<p>S1 has always managed his money well.
S2 (college soph) currently has $.77 in his checking account…aagghh!</p>
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<p>How devious of you, CM!</p>
<p>I agree that it would be crazy to cut off any tuition for college (which you haven’t done). But obviously, the money you have been sending is more than she needs to receive from you in order to keep her boat afloat. Maybe a few months of using all of her own money for expenses will lead to an apology and a re-figuring of the absolutely needed amount.</p>
<p>ellemenope wrote - Maybe a few months of using all of her own money for expenses will lead to an apology and a re-figuring of the absolutely needed amount…</p>
<p>In a way this is what I hope for. Right now I am getting the silent treatment (not new for her, but it’s been a loooong time since she’s done that). Meanwhile I send e-mail tidbits in hopes that she realizes I am still “here”.</p>
<p>Kids. Sigh.</p>
<p>One part I must disagree with is some of the posters who advise <em>continue sending money; but only for this or that…</em> or <em>continue her tuition, but pay it directly…</em>.
Your paying her bills(and let’s remember, her tuition is her bill even if you have graciously paid it so far) directly is no help in this situation. Any money you pay on her bills just frees up any other money she has for whatever she wants.
Further- to give the ultimatum that you will quit subsidizing her if she gets another tatt, but then when it happens you merely cut back-somewhat on subsidizing her? What? What does that teach? It teaches you are a softie; that your word is meaningless; that she can get her way with you no matter what her behavior, and many other wrong lessons imo.</p>
<p>If your ultimatum was overzealous, or too harsh, you had 3 yrs to modify it, and not lose face. You chose not to do so. Now that the offense, if you will, has occurred, is not the time to back down on your ruling.</p>
<p>I still feel this needs to be a real life lesson for her; and for you too, if you made an ultimatum while not thinking clearly due to the emotion. I’d reiterate that if you now feel it was too harsh, to continue with it anyway, but just surprise her with a nice cash gift in a yr or 2; and hope she takes that money to put on debt rather than yet another tatt.</p>
<p>Absolutely agree with the decisions you’ve reached re support, financials, etc. But I wonder about one thing: In your first post you said she told you she had a “temper tantrum” and was “mad at the world”. I don’t mean to scare you, but is it possible that something has happened to her to cause this ‘defiance’. Is she reaching out? IMHO 21 IS harder than the teen years: just legal, more available, higher expectations, (bad) men (no offense intended)…</p>
<p>Like I said, I don’t mean to scare you… You sound like an exceptional parent but is someone close to both of you whom you both trust who could speak with her- maybe a casual phone call or visit- to really look into her eyes…</p>
<p>I wish you all the best.</p>
<p>ironmom - you haven’t scared me…</p>
<p>I do think the additional stress of her program has <em>some</em> to do with it, but not all. If I were asked point blank I’d say she’s wishing she could retreat to the “old days” of not having so much responsibility. There’s the rub. Growing up is tough business, and I’m glad I don’t have to do it today (with the scary economy, etc.). </p>
<p>younghoss - I do hear what you’re saying, but I will not stop paying the tuition. Just nothing more.</p>
<p>She is taking advantage of you, and you are enabling her. Ask her to pay you the $1000 in a reasonable amount of time, months, not years, and tell her that she needs to get herself ready to be self-suffiicent in the next 6 month to a year.</p>
<p>Yea, my kids have voiced not being thrilled about the current state of things but have been able to keep this to talking rather than other reactions that might be more permanent.</p>
<p>Sorry you have so many things to have to sort through and know you will make the best choices you can with these challenging circumstances.</p>
<p>Conflictedmom, it seems that you are not only conflicted but angry, controlling, and passively aggressive. I have tried to understand an appropriate response when I feel hurt, angry or excessively emotional. I try to step outside of myself and look at the situation with as much detachment as possible. First I would suggest you re-analyze your 2% conclusion. It seems that you were very upset and drew a very deep line in the sand when the financial issue was only $75. That does not really seem like a financial concern. It seems that you really dislike tattoes and wanted to control your daughter’s behavior. There is a certain point where we need to let go and our kids need to do what they consider important. I really dislike tattoes, but they have become very popular. I just spent a few days in Portland, Or, and there were very few young people without extensive tattoes and/or piercings. I blame the recent TV shows and the faddish nature of teenagers and young adults. As a parent, we all face times when our kids do things differently than we think they should. Sometimes, it is best to just back off and swallow the pride and anger. Dealing with the money is the easy part. Dealing with buried anger, revenge and control is much harder.</p>
<p>ConflictedMom, I think you have handled this just fine. Your D obviously does not understand the difference between “needs” and “wants.” If D has enough money to spend $1,000 on a tattoo – a “want” if there ever was one – then she has the capacity to provide for her own needs, as well. And by going ahead with the tattoo against the wishes of the single parent who has been supporting her, D told you loud and clear that she wishes to be an independent person who makes and decides how to spend all her own money.</p>
<p>Since this was her choice, I think you are being very gracious to continue to pay her tuition and to be cordial instead of crabby to her. Keep being kind and supportive, and tell her that you know she can handle the added independence that she wanted.</p>
