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<p>At my SIL’s wedding, no one expected those from out-of-town to bring a dish. It wasn’t a situation where you had to bring a dish or you’d be turned away. From what I understood, there were women in her church who prepared ham/turkey so that most people were bringing foods that were essentially side dishes. She had a wedding cake and she provided all the drinks and I believe she paid for the ham/turkey.</p>
<p>awwwww, ReneeV. How sweet!</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing that video, MOWC. Your daughter is just beautiful and was so radiant! How sweet that the groom was choked up as she walked down the aisle (my hub cried at that point, too). The video will be such a wonderful memory!</p>
<p>Suggesting a widening of the topic:</p>
<p>Please tell us about weddings you have had, planned, attended that involved B and G from different backgrounds, religions, nationality, etc. I’m thinking about a Swede who married a 100% Native American. One of the most interesting weddings I have attended. I’ll try to recall the elements and post them.</p>
<p>As a young man, my H was an attendant in A big fat Greek wedding. He was a very good friend of the ultra-WASP groom. It was just like My Big Fat Greek Wedding - but more so!! It was CRAZY!!</p>
<p>Insider clergy tip about rehearsal dinners: at the so-called rehearsals, hardly anybody listens or remembers their cues. They’re just too excited! H expects to repeat every direction immediately before the actual wedding, on a need-to-know basis. He advises families not to worry about how much actual rehearsing does, or doesn’t occur at a “rehearsal dinner.”</p>
<p>Premarital counseling, whether by clergy or psychologist, can be very worthwhile. There, a couple can discuss the directionality of their life, including new definitions of in-law relationships for both partners. Even for the happiest of lovebirds, counseling can also troubleshoot small tension points in the early marriage (practicalities, money management…) before they become patterns, perhaps saving a few marriages down the road, who knows. I’ve come to think that even the wisest of parents can’t counsel their own children, since one of the key topics IS the parents. YMMV.</p>
<p>We went to the wedding of a Chinese-American grad student my husband works with. The bride had three outfits for the reception. The original wedding dress, a cheongsam silk brocade dress, and finally a lavender chiffon thing. They did every tacky western custom and then some. The food was a traditional banquet - with lots of dishes (like jellyfish) that I’d never had before.</p>
<p>One of my favorite weddings was a Quaker style wedding. We all sat in a circle and shared stories about the bride and groom, read poems or whatever people wanted to do. It was lovely.</p>
<p>As another parent with a child getting married this summer, I read this thread with interest. I seem to live in a diferent world than a few of you because I don’t find it at all hard to believe that the average cost of a wedding in the US is $25,000. I’m sure it’s a lot more here in New York! That wouldn’t be at all extravagant. Heck, I’m eligible for the reduced rental fee for registered parishioners who have belonged for a year–it would only cost me $1,000 for the church. Should I want music, I’m required to use the church’s organist and his minimum fee is $500. I hasten to add if there were financial difficulties, I’m sure the church would waive the fees. But that’s the standard minimum. A tent in the backyard isn’t an option–we don’t have a backyard. It doesn’t take long to get to $25,000. </p>
<p>And a $5,000 ring “some rock?” To get a ring for that amount of money in most of the US, you’d have to get something smaller than one carat–at least if you cared about quality. You don’t need a diamond at all, of course, but the rock you would get for $5,000 won’t be anything extraordinary. </p>
<p>And, most people appreciate save the date. Young people especially have limited vacation time. If you are getting married towards the end of the year, and do NOT send one out, some friends may already have used up all their vacation time or leave and be unable to come. When you have to make flight arrangements, book a hotel, figure out where and how to get a rental car, etc., it’s nice to know in advance. And my own kid did send the save the date via email to save postage and cost. Just mailing out 100 invitations with response cards is going to set you back about $120–assuming all the guests are in the US. Printed invitations average about $10 per invitation (with all the enclosures) around here. So, while we will be sending out traditional invitations, I have some sympathy for young people who say why not do it by email and save $1,000 to use towards some other part of the wedding? </p>
<p>It’s becoming increasingl-y common to invite everyone from out of town to the rehearsal dinner. If your family and friends are flying thousands of mile and spending hundreds of dollars to attend your wedding, I think inviting them to dinner is nice–especiailly for female guests who are traveling alone. Moreover, if you aren’t planning a lenghthy reception, it gives the bride and groom enough time to talk to all those who have made the trip. </p>
<p>Anyway, as others have said, it’s all about the spirit.</p>
<p>I have been wearing my 1/3 carat engagement ring for 27 years and I am just as married as I would be had it been 2 carats!!</p>
<p>I don’t intend that as criticism, just an observation that expectations seem to have increased for many things since “my time.”</p>
<p>I think kids have different expectations than we did because they probably lived their lives at a higher socioeconomic level than we did when we were growing up. That is the American dream after all–to provide a better life for our kids than we had.</p>
<p>(Still–$5000 for a ring, especially if you have to borrow for it, isn’t wise use of money.)</p>
<p>Oh, I think expectations for big rocks, fancy settings with all kinds of diamonds around the major rock were always there for some. My own mother traded her ring in for a larger one! That said, I have a ring with less than a carat on my hand and I have proudly worn it for 23 years. If one were to compare, mine is the smallest in size of all the living married women in our family. My grandmother never even had an engagement ring.</p>
