What you wish you knew before signing your divorce agreement

Parent Cafe
61

<p>Zoosermom, </p>

<p>Realistically, how many men do you know who don’t have kids have any realistic expectations of how kids should act? </p>

<p>I have a client who married a man (older, never married, no kids), and their source of conflict is his repeated statements e.g. “Your kids are all s__t; I’d cut them all off”. He carries on before every visit. He has no comprehension of the love we feel for our children, regardless of some of their behaviors. She wishes she had never married him, it is such a source of stress.</p>

62

<p>My brother, who is the most reasonable person I know, married a woman I adore with two kids after a very long relationship. The marriage lasted three years because my brother just couldn’t adjust to the normal behavior of her normal kids. My mother swears that if they had postponed marriage until the second kid went to college they would have lived happily ever after. This breaks my heart because they were so good together and now they are both alone. It takes a special man to live peacefully with another man’s child(ren).</p>

63

<p>Zoos,
Does your brother still date this woman? I know such a couple, who lived together, but her and his kid could no get along (police brought in on several occasions). The kids now away, and the couple don’t live together, but see each other. As their kids get older and more independent, I can see them moving back in together. </p>

<p>I think it takes superhuman strength to merge 2 families.</p>

64

<p>Advice for the OP’s friend: Put in a provision about how future conflicts will be decided if the parties can’t come to an agreement. I think a good idea is to have a professional mediator make the final (binding) decision if the parties just can’t agree. This keeps a lot of “little” things from becoming court matters. Make sure you specify who will pay for the mediator!</p>

<p>Think about how you will handle junior being invited to birthday parties, etc. Some will fall on “mom’s” day, and some on “dad’s” day, but there’s no way to make it come out perfectly equal. Just deal with it! But you might put something in your paperwork about which parent buys birthday gifts for junior’s friends.</p>

<p>Starting right now, try to keep all communication in writing - email works well. This way there’s a paper trail. Keep these emails FOR.EV.ER.</p>

<p>Many people fear their ex will move far away and take the child(ren). My settlement includes language to deal with that issue PLUS language that says my ex cannot move into the same development I live in. I do not want him as my neighbor for a variety of reasons.</p>

<p>Realize that as kids get older, they typically spend less and less time with their parents. Visitation time with either parent shouldn’t become so sacred that the kids can’t have their own lives (extra-curricular activities, jobs, hanging out with friends, school projects, etc.) If junior spends 3 nights a week “out”, and you have 50/50 custody, then each parent will have to be content with 2 nights a week instead of 3.5. Visitation HAS to be flexible to a reasonable degree. And both parents will have to do their fair share of schlepping junior around, based on real-life schedules. Just like married couples do for their kids. Do what’s right for your kid!</p>

65

<p>Maybe I’m too old school and I might feel differently had I ever been in this situation, but I question the wisdom of having a “live-in” arrangement with minor children in the picture. So much can go wrong - one of my grad-school professors had a girlfriend with a daughter. They lived together off and on for several years and every time they split up/got back, the child had to change schools. She was a mess and I thought this was the height of irresponsibility. Again, I’ve never been in this situation, but I can say with certainty that I would never have someone move in with me unless/until we were married, and I would definitely call my ex out on it if he were to move someone in. MHO only.</p>

66

<p>*Realistically, how many men do you know who don’t have kids have any realistic expectations of how kids should act? *</p>

<p>this is very true. It is very hard to make a second marriage work when the new H has never had children. He will very likely think “regular behavior” is bratty-awful behavior. And, they rarely will understand age-appropriate behavior.</p>

<p>*marriage lasted three years because my brother just couldn’t adjust to the normal behavior of her normal kids. *</p>

<p>Yep!</p>

67

<p>So much truth in many of the above posts. Especially important is the post above, from axw regarding the necessity of flexible placement based on kids needs. Especially as kids get older, there may be reasons, including physical proximity, for changing what has previously been a set pattern. Teens need to not worry excessively about the proprietary impulses of their parents, which sometimes happens with divorce. It is about the kids, not the parents. </p>

