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<p>That can be the case whether or not the wedding is expensive.</p>
<p>I see a lot of value in celebrating the union with one’s family and friends. I know our church requires some pretty intense counseling sessions before marriage. I guess I don’t consider our daughter’s wedding lavish, but it sure was exactly what she and we wanted. It wasn’t cheap, but we were glad to do it for her (and us) just as we were glad to put her through Rice.</p>
<p>“must be the dinosaur here… I can envision a back yard, intimate affair where the guest at my daughter’s weddings ( if I dare think of that at this point in time ) will have a nice time and memories will be sweet. I cannot fathom paying anywhere near $25,000 for it.
Am I alone in feeling that this is an enourmous waste of money ?”</p>
<p>Only if you can’t afford it.
I don’t know the grand total, but we probably spent close to $20,000 for our twins’ bar / bat mitzvah a few years ago. We only have the two of them, it was an important occasion for our family. We had about 100 people - roughly half young adults and the other half adults. The theme of the event was “Family” and each guest was assigned a table that was themed “Grandma N,” “Grandpa B,” “Grandmom G,” “Granddad A,” “Great-grandparents N & P,” etc. where the centerpiece consisted of flowers, balloons and a blown-up picture of the relative in question. For the kids’ tables, their theme were “Twin A,” “Baby Twin A,” “Twin B,” and “Baby Twin B”, plus for the smaller kids their table was themed with a picture of our family dog :-). We went all-out on a fabulous DJ who kept the kids entertained but also had great music for the adults, and we went all-out on a dessert room that we opened after the main dinner, that had a chocolate fountain, caramel fountain, cappucino bar, and all kinds of desserts. We are not drinkers, so we offered wine but no other alcohol. We had our family members and closest friends at a Shabbat dinner on Friday night, my IL’s hosted a brunch, we hosted the Saturday night party and then had bagels / brunch at our house on Sunday. We have great memories and pictures and I don’t regret a single penny we spent on it. </p>
<p>I also spent probably $1,000 on a 16th bday party for my kids this past summer in our backyard – nothing fancy in terms of food, just burgers and the like, but nice invitations, decorations and one of those bouncy-jumpy-things that was a huge hit, and I’m not sorry I spent that money either. We rented the bouncy-jumpy thing, a cotton candy maker, and then tables and chairs and had it in our backyard. </p>
<p>We are pretty frugal overall, but money on vacations and on special parties has always been money well spent, IMO.</p>
<p>I consider myself fortunate to be able to afford what some others cannot in terms of celebrations and vacation…and yes, even higher education.</p>
<p>I have even been told that my children’s graduation parties, which were held at our homes were too extravagent ( ex’s current wife )
Had many of you been a guest, I would venture to say no would would think it was extravagent in any way…fun, good food and company, yes</p>
<p>I consider myself to be frugal , especially in the last year or so.
Could I afford a big splash of a wedding ?
Maybe…
Will I splurge ?
No…
I would rather give the money spent on a lavish celebration as a down payment on a home.
This is just my own personal belief just as many of you would choose a state school over a private college education
I wouldn’t even consider getting a loan for a party</p>
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<p>While I don’t see the two as directly comparable, I agree with your main point. In one case etiquette makes the point that one should try to be considerate of one’s own guests, and avoid imposing or putting conditions on one’s hospitality. But while I would not make such a request of my own guests , if I were asked to bring a dish, I’d do it in the spirit in which the request was made if that is what a friend (who hadn’t read “the book”) asked of me. </p>
<p>And I agree, it’s rude to criticize on the basis of what a host can afford - in either direction. In my experience a wedding can be beautiful and tasteful regardless of the amount spent.</p>
<p>I am glad I have boys! Whats the protocol for the parent of the groom these days? My inlaws paid for the rehearsal dinner and flowers at my wedding. My parents did everything else.</p>
<p>I am actually more concerned with cost when my S ever gets married. I know my D won’t want an extravagant wedding, but who knows what will be the expectations of the woman S may marry (far, far into the future, I imagine). AFter reading some of the posts here, I see a lot of S parents getting caught into something they have no say over, but end up paying for so as not to make waves. Scary!</p>
<p>In some circles, the parents of the groom pay for rehearsal dinner, flowers, and photographer. And maybe one other thing I can’t recall.</p>
<p>I married off my D and have 3 boys left, so at some point I will be informed about all this!</p>
<p>Mom of WC, you had a real advantage in that your D actually got the spiritual side (gee, wonder why…) Way too many kids now just want the show. It’s been marketed to the extreme and they just think it’s what’s right. DeBeers didn’t advertise to our generation and we are happy with a modest ring. They start an ad campaign that says you ought to spend X dollars and people do…</p>
<p>mommusic, my inlaws offered to pay for one of those, but not all 3. My parents refused to take a dime and have no regrets.