<p>However, if the silent treatment continues through the end of the semester, I would very nicely ask D whether she is trying to tell you (via the silent treatment) that she wants to take responsibility for paying her own tuition next semester, too.</p>
<p>And edad, you are out of line. I don’t think this single parent asked a lot: Don’t get another tattoo while I am sacrificing my own wants and needs to subsidize your education and lifestyle.</p>
<p>The kid obviously wanted her independence – and the $1,000 tattoo – more than she wanted her parent’s financial support. And that’s what she got.</p>
<p>edad - I’m none of those things. I am, however, a hard working, caring person and mother.</p>
<p>whatever4 - I don’t think the silent treatment will last that long but we’ll see, and I will have a conversation with her about shutting down, long before then.</p>
<p>I fear the cost of this tatt is going to be far greater than the greenbacks paid to the ‘artist’. I fear the OP is going to pay a far great price. “Cutting off your nose to spite your face” comes to mind. I also recall some stubborn parents who stood their ground on hair length and living with the bf/gf. Those wounds are deep and heal very slowly. …</p>
<p>Perhaps your D could simply repay the $1000 and you could salvage your relationship??</p>
<p>There’s something to what masslou says about deep wounds and slow healing… </p>
<p>In another 20 years will that tattoo matter so much? Are you willing for this disagreement to deeply affect your relationship with your daughter? Because it could. Is this disagreement worth that possibility?</p>
<p>I don’t have advice or a solution. Just posing a question.</p>
<p>On the other hand, this could be the moment of enlightenment for the d, the one where she finally realizes that it is not all about her.</p>
<p>As long as one is helping a child financially, you could argue that all sorts of things are up for grabs for control by the parent. Hair length (as mentioned, huge in the 60s), social lifestyle, clothing style, tatoos, etc. I’m in the minority but I think it’s really important to (no matter whether you are funding a kid’s education or not) to let them have their artistic, personal expression. There is nothing more personal than one’s body — not getting a tatto may seem like a minor prohibition to many parents – but to this kid, it’s apparently quite a big deal (even if it became big by the absolute denial/control on this issue). She’s apparently now willing to take crazy financial steps to manifest her personal autonomy. You can argue that no child who’s taking $ from a parent is entitled to autonomy, but that’s not going to play out very nicely – for the child, the parent or their relationship. </p>
<p>Sometimes … relationship value > than standing on personal principle/preference.</p>
<p>Have you had a direct conversation about the new $K tatoo? How do you know about it? Have you seen it? Consider ignoring it from here on out. Pay the direct bills, rent, tuition, etc., anything which affects future and everyone’s credit report. But any other reasonable request for funds might be greeted with…whoops, guess that amount goes towards the $1,000 you had to spend which I am not financing. Then drop it. If on the phone, either disconnect, or say “gotta go”, if it person, say “this is boring, you knew the rules”…and leave. Let it go, let her be the one to struggle with the consequences and the awkwardness of the situation. </p>
<p>Sorry if I have missed something in the preceding discussion about any of this. But try hard to disengage emotionally, let her be the one to suffer and struggle. Good luck, and cyber-hugs to you.</p>
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OK, but couldn’t she have gotten one that didn’t cost $1000?</p>
<p>Am I the only person who thinks $1000 is a huge amount of money to spend on body art when you can’t even support yourself? I’m pretty sure Suzi Orman would have said “You can’t afford it!”</p>
<p>I hear all of those calling out about this issue damaging our relationship far beyond the “cost of the tattoo”. </p>
<p>If she suddenly coughed up a grand to “repay” me for the expense, I would take the money, thank her for it, and would still stand my ground. </p>
<p>She knows (because she lived with me for 18 years) how very hard I have struggled to support us. She knows (because I have told her) that paying tuition and subsidizing her expenses has been an even bigger and harder struggle, because now it is two separate households, not just one. For her to throw that up in my face by tossing a thousand bucks into a fire pit is unconscionable, and I would be a hypocrite if I sat idly by and did nothing. I have my limits and this was one of them. </p>
<p>I meant it when I said it’s so very little to do with the tattoo. It’s about the outlandish cost. </p>
<p>What would I have done if it had been another $75 tattoo? I have no idea. That didn’t happen. Instead I got robbed of $1000.</p>
<p>Have I seen it? No. How do I know about it? She has friends with mouths that don’t know when to stay closed. Have I told her “who” told me? No, I don’t see a point, it wasn’t malicious. As for all those other “things” - hair, clothing styles, etc., I have always been supportive, and I know she is creative, she always has been. All she needed to do was wait until she was finished with MY financial support and she could have her whole body made into a canvas…at HER expense…not mine.</p>
<p>As Suze Orman would have said…DENIED!</p>
<p>I completely see your point of view. For me this would be a matter of consideration for your mother, doing the right thing, not putting one’s own wants ahead of helping out family. Conflictedmom, I am completely with you and I would have made your decision even if it created distance for some period of time between myself and my child. I would lecture about banking for a rainy day (ie: emergencies), caring about how hard we work for a dollar, consideration for family etc.</p>