my son is 17. he’s found himself in a bit of a bind and is paying a price he believes is unfair. Did I mention he’s 17? A little background. He’s a junior, NHS, takes AP’s, a strong B student, has nice friends. But it’s been a very very lonely year. I will get to that in a minute. Over the past 3 years he’s used weed on occasion. He’s been caught by us (noticed he’s stoned, found it, or he’s flat out admitted the occasional use when asked). And we’ve counseled him like we have the older siblings as to our level of tolerance. It’s zero tolerance I might add. Yet, we know that some teens will test the waters, so we let him tell us where he’s at, hear him out, and then we stay on message. Which is, we don’t think it’s healthy, you’re too young to be using this or alcohol, and until you’re much older, it’s in your best interest to stay substance free. Since we can’t follow you around, if it rears it’s ugly head and lands on our doorstep, there will be consequences. And there have been. Some very short, some long (made him wait a year to get his license since driving you need to be sober, period). He’s come around, kinda see’s our side and seems glad to be no longer as interested, or so he’s says. But, through it all, he’s claimed that ALL of his friends use from time to time. My comeback is thanks for sharing, how’s that working out for them by the way, and I appreciate your candor, but it’s not going to in any way change my mind and decide it’s okay.
Because he’s grown up with these friends, and because he’s pretty open with them, he’s been vocal about his situation with us, and shares his consequences. And he claims their reaction is one of sympathy but also, so glad they’ve never been caught. This past year, it’s pretty obvious that he’s not as welcome, and most definitely not at one friends house at all. Further, he found out that the parents have asked their son and the other’s to lie about what they’re doing, because he’s not welcome. His closest friend said he hates having to lie and thinks it’s bogus, but just the way it is. BTW, known the dad for years, he’s a judge, nice guy, but still, the welcome mat has been removed with regard to my son.
So here’s the kicker for my son. He’s lonely, he’s hurt, he’s feeling isolated by all this. He came to me to vent. Says the parents are total phonies, all nice to him in public, but making his friend lie, and he really thinks the friend to be one of the nicest kids he knows. So he wrote the parents an email outing them in the nicest of ways mind you, and further lets them know that he thinks that while he might have made some mistakes, and he sincerely apologizes for that, he’d like to let them know that he’s aware of the situation and he wants them to know he’s aware. He asked me if he should send it. I read it and told him no. And here’s what I told him. I said that the only person in life that he has power over and can control is himself. He has no right to ‘out’ these parents, regardless of how unjust, or fake, or bad it feels. It’s their business to run their lives and household however they see fit. If they decide that they think he’s a bad influence that’s their prerogative, end of story. I asked him why now, why is it suddenly so painful? He says that he’s so sick of asking what the others are doing, getting vague answers, knowing full well that this must be one of those times that they at his house, and he says that the kicker for him, is that while he would not have taken part because he knows I might drug test him and he quite frankly likes his freedom, they ate pot brownies the other night! I told him that I was glad then that he got shut out, and he sighs and says ‘I figured’. But, I told him he’s missing the point. The point is this: he took a walk on the wild side. It has it’s price whether he likes it or not. And to feel sorry for himself, while genuine, is misdirected. And I don’t see where two wrongs make a right. That’s when he sighs even louder. Ha, gotta love teenagers! What say you? What would have been your counsel?