<p>jonri–I too am not surprised that the average cost of a US wedding is $25K. I sometimes feel as if the vendors in this business charge much more than they would otherwise because simply they can. My future son-in-law emigrated to this country from Russia when he was 6; he and his mom want to have a Russian chef cater food for the rehearsal dinner. Because the chef isn’t local he’s required to have a special license or he can operate under the license of a local caterer. The rehearsal dinner is in a private venue that we’ve rented for the weekend. D called one caterer who said he’d sponsor the chef for $3000!!! She then called the town public health authorities and found out that a license cost $150.</p>
<p>I must be the dinosaur here… I can envision a back yard, intimate affair where the guest at my daughter’s weddings ( if I dare think of that at this point in time ) will have a nice time and memories will be sweet. I cannot fathom paying anywhere near $25,000 for it.</p>
<p>Am I alone in feeling that this is an enourmous waste of money ?</p>
<p>No, you are not. We run to home-made weddings in my family. I got married in my mom’s living room. We fit 60 people in the house, danced the night away, and had a great time. My dress came off a department store rack–just a pretty white dress, not a “wedding” dress. Don’t have a ring, except for the wedding ring (narrow gold band). I feel pretty married, though.</p>
<p>I’m sure my D if and when she marries will do something similar–probably the beach. </p>
<p>I guess there’s nothing wrong with all that fancy stuff if that’s what you want–we just don’t have the money nor the inclination.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine spending vast sums on a wedding, but I do understand how it ends up happening and I think the people who have them think it’s worth it. We were somewhere in between. About 100 guests, nice meal at the Caltech faculty club. Decorations consisted of flowers and balloons that we all blew up that morning. My dress was an antique, probably from the 1930s, I found by chance in one of my favorite second hand shops. We got married in a walled in garden/olive grove at Caltech. They charge us all of $50 for the space.</p>
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<p>It’s all in the eye of the beholder. I agree that people shouldn’t go into enormous debt to pay for a wedding. However, we spent more than that average cost mentioned earlier in the thread, for my D’s wedding last summer, and it was worth every penny. We could afford to spend what we did, so it wasn’t a waste of money for us to give our D the wedding she wanted. It was relatively small, by many peoples’ standards. She and her husband made up the guest list and filled the limited number possible, with family and friends who all meant something to each of them. These included the friends of my H and myself, all of whom had known my D since she was a child. With a small number of guests, the bride and groom truly had a lot of time to spend with each and every guest, which they loved. My H and I received several thank you cards and emails, and many phone calls, telling us what fun our guests had and how lovely the day was. </p>
<p>People can afford different amounts for most things in life, including weddings.</p>
<p>In HI, the weddings tend to be quite elaborate–large groups of people, full dinner, VERY expensive. It seems to be the norm around here & sometimes a reception in Hawaii as well as one in other area where the couple may have family. $25,000 is probably low for a HI wedding reception.</p>
<p>My wedding, although only 60 people in attendance, was fairly lavish. It was held at a Ritz Carlton, with very elaborate flowers,a great live orchestra, …etc. I didnt really have money, nor did I care for any of the frills. My parents could more than afford it and it was basically THEIR opportunity to spend and enjoy. I let my mom pick out everything from the dress to the invitations—she had excellent taste and I was just a goofy punk rocker living in Hollywood. We had a blast. I loved my mom for it, but I would have been just as happy with friends bringing over food to the local park as I had originally planned. The only thing she didnt buy was the ring. H and I both bought our little gold bands 25 years ago and he couldnt afford the engagement ring I wanted till we had been married for 10 years.
I now hope that A) my mom lives to see and pay for my D’s wedding or B) D cultivates the same low rent attitude I had when I married. After 4 years of college with no debt, Im all out of extra cash.</p>
<p>It’s true about the utility of any thing being in the eye of the beholder. Some would be more for spending gobs of $$ on college and not so much on a wedding. Others would rather choose to throw a lavish wedding and send their kids to a cheaper college. </p>
<p>In the end, both kids will have a spouse and a degree.</p>
<p>I haven’t spent gobs on my children’s college education, even though they are both enrolled in private instutions. When all is said and done they will have degrees that can not be taken away. ( such as a divorce can bring )</p>
<p>It will be a minimum of a four yr experience for them. I just find it a better investment than a one day event. I don’t mean to be a downer on those who have and plan to have such an elaborate event…</p>
<p>I would no more judge those who spent $25G and up than those who have a pot luck dinner. either could be considered " tacky " in the eye of the beholder.</p>
<p>I personally have been to weddings ranging from one extreme to the other.
The bottom line is none of them are more married than the other.</p>
<p>I think there is just too much attention paid to the wedding and not enough focus on the marriage for many newlyweds
There is no doubting the stats on divorce in this country , many of which were celebrated with extremely lavish receptions
But no one wants to think of that when planning such a milestone ,and I do get that …despite my cynical view</p>