What would you do? I need some clarity.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m a regular here, but have changed my user name in order to create a deeper sense of anonymity for this issue.</p>

<p>I have always had a distaste for tattoos on both men and women. Always. This new fad has really got me cringing.</p>

<p>3 years ago my (then 18 yo D) had a “temper tantrum” (her words, not mine) and got one, it cost $75. She was “mad at the world” (seems an odd way to handle anger, no?). I was mad, but did not throw a fit. I did tell her that (I’ll quote from an e-mail I wrote) “I will NOT financially support you if you get another or others…UNLESS and UNTIL you are 100% self-sufficient financially you had better think long and hard about whether another tattoo (or tattoos) is in your future…I paid for that tattoo. And it ticks me off that MY money went to buy something I find so distasteful and disturbing. I paid for it because every time I put money into your bank account for rent, or pay your tuition, that money comes out of my pocket. Not yours. Every dime you spend while you are in school and being supported by me, is my money. Even if you feel you “earned” it, it was still my money, because no line can be drawn when mixing funds.”</p>

<p>I thought I was pretty clear. She wrote me back “Fine.” (I did it via e-mail so we could never have a she said, she said game) </p>

<p>I have just learned that this weekend she spent close to $1000 (that’s right, close to a thousand dollars!) on a tattoo. </p>

<p>Meanwhile I have just funded a move for her to a new apartment (less than 2 weeks ago), have paid several hundreds of dollars for expenses for school for her (separate from tuition), and due to the program she’s undertaken, she has at least 2 more years in college.</p>

<p>I am furious. I am not having a fit (although I have thought about having one), and I am trying to remain calm as I sort through what I need VS want to do.</p>

<p>I was crystal clear with her that I would stop the financial support if she opted for more tattoos while in school (what she does when she’s self-sufficient is her business, not mine), and I want to follow through on that ‘promise’. </p>

<p>I’m not asking if she has the right at 21 to get tattoos, I know she is an adult. </p>

<p>Remember (please) this wasn’t $50 or $100 but nearly $1000!</p>

<p>Your thoughts. I’ll try not to justify my feelings or actions, and just listen. </p>

<p>I am furious. (did I already say that?) I am.</p>

2

<p>My quick answer: Don’t make a threat or a promise you aren’t prepared to carry out. She’s called your bluff.</p>

<p>Why did you even pay for the $75 one?</p>

3

<p>Well, you said,

</p>

<p>So, I guess you have to follow-through on your threat and yank the support. You warned her.</p>

4

<p>Your hands are tied. You’ve got to follow through. I’m sorry you have been put in this position.</p>

5

<p>If cutting her off completely seems extreme—even though you said that’s what you’d do—what about insisting that she pay you $1,000 over the next four months? If she doesn’t have a job, make her get one until she reimburses you. Something like that maybe?</p>

<p>I agree that you’re in a position where you can’t back down, but maybe you can find a creative way to get the message across and cause her significant discomfort over the issue without totally losing your head or jeopardizing your relationship.</p>

<p>This is a tough one. $1000!!?? Good luck.</p>

6

<p>I too am sorry that you have been put in this position.</p>

<p>I told my girls years ago that there were several things that were “dealbreakers” , and I would not pay for college or their weddings.</p>

<p>I would be very angry if my child spent $1000 right after I paid for an apt, expenses and school costs. Whether they spent it on an extravagent item like a purse, item of clothing, a trip or a tattoo. </p>

<p>You are stuck in a difficult place. Your daughter was warned about the consequences, but as a parent we worry about what will happen to our kids if they don’t have our support.</p>

<p>I think that the two of you need to have a conversation about the consequences of her actions. Also, you might want to bring another party along. I don’t know if I would pull all of my support, but I would cut back on the extras. </p>

<p>Good luck</p>

7

<p>Nothing to add here but hugs. One of my children has become difficult of late. Last night I was at my tipping point and was making up various threats in my mind. But it’s the idea of following through that kept me from verbalizing any of my threats…because I pretty much knew that if it came to it, I would crater. Ah, to be parenting a “difficult” two year old again!</p>

8

<p>Yes, hugs to OP.</p>

9

<p>Just to add something constructive, if I were you I’d cut her off, but give her fair warning. For example, if tuition for next semester is due sooner than she could reasonably get a loan, I’d pay for the next semester and tell her it is the last semester. As to the apartment, is she legally obligated on the lease or are you? You don’t want her to leave roommates high and dry on rent, or have a landlord suing you, but I’d establish a reasonable cut off date on your payment of the rent. </p>

<p>Most of us really couldn’t follow through on “you’re cut off as of this second”, but iIthink many of us could say, “You’re cut off as of December 31st”, or whatever gives our child time to make other plans.</p>

10

<p>

Agree! She has 2 more years? Tell her now that she’d better get going on loan applications; you’re done paying. And, if she has $1,000.00 to spend on a tattoo, it sounds to me as if she has the money to start paying more of the expenses right now. She may have to take some time off before finishing her schooling so she can get a job and save some money. I’m sure she won’t be happy about that, but so be it.</p>

11

<p>I don’t know how serious you were about ‘cutting her off financially’ completely when you made the other statements or your willingness to carry it out since I imagine it was stated at a time of emotional distress for you. Simply threatening and not following through of course, is ineffective and our kids tend to learn that point when they’re around 1 or so and will tend to take advantage of it. I assume though that you’re also trying to balance your anger at her defiance of your wishes along with the consequence of her being cutoff entirely as a result with your desire to have her succeed in life with her education being a part of it.</p>

