I had a particular situation that made me wonder if I should have stepped up to help out, but I personally felt it was a bit much what an average friend expected me to do him.
Here is the background…he was a good colleague when I worked overseas. We had seen each other whenever we were in the same city. I knew of his family, wife and kids. Recently he texted me to let me know that his high school daughter (under 18) was going to be nyc this summer for 2 weeks for an internship. He asked if she could stay with me for 2 weeks.
My initial reaction was to say no, but then thought I should be more helpful, so I said it may be possible. But then I realized I would only be returning from an European trip and it would be 2 weeks before D2’s wedding. I then started thinking about being responsible of a teenager in NYC. What if I was really busy with work and D2’s wedding that I lost track of friends daughter. I mentioned to the friend of my agenda, but my friend kept on saying that his daughter wouldn’t be any trouble at all. I finally came straight out to say it was not a good time to host his daughter. I think if I’ve asked the same for my daughter, he probably wouldn’t have hesitated or he wouldn’t have asked. I feel bad, but …
Have your encountered such situation and were you able to recover from it (still be friends)?
If you didn’t have so much else on your plate at or about the same time, you might have said yes more easily. Between returning from vacation, returning to work, and hosting a wedding…I think you made the right decision this time.
And I think your friend will understand.
Agree with the above…sounds like you made the right choice given all you have going on during that time. All you can do is let your friend know that you are sorry the timing of her visit didn’t work for you to host. A good friend will understand.
I let my friend know my situations and was hoping he would back off. When he didn’t, I then had to say no to him.
Unfortunately, TMI is the problem. It would have been better to simply say upfront, “Any other time I would be glad to host your daughter, but due to previous obligations, those two weeks don’t work for me. I hope your daughter has a lovely time while she’s here, and I hope we can see each other again sometime.”
No one owes anyone any detail surrounding any “no” decision. If the answer is “no,” it’s not up for debate or workaround suggestions from the imposer.
I am going to consult you in the future. I often feel guilty of saying no.
You are very busy and agree not a good time to host her for 2 weeks. Do you feel comfortable offering to take her to dinner 1 or 2 times or guiding her around the city for some fun one day? I think it would be nice if you had the time to see her and show your friend you do care - just can’t care for 2 full weeks 
I get it, @oldfort, I do. I’ve just become a curmudgeon as I age. “No” is always my first answer. I know it’s not easy for some people. And I hope you and your friend remain so.
I think you did the right thing.
That said do you have any alternatives to suggest to him for her of where she could stay? Can you offer to meet her once or twice for a meal to check in with her ? Just a couple thoughts. You’d still be doing a “good friend” thing but within reason for your schedule.
They do not feel comfortable for her to stay in nyc by herself, so one of them would need to come with her. It would be a lot more expenses for them. She wouldn’t be able to stay at college dorms because they only allow college age students.
I wonder if this is partly a cultural expectation. It was really common that my European parents hosted other people’s kids for weeks on end in the summer. Sometimes with the intention of it being reciprocated but usually not. It was just something that was “done”.
That said, you have a very, very valid reason for saying ‘no’ and I hope your friend won’t hold it against you!
I think it may be a cultural thing. They are from Asia.
I am wondering if others have felt their friends have asked them for favors that they couldn’t or wouldn’t do. The flip side is if you have asked friends for a small/simple favor and then getting turned down. When is it too much or too big.
We have never hosted anyone or had anyone host us or our kids for any period of time. I agree that it was sensible to decline as it doesn’t work with all the other things you have on your plate. Perhaps at a later or different date it could work.
I’ve definitely had friends make asks that I’ve felt were way over the top/inappropriate. I’m like @ChoatieMom and I’ve gotten much better at saying ‘no’ and not feeling badly about it if it doesn’t work for me.
how old is the girl? the girl scouts often us a hostel, HI international, in NYC. perhaps she could stay there, or perhaps it would be affordable for a family room. Some people do start college at 16, so depending upon her maturity, it may be an option.
We “hosted” a 15-year-old boy who was the son of my sister’s friends. We’d never met the boy or his parents. He was hiking part of the Appalachian Trail with his older brother, a thru hiker. The younger boy injured his ankle badly and couldn’t continue. His parents asked if I would travel to western Maine, pick him up, and keep him for about a week until his brother reached the end of the AT and his family flew up to meet him.
I was a little apprehensive but decided to say OK. The young man turned out to be very personable and we enjoyed having him. His parents took us out to dinner when they got to Maine.
Looking back on it, I’m honestly surprised we did that!
Is your place big enough to let the kid and a parent come and stay, but be on their own?
It would drive me crazy to see someone in my apartment when I am working from home. I have a good size 2 bedroom apartment, but it’s fairly open. To have to engage in idle chit chat during work days for 2 weeks wouldnt be possible.
I have a house with three extra bedrooms and a lot of space, but my threshold for overnight guests is about 4 days…you know…a long weekend. I had one friend here for about 6 days but we had plans just about everyday…and that was fun!
Two weeks seems too long.
I hosted my best friend’s daughter for 10 weeks during one summer because she had an internship near us. Our house is big enough. She had a car and is very independent. I had another friend stay for a month during the summer before my daughter’s wedding because of work being done to her home. I do enjoy visitors and had live in nannies for years who were like older daughters to me. That being said, I think hosting friend’s child from abroad is a much bigger deal.
It is difficult when people ask you to host a young adult if you don’t know the child well. You’re not their parent yet you feel responsible for that child. What if they don’t follow the house rules? What if they’re injured or seriously ill on your watch? That’s a lot of pressure.
It’s a shame he didn’t take the hint when you told him about your travel and more significantly your daughter’s wedding. Not to sound sexist but I wonder if you had spoken with his wife if the conversation might have gone differently. Regardless he clearly seemed focused on pursuing his goal of having his daughter in NYC. Hopefully you’ll retain the friendship but you were right to decline the request.