What's going on with weddings today?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Absolutely not true according to any etiquette book. You only need to invite someone who is in a committed relationship (such as a fiance). And it’s not good etiquette to invite “XYZ and guest.” You’re supposed to find out the name of the person and put that person’s name on the envelope. </p>

<p>We hosted my IL’s wedding!! My IL’s were married in a big ceremony umpteen years ago and the marriage certificate was never filed so when MIL went to apply for a passport, there was no record of their marriage. For their 40th anniversary, we told them we were having a 40th anniv party but actually planned a wedding. We got the paperwork, got a rabbi, got MIL’s old wedding dress and put it on a dressmaker form in the foyer, got flowers and cake to resemble the pictures from their wedding, and clued in their friends and family, who got there early. When my IL’s arrived, we surprised them by telling them they’d finally be legal and led them to the living room where friends and family were already seated. Dh walked his mother down the aisle; my sisters-in-law and I were bridesmaids; and their grandchildren were flower girls / ring bearers. All in our living room! It was great fun and now they’re legal!</p>

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Aww, zoosermom, I’m blushing! :)</p>

<p>We did a lot of what aibarr and her dashing musician man did in terms of cutting costs. We wanted a reception at the science museum really badly, so we cut costs in other ways – I designed the programs in Photoshop and we printed them at the MIT campus printshop. My husband made the “groom’s cake” for the reception himself, and he designed the paper airplanes we had thrown at us instead of rice. We wanted really good photos, so we paid for a very good photographer instead of a photographer and videographer.</p>

<p>Our wedding was somewhat small by necessity, so we ended up having little celebrations in each of our hometowns after the wedding. My mom’s was in the lobby of the church I’ve attended since I was little and featured cookies and iced tea. My mother-in-law’s was in a hotel function room and was an actual second reception, complete with 75 guests, a cake, a DJ, and a bouquet of flowers for me to carry. I’ll let you guess which post-wedding celebration I found more enjoyable.</p>

<p>By the way, for anybody who lives in the Boston area, our wedding was included in The Knot Boston Magazine, in the issue that’s on shelves now. :slight_smile: One of the pictures they picked to feature was of the programs, which makes me proud – I totally made those programs myself!</p>

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<p>“The first one I went to I thought it was a bit odd but down here they are very common. In fact, get ready for a south Texas slice of life, the meat is often provided by friends of the couple via hunting, bar-b-que, etc. Then the rest of the spread is provided by close friends and family which is organized by someone close to the couple.”</p>

<p>Are there regional definitions of potluck? Because it seems to be one thing if a small group of friends / family band together and say “let’s help them out, you bring the salad, you make the cake.” That’s not potluck to me; that’s just helping out. Potluck to me is when EVERYONE is expected to bring something and the host is explicitly telling people what to bring. That seems tacky to me at a wedding. If you can’t afford to entertain in a certain style, well, then, don’t entertain in that style.</p>

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<p>Wow, northeastmom!</p>

<p>Re: "Because etiquette rules state that all single guests over the age of 18 should be invited “and guest.”</p>

<p>SlithyTove took the words right out of my mouth!! (This will probably cost me something eventually… :smiley: ) Weddings are fabulous places for unattached guests to meet others who are unattached, so why on earth would anyone seek to mess that up by inviting strangers to their weddings?!</p>

<p>I got married (second time) a couple of years ago. As with my first wedding, I handwrote the invitations (even on the same paper as with the first; I still had a box of it!!). We did have favors – small heart-shaped bottles of maple syrup! H lived in NY (state) for 30 years, hence the NY maple syrup. (Roses are red, violets are purple, sugar is sweet, and so is maple syrple.) As the kids attending were all teenagers or nearly so, I asked four of the most energetic of them, offspring of two of my oldest friends, to usher. </p>

<p>Actually, the ceremony with friends and reception and all was a sham! :slight_smile: About two days after the invitations were mailed, H’s dad told us that he and H’s mom would not be able to travel for the wedding. This had been a concern of ours for months, as his mother was becoming increasing frail. (We had offered to have the wedding where his parents live, so they could attend. No! No! They would drive up!) So about 10 days before our previously-scheduled ceremony, S, now-H, and I flew to the area in which his parents had retired and got married there by his dad (a retired minister) in his parents’ church. It was just his folks, S, H, and me. His dad had hoped to marry us outside in some beautiful spot, but it was raining; we were happy, however, to be married in their church. It was a quick ceremony, followed by dinner for the five of us.</p>

<p>(H’s mom died nine months later; our next visit to that church was for her memorial service.)</p>

<p>(Got home from our real, quickie-Tennessee-wedding, and the next morning, the police called to tell me they’d found my stolen car; it had been parked in front of my house for the four days we were gone, was there when we returned, but was stolen the night we got back.)</p>

