<p>I am a long time lurker; first time poster. I can usually figure out how to communicate with my kids, but this time I am stumped and looking for some advice from this wise group.</p>
<p>DD is wrapping up her 1st yr of college. Back in December she started dating a boy who is also a freshman at her school. My husband and I have never met him but she seems to think the world of him. She had a long term BF in high school; she ended that in the spring of her senior year.</p>
<p>We have always been able to talk; we may not always feel the same way about issues but we have always heard each other out and agreed to disagree. Last week, she told me she was headed into “the city” with her BF for a night at a hotel. I told her I did not think this was such a great idea and I listed out my reasons. ( Has only been dating BF a few months, close to final exam time, etc) She told me she understood and told me she probably would re-think the decision to go.</p>
<p>I never brought it up again. Today I received a text from her, telling me she was going into the city for the night with her BF. No sightseeing etc. Basically just going to the city to check into a hotel for the night and come back to campus tomorrow.</p>
<p>I am upset; I wish she wasn’t going but I understand she is over 18 and will do what she wants. I am not naive. I was having sex in college with my Bf ( now husband) but i certainly wasn’t calling my parents and letting them know about it.</p>
<p>I am happy she wants to share her life with me but I think she threw this in my face. She knew my feelings about the trip. So now should I talk to her, or just let it go?</p>
<p>I’m sure this must be very frustrating to you, and you clearly don’t approve.
But, how would you feel if she just said nothing, or lied about where she was. Hopefully she’s not literally throwing it in you face so to speak, but I would respect her honesty. I recently had my first “drinking experience” episode with my son, but he fessed up right away, so I didn’t punish him much (except for cleaning the toilet). We did have some talks about it, and how if he’d been driving it would have been a completely different story, but I really appreciated his honesty and his willingness to share, and I didn’t want to make him less willing to share later, so I swallowed a lot of what I was thinking.
I suggest you come here to vent, and be happy you have a pretty good relationship.</p>
<p>This may be your D’s way of letting you know that you can’t “control” her behavior. Which of course you can’t, and you already know that, but she may not feel that herself. I’d let her do what she’s going to do (you can’t really stop it, anyway) and not bring it up unless and until she does.</p>
<p>And if she does bring it up, I’d just reiterate how you feel about it, but also let her know that she’s an adult now and is responsible for her own actions.</p>
<p>Glad she opens up to you; do indeed keep lines of communications open.
Have the safe sex conversation; the STD one that talks about sleeping with one person is really sleeping with everyone they had been with before and the partners of those people as well, and so on. And then talk about the pregnancy protection part of it, as well.</p>
<p>She knows your opinion, but she is in control of her body.
Keep communications open, help her stay safe!</p>
<p>We do talk quite a bit. Many of those talks have involved how to keep her physically safe. I worry more about her emotional safety. I am a Mom who has been having an ongoing conversation for the past 6 years with my kids about safe sex. But I have made it clear to them that being physically safe does not protect your heart. </p>
<p>DD does not feel the need to tell me where she sleeps every night on campus, so I am not sure why she needed to tell me this. Couldn’t she have just said she was going into the city with friends. ??</p>
<p>Emotions can be fragile but they do rebound.
I work in an ER in a city where the HIV rate is around 3%, mostly young people acquiring heterosexually. Pelvic inflammatory disease can cause sterility. Life sentences!</p>
<p>You have all made some excellent points. Thank you for letting me vent.</p>
<p>Romani: I think part of my problem with all of this is she is not yet an adult but is making some adult decisions. I do not want her to lie to me. I am just upset that she went. Now I guess I need to move on. I am sure she will make other mistakes in her life just as I have but I need to remember she is a great kid.</p>
<p>She is a freshman in college; not yet 20. Yes, legally she is an adult. But in many respects she is still a child; she still has some maturing to do. I view my older children as adults because they are all over 21, live independently, pay their own bills, and are all either employed full time or work part time and attend graduate school. I believe the latest research shows that the human brain does not reach full decision making maturity until age 25. I may be wrong about that but it sounds about right to me. I am not judging either; this is just my opinion of what I have observed with my children ages 28-19.</p>
<p>The daughter and her boyfriend have been together for three months. I’d bet my bottom dollar that they have been having a physical relationship for at least two of those months, that they are just looking for an opportunity to have the privacy that’s so difficult to achieve on campus, and that the daughter announced the overnight as a way to inform her parents of the nature of the relationship. The sex ship has sailed. There’s nothing to discuss.</p>
<p>I’m with Romani-it does seem like you’re upset that she’s…being honest. And I’m sure YOU think of your D as “not yet an adult” but well, she IS. The law says so, and living on her own says so. Treating her as though she’s NOT isn’t going to get you anywhere. </p>
<p>I have two older kids-23 and 28, and yes, they grow up a LOT after 18, and a lot after 21, and even 25. But, no matter what they’re doing-after 18, we don’t get a lot of say in the matter, because they ARE adults. YOUNG adults, but adults.</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re close, and have a large and close family. It may be that this D is going against your religious views or your views on premarital sex, but by telling you, your D is trying to keep the dialog open. And, it’s also a safety thing-now you know who she’s with and where-going away with one boy is a lot different from a night on the town with a large group of friends. I’d be thankful if my kid was keeping me in the loop.</p>
<p>Is it really better to have never loved than to have loved and lost? At 18/19 she is old enough to experience the wonderful highs and potential lows of gained or lost relationships. It sounds like she’s doing just fine and how wonderful she is being honest with you. I think she wants to be able to talk with you about her life. You can either put up a wall, or you can text her back “thanks for letting me know, have a great time!”</p>
<p>I think you are incredibly lucky that your daughter trusts you with this information.</p>
<p>There is a nice safety feature built in. If anything happened you know who she was with and where she was.</p>
<p>When my son first moved to a city where he knew no one I was in contact with him often. He lived alone. No one would notice if something had happened to him. </p>
<p>Our contacts became much more infrequent as he developed more friendships and became involved in activities.</p>
<p>I can certainly understand your concern, especially in view of the fact that you have not met her BF yet. You probably are more concerned about her going into the city and staying at a hotel. She is taking herself outside the comfort zone of the campus where she knows where to go if she encounters any problems. Better that you at least know where she is for the evening.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters in that the relationship has obviously progressed into a physical one, so that ship has indeed sailed. I think your D is simply trying to be open with you about the status of the relationship. While I think it is your responsibility as her mother to be honest with your opinion, I would tread lightly and let her make her own decisions. If the relationship flourishes then all is well, if it doesn’t then perhaps she will have learned something along the way.</p>
<p>Me, I’d want to know who is paying for these trips into “the city” and how 18 or 19 years olds are able to check into these hotels. My D took a road trip when she was this age and I had trouble getting a hotel room for her. </p>
<p>I know everyone is glad that she’s being honest but I’d tell her that I didn’t want my money paying for this and I’d appreciate her being a little less honest.</p>
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