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<p>Frankly, compared to 20, 30 years ago, IMO, there’s a lot MORE of this type of thing, which really reflects people’s individual, personal style and tastes, and a lot LESS of the standard cookie-cutter-hotel-ballroom-sit-down-reception-with-chicken-or-beef. I think that’s a great trend, personally, and don’t see anything at all to bemoan about it.</p>
<p>I love any and all weddings and can be counted to cry at pretty much every one. </p>
<p>On a side note, my daughter was a member of the court in a sweet sixteen earlier this year. Parents are very wealthy and the party was amazing. Limousines, 8 girls in the court, the candle ceremony, Venetian hour, you name it. I thought it was a bit much at the time, but the photographs they had taken are truly a gift. The girls have all grown up together and the photographer did an amazing job. The parents are generous people who gave each girl some lovely gifts, including a photo album of the day and the relationship. That’s one thing I find lovely in a wedding – when the hosts or guests of honor are generous to and considerate of their guests. I love those gift bags, and I adore it when the couple is sincerely joyful and appreciative of the presence of their guests. And another thing. I don’t love modesty that much. I’m a big believer in sharing joy and being joyful. Don’t get me wrong, I dislike a braggart as much as the next as the next person, but if I know you and you’ve got good news, don’t keep it to yourself! Are you beyond excited about your wedding? Great!! Share the excitement. A lady on my bus is expecting her fist child and she was trying to be a bit blase about it because the other lady and I are old moms, but we were thrilled to witness and share her joy and excitement.</p>
<p>I started this thread because of some of the things my friend (mother of the groom-to-be) has been going through. The bride’s family has a lot of relatives, friends, and business associates. Since they are paying for the wedding and reception, it’s not an issue as to how many people are invited. My friend is just happy that she is the mother of the GROOM. :)</p>
<p>So . . . for those of you out there who have been the parents of the bride, how do you handle it if the groom’s side wants to invite more people than you can afford? I guess you just have to lay it on the line and tell them they have to cut their guest list? Can you do this without causing problems with future in-laws?</p>
<p>Jonri,
Your thoughts on the wedding as a window on how one deals with one’s family and conflcits, etc. is <em>exactly</em> why my H didn’t want to elope, and why he tells others there is value in going through the process.</p>
<p>We had a small wedding (55 folks) in 1983, total costs ~$4k. Made my wedding dress and the bridesmaid’s outfits. Did not buy new shoes (borrowed white sandals). Made silk flower arrangements to carry. Got engraved matchbooks! (Boy, what an anachronism now!) We got a good photographer – I shoot as a hobby, and photos are just too important to me. My folks paid for the reception @ $17/ ea. H’s parents did not contribute to any expenses. We paid everything else. We fed and housed people in our apartment starting two days before and going two days after the wedding. No engagement ring – we were young and had no money. Went to the Poconos for three days and the cabin we were staying in was served with a sheriff’s sale notice the day we left.</p>
<p>If I had to do it over:
<p>For our sons’ Bar Mitzvah celebrations, we had the festivities at our house. (It’s a 60s-era 2600 sq. ft. split level.) Had either S wanted a big party, we would have worked on something affordable. However, they truly wanted their friends to come over and hang out. S2 had twelve of his friends sleep over the night of the party. </p>
<p>We cooked everything ourselves, with the exception of the chocolate fountain service we hired from someone I know through a volunteer group. We paid for hotel accommodations for H’s family (none of mine came) and a couple of family friends who were traveling with kids. A few folks stayed with us the entire weekend. Ordered tons of glowsticks, beaded necklaces, imprinted pencils, etc. from Oriental Trading. Rented a few DVDs. Cleaned out the computer room. We had 60 at one B/M, 80 at the other – most of the kids were watching movies, playing computer games or outside playing basketball/football. </p>
<p>I did the programs for the ceremony. We started with the tutor three months earlier than everyone recommended and it paid off beautifully, as both Ss can now read and sing trope at synagogue, beyond their Bar Mitzvah portions. (I learned how to do it by osmosis watching them study w/the tutor!)</p>
<p>Sportsmama – I have a few friends who said “This is what we can afford – if you want to invite more people, the cost is $XX per person.”</p>