<p>One possible compromise, if you’re interested, would be to ensure that the funds for the tats don’t come out of your funding of her education. You can do this by explicitly (making her well aware of it) reducing her financial support by the amount the tats cost - $1075 (that you know of :wink: ). That way you semi carried out your threat of not financially supporting the tat expense but still have her covered for her education. It’s good to step back and look at the bigger picture of the consequences one way or the other of her placing the tats on her body versus possibly not completing her education and allowing this to completely drive a wedge in the relationship. Maybe the compromise is a reasonable choice.</p>

12

<p>Cut her off…everyone else works or lends their way through school, if she didn’t listen to you then she’ll have to do the same.</p>

13

<p>Of course you’re furious.</p>

<p>I too am hesitant to threaten my kids unless I’ve thought long and hard about whether or not I could bring myself to follow through. If you still think cutting her off is the best thing to do, then I agree that she needs some time to figure out what she’ll do when she’s lost her funding.</p>

<p>However. If you’re looking for permission to re-think your punishment for getting the second tattoo, I think any of us would have a hard time possibly killing our kid’s college education. (Let’s keep the money out of it for now. Wouldn’t another $75 tattoo have violated the terms of continuing to receive your financial support?) Do you really think she’ll finish college on her own? Is it something you’re willing to flush down the toilet over an immature, rebellious act?</p>

<p>And as to the $1,000, of course she needs to repay this. When she can.</p>

14

<p>There are a whole bunch of issues here, and it may make sense to think about them separately:</p>

<p>– Spending $1,000 on something discretionary while getting supported by parents (parent?), without discussing it first
– Doing anything, with or without expense, known to be morally objectionable to a parent
– Spending anything on something known to be morally objectionable to a parent who is supporting you
– Defying a clear parental prohibition
– Doing something that dares a parent to follow through on a threat
– [Not being upfront and discussing plans of known concern to a parent who is supporting you?]
– Why is she doing this?
– What is going to happen if you follow through on the threat?
– Is anyone else (e.g., another parent) involved?</p>

<p>While on any “legal” basis you are clearly justified in withdrawing support, it is pretty much the equivalent of going to war with your daughter, and I wouldn’t rush to do that just because you said you would three years ago. On the other hand, her behavior is totally unacceptable, and I completely sympathize with your anger.</p>

15

<p>How infuriating! $1000 is outrageous! I mean, it would be one thing if she got a $200 tattoo–that alone would seem like a challenge–but $1000!!! </p>

<p>I do think it would be tough to completely cut her off–and if you did that at this stage of the game then you might be severing that relationship for some time to come. I do like the idea of making her pay it back, on a specific payment plan, with the understanding that if she doesn’t, then she’s on her own. </p>

<p>Has your relationship with her been kind of contentious? Do you think she’s specifically trying to provoke a reaction? How did you find out about the tattoo? If there’s been a history of conflict and you think she’s setting up a battle, then it’s better not to engage. If she’s generally not been rebellious and challenging, then maybe she just really needs another reminder that she’s not independent yet.</p>

16

<p>Where did that tatoo money come from? That’s a lot of discretionary funds for a kid to have given to her. Can you stop paying rent on her apartment? You don’t expect her to move out of the apartment do you? If I were put in that situation… if I could still think straight… I would probably continue to pay tuition and make sure rent gets paid, but nothing else. </p>

<p>Reminds me of my neighbor, very nice guy but recently has gotten into tough financial problems. We hear about his battles with bank to renegotiate his mortgage, late payments and all, falling behind on lots of other bills… and then we see that he too gets himself a new big (and now I learn very likely expensive) tatoo.</p>

17

<p>Keep paying for tuition…you should be able to do that through the school without giving her any money. Make her pay her own rent though.</p>

18

<p>I’d say you put yourself in a tough position. I won’t comment if I agree with your ultimatum or not. But- you gave the ultimatum. Are you a person of integrity? Is your word your bond? Do you wish to teach your offspring integrity? To many, those are antiquated ideas and have no real meaning today. Only you can answer what they mean to you. If integrity was easy we’d all have it. Any money/advice/time you donate to her after she is 18 is a gift. You have a right to choose not to contribute to her tattoos. And yes, paying her other bills frees up her money for tatts, so it is really all the same.
You drew the line, abide by it. Tell D that was a costly tattoo. It not only cost her the $1000 to ink, but future gifts of support too. If you are a co-signer on her apt or other bills, you will have to see they are paid until you can get your obligation removed. For any other debts, well, wish her “good luck”.</p>

<p>About 3 yrs have passed since you made the ruling and the 2nd tattoo. If you felt you were overzealous then, you’ve had 3 yrs to soften the ruling. You chose not to. Abide by it. You are not jeopardizing her future. You are not jeopardizing her college. She is. Be clear. She is.</p>

<p>One of the lessons (i believe) a good parent must teach is how to be a good, productive, self-supporting member of society. If you keep giving the gift of supporting her while she collects tattoos you are not teaching her that lesson. Reimbursing you does not teach that lesson. Cutting her off 6 months from now does not teach the lesson.</p>

<p>One option though, that you might consider in secret: Although you stop her funding, you could put back some money SECRETLY here and there, and maybe when she graduates, or in the future reaches a genuine milestone, you might give her that fund as a gift. Of course, if she has any inkling you are saving for her that ruins it.</p>

19

<p>Ouch! No judgments, no suggestions. </p>

<p>I saw this go down in the late 1960s and early 1970s with hair and “living with” issues. Good luck to you and your family whatever happens.</p>

20

<p>Unfortunately, this won’t help you, OP, but I can’t envision my kids being able to pull that off with my money because I’ve always paid tuition, room and board directly to the university and off-campus rent directly to the landlord. My DSs have worked for their spending money since the summer before each entered high school. I have not given either one a dime since-- not for spring break trips, not for frat dues, nada. If others are concerned about their kids abusing their financial support, perhaps they might consider a similar setup to this.</p>