<p>Well I THINK it might be Narcissistic Personality disorder. I did a search on the internet and the symptoms fit your description of your BIL. I can’t be sure of course, since i am no a therapist and have never met him (notice I hedge my opinions carefully here :))</p>
<p>I would post links but i don’t know how many of the sites I visited are reputable.</p>
<p>I don’t think my relative fits this description exactly. In his case it’s almost like a very, very profound rigidity. For example, we were together the other day and he was saying that he wished he had brought his ipod. I offered to put my music on from my phone for all of us to listen to. The reply was “NO, I can’t listen to somebody else’s music!” I assured him that some of my music would be to his liking. “No!” I put it on anyway. Ten minutes later he was singing along.</p>
<p>Is this related to the one-upsmanship disorder? The person who will also have/have done something better, bigger, longer, faster, more expensive than anyone else. Only he just jumps to the end. This is the way it is! Kind of reminds me of teenagers who will make stuff up to impress their friends even though it can’t possibly be true. Kind of reminds me of the “Morgan Fairchild” skits on SNL.</p>
<p>Not a disorder, but I had a friend who swore up and down she was visiting the town in Canada where Queen (then princess) Elizabeth had spent WWII. Now I “knew” that, although there was discussion of the princesses being sent to Canada, the Queen had a very famous quote like “The girls won’t go without me, I won’t leave the King, and the King won’t leave his people.” I couldn’t remember the quote, but my friend was adamant. I started out being adamant, too, but recognized that I might have been mistaken and it wasn’t worth arguing about. I did check and I was right. But I’ll never bring that subject up again.</p>
<p>Of course, when I refer to “the same guys” it doesn’t include Performersmom because she is trying to be logical and she is a woman, but I don’t think they are going to listen to her.</p>
<p>I’m reading this thread and feeling just terrible for the SIL and their kids. How can they live with this man, and why didn’t she leave him years ago?</p>
<p>Elements of his behavior sound like NPD. His need to be right and the know-it-all (whether he has any real knowledge base or not) could be the narcissist’s plea for attention and admiration. </p>
<p>Next time he comes out with one of his authoritative, uninformed statements, try this – act impressed. Admire his superior knowledge. Don’t challenge him, and don’t prove him wrong. You will be making an enemy of him, and he will avoid you (which may be the outcome you want, but it sounds like you have to periodically interact with him).</p>
<p>Narcissists are hooked on “supply” – they need an admiring fan base. That is the use you have for him. He needs to surround himself with people who see him as a superior being.</p>
<p>With the “memory-less” aspect, it could also be NPD – they are never wrong, and they never acknowledge the consequences of their actions. Sort of like a toddler who only exists in the present, but the narcissist never grows up. And they have zero empathy. So if your feelings are hurt by something the narcissist says or does, your feelings don’t matter – because to the narcissist, they don’t exist. </p>
<p>If your goal is to understand his perplexing behavior, you might want to read Sam Vaknin. He’s helped me a lot.</p>
<p>I understand the need or wish to be able to understand why people behave the way they do. I have spent a fair amount of time trying to do just that with several family members. After years of cognitive behavioral therapy I finally figured out what drives people to behave in certain ways. People develop what are called ‘schemas’ in early childhood. There are about 15-20 of them. They come about from the way a person was treated in childhood. For example, many people have what is called the ‘defectiveness’ schema - whereby they believe that they are internally flawed and if others see those flaws they will be rejected. This can stem from an overly critical or controlling parent, being socially rejected by one’s peers or a myriad of other things. Some people with this schema will try to overcompensate for it by doing things like always insisting they’re right, trying to always be perfect or they may surrender to it by screwing up their whole lives to prove they are, indeed, flawed. Still others just go to great lengths to avoid situations where they might fail or they might always to try please others in order to be accepted.</p>
<p>It’s very complicated, particularly because a lot of people have several schemas at once. IMHO, most people have some type of schema going on, only the degree in which it manifests itself varies and you can’t always tell by casual acquaintance what people’s issues are. To give you an example, a person who puts a lot of time and effort into staying thin, may just be trying to be healthy or they actually have a bunch of self perception issues going on. They could have experienced social rejection in childhood and now feel defective and have an excess need to be attractive, so they go to great lengths to make sure they are thin and attractive (explains why a lot of celebrities go overboard with the cosmetic surgery because they feel unattractive on the inside and no matter what they do to their bodies, they never feel good enough). At one end of the spectrum is the person who is slightly obsessive about exercising, on the other end you have people who are anorexic or bulimic. Another example would be a person who avoids social interactions. Sometimes it could just be the person is an introvert with a low need for social interactions but sometimes it can mean a person is avoiding others because their fear of rejection is so high.</p>
<p>My point is it’s really hard to tell. Even therapists have a very hard time diagnosing personality disorders. Just know that the reason your BIL is like this has more to do with him and how he perceives himself than you. Try to think of him as a little kid who is hurt and is trying to puff himself up in front of others so they will like him. Of course, we all know his behavior has the opposite effect but that is basically what he’s looking for - your respect and admiration. My guess would be the more he yearns for someone’s respect the more he acts this way.</p>
<p>And Givings is absolutely correct. Your best response is to say “You might be right.” </p>
<p>I have some relatives like this. Don’t say, “You may be right.” That will annoy them because it still suggests you doubt them. Don’t say anything, especially if it doesn’t really matter.</p>
<p>I don’t know if you’re male or female, Hunt, but picking on or excluding the skinny chick is a popular sport. It gets old when you happen to be the skinny chick.</p>
<p>No, I’m serious. I can’t say, “You might be right” to some of my relatives, because they respond, “I know I’m right, blah blah blah.” You might get away with “You’re probably right,” but even that won’t work with some of them.</p>
<p>Oops, Deborah T–I think you intended to be mad at MomLive, and not me, but I think she even noted in her longer post that some people who put an effort into trying to be thin are just trying to be healthy. There was no reason to take offense.</p>
<p>Hunt, try making friends as the skinny chick. Try a lifetime of it. Try walking down the street, smiling, open, and seeing the woman’s eyes narrow as she passes you, ticked off. It makes you sad. It also makes you a little bit harder when you frequently extend warmth to have it received by coldness. Pretend you’re me, just for a moment, and read your post. See if it wouldn’t have bothered you. Thanks.</p>
<p>Deborah T - I am truly sorry. I can see your point and you are right. It is just as easy to feel picked on when you’re skinny as when you’re overweight ( and I have been on both sides - when you’re too skinny, people often do feel they have a right to constantly comment on your weight and what you eat, probably more so than they do with overweight people). I wasn’t trying to pick on the skinny girl, I was just trying to illustrate that you never really know why people are the way they are both in appearance and behavior. I happened to use this as an example because I have several women in my class who are struggling with eating disorders and I also have several acquaintances who are. If you met them on the street they look so fit and attractive, you would think they have it all together but in reality, they don’t. In other words, people are so complicated that it is very hard to know the motive behind their behavior. I will definitely refrain from using weight as an example in the future, I realize now that it can be hurtful to others. Thank you for your feedback.</p>