<p>Just from personal experience, I’d add a caution about leaving kids alone and expectations for after school care, especially in middle school when what is appropriate gets murky. One of the bigger stumbling blocks in my post divorce harmony with the ex was whether they should be left alone after school at this age. He often arrived home at 6:30 or 7, and thought leaving our kids alone after school till this time was fine. I was home by 4:30 and wanted them at my house, or somewhere supervised till he came home or could pick them up. </p>

<p>The question, as often arises in divorce, is the acceptability of just good enough vs optimal parenting. </p>

<p>I read something once regarding how most stepparents think the stepkids are overly indulged and disciplined too infrequently. </p>

<p>However, will put in a plug here for the relationships that can develop in remarriage situations. My dad married a few times, while remaining friends with my mom. We all got along, including my mom and especially his second wife, spent holidays together, etc. </p>

<p>Due to the emotional maturity of all involved, we never had the agony of where and how to celebrate special occasions, who got who where and when. Both that wife (who died early) and his later wife, have been some of the more important people in my life, though there was never any thought that they at all took the place of my mom. Extended family comes in many forms. </p>

<p>My kids have had the same experience with their dad’s girlfriends, very close, even past the breakups.</p>

68

<p>Even if a judge assigns debt to one or the other of you, if your name is on the debt agreement that was originally signed, the creditor can (and will) still come after you if the ex doesn’t pay. Creditors weren’t parties to your divorce, and they don’t have to go along with whatever you, your ex, and the judge decided.</p>

<p>If you write in that “tuition” will be shared according to some formula, be prepared to find yourself very short, as college costs much more than tuition. If possible, use the phrase “published cost of attendance for students living on-campus” at some benchmark college(s). </p>

<p>Try to get the ex to agree in writing that the ex will cooperate in timely filing of financial aid forms and supplementary materials.</p>

69

<p>That happens all the time with tax debt. Spouses show us divorce agreements where it says ex is liable for all prior tax debt but unless they go through the process for innocent spouse we never honor the divorce agreement.</p>

70

<p>The ‘best divorced couple’ (if there can be such a thing) is my sister-in-law and her ex-husband. I have never, anywhere, heard of, or seen another couple that have set their differences aside (and they were egregious) for the good of the kids, and both moved on with their lives.</p>

<p>My SIL left when my niece was 4yo and she was pregnant with my nephew. She had to leave the state to come ‘home’ for her and her daughter’s safety as the soon to be ex’s girlfriend went whackaloon and started showing up at my nieces daycare looking for her, leaving pictures on my SILs car, etc. This was a previous affair, there was therapy, forgiveness, it was supposedly over. Evidently not. So, my SIL had every right to be one bitter woman. My ex-BIL has had visitation with both kids all summer, spring break and half of winter break (about 7 states away). His support financially has always been hit or miss. She lived with her parents for two years until she could afford a small place. She went back to work when the ‘baby’ was 6mos. My MIL watched him until he went to kindergarden. She met and dated her new husband in her new neighborhood, maybe 4yrs? He never spent the night in her house until they were married and they bought a house together. He’s been an amazing step-father, they love him, he never tried to replace their dad, no children of his own. His extended family is now all consider family of my niece and nephew. When the son was a sophomore in hs he decided he’d never lived with his dad so he wanted to move there for the rest of hs. We were all shocked. No problem at home, just wanted a change. My SIL packed him up and sent him to his dads. She had to then pay child support. OUCH!! </p>

<p>Now one is out of college, youngest a second year. They split costs remarkably, however both go/went to very reasonable southern flagships. Neither parent has ever said a bad word about each other to the kids. When the kids were under 18 my ex-bil would stay with my in-laws when he was in town…imagine that, you’ve cheated on their daughter and she had to leave the state now you’re staying in their house! They are lovely and hospitable to him for one reason only. God forbid anything happen to their daughter he gets full custody and controls if you ever see your grandchildren again.</p>

<p>Everyone in this picture, I mean everyone put those kids first. They should write a book about blended families even after very difficult divorces. The kids are well adjusted, gracious, loving, and normal.</p>

<p>It’s worth noting I’m keenly aware because my parents slung me, and each other, though the mud during their divorce. Thirty-five years later and my mom’s still slinging mud despite lifetime alimony.</p>

71

<p>blueiguana’s post reminded me of another thing. Make sure that if one parent dies, someone from their family is entitled to visitation with the kids.</p>