What's it mean when someone is rude about things that they don't know about???

Parent Cafe
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<p>What does it mean when someone is emphatic about things that they don’t know about (and is rude about their declarations)??? This can be in regards to what’s going to happen in the future, a rule/law that he knows nothing about, a sick person’s possible diagnosis,…virtually anything…past, present, future. It can involve just everyday discussion.</p>

<p>Earlier this month, we spent a few days with my SIL and BIL and the one thing that was so apparent (and was apparent on many earlier occasions) was BIL’s frequent tendency to state things as fact without any basis or prior knowledge at all. He doesn’t even preface his words with statements like: “I think this …”…or “This has been my experience, although YMMV…” or “Possibly…” or “if I were to guess…” or “This is just my opinion…” NO, he states everything as firm facts as if he has some kind of omnipotent power/knowledge…even when they concern things in the future or other people’s future choices/behaviors (which obviously he has no control over or knowledge about.). </p>

<p>When we casually mentioned that we didn’t know what day of the week our son’s first day of class would be at his new grad school (Monday, Wednesday, ???), BIL emphatically stated that it would be a Wednesday. Yes, our children’s undergrads do start on a Wednesday, but since this particular grad school is new to all of us, none of us had any “real” knowledge without looking it up. (Our son wasn’t there to provide the date.) When I said that I would look it up, BIL acted insulted that I just didn’t take his (uninformed) word that the first day would be on a Wednesday. As it proved to be, son’s first day of class is NOT on a Wednesday. </p>

<p>When a family friend recently died (suddenly), BIL immediately declared firmly that the guy committed suicide by overdose. BIL wouldn’t even let us discuss that the death could be from another cause. No, he declared that he KNEW and that he would be proved right after the autopsy. The coroner confirmed that guy didn’t commit suicide (no drugs at all)…he had a brain aneurysm that burst!!! No comment/apology from the BIL. </p>

<p>It did get ugly when the subject came up about whether another SIL’s family would be attending the Labor Day BBQ at a distant cousin’s home. The subject of who would be there came up and I casually mentioned that I got the feeling from this other SIL, that her family would not be attending. This BIL then went nutty…insisting that this other family would certainly be going. I just repeated what my experience had been (seeing the other SIL open the invite, mention having other plans, barely knowing this distant relative, and throwing the invite aside. Well, BIL got ugly and stated that I was very wrong and that other family would be attending the BBQ. Later, when that other SIL did say that she wasn’t going to the BBQ, this BIL yelled at her - as if she, a grown adult, doesn’t have the right to make such decisions. She simply stated what I had stated…her family already had plans and she barely knows this distant cousin. In reality, BIL was probably really just angry that he was so wrong. This BIL does know this distant cousin quite well because of professional connections. He wasn’t able to “process” that this other SIL’s lack of a close connection would mean that she wouldn’t feel the need to attend the BBQ that he felt.)</p>

<p>The funniest thing was when he loudly declared that his laptop was broken. When H and I offered to look at it, he rudely repeated that it was broken and that we wouldn’t know more about the situation than he does. Well, (since I can be a big ole brat), I went over to the laptop and saw that the cord connection at the transformer had become loose so he had lost all his power after his battery wore down. I pushed the cord back in and just smiled. Again, no comment from the BIL…and no lesson learned.</p>

<p>It seems to be a “memory-less system”. You’d think that after being proved wrong, he’d apologize for his vehemence (yes, vehemence) about his prior statements and LEARN not to be so positive in the future about things that he’s not sure about. You’d think he’d learn to insert some “saving face” comments into his statements, like I mentioned in the second paragraph."</p>

<p>What is this weird habit/flaw? Is this all about having a low self-esteem? Is it just nasty arrogance? Is it something more pathological? If so, what? Do people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder behave this way? (That’s what another relative suggested privately to us based on stuff he’s experiences with this BIL. This relative mentioned something about this BILs constant “wishful thinking” about things and obsession with his looks/aging.) </p>

<p>I know it drives my SIL and their kids nuts, and it sure drove us nuts the few days we were with them. I told my H that we can’t stay with them again. Too stressful. Too weird!!!</p>

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<p>If this is a relatively recent behavior change, a medical evaluation is in order.</p>