<p>Because H’s parents couldn’t come up for the previously-scheduled-ceremony-which-became-our-sham-wedding, we had to find a minister, or someone, to say something in front of the assembled… well, not masses, but the 50 or 60 people who were coming, pretty quickly, as his dad had been on board to be our officiant. I was hoping to have a virtual friend who was ordained by the Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic ([Welcome</a> to The Universal Church Triumphant of the Apathetic Agnostic](<a href=“http://uctaa.net/]Welcome”>http://uctaa.net/)) officiate, but H nixed that idea (darn it). So we found a mainstream minister instead; she was great. </p>

<p>Had the wedding in Flagship State U’s chapel, and the reception in an historic building on the grounds of Flagship State U (walked down the hill from the chapel to the reception site; the rehearsal dinner for my first wedding was in this same building. Yes, the recycled bride recycled parts of her first wedding for her second! Not, however, the groom.). Music was provided by H (a composer), his brother (a composer), another composer friend, and a singer friend. The mom of two of our ushers made my bouquet, as she’d done for my first wedding. </p>

<p>The food, catered by Flagship State U, was fabulous, and we ate leftovers for a week. I’ll post the menu when I find it; it will be no surprise to anyone who knows me here that the one thing I spent money on for the wedding was the food!!</p>

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<p>Pizzagirl, that’s great!!</p>

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<p>Lots of great wedding stories here. Thanks for sharing them.</p>

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<p>NSM is right. Unless the friends are, as a group, volunteering to host a wedding for a couple, asking invited guests to bring food to a wedding goes against any guide to etiquette. A host should serve whatever is in the budget, even if it’s just cake and sandwiches or desserts and punch.</p>

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<p>All right, what’s a groom’s cake?</p>

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<p>My favorite wedding moment is at a Navy wedding when the bride and groom walk beneath the arch of swords and when they get to the end the bride gets a whack on the rear with the last sword and the Best Man says, “Welcome to the Navy Ma’am!”</p>

<p>The bride’s expression is always priceless!</p>

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<p>“Steel Magnolias” is my favorite example of a groom’s cake. They’re usually funny or satirical. In the movie, the groom’s cake is a gray cake in the shape of an armadillo with red velvet cake in the middle. The bride (Julia Roberts) and her mother (Sally Field) have an in-depth conversation about “Hackin’ into a cake that looks like it’s bleedin’ ta death.”</p>

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<p>The most “unusual” part of a recent wedding we attended was when they had a pinata resembling–wait for it–the BRIDE! I was quite shocked! The grandfather of the bride & all her friends took turns whacking it. I found it disturbing on many levels. The people I mentioned it to were also disturbed about it, as were those folks on our table.</p>

<p>Went to a destination wedding that was the most lavish I had ever attended, fully catered at a 5-star resort on Maui. They had a cocktail party outdoors (it was very windy & things (napkins, food, etc.) were blowing away left and right), followed by a luau. The next day was the wedding followed by a dinner reception and Sunday morning brunch. It was an amazing event–both families & the young couple had a lot of assets and it was a very happy event.</p>

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<p>When I was married- we paid for our wedding ( we were in our early 20’s).
We didn’t have a rehearsal dinner-
In the same time period- my H’s sisters had big weddings and receptions ( I wasn’t invited)
My sister had a big wedding- had our grandmother pay for an expensive wedding dress and alterations and didn’t even wear it!
( she is LDS- they apparently wear something else during the ceremony)
Our family isn’t Mormon so we just saw the reception- at which she wore her wedding dress- LOL</p>

<p>One of my sister in laws, had a house warming ( for their 2nd house) at which a money tree was prominently featured- I had never heard of it before.</p>

<p>I don’t think manners have changed- but fewer people seem to know what they are.</p>

<p>A friend of my D’s was recently married- I believe they had a civil ceremony in the town where they lived. They then had a ceremony in her hometown in teh US, which my D attended-( and some of his family) they also had another ceremony in his hometown in India ( which my D wasn’t able to attend)
I imagine that sort of thing is becoming more common rather than a resort wedding and expect others to make your wedding their vacation.
;)</p>

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<p>Oh goody, my favorite topic. I made my dress from a Vogue pattern, but today my D thinks it’s too pouffy and S’s find it too Oedipal to consider marrying a woman wearing it; so I suppose it’ll stay boxed for yet another generation. We had 3 klezmer musicians from what is today the great New England Conservatory Klezmer Band. My MIL baked 1,000 cookies and drove them to my Mom’s house to augment the backyard reception. A favorite gift was my percussionist BIL who composed a drum piece for us, played at the reception, with 2 separate themes that intertwined in the middle of the piece and ended together. Funniest comment: standing for photos, a BIL whispered to my H, “She looks pretty good. You should throw in a few more goats.” (that’s dowry talk, but not serious).</p>

