<p>I would cut her off if I actually made that threat. If you are the co-signer of the apartment (I hope you are in this instance), you could continue to pay for it and still save face. But tell her that you would not pay for her tuition going forward. Let her figure out how she is going to support herself and pay for the tuition. She probably would be able to take out loans and you(or the other parent) would need to co-sign. Two years is a long time, if things change it would always be your prerogative to pay off her loans. </p>
<p>I have always lived up to my words with my children. I don’t threaten too often, but when I do I mean business.</p>
<p>You know, it’s really difficult to give advice without knowing more about your relationship. Personally, a tattoo wouldn’t have been my line in the sand, although $1,000 when she knew I didn’t approve would be difficult to overlook. I loathe tattoos, but, again, it’s just not that big a deal that I would threaten to cut off all support. </p>
<p>The other complicating factor, for me, is age. Yes, you’re still paying her way (it sounds like), but by the time I was 21, my relationship with my parents wasn’t so much one of authority figures. I did things all the time my parents weren’t thrilled about but they knew I would survive whatever it was and that the die was cast, plus I was working 32 hours a week and really quite independent, much to their chagrin.</p>
<p>I think someone here had a good out, a way for you to save face. I’d tell her that I’d continue to pay tuition, but I am not funding her extravagant lifestyle – and I hope she realizes that a $1K tattoo, like a $1K Coach bag, is extravagant. Is there a differential between living on campus and living in the apartment? Where did she get the $1K? I’d cut off her rent to the tune of that $1K, and then only pick up support to the level of what her double dorm would be.</p>
<p>x-posted wth oldfort: My reason for preferring to pay for tuition is that that’s what you value. Fun apt with friends is a plus. That’s why I’d start there, though I do see the beauty of having her take out loans for her education because no one is going to give her a loan for the apt.</p>
<p>More info: D works p/t, and I am not on her lease as cosigner, she is, along with a roommate. </p>
<p>I think the conversation with her will be that I will no longer supplement her rent, school supplies (expensive due to her specialized field), or provide her money for traveling home at winter break. I will pay the school directly (which I have been doing), and she will simply have to figure out the rest. At 21 I was in my own place, working f/t and living my life without parental support. </p>
<p>Clearly my “supplementing” has provided her with enough to pay for this damned tattoo. I do not give her “spending” money, that has been what her p/t job has been for, and to pay 1/2 her rent. </p>
<p>I do not know what provoked this in her right now. I have felt for some time that she has been “pushing” me to see what my limits are. It is unfortunate for her that she will now know this is my limit.</p>
<p>It will not be an easy discussion, alas, one that needs to occur. Crap. I expected this stuff when she was 14, not 21.</p>
<p>Your reaction at the first was totally unwarranted IMO. Assuming i have understood this right, you told your adult daughter she cant have a tattoo or you’ll cut her off? Sounds petty to me.</p>
<p>Don’t really have an opinion in regards to what you should do now. If it were me id want to know why she did it before doing anything else… only because a friend of mine used tattoos as a substitute for self harm and was eventually sectioned. Better to understand the reasoning first whatever you do.</p>
<p>Ok, with this new information, I have a slightly different tack.</p>
<p>1) Sounds good to not pay for half her rent. Unless it’s a helluva part-time job, she had been saving for a while. If she can blow it on a tattoo she can surely spend it on the rent.</p>
<p>2) Could she be lying about her rent so that you are subsidizing her lifestyle? Just a thought …</p>
<p>3) Wait! Are you sure you don’t want her home for winter break??? Because if you say you aren’t paying for her to come home then she may just opt to not come home rather than pay for it herself. Is that a consequence you can live with???</p>
<p>I think that by 21, a kid who is smart enough to be in college is smart enough to understand that you don’t spend $1000 on luxury items while someone else is subsidizing any part of your lifestlye.</p>
<p>In all honesty, you should be ashamed of yourself.</p>
<p>It is an evil evil thing to try to control family members through financial threats. I don’t care what your logic behind it is.</p>
<p>What if your mom tried to control your life choices- to not marry someone you want to, to buy your house where you don’t want to, what kind of job you need to get- and used her Will to try to enforce her oppositions?</p>
<p>There’s about 100% that you’d eventually go out of your way to make sure you did something because controlling family members financially is evil. When you threatened your daughter like that it was a certainty that she was going to get another tattoo and you either knew that or should have known had you had even a hint of empathy. </p>
<p>Using academic or financial threats to try to control a family member’s life is such a sad thing to resort to.</p>
<p>I married whom I wanted at age 21 when I was financially independent. My father refused to co-sign my car loan unless I lived at home after I was married. I moved into NYC because I didn’t need a car then. Unfortunately when you are taking money from anyone then you must answer to that person.</p>
<p>I would send her the original email by replying on the one where she said fine. I’d then wait for her answer before talking to her. In the reply, I’d just jot down, “Remember this?” I think that will save you some explaining when you tell her what you are going to do.</p>
<p>Avoiding altogether the issue of parental “control,” I keep thinking that merit scholarships come with “strings.” If the student does not uphold their end, the scholarship money goes away. </p>
<p>Homeowner’s association rules, non-refundable airplane tickets, loan and credit card terms–life is full of imposed limitations on “doing you’re own thing.” At some point, everyone has to face that fact. Might be OP’s daughter’s “time.”</p>
<p>Will S you are off base here. If someone wants to be allowed to make all their own choices as an adult they need to be an adult financially. In this case I don’t even think it’s about that tattoo as much as the discretionary $1,000. I would be as upset if say I was supplementing my college student’s income and he bought a $1,000. leather jacket. In the meantime, I am wearing a 10 year old coat so that I can afford to help out my college student. It just doesn’t work that way between responsible adults.
