<p>When a friend got divorced, the H really wanted the lovely house, so she was fine with her share of the equity, which she used to purchase a very large home and rent out bedrooms downstairs to students, which helps pay the mortgage. It works well for her and she plans to turn it into a supportive adult independent living facility for her S who has a LD but is high-functioning.</p>
<p>OP here. Loads of great advice!
I’m passing this stuff on.
Keep it coming. Thanks.</p>
<p>Here is an article that emphasizes the importance of having a QDRO if a 401k or a pension is to be divided:</p>
<p>[How</a> Divorcing Women Should Handle Retirement Accounts And Pension Plans - Forbes](<a href=“http://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/06/13/how-divorcing-women-should-handle-retirement-accounts-and-pension-plans/]How”>How Divorcing Women Should Handle Retirement Accounts And Pension Plans)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Indeed, so the best advice is not ditch the house/keep the house - but educate yourself about money. My ex was and is terrible with money so I managed all of our finances. There is no substitute for knowledge.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I could not do this if I had to maintain the yard by the sweat of my brow. I do a bit of gardening (just maintaining what I installed myself years ago). I don’t mow the lawn. Hiring a lawn service to mow weekly is the key to happiness, I’ve found. Once a year or so (actually skipped it this year), a couple of hundred $ buys professional edging and mulching. I pay $200 to have 30+ windows washed on the outside, once a year. So worth it.</p>
<p>If one has the resources, it is great to be able to get paid help to do least favored chores. 
my H enjoys puttering around the house and yard. He doesn’t want to hire anyone, so we don’t. </p>
<p>My dad has hired someone to help with mowing and trimming. He also enjoys puttering in his yard. Glad he lets someone do the large lawn and some trimming. :)</p>
<p>On the other hand H, I and dad are OK with finances. I don’t think mom has much of a clue, since dad has handled it for so long. It’s important to have a sound basic grasp of finances generally and your own specifically. Hiring a bookkeeper or CPA is fine, but you still have to understand it.</p>
<p>When my H and I were going through divorce discussions, I told him he can keep all of his toys (and he had many), but I either retain the tractor for lawn mowing and snow removal or he agrees to do this for me until last kid leaves the nest (and I downsize).</p>
<p>The way things seem to be going in terms of custody these days is joint custody. So child support may not be what is expected under the way it used to be. Several women I know are struggling with this, and though when this works the way it should, it’s better, two people who aren’t getting along often have trouble sharing anything jointly. I think getting another divorce attorney’s take on things after getting a divorce attorney is important, just in case something is left out.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Just came in from 2 hours of working on an area that needs more landscaping. Can’t say I enjoy it, but in order to afford tuition I got rid of the house cleaning service, and did not hire the lawn & gardening out except for occasional mowing by the neighbor kid when I am travelling. I do pay to get the windows washed in the spring. </p>
<p>I did feel like I wanted to keep the house because it was my kids’ home, at least until D2 left for college plus one year (didn’t want to pull the rug out and sell during her first year away). The divorce and visitation with dad & his new live-in was disruptive enough for them, and honestly – at first my ex-H thought I would just move out and he would move his new honey right in with him and the kids! Ha! THAT fantasy was not happening. </p>
<p>One thing I did was find out about lawyers in our area, and wait for the one I wanted to be available. We had to delay really getting started for a few months, but it was worth every minute of delay to have the right attorney. He ended up firing his first one, and his second wasn’t so good. Also, he is not very patient, and (as I figured he would), he caved on a bunch of stuff at the end and I got pretty much everything I wanted.</p>
<p>A related question but somewhat off topic–as kids get older–how do divorced parents handle things when a teenager (the girl I am thinking of is 15) doesn’t necessarily want to go along with a schedule that was set half a dozen years ago? </p>
<p>Sometimes she doesn’t want to spend the mandated Wednesday evening with her father because she would rather do something with her friends (for example, go to a basketball or volleyball game at school). or as he gets her every other weekend-- she wants to do things like go to her youth group Shabbat sleep over, or go to a football or soccer game or to a theater production at school.</p>
<p>The father has turned this into a “control” issue and insists on him making all decisions when the daughter is in his custody…and generally says no, claiming that it is his time. So, last weekend he said no to her going to the youth group fall dance…</p>
<p>The mom offered to trade weekends so the daughter could go but the dad refused.</p>
<p>Daughter was so upset. Not good for their relationship. </p>
<p>(this part has nothing to do with how to handle the central issue–but to top it all off, dad went out to dinner and a movie with his girlfriend Saturday night, leaving the daughter at home! He wants her life to be “normal” at his house, and that includes sometimes being home alone just as at her mom’s house).</p>
<p>The daughter is getting more and more vocal about not spending the mandated time with her dad. Not that she does not want to spend time with him–but wants more flexibility.</p>
<p>So, in the real world, I’m sure this is a common situation. How is this handled?</p>
<p>The only thing I can add to this is some provision regarding moving out of state. Sometimes the woman wants to leave for personal reasons, other times a job transfer. The man can hold her captive, or refuse to pay support.</p>
<p>As I think about it, I’ve come across some other situations:</p>
<p>Couple divorced because the man had a drinking problem and was nasty when inebriated. Unless he saw the kids every other weekend (2 hour drive for mom), he wouldn’t pay support(not that he was ever reliable). The kids hated going to his apartment. </p>
