<p>Just trying to get a few words of advice…you all always seem to have the right ones!</p>
<p>Just found out that freshman S and his first serious girlfriend have had a bad breakup. I don’t know details yet, only that he was breaking up with her because of something horrible that she has done (I gather it is that she cheated on him based on the tiny amount that we know). He was extremely upset about this. He does not have a lot of experience with relationships; he’s dated a bit and had only one other “girlfriend”, but that was a short term thing and the ending wasn’t a huge issue.<br>
As I said, don’t know all the details, but based on what he said and how he is reacting - and how great things were (or that was the way it was perceived before this) - I don’t think this was something he was either expecting or wanted.
So, what sage advice do you have on dealing with a broken heart (from parents long-distance?)</p>
<p>We went through that at the very beginning of college. S’s gf of 2 1/2 years broke up with him and it was totally unexpected and out of the blue and accompanied by some very mean comments. Best thing you can do is listen and be available any time he needs to talk - day or night. I kept my cell on and by my bed at all times. Sometimes we would talk, sometimes we would “talk” by IM. I had several nights that I was up at 2-3 in the morning. Be supportive, but don’t trash the ex. The only thing that helped was time. It was 4-5 months before he was back to semi-normal. They actually go through the stages of grieving and that has to be accomplished one step at a time.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and your son. It was a very tough time to go through, although my son came out of it much stronger and wiser.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” As lame as it sounds, this affirms his pain and your support.
“Do you want to talk about it?” and if he says No, respect that.
“I love you. I know this hurts. It will get better, but it hurts now.”</p>
<p>The postmortem can wait until things settle down.</p>
<p>It’s hard to watch, but there’s really no remedy except time. Do stay in touch though, and if he isn’t improving in a month or so you might suggest he talk to one of the college counselors. He’ll probably start feeling better in a couple of weeks though, although it may take longer to really get over it.</p>
<p>Too bad you can’t mail him a quart of Ben & Jerry’s.</p>
<p>Thanks…all good advice. I should get going on those cookies
He’s not much of a talker when it comes to this kind of thing. He has made some good friends, so I’m hopeful that they are able to help him through this too.
Ah, the joys of parenthood…and to think that I used think that it was tough when they were little. Give me a toddler over a teen any day!</p>
<p>So sorry - we went through an absolutely horrible breakup in high school. It was terrible going through it; it must be even harder long distance.</p>
<p>I think just acknowledging that it really hurts can help. Also, make sure that he doesn’t skip class/retreat from life. Is the ex at the same school?</p>
<p>" I know that you cared about her very, very much. I saw you treat her with kindness and joy. That made me so proud of you as a man. So, while you are hurting now, I can see the wonderful mate you will be someday in the future. This was just a dry run, and while you will always think of her as your first love, that is not a bad thing."</p>
<p>Sorry, this is never easy, but as a parent we all know it is necessary for their growth and maturity. Hang in there.</p>
<p>When my D had her first major breakup, I waited a few days and then told her the story of my first breakup. It seemed to help her a teeny bit; not sure why. This might be a girl thing, though; I don’t know.</p>
<p>Mainly what’s been said above: 1. Don’t try to talk him out of feeling bad (it’s amazing how many well-meaning people do this, and it’s soooo invalidating). 2. Keep in touch, but not intrusively so; maybe a text in the morning to say Hi, I was thinking about you. Might be a good time for a care package too. 3. Obviously let him know you’re available to talk; even if he doesn’t take you up on it now, he might down the road. 4. Not only should you not trash the ex, you shouldn’t probe about what happened, either now or in the future. He’ll share what he wants you to know without your asking, if/when he’s ready. 5. If you seem him heading for a rebound relationship, gently warn him, once. </p>
<p>Hugs to you! This so hard, seeing our kids suffer. Time does heal though; you keep that in mind, even though he can’t see it right now.</p>
<p>Thank you to all. He called last night and talked for a long time with H (they have a very close relationship and I think he’s more comfortable talking with him about this.) Wish I could say that he seemed better, but that’s not the case. :(<br>
All the advice is so helpful, though, and very much appreciated.</p>
<p>^^^ Having talked to your H, he probably does feel better. He might not “seem” like it, but he probably is. These things take time. They’re learning experiences. And, though you’re not going to tell him this, he’ll come out of this better and stronger.</p>
<p>Agree with all the sound advice so far. Our son went through a terrible break up earlier this year (his freshman year), and it was grueling watching the torture unfold over 4 months! But the good news is, although we know he still thinks of her fondly, he has moved on and is happier than ever at school. Be thankful that these kinds of issues come up for him while he is young so he has experience with relationships, setting limits, self-exploration, etc. It will make him better-equipped and stronger/more mature for every future relationship.</p>
<p>As far as what to ‘do’? Cookies are a must. And I used to search quotations and would send him an occasional ‘Quote of the Day’ which were just generic inspirational stuff…he seemed to appreciate them. Good luck…I know it’s tough but you will ALL get though it. He’s a lucky kid to have the great support at home.</p>
<p>OP, your H is a good dad, and the fact that your S talked to him is really, really good. He won’t be better for a while, but the process of healing started with that conversation. He’s going to be OK; in the meantime, do your mom thing and get those cookies into the oven!</p>
<p>This just happened a couple of weeks ago to my D, 1200 miles away, hysterical on the phone, and according to her, totally unexpected. We talked a LONG time, and we agreed that he was not the person she thought he was. The hardest part was that she had been spending a lot of time with him and needed to find other things to do. She has been finding them slowly. It’s trite, but there are a lot of frogs out there.</p>
<p>My D just broke up with her long time boyfriend of 3 years. It was very difficult for her as she still cares very much about him. He is a very nice young man. She had an obligation to be fair and honest with him but not to continue dating. He was upset but they talked and appear to be moving along on decent terms.
My D and I have had this discussion many times when you are dating that person should treat you decently but they are not obligated to be the sole source of your happiness nor you theirs.</p>
So true, and a hard lesson for many kids to learn.</p>
<p>I would add that Facebook adds a whole other dimension to breakups that didn’t exist even 10 years ago, let alone back in our day. Hurt, angry people sometimes post angry post-breakup rants, or pathetic heartbroken song lyrics on their FB walls. Their friends want to be supportive, so they “like” the angry post or chime in with sympathetic comments on the sad lyrics. The ex sees this, and now feels like everyone is ganging up to hate them. It can make it a lot trickier to stay friendly and amicable, and can cause a lot of hurt between more than just the 2 people who broke up, because suddenly a lot of people seem to be taking sides (even if they only intended to give support to the sad/angry poster, and didn’t mean to be diss-ing the other party in the breakup). Of course, the solution is not to write angry rants or sad, pathetic song lyrics as your FB status to begin with… just another layer of complication to this new era of putting everything out there in public via the internet.</p>
<p>Thanks to all who replied to me, both here and PMs. It has been a trying weekend and all of your input was so helpful. As parents, we all would gladly take the pain instead of having it go to our children - but that’s not the way life works. Based on some of what we heard in his phone call last night, we decided that Dad would head up to school today. He said that he’s still not in good shape, but today is a little bit better than yesterday (which we assured him would continue.) Life lessons are not easy, but I guess that’s how we learn them.</p>