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<p>These are stressful times. People have been losing jobs and houses, struggling, experiencing discomfort. Maybe BIL wants there to be some certainty or something which he can control. Or maybe flexibility isn’t his strong suit.</p>

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<p>I have thought about this board so many times when encountering weird or annoying behaviors of extended members of my acquaintance or family. There are some behavior traits that just seem to get more and more pronounced as people get older.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t call your BIL rude, so much as bossy, aggressive and misguided. I’m sure he’s hard to ignore, but that would be my advice.</p>

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<p>DH suffers from a milder case of the same affliction, but at least he can joke about it. He says he is “occasionally wrong, but never in doubt” ;)</p>

<p>Don’t mean to make light of your situation, OP. It does sound like a personality or mental health issue. I can’t imagine being married to him.</p>

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<p>There are some people who can just NEVER be wrong, and they will never remember it when they ARE shown to be wrong. Best just to avoid them. They’ll never change, cause the whole house of cards that their ego is based on will then come crashing down upon them .</p>

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<p>Probably a low self esteem problem. You probably spend too little time around him for it to be worthwhile to try and change his behavior around you. So grin and bear it and move on in the conversation. Just not worth it.</p>

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<p>Why do you feel the need to prove him wrong? Just overlook the behavior.</p>

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<p>No, this is not a new behavior. </p>

<p>We (our immediate family) doesn’t get exposed to it much because we don’t live nearby. </p>

<p>*You probably spend too little time around him for it to be worthwhile to try and change his behavior around you. So grin and bear it and move on in the conversation. Just not worth it. *</p>

<p>Oh, I know that we can’t change BIL’s behavior. I was just wondering what this was. I know that one of my sis’ H’s has this issue in a very mild form (never mean/rude), but he does always state things as facts when he really doesn’t know…which can make it hard to know whether to take his word about various things or not…you don’t know if he’s guessing or if he really knows. </p>

<p>I just find/found this more extreme behavior rather odd and almost pathological (altho I’m no expert about pathologies…just a gut feel that something very odd is going on under the surface mentally or something.). </p>

<p>*There are some people who can just NEVER be wrong, and they will never remember it when they ARE shown to be wrong. Best just to avoid them. They’ll never change, cause the whole house of cards that their ego is based on will then come crashing down upon them . *</p>

<p>Ok…this is why the one relative suggested that BIL has NPD. BIL ends up “hating” those who are “on to him”. I guess there was once a confrontation between a couple of the guys in the family (including this BIL) and BIL was firmly shown to very wrong, and now BIL hates/hates/hates these guys… I don’t know much about NPD, so I can’t comment on that. </p>

<p>I really feel for my SIL and the kids. She’s a great gal, but I can see that one of the kids is being affected by this (probably all 4 kids are affected, but I’m not able to pick up on the more subtle negative affects…just the more “in your face” ones.)</p>

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<p>IMO this kind of behavior is rooted in insecurity. Such people must ALWAYS be right; their self-esteem and self-image depends on it. In their mind, being wrong means being flawed, and being open to ridicule, which is like death to them. Admitting that one might be wrong, or changing one’s mind, or even just ackowledging that others might have a different viewpoint – all of that makes them feel vulnerable in a way they just can’t tolerate.</p>

<p>The best way to handle this is to not engage. Logic will not sway them. Arraying facts will not sway them. Their own past experience will not sway them. You will never change your BIL. If you want to keep peace in the family, the best thing is just to smile and walk away (or just walk away, but without making a fuss).</p>

<p>And that is the absolute fact, so don’t argue with me. :)</p>

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<p>LasMa…I agree that insecurity is likely at the basis of this. However, in the extreme, it seems much more serious than that…like some kind of borderline personality or NPD or something ( I’m just blowing smoke here…I have no idea about such disorders.)</p>

<p>What I find difficult with this behavior (even in the milder forms like with my sis’s H) is that you never know when to take these people’s declarations as fact or not…and that can cause other problems…some serious, some not so serious. And, they don’t like it when you’re leery of their words and you feel that you have to check so as to not waste your time/money.</p>

<p>For instance…such a person may declare…“I know that store is open on Sunday”, but you have your doubts based on other legit reasons and you’re rather certain that the person really doesn’t know. If you just blindly take their word and waste time to go there and find the store closed, that’s annoying to you…waste of time and gasoline. If you call/check ahead of time, that annoys that person because you’re not “trusting” their words. Ugh.</p>