Actually they offered band, or photographer, but not the flowers. Flowers can be very expensive!</p>
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<p>I’m not sure that there is a specific protocol these days when it comes to weddings. 
It will probably depend on the circumstances of what the bride and groom want, at what point they are in their careers (so what they can themselves contribute), and the financial position of both families. My H and I paid for everything for my D’s wedding because my SIL’s family was not in a position to contribute. We were happy to be able to do it. My D and her H did most of the work at planning and organizing (with the assistance of a wonderful wedding planner on the day of) but both families were consulted and kept advised as to details. It all worked out wonderfully. I think the key is open communication with the bride and groom, and both families, so that no one feels that they haven’t been included in the planning. There should be no surprises when it comes to who is paying for what. I have a friend whose D also was married last year and my friend and her H told their D right from the start how much they were willing to contribute. Anything more than that was going to be the responsibility of the bride and groom. The $$ discussion is one that should be done early in the planning!</p>
<p>alwaysamom, that’s very good advice, and very considerate of all parties involved too.</p>
<p>When we got married, everyone paid for the guests they invited–we paid for the guests we invited & my folks paid for the guests they invited & my in-laws paid for the guests they invited. We paid for everything else. It worked out OK; my in-laws & parents wanted to invite far more people than we did but were happy to be able to and fine with paying the bill as they wanted a fabulous 7-course Chinese dinner at a lovely resort. It worked out fine for our family. It was a huge reception because it was the only large party my in-laws had and my dad was (and is) fond of large parties. We were just happy they could have the guests they wanted & we could have those we wanted and everyone had a good time and no one had great hardship from the bills.</p>
<p>My H’s family is HUGE (his mother was 1 of 9 and father was 1 of 10) and he was the youngest of the youngest, so some of his cousins were my parents age and we were dealing with several generations of a large family. In contrast, my family is very small- you can practically fit it in the palm of your hand. So, since even with family friends in attendance, the percent of attendees was likely to be heavily loaded towards my H’s family, his parents offered to pay for both the rehearsal dinner (attended mostly by his relatives) and the flowers. They worked it out with my parents. It was all lovely.</p>
<p>My h and I then hosted our own reception at a restaurant for our friends and colleagues in our home town (no parental contribution to that event-- it was ours to host and pay for).</p>
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<p>I wouldn’t spend money I didn’t have on a wedding celebration or take out a loan. If I had to choose where to put money for my kids I’d choose a college education. However, not everyone has to make a choice. That being said, If the parents and kids are in agreement on the budget/type of wedding celebration and one wants to throw a great party, why not? I don’t see it as a sign of lunacy. People have different ways of celebrating and my family’s ideas may not be the same as yours. To each his own.</p>
<p>The groom’s family in our daughter’s case was the Hatfields and McCoys. That was the topic of an earlier thread last June. Basically, the dad wrote a check for the rehearsal dinner which my sister and I organized and orchestrated in my house/deck. I had to do something we could handle paying for if he pulled a power play and backed out. The mom paid for a most of the alcohol for that night (a good portion of which was consumed by groom’s sister and WildChild and his girlfriend). Groom’s dad didn’t pay for another thing and didn’t even give the couple a present. The mom was gracious and did as much as she could afford, including a generous contribution to the couple’s honeymoon.</p>
<p>As long as the hosts are paying of their own free will, and no one is going into debt, I don’t think paying for a wedding or other lifecycle ceremony is any different than any other type of discretionary spending. </p>
