<p>"I must be the dinosaur here… I can envision a back yard, intimate affair where the guest at my daughter’s weddings ( if I dare think of that at this point in time ) will have a nice time and memories will be sweet. "</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a matter of age. I think it’s a matter of culture, including ethnicity, and family traditions and personal taste. I wouldn’t count on the backyard thing until you meet the grooms! Thirty-five years ago, a couple got married in the style you describe. While that was normal for the bride’s family, the groom’s family translated this as " her father is a cheap ____." The groom’s father called the hotel where he was staying, rented a reception room and threw a spur of the moment after party, where everyone came and talked about the brides’s horrible family. His parents demanded that the bride and groom come. The bride didn’t want to, as she felt it was an insult to her family, and the groom said, if you don’t come, it’s an insult to mine. </p>
<p>So, the bride and groom got to have the first and probably ugliest argument of their married life on their wedding day. The groom’s parents still detest his wife’s family and the feeling is mutual. It’s been a bit of strain on both of them.</p>
<p>So, while you may end up with a lovely backyard wedding, make sure that the other family involved also thinks it’s “sweet” and not “cheap.”</p>
<p>People who think that “backyard” weddings are “cheap” ought to take a gander at Martha Stewart’s Weddings. I think it depends a lot on the yard in question! :)</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s a backyard, and sometimes it’s a lawn, if you know what I mean!</p>
<p>jonri, that is the worst and most tasteless story I have heard in a long time.</p>
<p>Lovely to hear that the groom’s family so easily talked trash about the bride’s family (and what was normal for them) - AND on her wedding day. I wouldn’t have gone either.</p>
<p>I’m sure there was an ugly argument and I’m surprised they are still together. UGGGH!</p>
<p>jonri-
Wow. What a story. I have a similar one, though I am a little rusty on the specifics, but will try to summarize . The son of a relative of my H’s was marrying someone in an orthodox community in Brooklyn. The fa of the groom called the fa of the bride to discuss the wedding plans. Apparently it is tradition to invite the entire community to the wedding and reception. Anyway, the fa of the bride asked the fa of the groom if he would go ahead and pay for the events and they would square up at the wedding. You can see where this is going. Nice guy that my Hs relative was, he agreed. However, at the wedding and recepttion, every time he tried to talk to the fa of the bride about the expenses, the guy disappeared. Then he (the fa of the bride) introduced the fa of the groom to the rabbi who said what a wonderful mitzvah (good deed) he was doing by paying for the whole weddign and including the whole community. Fa of the groom never saw a penny from the fa of the bride.</p>
<p>I know a couple where that groom’s family was much wealthier than the bride’s family. The groom and his family were not happy with what the bride’s family could afford. The groom’s family took over and made/paid for the wedding the way they wanted it. It was insulting to the bride’s family at the time.</p>
<p>Also know someone who had some arguments over photos (who should be in the pics) on their wedding day. It is no longer an issue. That marriage lasted about 7 years.</p>
<p>And I’m sure there are many divorced couples whose married lives started with courthouse ceremonies. I’ve no idea if amount spent on a wedding correlates (or anti-correlates) with likelihood of divorce–anyone know?</p>
<p>Definitely agree there should be more cultural focus on preparing couples for the challenges of living together, handling finances, raising children. Lots of sites like ‘the knot’ etc., but fewer, it seems, on the less-glamorous side of things (nuts & bolts – how to handle irritations productively, etc.).</p>
<p>Eww, Jonri, what an awful story. But it’s clear in your telling that the fault is the ugly behavior of the groom’s family, not the backyard wedding. yeeks!</p>
<p>I haven’t been through a wedding myself but would like to offer my perspective, not on how fancy the wedding should be but on the parents’ involvement. Personally, I would not want either my parents or my future husband’s parents to pay anything for the wedding (unless they decided to give us a check as a wedding gift). I feel very strongly that the wedding is something entirely between the bride and the groom, and while I would want the people I care about to celebrate it with me, I wouldn’t want them to be involved in actually shaping the wedding (suggestions and opinions are fine, as long as the bride and groom are ultimately in charge and no one’s feelings are hurt by that). </p>
<p>For example, I wouldn’t want either set of parents to invite anyone who didn’t mean anything to me or the groom but was close to the parents. I would feel the same even if they paid for that person to come. I think that it’s a day that celebrates the unity of the two people, and no one should get involved in how they want to express that. This is just my opinion. I understand that some people may want their families and friends to actively get involved. I guess I also know that my parents would not care about being involved in the planning and would just want to be there to celebrate it. </p>
<p>I feel especially strongly about this because at a wedding of a friend’s relative, the relative’s parents got really involved, and you could just feel their influence on everything. I don’t know how the couple felt about that, but I know I couldn’t do it.</p>
<p>acollegestudent, a wedding is not only the joining of two individuals, but the joining of two families. The latter part is often more difficult, especially when the families are from different traditions and have different financial resources. :D</p>
<p>My son is getting married this summer, and the type of wedding they are having is very different than what I would have planned (don’t know the feelings of her parents about what they are planning), but it is their wedding and they are ecstatic about it.</p>
<p>As mom of the groom, we are hosting the rehearsal dinner, and I found a place that has the vibe that is in total keeping with what they want, which is islandy, casual, and fun.</p>
<p>AND, the reception is going to be in the side yard of her parent’s house (granted, they live in the Florida Keys on the water, so a beautiful setting). But, the groomsmen are wearing flip flops and Mexican Wedding shirts, and the brides’maids are wearing simple J Crew sundresses, so no formality at ALL. They are planning a Cuban barbeque for the food, so, not pot-luck, but not beef wellington either ;)</p>
<p>It is their wedding and I am just so happy that they are soooo happy. I’ll be there with bells on!!</p>
<p>I think that we are privileged if our kids ask for our involvement in their wedding plans. And I think it is a wise young couple that recalls that, in addition to being a ceremony that creates a married couple, a wedding and the following celebration is a rite of passage involving their families and the larger community (unless the kids are eloping!).</p>
<p>“acollegestudent, a wedding is not only the joining of two individuals, but the joining of two families. The latter part is often more difficult, especially when the families are from different traditions and have different financial resources.”</p>
<p>Consolation, I understand what you are saying, but that is partially what I am trying to get at. I think that by the couple taking charge of the wedding and paying for it themselves, it would avoid the problems described above, at least when it comes to the wedding.</p>
<p>Also, I still think it’s more about the joining of the couple than of the families. I realize that, once again, it may be my unique perspective, but I don’t plan to return to my home town or live near where my parents live, and I don’t think I am going to marry someone who will. I live in New York, and most people I know are not from New York originally. So, the families really wouldn’t see each other more than a few times a year. As long as they respect each other, they don’t have to be terrible close. I would also marry someone I loved even if our families didn’t get along. In the end, I really do think it’s about the couple.</p>
<p>I also think it’s just a good way to start off. I would want decisions pertaining to my family to be made by my husband and me not have both sets of parents involved or expect to be involved.</p>
<p>Wow ! The wedding nightmare stories are really over the top. My nephew got married a couple of years ago. They were a good example of a couple that have focused too much on the wedding and didn’t give a thought to how to be married.</p>
<p>Her parents do not have a lot of money , so my sister and her husband paid for a lot of the reception…the rehearsal dinner also included my family who traveled the farthest of any guests.
