What would you have done- kind of innappropriate sitting on sofa and hand placement

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So, my Ds had a bunch of friends over. I went into livingroom at 1130 after most and left and a male and female (not BF/GF- not that that matters anyway), were kind of draped over each other, and from my angle coming into the room (hidden from the view of the others in the room), his had was shall we say, to the left of shoulder, in a kind of “grazing” position…it was obvious to me that he was trying to be subtle and sneaking, but I know a 2nd base when I see it</p>

<p>I was surpised so I went to the coffee table, started cleaning up and then went into the kitchen and back again. This time his hand was on her solar plexus for want of a better word- above the stomach but between the danger zone, but still very conviently placed for you know, exploration</p>

<p>Anyway, I stayed in the room and puttered around, and was still in a kind of stump as to whether to say something or just keep puttering around</p>

<p>I have had many kids in my home and most show decorum and respect when I am in the home. And that is most of the time when they are visiting. </p>

<p>I am not a prude, and understand teens, but this was one of those cases that I knew wasn’t just, oh he is like a brother…and if my H had put his hand there on me, well, not cool in public</p>

<p>I called my D over, and she told them what I said…the boy left shortly afterwards</p>

<p>I told my D as well that next time those two are in our home, I will be in the same room…</p>

<p>If you saw that, would you say anything (it was one of those subtle things, but we all know having been there), or what?</p>

<p>I am going to be talking to the friend about my home, and the young man, well, he has usually been a gentleman at my home, but well, he lost my trust…</p>

<p>so, ever walked in on something was “deniable” but you just knew? what did you do?</p>

2

<p>CGM, I wish I could say that I would have barged in, raised cain, then banned the offender from my home. However, I probably would have done just what you did. I think you did the reasonable thing and I think talking to the friend about your “rules of the house” is appropriate.</p>

3

<p>I was also thinking that what I would <em>like</em> to do and what I would do in reality are probably two different things. One thing that comes to mind - perhaps I would have said something like, “Would you two help me carry these things to the kitchen?” or some other job that would require them to separate. I do tend to be pretty frank and open, and would possibly have made some sort of wisecrack - “Susie, does your boyfriend know about Tom here?” or “Just make sure the hands stay in the green zone” or “Getting to know each other, are we?”</p>

4

<p>Don’t make a joke, I’m 19 and barely becoming comfortable to say/hear any words associated with “sex” with my parents. We get about two steps forward every month I grow older, but when they make a joke about it, we go five steps back. It’s just embarrassing and so not cool.
Instead, suggest that they all get up and grab some food (store cookies or brownies or something, or even fun fruits or snacky stuff) and see what happens. If they still don’t separate, then talk to your D. But honestly, she probably doesn’t want to have to tell her friends to knock it off, so she’ll probably joke, but don’t follow in suit. </p>

<p>Frankly, I wouldn’t worry about it. Soon, the girl will realize it’s innappropriate and not “lady-like” and will tell him to knock it off. Right now, she’s probably just enjoying the attention. Don’t you remember these awkward years? And while yes, you probably never did it in front of adults, do remember that your D was having them over, not you…they probably hardly noticed or cared about you because that’s how “cool” teenagers are. At some point, as teenagers, we all have awkward times with other parents. They all will learn, so let them.</p>

5

<p>see binx, that is what I needed…I usually am quicker, but this just took me by surprise, and the two kids involved who claim they are like brother and sister…yeah, sure</p>

<p>So a couple of weeks ago the mom girl asked me about the boy, who her D met through my D, all “friends” and I said, ah, nice guy, good manners</p>

<p>well, if she asks again…</p>

6

<p>PS- I wouldn’t be quick to bad mouth the boy. They are kids. And that will make the mom put a bad label on the boy, her D will probably decide to hate you, and thus might end up on your D. Let it go, if it continues, then do something.</p>

7

<p>they learn BECAUSE we react, not ignore or pretend not to notice…this morning I was not my usual cheery chipper self, I wasn’t rude, but I wanted her to know I didn’t appreciate the basic abuse of my house, where her parents feel she is safe and behaving</p>

<p>and regardless who has them over it is MY home, not my D, they are OUR guests, not just my Ds, and as such, there are standards</p>

<p>I wasn’t going to bad mouth the boy, when are facts bad mouthing and the D is also 50%, I won’t say anything unless she asks</p>

<p>These are kids…and I wouldn’t want my D acting like that at someone elses parents’ house. </p>

<p>I just wanted to get some ideas…they both should now better and I am hurt that they would think that was okay in my livingroom with me in the home, or not in the home</p>

<p>A bit of shame and embarssament is not a bad thing you know, so what if they are embarrassed, they should be</p>

<p>Sexual contact should be somewhat private and if it went further in my home, the other mother would be rightfully angry with me</p>

8

<p>It doesn’t sound like they were doing anything so innappropriate, from a teenager’s standpoint. I wouldn’t have done it, but I am quite prudish around adults. I wouldn’t have said anything unless something more were going on, and I certainly would never dream of badmouthing the boy. Beyond that, I agree with Shoebox.</p>