<p>Well…I don’t agree that you should assume that the bride’s parents will pay for anything–let alone everything. So, right away, my thought would be that if the groom’s parents wanted to invite a lot of people, had an idea of financial circumstances and said nothing, that thiis should be a red flag to my kid. And, yes, I’m serious. </p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t tell the groom’s family they had to cut anyone. If they didn’t bring it up themselves, I’d say something along the lines of we are willing to cover the cost of 100 (or whatever) guests. We’ll be inviting X; the kids want to invite Y, and we will pay for the first Z you invite-- a number which should be equal to X, if at all possible. We understand you may want to invite more, so we’re letting you know, so you can choose whether to limit the guest list or contribute. An alternate might be to say, in order to invite X number, we’d have to scratch something else. Is there something you can pick up?</p>
<p>I think that’s a lot better than just saying, “You’ll have to cut your guest list.”</p>
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As one of the recently married people in this thread, I don’t agree that money is the only source of say in a wedding. There will be compromises that any couple will have to make in planning a wedding, regardless of who’s paying. It made me happiest to think about my wedding as a whole-family affair – my family, my husband’s family, and us – and to make compromises with our families accordingly. We made our compromises in proportion to the outlandishness of the requests, not in proportion to who was paying.</p>
<p>It’s all very well and good to say “it’s my money, it’s my day,” but your parents may have strong ideas about what a wedding ought to be, which you may or may not agree with. For the sake of your relationship with your parents, it behooves you to listen and discuss, even if you don’t always acquiesce.</p>
<p>mollie, the more I read of your posts, the more impressed I am. Congratulations to you -and to your parents for raising such a grounded young woman.</p>
<p>Mollie, that’s what I was driving at. </p>
<p>I think that all parties need to listen to each other.</p>
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<p>sportsmama, we didn’t have an issue with being able to afford it, as I said earlier in the thread, we paid for everything, but there was still a limit to the number of guests due to the chosen venue. My D and her H decided which friends they wanted to invite, obviously all family members were invited (on both sides) and then the ‘extras’ went to family friends. My SIL’s family had more family invitations so they chose not to invite any family friends, whereas we had fewer family invitations so were able to invite close family friends who my D wanted to be there. </p>
<p>A friend whose D got married a few years ago was in this position, though. Her D’s future inlaws came from a HUGE family. The bride’s family’s guestlist included a little less than 100 guests, including family. The groom’s family’s included 300! My friend and her H told the bride and groom that they would pay for 100 of the groom’s guests, but that was all they could afford. His family paid for the rest, with no objection. Again, all of this was worked out long before the wedding day, which is key, in my opinion.</p>
<p>Coming back to the OP’s question, I do think jonri’s response (post #225) is reasonable. Delicate question(s)-are the parents of the groom truly unable to pay for the rehearsal dinner, or is it just a matter of sticker shock? How many of the 60 attendees at the rehearsal dinner are friends/family of the bride, the groom, or both? Where is the wedding? Is it in the city where the brides parents live or is it in a city where the bride/groom live and everyone has to travel to it? How many are expected to attend the wedding and reception? How financially able are the brides parents to take on an additional expense over and above what they are already handling? Lets say the wedding is for, say 150 people, with 75 from the brides side, 50 from the grooms and 25 friends of the bride/groom . Lets say, for purposes of illustration, Parent of Bride is paying for a “big” wedding. This might include the cost of the invitations, postage, rental fee for the party/reception room, flowers, alcohol, musicians at ceremony and at the party, caterer, hors doevres, plated or buffet meal, wedding (and possibly grooms) cake, photographer, videographer, fees/donation for clergy, tablecloths, chair covers (yes, some people do that!!), centerpieces, wedding dress, hair and make-up for bride and bridal party, hospitality room set up in the hotel for the out of town guests, nice toiletry basket in the bathroom, gifts for the wedding party, hospitality bags for the out of town guests, printing directions or maps from the hotel to the events,… etc etc. Did I forget anything?? These things can be VERY expensive. So, if the groom’s family is asked to pay only for the rehearsal dinner, even if is attended by say 35% the groom’s family and 65% brides family, if it truly isn’t unmanageable for the grooms family, I say pay it and dont gripe. If there are true budgetary constraints, then this should be addressed up front, in the way jonri suggested. Also,the grooms parents should be dealing directly with the hotel/restaurant to work on the menu and tablesetting to keep control of the cost and budget of the rehearsal dinner. </p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I have boys-- I am not going to be a parent of the bride. But when my boys get married, I will be honored to handle the rehearsal dinner… assuming the wedding itself isnt a pot luck affair :D</p>