It was nice , though a little choppy with the flow ( i.e. wedding ceremony in a lovely park , where the rental company forgot to deliver the chairs ) then was a cocktail hour at a restaurant between the park and the other restaurant where the reception was held. There was a trolly to the ceremony and restaurant #1…and a walk to the next destination. Not very far but my mother and the mother of the bride had a little trouble with it.
The location of the weekend was just lovely ( Newburyport, Ma )
When the festivities were over, they were faced with the fact that they were married, but didn’t really get along all that well.
I know that isn’t what most couples face , but I think they both felt like their ages, both approaching 30 was a ticking time bomb to get married.
I have no idea what statistics show for marriages that are successful or fail in terms of what kind of wedding they chose.
I think the times we live in have contributed to the extravagence and expense of the weddings , more so than a cultural influence.</p>
<p>I have been to WASPY , Irish Catholic, Italian, Jewish, shotgun, second time around and civil ceremony weddings through the years.</p>
<p>In my observation , the weddings of the last ten years or so are filled with an air of competition and one-upmanship.
My first wedding ( which did end in divorce ) was in the mid-eighties, held in a very nice beachside Inn on Cape Cod , where I grew up. It was a sit down dinner for about $16 a plate. It was a pretty typical wedding when compared to my peers. I certainly never thought about trying to upstage any other weddings I had been to.</p>
<p>Like I mentioned in one of my early posts on this thread, our business gets calls for wedding events , even though it is way out there for a wedding. I have had mother’s of the bride request the silliest things , that we want nothing to do with ( could literally destroy wedding dresses and other attire ) Some of those mothers have told me that they went to so ad so’s wedding and they did do and so…they need to take it to the next level. It shouldn’t be a competition IMO</p>
<p>Well, as odd as it may sound, watching my child and spouse to be plan the wedding, reception, etc., I’ve realized that doing so really is an experience in which you can learn a lot about each other and your families. That’s ESPECIALLY true when you come from different backgrounds.</p>
<p>And one part of it is how they relate to their parents. Some times, it’s good news. Some times, not so good. </p>
<p>I’ll admit–I think the couple should take account of other people’s feelings. using a silly example, the bride may love roses and want to use them. But if her father in law to be is extremely allergic to them, plans should change. And, if the bride were to refuse to change the flowers in that situation, I’d tell the groom to break the engagement. If the groom’s sister is obese and the bride to be thinks she shouldn’t be in the wedding party because she is…same advice. </p>
<p>Can you agree on the wedding ceremony? Do you need to have separate ceremonies to make two families happy? If the B&G are paying for the wedding, do they agree on how much should be spend? On what? </p>
<p>“think there is just too much attention paid to the wedding and not enough focus on the marriage for many newlyweds
There is no doubting the stats on divorce in this country , many of which were celebrated with extremely lavish receptions”</p>
<p>Actually the stats on divorce are often misreported as 50%, because in a given year there are typically half as many divorces as there are marriages, which leads people to conclude that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. But that’s the wrong denominator - the denominator is ALL marriages that existed in a given year (that could have ended in divorce), not the marriages that took place within that year. It’s like saying that 100 babies were born in Smallville in 2008 and 50 old people died in Smallville in 2008 so then the death rate in Smallville is 50%. The true divorce rate is more in the neighborhood of 14% - 16%.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl , my husband’s home country ( Sweden ) has one of the highest divorce rates in the world…odd because not that many people actually GET married there anymore.
Their culture has really changed in their values as far as marriage is concerned. There is no stigma attached to children born from a non marriage union, nor is there any denying benefits to domestic partners at all.
I think that he and his brother will be the last married family members.
Also, no one that we know over there attends church in any capacity…</p>
<p>This has been a fun thread to read through - so many wonderful stories…</p>
<p>My own wedding was held in the backyard of my now in laws. Minister from a local church officiated and the food was catered from a local favorite restaurant. My wife purchased her dress at an outlet store in San Francisco (Jessica Mclintock I think). After 24 years, still wouldn’t change a thing (other than we would honeymoon in Hawaii rather than Napa but that was just a bad choice at the time)</p>