<p>*I’m reading this thread and feeling just terrible for the SIL and their kids. How can they live with this man, and why didn’t she leave him years ago? *</p>
<p>The SIL is a very mild-mannered lady and is the type not to argue (similar to my MIL). Most of us gals would have “run for the hills” a long time ago. </p>
<p>*Elements of his behavior sound like NPD. His need to be right and the know-it-all (whether he has any real knowledge base or not) could be the narcissist’s plea for attention and admiration.</p>
<p>Next time he comes out with one of his authoritative, uninformed statements, try this – act impressed. Admire his superior knowledge. Don’t challenge him, and don’t prove him wrong. You will be making an enemy of him, and he will avoid you (which may be the outcome you want, but it sounds like you have to periodically interact with him).
*</p>
<p>I think that’s why he has managed to stay with his wife. She never challenges him with anything. I know that she’s a “get along” kind of person. I can totally see that he would quickly “hate” anyone who he knew was “on to him”. I actually had a college boyfriend who was kind of like that. Once I learned that some of his “stories” were outright lies (no elements of truth whatsoever), he turned on me …which was fine since who wants an outrageous liar as a boyfriend. However, at the time, I just thought it was odd that he was angry at ME for learning the truth and not the least bit sorry for having told the outrageous lies… (his own family members were the ones who innocently outed the truth.)</p>
<p>*
Narcissists are hooked on “supply” – they need an admiring fan base. That is the use you have for him. He needs to surround himself with people who see him as a superior being.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>I can see that. That totally makes sense. I also thought it was odd when over the years he would occasionally mention that he is the “family favorite”. I don’t know his family that well, but what I’ve seen it doesn’t seem like his family “plays favorites” and there doesn’t seem to be an indication that he’s the favorite…but he seems to enjoy believing that and saying so on occasion. I guess it makes him feel “admired.” lol</p>
<p>He does LOVE compliments and “fishes” for them when around others. And, he’s very vain for a guy…most guys don’t give a rats patootie about some crows feet or some graying at the temples…this guy does. Or, and he lies about his age…I’ve never seen a guy do that before…Actually, I really don’t know women who do that either.</p>
<p>*
With the “memory-less” aspect, it could also be NPD – they are never wrong, and they never acknowledge the consequences of their actions. **Sort of like a toddler who only exists in the present, but the narcissist never grows up. **
*</p>
<p>Ahhh…that explains the “memory-less system”…couldn’t wrap my head around that. Lives in the present like a toddler who says…“I hate you mommy”…because, at that moment, the child hates mommy.<br>
<p>And they have zero empathy. So if your feelings are hurt by something the narcissist says or does, your feelings don’t matter – because to the narcissist, they don’t exist. *</p>
<p>Ahhh…makes sense. He certainly doesn’t show any empathy after he’s been rude, and then finds out that his declarations were wrong. </p>
<p>I do think it may be NPD… much of the above is very true. </p>
<p>I remember, years ago, when visiting their hometown we all ran into an old classmate of BIL’s. The classmate actually said, “Are you still Mr. Perfect?” And he turned to the rest of us and asked, “What’s it like being with the smartest person in the world?” At the time, it didn’t register, but maybe that old classmate was giving a left-handed compliment and a “dig”??? BIL took it all as compliments, but maybe the friend was “sending a message”?</p>
<p>Well, at least now this all is making more sense. I’m now interested in learning more about NPD. I don’t know if that’s the same as being a narcissist or not.</p>
<p>*Even therapists have a very hard time diagnosing personality disorders. *</p>
<p>I can see that. there seems to be a lot of overlap…and no clear tests.</p>
<p>I know my sister has told me that she finds it hard to tell some clients what their disorder is (once diagnosed) because she knows that they’ll “bolt” after hearing it. Someone with- say - NPD - isn’t going to likely accept the diagnosis…especially if they’ve spent a lifetime thinking they’re perfect and the rest of the world is just plain “wrong.” lol</p>
<p>The whole “schema” thing sounds very interesting. I’m going to read that link. Thanks!</p>
<p>Well, I was curious about all of this and now I think I understand. Thanks.</p>