<p>*Why do you feel the need to prove him wrong? Just overlook the behavior. *</p>

<p>Normally, I don’t. This has gone on for years…but since we don’t see him on a daily/weekly basis, it’s been easier to overlook. But, after a few days of this while in his home, I did “feel the need” in regards to the laptop. lol It was probably immature on my part, but frankly, he had been annoying all of us for a few days, and I enjoyed providing a silent smile for all the observers in the situation. lol</p>

<p>But, seriously, this most recent visit has just made me wonder if something more serious is going on. H and I have discussed this a few times and can’t seem to figure it out.</p>

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<p>I’m not a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on TV, but this sounds like something far beyond a mere eccentricity to me. It sounds like a disorder.</p>

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<p>*but this sounds like something far beyond a mere eccentricity to me. It sounds like a disorder. *</p>

<p>That’s what H and I are thinking, hence this thread. We’re kind of hoping that someone here knows more. I do have a sister who’s a therapist, and she voiced a guess/opinion, but she has never treated this person nor has she seen him since our wedding 26 years ago…lol.</p>

<p>Again, I know we’ve all experienced this kind of behavior in its milder form, but this “absolute” business stated in a rude (don’t question me!!!) manner is just beyond the pale. And, the fact that there’s never any learning from the behavior is just weird…a memory-less system.</p>

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<p>m2ck, in the end, it sadly doesn’t matter if you can figure it out or not. This is a problem that he and his wife have to deal with, if they choose to, and my guess is they won’t. They probably also won’t appreciate advice about whether or not it’s a disorder or medical problem. Getting help means admitting something is wrong, and I think we agree that that’s one thing he just isn’t very good at. And unless I miss my guess, his wife isn’t going to contradict him and insist he get evaluated. Unfortunately, you’re probably stuck with this.</p>

<p>All you can really do is to try to minimize the effect of his behavior on you and yours. Avoid being at the same gathering when you can, and when you can’t, avoid being in the same room as much as possible. As far as relying what he says – just assume he’s wrong and get more reliable information elsewhere (e.g., look up the store hours online rather than taking his word for it). And if you see him winding up, maybe a light comment and deft change of subject can prevent some problems. Probably not all of them, though. :(</p>

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<p>They probably also won’t appreciate advice about whether or not it’s a disorder or medical problem.</p>

<p>I totally agree. My intention wasn’t to tell them anything. I don’t think saying anything would be productive…it might be counter-productive because I have no idea if saying anything might result in some retribution towards wife, my H, or me.</p>

<p>My curiosity is just personal. Sometimes when I see odd/weird things I just am curious as to what it’s all about.</p>

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<p>Um, I was under the impression that eccentricity was invariably related to a disorder. (Eccentricity does mean behavior that can’t be explained using logic or societal norms, doesn’t it?)</p>

<p>We have extended family members who exhibit the types of behaviors noted by the OP. Fortunately the behaviors are milder. Discussion is fruitless IMHO.</p>

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<p>I know… and I know that you like to help with problems whenever you possibly can. You’re a good SIL, whether he knows it or not. One of these days, one or both of them may need need emotional support or assistance of some kind, and I know that you’ll be right there.</p>

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<p>I guess when I meet people like this, I feel sorry for them. Imagine how trapped in their own little world they must be, to be so rigid and uncompromising and always on cue to be right about everything.</p>

<p>If it’s someone I’d have to deal with on a regular basis, I’d remove myself from the situation as much as possible and set some serious boundaries. Doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis is (unless he’s seeking help and needs one), it just sucks for everyone who has to deal with him.</p>

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<p>Try giving him this for Christmas: [Amazon.com:</a> Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error (9780061176050): Kathryn Schulz: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Being-Wrong-Adventures-Margin-Error/dp/0061176052/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313957904&sr=1-1]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Being-Wrong-Adventures-Margin-Error/dp/0061176052/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1313957904&sr=1-1) It’s got some great things to say about the human mindset and why it’s so hard for us to imagine that we might NOT be right.</p>

<p>I think narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by many extreme behaviors. With your BIL, maybe it’s just that he’s one of those people who doesn’t use exclamation points? :wink: (Or emoticons)</p>

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I experience it daily on CC, and I am sure most of them think they are perfectly normal.</p>