<p>Good for you, conflicted mom. Calm, rational, and implacable. You made yourself clear up front. She chose her own path.</p>
<p>It’s not about the tattoo. It’s about spending $1,000 on something frivolous when someone else is paying your bills for you. It should not have been necessary for the OP to lay down an ultimatum; common sense should tell a person that if you need someone else’s help to pay your bills, you have no business buying a $1,000 tattoo, television, leather jacket, iPod, or anything else that isn’t a necessity.</p>
<p>Nice job, conflictedmom, for sticking to your guns, and for raising a daughter single-handedly. I’m sure that isn’t appreciated by anyone here who hasn’t experienced it.</p>
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<p>Senior year in high school, my sister’s boyfreinds’ dad said he wouldn’t pay for his senior pictures if he didn’t get a haircut. That was 1972. The boyfriend lived without senior pictures, moved to Austin and hasn’t gotten more than a trim since. One of those Austin hippie guys who is pushing 60 but still has the long hair.</p>
<p>My husband’s cousin had her support pulled when her parents found out she was living with a guy. It took her 10 years before she finished college and many years of estrangement from the parents that still has not been resolved. Parents sticking to their guns, rightfully, ever so rightfully, and a young woman stupidly sticking to hers even as it is shooting her in the foot. </p>
<p>I don’t know who ended up getting more hurt, the parents or the daughter, but the rift is still deep.</p>
<p>I’m probably in the minority, but I think this is the kind of thing that can escalate when a parent tries to control something so personal and essential to a child as their physical appearance/expression. It’s obviously something super important to the OP, and I get that her initial feelings about the tattoo aren’t the focus of the thread. However…I can see how a teenager would feel controlled (even though the parent is funding the college experience to a degree) and cling all the tighter to that expression… By fighting it, it becomes a huge issue that a teen is willing to fork over $1000 to ‘prove’ that she owns her own body/self-expression.</p>
<p>They say the quickest way to get a kid to keep the green hair/mohawk/droopy jeans/whatever is to flatly forbid them from wearing them. What might be a passing phase suddenly becomes an essential point of identity worth fighting for. </p>
<p>I’d agree w/cptofthehouse: </p>
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<p>Good luck to you, conflictedmom, on whichever way you decide to go!</p>
<p>I guess for me the issue is spending $1000.00 on something so unnecessary when someone else is helping you to pay your bills. The girl is 21. Isn’t 21 an age where you ought to understand the difference between controlling your own appearance versus taking financial advantage of someone? And if she doesn’t know that yet, isn’t it time to learn this lesson?</p>
<p>I could agree with some of you if the girl were financially independent and the mom was trying to keep her from getting a tatoo, but that isn’t the situation here. Part of parenting is teaching; what lesson does the girl learn when she spends $1000 frivolously, and her mom does nothing because she’s afraid to upset her daughter?</p>
<p>Conflictedmom, you must be very hurt by your daughter’s actions. Not even necessarily getting the tattoo, but in spending money on something so frivolous when she is taking your financial support to get her through college. It was thoughtless and inconsiderate on her part.</p>
<p>25 years ago, I borrowed several hundred dollars from my older sister near the tail end of college in order to buy a car, and was to repay her when I could. </p>
<p>A couple of months later, when I was employed, I bought myself a new blouse (a frivolous purchase) instead of giving that money to her to pay down my debt. She saw me in my pretty new blouse and asked me about it. I felt terrible about being so inconsiderate to her; she had given me the loan in a heartbeat, no questions asked. Didn’t spend another discretionary dollar until I had paid her back in full.</p>
<p>A couple of points that have already been made but could be repeated together.
There are two set of issues that are linked together, and each set also contains two issues;
1: the deed: the tattoo, of which the mom deeply disapproves; and the expense, which the mom feels she should not be paying for.</p>
<ol>
<li>The mom’s reaction, then and now. I would agree with the majority of posters that the original reaction was perhaps excessively punitive if truly carried out. When the D acquired a new tattoo, it created a dilemma for the mom: to carry out the original threat, to do nothing, or to arrive at a suitable measure. I believe that the mom has arrived at that suitable compromise.</li>
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<p>This still leaves unanswered the question of what the mom most objected to: the tattoo (disgusting! awful!) or the expense (excessive! irresponsible!). I think this is a discussion still needs to be held. I would not like my kids to sport tattoos, but there are tattoos that are more discreet than others, and not just in terms of their being visible or hidden. Nowadays, girls and young women are daily exposed to pictures of movies stars with highly visible tattoos, like Angelina Jolie. And then, there are the tattoos sported by our plumber, that include the Harley-Davidson logo…</p>
<p>marite - while I’m grossed out by the tattoo, the reason I didn’t have a conniption fit the first time is, honestly, it wasn’t the end of the world that she got one. I still felt taken advantage of that she spent “my” money ($75) on it, we’d had many conversations over her teen years and I’d made it a point for her to know that I did not like them.</p>
<p>This time, however, it was 98% the spending of the nearly $1000 while I’ve been busting my hump to make ends meet in order to ensure that her housing is taken care of, her extra expenses for a very expensive program are covered (with few grumbles on my part), and that her needs have been met first and foremost. The tattoo 2%.</p>
<p>That’s the truth. It is indeed about blatantly taking advantage of me and my hard earned money. </p>
<p>Take advantage of me once, shame on you, take advantage of me twice, shame on me. </p>
<p>I will not be a patsy to her or anyone else.</p>
