically has you filling up the car with gas and the fridge with food and letting her come and go, or it may be something in between. But you are under no obligation to let her use your car, and you are under no obligation to pay for her to come home every weekend from college. So you’ve got some decisions to make as well.
I would keep the subject of the BF off the table as much as you can. Treat his existence like you would any other friend- he’s welcome to stay for pizza if he happens to be in the living room at 6 pm and you’re having pizza. If she wants him included in anything more elaborate- she asks ahead of time. That’s just common courtesy.
And you are not out of line by reminding her about whatever arrangements you made with her before she left for school- a part-time job? Making sure she lines up a summer job by March? If she were trying to balance her classes, studying, and a job, those weekend trips home might get shelved by the time midterms come along…