<p>Expectations do change over time. My in-laws were taken aback by how we had a weekend’s worth of meals for out of town guests when we hosted bat mitzvahs. Of course, back in the day, people didn’t generally come from out of town for a bat mitzvah, so there weren’t any expectations of wanting to entertain and see people who’d flown in for the weekend. Not that there were bat mitzvahs back then (only bar), and my in-laws didn’t give their own children any sort of religious education, let alone having a bar or bat mitzvah, but that’s beside the point. </p>
<p>Backyard weddings can get expensive, too. You notice the house is looking a little dowdy, so you decide to get new carpeting and new sofa. And do a little landscaping. And it goes from there. At least you can use the new furniture repeatedly, unlike the bridesmaids’ dresses.</p>
<p>“Expectations do change over time. My in-laws were taken aback by how we had a weekend’s worth of meals for out of town guests when we hosted bat mitzvahs. Of course, back in the day, people didn’t generally come from out of town for a bat mitzvah, so there weren’t any expectations of wanting to entertain and see people who’d flown in for the weekend.”</p>
<p>When my husband was of bar mitzvah age, his parents took the family to Israel and they held the ceremony there. Lots of people did that back then, and lots of people do that today. Sometimes the parents may pay for extended family members such as grandparents or aunts / uncles to come along, too. It can be very meaningful, of course, and we considered doing the same for our children but ultimately decided against it (though we did ultimately take a family trip to Israel, 1.5 years later).</p>
<p>A trip to Israel isn’t cheap and when we were there, we saw plenty of families who were there for the purposes of a child’s bar / bat mitzvah. Is that “better” or “worse” to spend what might turn out to be the same amount of money on a trip that only the family can enjoy versus celebrating with family / friends at home? It seems to me that there’s no right or wrong, just individual preferences.</p>
<p>"A tent in the backyard isn’t an option–we don’t have a backyard. It doesn’t take long to get to $25,000. "</p>
<p>I agree. That doesn’t even begin to describe a “blow-out” wedding, which would be maybe at the $100,000 and above level. Honestly, you can get to $25,000 pretty easily at just a moderate-nice hotel (Marriott, Sheraton, Hilton, Hyatt) and a nice but not over-the-top event.</p>
<p>^^^ Correct pizzagirl. Costs add up quickly. I don’t recall what our s’s bar mitzvah’s cost (it begins to feel like monopoly money after a while) but yes, paying for events from Friday evening dinner and the “oneg” after services Fri night which meand providing the refreshments for all who come to services, Saturday brunch and nighttime party and Sunday brubnch, it adds up pretty quickly. We re fortunate and it was our pleasure to host friends and family. </p>
<p>I dont think anyone was “criticizing” pot luck weddings. It is probably just a different cultural experience, and to those who aren’t familiar with it, it seem unusual. I have been to very modest weddings where just punch and cookies were served after the ceremony, and one in college where the couple really couldnt afford anything, so we all went out together afterwards. All different experiences.</p>
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<p>I think that people were able to draw a distinction between a) a friends/community-oriented wedding where friends and/or church members choose to get together to provide refreshments, which people think is very nice, and b) the idea that a B&G would invite a whole slew of people, many of whom were going to drive for hours, and inform them that they were expected to bring a dish, which is not so nice. (I’ve never heard of anyone doing that, actually.)</p>
<p>Personally, I would include a cash bar in (b). Very poor form. Serve what you can afford. Would you invite people to your home and ask them to pay for drinks? </p>
<p>One thing is certain: wedding customs differ wildly. I still remember when I saw The Godfather. I had no idea what they were doing with those envelopes at the wedding. I had never heard of people giving money as a wedding gift.</p>