This seems to happen more and more (OK… in reality, in my older age, maybe I’m just not as patient anymore). H and I just saw a fabulous concert tonight - Neil Diamond - I haven’t seen him in concert since I was probably 18 or so. We paid good money for these tickets and had a row of obnoxious people behind us who wouldn’t shut up. They felt the need to comment on any aspect of the show they had an opinion about, which often involved laughing about it. There were about 4-5 of them sitting next to each other directly behind us. Lady sitting next to H turned around a couple of times and gave them the dirty stare. Then I did so, then H really stared down one of the guys. Then lady sitting next to me did her disgusted look toward them. I finally left to go find an usher and complain, but I don’t think they came back and did anything. I was determined not to let it ruin the show for me, but it was just incredibly immature and uncalled for. Who spends that kind of money to go to a concert to talk the whole way through? These people were probably in their 30s and 40s… and obviously had had too much to drink.
Last summer we were at a wedding, where, during the speeches, two couples at our table kept talking and cracking jokes; these were friends of ours, too. Again, I tried to give them the stare down so they’d get the idea, but they continued; I, in turn, missed most of the speeches because of these people. I’ve got to start coming up with something to say to people like this. Of course, the problem is, by the time I reach the boiling point, I’m afraid that what I’ll say will go overboard because I’ve been stewing.
This is the same kind of thing that happens in movie theaters during the show - people around you feeling the need to comment to whoever they’re sitting with.
Part of me is afraid to piss people off because you never know how they’ll react, but I also don’t feel it’s fair to have an experience almost ruined for me. I need to come up with a memorized response that I can use before I reach the boiling point, so it comes across as mature yet firm. In my anger tonight, I could not do that.
I’ve noticed this too, @teriwtt, and it bugs me as well. If someone is this kind of a jerk, you’re probably not going to be able to straighten him/her out, no matter what you say. It’s more difficult if I know the people, as in at weddings or work gatherings. I might do a “shh” gesture and point to the speaker; I’ve also made a point of turning away from the obnoxious folks and pointedly looking only at the speaker and refusing to participate in any whispering. Because I have to interact with these folks after the event, I need to restrain myself!
I do turn around and say “shh” or “quiet, please” at movies or live shows. If they’re intimidating in some way, I might change my seat (not always possible); I might leave at the movies and ask for the manager, not an usher, who might not be as motivated to respond.
I’ve never really had this happen to me to this extent. What i would try would be to turn around, smile nicely and just say in a friendly manner, “hey guys…I really can’t hear very well with you talking. Would you mind?” (More of a pleading than fact look on my face) Sometimes honey is much more effective than vinegar. Most people will respond to that. If they are complete jerks…then definitely go get the manager and do not let up.
I’ve been known to shush people. I think my hearing is starting to go and it’s frustrating if the people nearest me are talking and I’m trying listen to a speaker. My method is to not look directly at the people but just shush in general. It works pretty well. Would not work in a concert setting. That would tick me off too!
I’ve had to ask people to have their kids stop kicking my seat in movies. (R rated late shows btw) Hubby thought I was going to get his @$$ kicked when I turned around. I’d say something or say something to an usher along the lines of I’m not able to hear over your talking. However, if it was a group of them and they were drunk I doubt it would stop them.
I take a similar approach as conmama - I have found that if you approach people in a nice way they will generally comply and may not even realize how much they are disturbing others.
I get more proactive - and blunt - the older I get! I try to use polite words, but not with a smile. More my “serious look”, as my kids would say. Generally it has worked with people talking and texting during shows and plays and such. What bugs me even more is the vulgar language being used everywhere - and the thought that my sweet mother and MIL have to hear it! And the people who yell at young athletes or criticize the kids on the teams so others can hear. I’m usually polite but I did turn around and tell one enormous dad to “Shut up” at a HS soccer game. My poor H almost died.
Same thing happened to me at a Stevie Wonder concert. A group of girls in front of us, talked the entire concert. I was also annoyed at all of the phones that were out during the concert. These new phones are HUGE, “phablets” and the light is too much in a dark arena. I dont understand the need to take a bunch of pics, especially at a Stevie Wonder concert. He is just not moving around the stage that much, although, he did move around a lot more than I expected.
My daughter and I were at a James Taylor concert and the guy behind us decided it was a sing-along. He was very loud and very bad. I turned around and politely asked if he could tone it down and he started loudly saying “what’s wrong with you people, don’t you like to have fun?” etc. etc. My then 20 year old daughter then turned around and got in his face and told him we paid to hear James Taylor, not some obnoxious drunk with no talent. Not my style, but I have to say it worked. His obviously embarrassed companion told him to be quiet. People around us were nodding their agreement with us so that probably helped too.
at PJ shows so many people are singing along that if the lead singer doesn’t stop at least once and turn the mic to the crowd, it feels incomplete.
But at smaller shows it is annoying when people are talking.
Last yr we went to a concert at Ste Michelle winery, even paid extra to have reserved seats.
As luck would have it, four people two rows ahead proceeded to get drunk and disorderly.Not enough to get them kicked out, but plenty distracting and irritating.
Some of this concert was sing-a-long, and some wasn’t. It was pretty obvious which songs he encouraged us to sing along. I had no problem with the sing-a-long (although people around ME might have!). He played a couple of songs from his new CD, which most people are not going to know all the words to, so everyone was really quiet so they could listen, except these people. So, so obnoxious.