<p>I can certainly see why you are so angry at your D. She is being an immature ingrate, that’s clear. I wonder, though, how she can be so thoughtless when you have worked so hard to give her so much support? It sounds like she is feeling a little too entitled and I agree that it’s time to pull back on the financial support. One suggestion: do what you need to do, but wait until you are not so angry to speak to her about it. Be careful of being extremely punitive when you have previously been the other extreme. You want to be sure she gets the message. If you act out of spite, she will just react and not learn the lesson (hence, the second tattoo). At her age, it is reasonable that she think about paying for her own educational and living expenses. She is not mature enough to be grateful for all you have done for her.</p>
<p>Thanks for the clarification, conflictedmom. I think you did right.</p>
<p>conflictedmom, hugs to you. You’ve handled the really tough issue well, IMO. I hope your D gets the part about the percentages. If you have to repeat the messsage for her, don’t emphasize your disgust with tattoos (yuck, I find them as attractive as ink stamps on pig carcasses), make sure she understands that it is all about her living beyond her means while you bust your tail to support her through her extra years of schooling.</p>
<p>conflictedmom, I think you did the right thing. S is in at a very expensive college which we are paying for, no questions asked. The program is such that it would be hard for him to have a PT job. He has a credit card to use for school-related expenses and we pay tuition & room & board directly to the school. He also has a debit card to his own bank account with spending money earned over the summer. </p>
<p>I question the charges that he makes when I think it’s something he should have had on his debit card instead. He knows that all but $40 of my monthly pay check goes to his tuition. I remind him that’s 10 Starbucks lattes. </p>
<p>He has been quite responsible. He wanted to spend more than $400 on a digital recording device which is arguably necessary for his major, but he called first to discuss various models, sent me to the Website to review them, and then made the purchase with our approval.</p>
<p>$1000 is outrageous.</p>
<p>I think you did the right thing, OP.</p>
<p>I cannot thank all of you enough for your support, your thoughts, your ideas. This has been a day I wish I could erase, but I cannot. </p>
<p>I am not angry, have not raised my voice (cannot say the same for D). I did indeed share the 98% VS 2% concept with her, but she is unable to hear anything right now. Can’t say I blame her. </p>
<p>Thanks again. Really.</p>
<p>First of all, I totally agree with you on the tattoos (yuck!) and the cost! I think my head would explode. Also, I think your solution is perfect. It gave you a way out, without compromising your threat, while still enforcing concequences. You did great!</p>
<p>Ok - now this sounds really wierd, and maybe the dark humor side of me showing but I would consider, when you have calmed down (may take awile) to take her out to lunch. Order some wine or something (she is 21 - show her you acknowledge her as a grown up). And let her know that even though she intiaially made you really angry, and pushed your buttons, that looking back, you see how much of an opportuity this is for something that was going to have to happen sooner or later anyway. As she becomes an adult, she is going to have to learn that she is going to have to be more and more reliant on herself. So, in a way, this action opened the discussion and the avenue for her to start on this journey. And that even though the method that she used was upsetting to you at the time, it actually opened the door for her to be more independent.</p>
<p>Now - for the dark part - LOL - then ask to see her tatoo, as you think you may have changed your mind after all on them, with society being so accepting of them, you have really started to like them. You are curious. Then oooh & aww about it. Tell her it is beautiful (lie like a rug if you have to). Then ask her if you can take a picture, because you are thinking of getting one EXACTLY like it as a Mother/Daughter bonding moment, to commerate the incident that lead her on the road to real independence. :-))))) Tell her next time she gets one you want to go with her, or maybe even get the same one. Now that you have some extra money since you wont be giving it to her, you will finally be able to afford luxuries.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: This is worth what you paid for it LOL. Wonder if it would actually work??? But then I am the Mom who hated saggy pants (my son’s barely sagged, but they did) and it drove me nuts that you could see the top of his underware. Until one day, when I saw an adult man without saggy pants KWIM and I saw way more than I wanted. I am now in favor of slightly saggy pants for all men LOL. Much better than the alternative! PS - don’t get the tatoo :-)))</p>
<p>conflictedmom, I’m glad you followed-through.</p>
<p>Conflictedmom,
Here’s hoping today is a better day. As always, I’m ever so impressed by the good advice and support offered here in the CC community.</p>
<p>I am still wondering if this impulsive and extravagant behavior is highly unusual for your daughter. If its not a normal bx for her, then why now?
a breakup? unusual stress? a domineering “friend”?</p>
<p>I agree with you about tatoos. Still, I see people mark their sobriety with small tatoo, friends getting same one, following role models, etc.</p>
<p>I guess it will be a long time before your D gets a present.</p>
<p>We had a similar discussion in our house last night. Son had a job over the summer to earn book/spending money for the upcoming year. DH helped him to get the job. No expenses living with us. Goes back to school with instructions to get work study he is eligible for. More difficult than anticipated. So I helped him financially (while busting my tail to do so). Thankfully he got work study. So now he’s home for break. His bank account is completely empty. He’s spent every penny I’ve given him PLUS what he’s earned. But he has a fantastic pair of sneakers and some ridiculous pair of striped seersucker pants. Oh, and a beer gut that he lost over the summer somehow reappeared. But no new tattoos- guess he figured the three he already had were enough. </p>
<p>Meanwhile D is living frugally from a stipend. They both got the same messages growing up about living within your means, saving for a rainy day, etc. etc. etc. —so thanks to this thread I told him to get his tail in gear and figure out how he’s going to pay for his books next term. Because his work study sure isn’t going to do it. And I’m not either.</p>
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<p>Ah, one of the things that makes parenting such a wild challenge. Two kids, growing up with the same advice, one heeds it, the other disregards it. What’s a parent to do?</p>