<p>Another woman agreed to let husband have the children for the summer, when they were older. Now she regrets doing that, as husband moved to Morocco, and she fears the children won’t be returned. </p>
<p>I’ve done some child custody cases, and the person seeking the divorce can foresee the potential landmines. Somehow, he/she needs to address those issues in the agreement. </p>
<p>Oh yes; change the locks on the house whenever he/she moves out.</p>
<p>boysx3</p>
<p>In GA, from the age of 14 on, kids have a lot of say in their parents’ custody arrangements. However, the mother may have to take the father back to court to get it changed. My friend is busy documenting very similar issues and more that have really damaged the child’s relationship with the father.</p>
<p>Same friend has a child that was 15 at time of divorce and Judge said visitation was up to child. Said child has never spent the night at fathers, but does eat meals and spend time there.</p>
<p>My friend feels like it is her job to be somewhat of an advocate for her daughter, but feels like it is mostly between her ex and child. Therapist agrees. However, her EX is a big jerk and I expect that by the end of the school year, she will have him back in court. He has fared poorly in previous hearings and Judge recognizes him for the pretty lousy human being that he is.</p>
<p>Boysx3 the friend I mentioned has the son who is 15. Things were always great, parents got along, but now he does not want to go to mom’s house because he and he boyfriend don’t get along. The lawyers are now involved with this because he refuses to go and neither parent can figure out how to make him.</p>
<p>boysx3, in spite of some acrimony around the divorce and the fact that my kids don’t care for their new stepmom, my ex has actually been pretty flexible about trading around as needed to allow my D2 (the one who was under 18 when we divorced) to participate in her activities. I try to give him a lot of notice when a trade seems like a good idea, and also make it clear that he does not HAVE to trade if it is inconvenient for him, but would be good for D2’s sake. I have also tried to be very fair in tracking the trades and not “shorting” him on time (as much as D2 would have liked me to do so!). I think when we were negotiating our deal, I might have said to him that I hoped we could be flexible when it made sense for D2, and maybe trade as needed and as it made sense. But you can’t make an adult act like a decent human being if they don’t want to, so your friend may not have any luck with this… :(</p>
<p>In our state (according to my attorney) the kids don’t really get a say no matter what age they are… so that may vary by state.</p>
<p>Bookworm, my ex actually had a key to my house because D2 is so forgetful… just easier when there is a textbook or sports equipment that is needed. As far as I know he never abused it, only came in if she was with him and being dropped off, or if he called me ahead of time and asked if it was okay if he picked something up. Got the key back after D2 left for college this fall.</p>
<p>zoosermom,</p>
<p>Why doesn’t the mom see her son alone for a day? Is she aware of what her b/f does to alienate her son? </p>
<p>Speaking from personal experience, if a man I dated acted poorly with my son, he was gone.</p>
<p>Inparent,</p>
<p>Since I work in this area, I’ve heard more than once about the ex- using the key sneakily to see if the other is dating, or buying new furniture. The worst was an unfit mom-lost custody and visits- who would enter house and stare at her sleeping children. She’d also show up at the kids’ school and make a scene. To top it off, she moved in with her divorce attorney. He started calling me and other professionals; he truly lost his professionalism over this woman.</p>
<p>The boyfriend and mom rented a house with the two sons. He actually threw the younger son out of the rental house because he was rude. And now won’t go back. The dad is my friend and we had lunch and he told me that he is at a loss. Both parents work and the son is in high school and chooses to come home to the dad’s house every day. Dad will not ban him from that house and the son doesn’t want to hear about going to the mother’s. personally, I think it was a bad idea for the boyfriend to move in.</p>
<p>Bookworm, I am very certain there are exes who do stuff like that and worse. And if the OP’s friend is worried about it, then definitely change the locks. Just saying… not all of them are like that. I am not a fan of my ex, but he isn’t really sneaky. I do keep all financial papers locked up so stuff like my bank statement is not sitting on the table when he comes in, but that is about the only thing I worry about.</p>
<p>And a date? Post divorce? What is that?? Too busy raising my kids (ahem, and taking care of my house…) to date… ;)</p>
<p>zoos,
your comment says it all. The b/f “threw out” a young teenager because he was “rude”? In whose opinion? Tell your friend to document everything he hears from his kids. Over 14, the kids have a say in whom they visit and under what circumstances. They can ask the court to appoint them a guardian ad litem. (I became friends with a Guardian who represented the other side in a Court case; she is a lawyer, and can afford to do this work. She’s so smart and sensitive.)</p>
<p>The kid is a brat. Mouthy. Surly. Lazy. As many 15 year old boys are. Not better or worse than most kids. But mom (who is a lovely person) decided to move the boyfriend in at the time that son 1 left for college. The boyfriend has no kids of his own and has unrealistic expectations, which sets up constant conflict. The father is a prominent lawyer but he just doesn’t want to force the son to do anything, his take on it is for everyone to step back and be respectful. Mom wants the original agreement followed to the letter. The divorce lawyers are now getting involved. As the situation has heated up, dad has begun to think boyfriend should leave. They never had conflict before and dad and boyfriend always got along fine. The son has been uncomfortable with the presence of boyfriend since he moved in.</p>
<p>Intparent,
You make me laugh. Thanks. You never know when a special man enters the picture. When I broke off my engagement, and moved back “home”, I never expected to meet anyone. 3 months later, at a professional meeting, met the nicest man I’ve ever known. 7 years later, still my 2nd best guy (son is #1).</p>