<p>Wow, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with this for a while. I am taking notes, however, and appreciate all the tips. :)</p>
<p>Sportsmama-
Happy to help. I was hoping you would answer the questions I asked.</p>
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<p>This is the best advice I’ve seen. Families have got to talk and communicate as issues arise–no matter who is footing the bill.</p>
<p>What about my wedding where my mother realised that H’s family wouldn’t understand our culture’s way of free flowing liquor but VERY little food. I told her that we HAD to serve some food at the reception, that people expect to be FED nowadays . (1991)This completely unnerved her. We ended up compromising with “heavy hors’ d’oeuvres” passed around and nobody complained of leaving hungry.</p>
<p>Sorry, jym, I thought the questions were rhetorical. Here are my answers:</p>
<p>Delicate question(s)-are the parents of the groom truly unable to pay for the rehearsal dinner, or is it just a matter of sticker shock? </p>
<p>The father is retired due to disability. My friend works 40 hours a week in retail. They aren’t rolling in money, so to speak, but I think it was more the shock of inviting all of those people to the rehearsal dinner. I, too, was surprised at this. That’s why I started this thread. I’m trying to prepare ahead of time so that when it IS time for my kids to get married, I am aware of the way things are done today. </p>
<p>How many of the 60 attendees at the rehearsal dinner are friends/family of the bride, the groom, or both? </p>
<p>All of those outside of the wedding party and immediate family are on the bride’s side.</p>
<p>Where is the wedding? Is it in the city where the brides parents live or is it in a city where the bride/groom live and everyone has to travel to it?</p>
<p>The bride, groom and all parents live in the same city. Both sides have relatives that are coming in from out of town. The groom’s side, however, has just a few. </p>
<p>How many are expected to attend the wedding and reception?
Around 150 are expected to attend.</p>
<p>How financially able are the brides parents to take on an additional expense over and above what they are already handling?</p>
<p>I don’t know. I don’t think my friend wanted to ask because it might make their future relationship uncomfortable. They are biting the bullet and going along to make sure things start off on right foot.</p>
<p>Thanks, sportsmama,
It is my understanding that the wedding party, immediate relatives and out of town guests (those arriving early enough to attend) are typically invited to the rehearsal dinner. It isnt a time to include all the , for lack of a better word, “general attendees” that will be attending the wedding. They are fortunate to all be int he same city! thats rare these days. But since they are, your frind should be able to deal directly with the hotel/restaurant to plan the rehearsal dinner and keep it in budget. Buffets are much more affordable than plated, served dinners. I’d recommend that as a way to keep the cost down. Good luck.</p>
<p>Ok–etiquette question.</p>
<p>My kid’s invitations say X and Y and our families invite you…(Don’t comment on that. They feel strongly about it.) </p>
<p>The question is how to address the inside envelope to relatives. I feel strongly that writing Mr. and Mrs. X addressed to my sibling and spouse is cold and heartless–especially given something incredibly generous they have done for the “kids.” So, I want it to say Aunt __ and Uncle __ inside. Kid doesn’t think that’s right because the invite is not just from my kid. </p>
<p>A neighbor tells me that I am wrong and my kid is right. I think even if so, feelings trump etiqette and my sibling would think it is really cold to get the invitation to my kid’s wedding addressed to Mr. and Mrs. X, especially since it will probably be in my kid’s handwriting, which they will recognize. </p>
<p>Just curious what others think.</p>
<p>For those of you gloating over having boys, don’t count those chickens yet. A few months after our son came out a friend of mine with daughters was talking about saving for weddings and said, “Of course, now you’re in the same position.” </p>
<p>Our plan along has been to be up front with what we can afford to pitch in and help with the heavy lifting as well. I’m good at putting on events under budget; so maybe my ninja negotiating skills will be helpful.</p>
<p>Jonri, you are correct.</p>
<p>Or do both, as follows?</p>
<p>Mr. and Mrs. X
(Uncle _<strong><em>and Aunt </em></strong>)</p>