9

<p>sorry hand on the breast is not appropriate, and I won’t bad mouth the boy, but I won’t lie either to protect him- so if mom asks, I will tell her</p>

10

<p>I’m sorry, from your original post it did not seem that his hand was on her breast. No, that is not appropriate, and I think asking them to stop is appropriate. I think that telling the girl’s mom, however, would unnecessarily humiliate her.</p>

11

<p>I was trying to be subtle, but yes hand on breast and moved only after I came into room, but not by much</p>

<p>I am not going to tell the mother, but is she asks about the boy, I will say what I saw, not mentioning it was her daughter</p>

<p>yes it takes two to tango, but to think that is okay in someone’s parent’s livingroom, not eve your own home, is beyond tacky and 16 year olds should know better</p>

<p>it was a much their “non-reaction” to seeing me and not shifting to a more appropriate position in my presence that irked me as well as the hand laying on the breast</p>

12

<p>I cannot fathom why the boy is taking the blame here. Whatever transpired between the two of them was consensual and with full awareness of the situation by both parties. I wouldn’t have said anything, as long as they’re sitting upright and clothed. Maybe a dramatic throat clearing and smirky smile, but that’s about it.</p>

13

<p>not sitting upright, but were clothed, and I am not blaming the boy, the boy is new to the girls life as a “friend” the mother who is a longtime friend asked me, as he has been my Ds buddy for 3 years, what I thought about him</p>

<p>If she asks again, I will tell her what I walked in on…what, if they weren’t doing anything wrong, they won’t care if mommy knows</p>

<p>and remember, my sofa…my rules…</p>

<p>if your D was sitting on a sofa and a boy had his hand on your Ds breast you would have said nothing, not even reacted?</p>

14

<p>and as for embarassment, should we only worry about the consensual teens embarassment, what about mine?</p>

<p>and I don’t want to be known as the house where its okay to get felt up on the sofa, thank you very much</p>

<p>why is it that teens’ feelings and whatever take precident over all else in this world? </p>

<p>if they can grab breasts, they can be a bit embarrassed…if they let a guy fondle them and someone sees it, well, too bad if they get red faced…</p>

<p>and if I do tell the mom and the Ds friend is mad at me, so what, let her be mad, she didn’t care about my home and that makes me angry…and if she puts her anger onto my D, what kind of immature friend is that anyway…do we not say things because teens might get mad at the mean adults? egad, talk about wusses</p>

<p>I am not going to run off and call the mom and blather, however, I will not lie or cover up- I am disappointed in both people…</p>

<p>why all this much concern about their feelings when they cared not one iota about mine until caught</p>

15

<p>CGM…your sofa…your home…your rules. Its not easy being a parent. IMO…Keep communication open, and talk to your D about rules, decorum. Seek her input as to what she might think is the best way to handle this in the future, so that it can be avoided. It may eliminate a repeat experience. And if your are friends with girl’s mom, then next time you have coffee, you might talk about it…maybe in the third person-play that one by ear.</p>

16

<p>Next time you see someone going at it just say, “Hey you two… ya know there’s a motel up the street that rents rooms by the hour…”</p>

17

<p>I would have walked in and said something like, “Hey, get a room, people.”</p>

<p>But I wouldn’t have followed up on it if they didn’t stop because, frankly, they’re better off groping each other in a friend’s living room than in a private place where things might get even more serious.</p>

<p>And it’s just as much her fault as his.</p>

18

<p>"“Hey, get a room, people.”</p>

<p>Except in my house, they’re liable to hi-tail it upstairs!</p>

19

<p>I wouldnt have done anything. If they were goin at it, I certainly wouldve. They’re kids–I’m sure you werent completely straight during those years. It wasnt exactly the most respectful thing to do while others are around (I can’t say I’m not guilty of doing the exact same), but I’m sure it wasnt completely obvious. Obviously enforce rules if you have to, but dont be the parent that’s watching out and coming into the room every minute. If it’s such a worry, I would advise you to tell your daughter not to have male company over. I can say with a lot of confidence you have no idea what goes on elsewhere. Kids are kids. As long as you’ve raised them well, give them the benefit of the doubt–or talk to them openly.</p>

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<p>It does seem a bit ridiculous when we have to spell out rules that seem like common decency. Sometimes kids take the attitude that, if it isn’t strictly forbidden, then it’s okay. So we end up with continually making new rules about things we shouldn’t have to address.</p>

<p>Obviously these kids are not being taught proper protocol anywhere else, so if the situation arises (so to speak), by all means, use the “teaching opportunity.” I am troubled by their age, and the casualness of the encounter. I do not believe it is necessary to pretend nothing is happening - it does give the message that it is okay.</p>

<p>Even if they were older, and in a serious relationship, I still think it is private behavior. (However, I am aware that there are many facebook students who disagree with me.)</p>