<p>Recently I was flying in NYC. On the bus shuttle, I sat next to a university student from India, who just looked upset. He said the airlines had lost his luggage during his layover, and he was preparing what to say to them at the terminal. I reassured him that, in general, luggage finds its owners eventually, adding, “it’s only a big problem at weddings; for example, traveling with clothes for the weekend.” I couldn’t have spoken worse. He said, “But I am the groom! I’m flying back to India to be married. My clothing and every gift for my bride’s family is in those suitcases.” I wished him success at the terminal, which he appreciated, adding that someday this would be the story he’d laugh about most from his wedding, which he didn’t believe.</p>

<p>Favorite collection of short stories from my H’s career as clergy: the bride who had her bird collection lining the aisles, and when she came in by horseback the birds all started singing; the time he handed a wine cup to a bride who drank it so fast nobody had time to first lift her face-veil; signaling a groom that his bride was having a “wardrobe mishap” (Janet Jackson-like) so he’d rescue her before turning around to the crowd. Me? I love weddings but wear earplugs to receptions because of excessive band volume.</p>

<p>Now S-1’s planning to be married next year. If H can conduct that ceremony with dry eyes, I’ll be very surprised.</p>

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<p>I’ve never heard that all single guests over 18 should be invited ‘+ guest’! We’re getting married in June in a pretty small venue, so I guess it wouldn’t be any option for us anyway, as it would mean we’d have to cut half our families out!</p>

<p>I really dislike the idea of pot-luck receptions - I don’t think it’s right to invite someone for a meal and tell them to bring their own food! I knew a couple who had a tiny budget and couldn’t afford to provide a meal, so they had a champagne and strawberries reception in the bride’s garden. It was lovely. I think if you can’t afford to provide food, don’t - but don’t ask people to bring their own! </p>

<p>Fiance and I decided right at the outset to have a small, quiet wedding - we’re not having a band at the reception, one of fiance’s best friends is an <em>incredibly</em> talented pianist and he’s going to be providing the music. We’re having one of my old professors (who I am very close to) do the photography. I think when we first got engaged my mum was picturing some kind of massive extravaganza, but thankfully she’s come round now! </p>

<p>My cousin once got invited to the wedding of someone he didn’t even know. Turned out it was a distant friend of his older brother, and they had invited practically everyone they’d ever heard of - had a total guest list of 300, and hadn’t actually met most of them!</p>

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<p>Just to add about pot-luck receptions - I think family and friends offering to cater the event is a wonderful, loving thing to do. But being told by the couple to do it… that feels like a shake down.</p>

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<p>For me a wedding should be personal. Some weddings I’ve been to have all the frills, but no “soul”. Know what I mean? As if the couple had picked up cues from corporate functions along the way and used what they saw there for their wedding. The best weddings for me are when I know more about the couple after the wedding than I did before. Lots of toasts, friendly families, lots of mingling.</p>

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<p>"Because etiquette rules state that all single guests over the age of 18 should be invited “and guest”. "</p>

<p>Actually, that’s not true.</p>

<p>I don’t understand why people feel they need to drag to a wedding someone who doesn’t even know the wedding couple or doesn’t know them well enough to get their own invitation.</p>

<p>A wedding is not a date: It’s a religious ceremony or a rite of passage that people are doing with friends and family.</p>

<p>Weddings also can be wonderful places to meet people.</p>

<p>Because my husband spends summers out of town working, I have gone to weddings by myself including some in which I knew only a few people. I always had a nice time. If I were too shy to have gone by myself, I either would have declined the invitation or would have gone only to the wedding itself.</p>

<p>I can think of few things that would be more boring than to go to the wedding festivities of someone I didn’t know. I don’t know why anyone would accept such an invitation.</p>

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<p>I’m with you Northstarmom. Having people there who no nothing about the wedding couple dilutes the spirit of it, IMHO. I was single until my mid-30’s and went to countless weddings by myself… They are GREAT opportunities to meet new people.</p>

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<p>Well, it can’t be only me who thinks the “and guest” is a requirement. Every wedding invitation my kids have received addressed to them since they were adults have included the “and guest”. As was the one my husband just received!!!</p>

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<p>Did anyone ever have unexpected guests show up at a wedding ? I did at my first wedding , as well as people that left ( because they had found a new religeon and there was alcohol served at our reception )
One of he nicest weddings I ever went to was one tha was put together in a hurry. It was small , very intimate and had the best food I had ever had at a wedding.
The guests truly mingled , even though most didn’t know each other.</p>