The mother has been supplementing this person’s expenses and she spends $1,000. on a tattoo?<br>
I would do as everyone else has suggested. Cut off supplemental support. Clearly she has the ability to save money for the that should be going for things like food, rent, etc.
Time for this young adult to grow up a bit.</p>
<p>Conversation has been had, I did (before reading the suggestion here) send her back her “fine” e-mail and reminded her of same. I made it clear that I would no longer pay half of her rent or school supplies and that if she had $1000 stashed to pay for something that, in my opinion, is stupid, then she clearly has enough money to pay for those items. I did not mention winter break, but I assume she’ll be needing to stay where she is and work her butt of during all school breaks rather than take 10 days off to play with her friends.</p>
<p>I feel a sense of relief, I’m sure she feels a sense of dread. It just doesn’t pay to play dumb.</p>
<p>As for the “other parent”, there isn’t one. I have raised her alone since day one.</p>
<p>Sounds like you came up with a solution that helps you keep your word. Wow. $1000 to spend on a tatoo? Yeah, she’s got spare change. No need for you to fund her rent or school supplies. My dad cut me off when I was just one semester short of earning my BA. (I did nothing wrong. Long story which is irrelevent) Anyway, you better believe I got a job super quick to earn the tuition/books/rent/utilities money I needed to finish the degree. If it’s important to her, she’ll find a way to pay for the rent and supplies. The ball is now on her side of the court - where it belongs. You’ve been very nice to help her out this long.</p>
<p>This is a problem that all of us parents who send money to our kids face. Every single one of us who gives our children money is paying for their vices and contraband. Yep, if your kid uses illegal drugs, it’s bought by your money. That’s the way it works when you are contributing money to others.</p>
<p>My first feeling about all of this is that if your daughter has $1000 free to pay for a tattoo, you are giving her way too much money. There is no way in the world my kids had that kind of extra money lying around. Nor do they, right now. Because we are on such a tight budget paying for college and our family life makes any kind of non necessity a luxury. </p>
<p>I would cut $1000 out of any future payments to her since she does not seem to need that kind of money. However, I think you were overboard in the consequences from that original tattoo. Kids do cut off their noses to spite their faces, and as parents, we don’t want to be party to that mutilation. In some ways, punishing kids is like punishing a dog who poops on the carpet. You gotta catch him right in the act, and make the punishment fit the crime so that it is understandable. A general, it is the end of our relationship, support, etc type of threat is never a good one to make unless the situation is truly extreme which a tattoo is not. Send her your e-mail, and see what her response is. If she thumbs her nose at you, you know that you have an immature knucklehead that you have to somehow protect while at the same time protecting yourself.</p>
<p>I find tattoos disgusting. $1000 for a tattoo is beyond the pale. </p>
<p>You gave her fair warning. She chose to not only get a tattoo, but get an incredibly expensive one. I agree with the person who suggested that you cut her off as of the end of this year. Firm, but fair and somewhat merciful. Gives her time to apply for scholarships. </p>
<p>I may change my mind after reading someone’s convincing post, but for now this is my take on it.</p>
<p>I think the mom’s threat was overboard. I think the D is immature, thoughtless, rude, inconsiderate. Those things need to be addressed, as well as the $1000. With some kids, it is not wise to throw out a whole set of options and a relationship over shallow stupidity. The consequences should be more defined and directed to the deed.</p>
<p>Now if the mom truly feels that she wants to fulfill the consequence, by all means she should. But sometimes a parent can punish her/himself more than anyone else when going overboard. That has not turned out well in the situations I have seen. Life is really too short, relationships too dear, things too difficult to go bonkers over something like this unless it is truly important to you. </p>
<p>You see, a consequence such as no longer paying for college because a student is flunking out is something that directly addresses the “crime”. A punishment to a loved one should not be punishment for punishment sake, but really protection for the parent and a learning experience for the student.</p>
<p>She will still have tuition paid for. But I will not supplement her “extra” stuff (tattoos for one). She works a good p/t job that pays well for a college kid (apparently!). I am not throwing away our relationship, nor stopping tuition. Lucky for her, this latest move meant lowering her rent each month. I have not yelled about this, I have been matter of fact and calm, which I think has un-nerved her.</p>
<p>I think it was a good final decision on the mom’s part. You go, conflictedmom! I think you stuck to your guns and I think you’re still being fair, and I think you’re completely warranted in how you’ve handled this.</p>