@takeitallin - good for your daughter! One could also say that even if they weren’t just singing along. I do think when people call other people out on their drunken behavior, those with them (if they’re not drunk, too) will get really embarrassed and try to keep them in check.
I guess my issue is finding the right point at which to turn around and say something. At the beginning of the concert, you’re kind of hoping they’ll just settle down by the third or fourth song. Then you finally start giving them the evil eye. Then you give it another couple of songs to see if they get the message of the evil eye. And when they don’t, you’re more than halfway through the concert, and now you’re really, really pissed because you realize you’ve just spent the first half of the concert being annoyed by a bunch of immature drunks. And I didn’t want to go out of the arena to find an usher (I did have to leave the seating area to do so - none were standing at the entrance to the seating area) because then I would be missing the concert. And there was no intermission. But next time, when I do go to find an usher, I should say, 'Either you find us better seats or do something about these people." Last night I just trusted they’d send someone to do something, and they obviously didn’t.
FWIW… these people came in at the last minute before the concert started, so we had no idea they were so rowdy. It’s not like they had been sitting there for 15-20 minutes before the music started, acting this way and we had some idea that this was what to be expected. Had they done that, I would have said something much earlier once the music started.
In my experience, giving people the eye doesn’t work at all. The people who do this are generally so obnoxious and clueless that they fail to get the message.
I think that in a setting like the wedding, smilingly saying something like “I’m sorry, I’m sure my hearing is going but I’m having a hard time hearing the speeches” would probably work and not embarrass or anger anyone.
In movie theaters, I’ll just directly say “Please be quiet.” or “SSSSHHHH!!” if it has gone on long enough. In the case of some teenaged girls once I was driven to lean over and loudly say “SHUT UP,” they having failed to respond to prior more polite attempts.
Regarding the kid kicking the seat thing, depending on the size of the kid it can be inadvertent because their legs stick out. I was recently at an HD live opera performance with various family members, including a great-nephew who is 9. When we sat down, I said to him, “Now be careful not to kick the seat in front of you!” He was very well-behaved and quiet, but I saw his foot hit the seat once accidentally when he moved around, so I put my hand on his leg to warn him and he scrunched it up. I didn’t see any other incident, and I was watching for it. My mother was sitting on the other side of him, and he snuggled up with her. Close to the end of the first act, the grown woman behind ME braced her legs against the back of my seat and started pushing it back and forth and kicking it. I assumed that she was in discomfort and ignored it. The intermission starts, and the woman in front of my nephew gets up and says to ME, “He kicked my seat, were you aware of that?!?” in a very aggressive tone. I admit that I was taken aback and didn’t react well, I said something like, “Well, I told him not to when we sat down, but if it makes you feel any better the person behind me kicked me for the last five minutes!” Meanwhile my nephew–better behaved than I–said to her in a little shamed voice “I’m very sorry.” Unprompted, I might add. She says to him, “Don’t worry, I’ll move and you can kick the seat as much as you want.” What a bitch. I don’t blame her for saying something, but…Imagine if instead of rounding on me she had said directly to him, “Sweetheart, you may not realize it but you kicked my seat. Can you try not to?” In any case, the least she could have done was acknowledge his apology.
At something like the wedding, where you know the people, catching the offenders’ eye and making an earnest “shhhh” gesture should be enough.
At the concert and movies, you have to be careful not to become a part of the problem. I’ve been in situations where the shushers were more disruptive than the (admittedly annoying) original offenders. Nothing more distracting than a fuming, fed-up shusher who appears to be on the brink of losing it.
@alh - very true, the issue was, we could hear them over the music - their entire conversation, how they kept coming up with comparisons between Neil Diamond and Paul McCartney, and laughing.
@nottelling - yes, I don’t want to become the ‘shusher’ who is more disruptive than the offenders!
So I guess I need to learn to interrupt sooner so the irritation level doesn’t rise to the point where I’m the more obnoxious one of the exchange. I will say, though, I don’t think I’ve encountered a ‘shusher’ who was louder than the offender - but I have no doubt it happens. I’ve just been fortunate.
Several issues occur to me in situations like teriwtt describes. One never knows these days how folks will react. There have been attacks in concert venues and movie theaters after someone shushed someone else. I think Miss Manners has it right. If you ask politely, and allow the offender to save face, you have the best chance of success. Probably also the best chance of protecting yourself from a violent response. If someone doesn’t respond well to a polite request, I doubt getting rude yourself will help in most cases. Does anyone think arguing on internet message boards may be contributing to rude behaviors out in public IRL?
Re being distracted by loud “shushers”: It may just be me who has this reaction. I’m often able to tune out mildly chatty patrons but I am highly sensitive to conflict and potential conflict, so aggressive “shushing” raises my anxiety level and I become very attuned to the dynamics between the offending and correcting parties, even when the original chatting may not have bothered me all that much. Definitely not a reason to forgo intervention, but something to consider.
Did anyone see the story recently about the mom whose daughter was unruly at the movies? The teenager and her brother were at the movies and apparently the girl talked loudly and kicked the seat of the lady in front of her. After they got home the brother told his mom how his sister acted. The mom went online and posted that she wanted to identify the parent her daughter had bothered. The name surfaced somehow, and the mom made her daughter write an apology and pay out of her allowance for another movie ticket for the mom. Pretty cool.
