What's wrong with people?

Parent Cafe
1

This week my daughter participated in a holiday tournament with her high school sports team. The team is not very good. d. They have some moments where they get their act together and play well, sometimes individually and sometimes as a team, but that’s not the norm, so losing is a frequent outcome.

So last night, the team lost again. Their performance was worse than usual, but the loss was not surprising and the girls accepted it pretty gracefully. What usually happens after a game is that the parents stand around while waiting for the girls to get dressed and come out of the locker room. We usually commiserate with each other and say stuff like “Boy, that was a rough game!”, or “The refs were terrible, but they tried hard.” And then we just make small talk for a while.

Last night, as I was leaving the gym, I had to throw away a couple of water bottles. The mother of one of the players was standing by the door next to the trashcan, so I gave her the standard “What a game!” comment - kind of just to acknowledge her presence as I passed by. With hindsight being 20/20 I guess I should have just said “Have a nice evening!” - but anyway…

Her response to me was “I don’t want to talk about it.” Since I didn’t see anything unusual that happened during the game involving her daughter, I just thought she didn’t mean it literally - that she was being hyperbolic. But in any case, I didn’t say anything further, but I put my hand on her shoulder in a kind of “I hear ya” gesture, and then she proceeded to shrug off my hand forcefully, and then she spit out, “DON’T DO THAT! I SAID I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” After I got over my shock, I just told her “Sorry!” and walked off, but I couldn’t believe what had just happened.

I think her reaction was way out of line and rude. I’ve wracked my brain trying to find some explanation. To answer some questions before they’re asked:

  • Her daughter's playing time? - Nope, she played almost the whole game.
  • Her daughter's performance? - Well, she didn't play her best, but that could be said for the whole team. I've never talked to her after a game before so maybe getting upset with her daughter is her usual behavior. If it is, I really feel for the daughter as none of these girls are going to be top athletes so they don't deserve to be pressured. They usually do try hard and have good attitudes.
  • Did she have some problem with our daughter? - I don't think so, her daughter and mine were yukking it up after the game, so I didn't see any kind of resentment or problem between them,
  • Could there have been college coaches there watching? Yes, maybe - there are a couple of DI prospects in the tournament, but definitely none on our team. I'd eat my hat if there were any coaches looking at anyone on our team. -Does she dislike me? - I've had a couple of conversations with her at recent games and she was friendly, but last year she was standoffish as our girls were competing for playing time. This year, they're not, so she has been friendlier - until this incident.

All I can come up with is just that she felt it was OK to be extremely rude to someone just because she decided to be irrationally mad about something. I know getting mad about stupid stuff is a normal thing with parents and sports (I admit I’ve done it), but I don’t think taking it out on another parent (who was just trying to be friendly) is normal.

This has just been eating at me since last night. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but I hate how people treat each other these days. It’s as if no one has any sense of personal responsibility to be a decent human being. Do you all encounter this type of random meanness? How do you react? My daughter is just halfway through her season, and we’re going to be seeing this mom for several more games. I know that I’m sure not going to talk to her again - jeesh, who would after being treated like that? I’m just wondering if any of you would have been appalled at the behavior like me?

2

I wasn’t there, I didn’t see/hear what you saw/heard…but it is also possible that this had nothing to do with the game as such. We never really know what’s going on in other people’s lives; she might be dealing with another stressful life situation and you are seeing spillover.

3

Not to excuse her explosive reaction, just to offer one possibility - maybe she simply does not like to be touched.

4

I agree. Sounds like this has nothing to do with you. Try to give her a break and shrug off her behavior. The hand on the shoulder gesture doesn’t always come across well, even though that was your intention.

5

I would have yelled at you too, if you had touched me like that. I don’t like people putting their hands on me.

I don’t yell at people on CC because nobody can touch me through the computer.

6

There are a million things that could be going on with her. She might be in a bad mood. She might’ve had a rough day at work. She might’ve had a fight with her spouse or her kid. She did warn you.

That said, I’m not someone who usually likes to be touched except when I’m in a bad mood. Then it’s something that triggers my anger.

I’d let it go. It probably has nothing to do with you specifically.

7

Agree with other posters. Don’t dwell on it. I sincerely doubt it was personal. It’s not like she came up to you and went off out of the blue. You spoke to, approached her. She was in a bad mood for whatever reason and didn’t want to converse.

If I was in a foul mood and someone who wasn’t a best friend or family member put there hand on me, I wouldn’t be too happy either. Don’t invade my personal space.

8

I have no idea what her issue was, but I wouldn’t like being the recipient of that outburst either. Personally, I’d never speak to her again. She obviously doesn’t like to be touched, but it wasn’t as if you grabbed her. Her response was very rude indeed.

9

Fixing typo to make this make sense: I’m not someone who usually MINDS being touched except when grumpy.

10

Well, OK. But that incident and these comments make me kind of sad. I really was just trying to be friendly and kind.

Yes, she did warn me, and I listened to her - I think that’s probably why I opted to instead just touch her as I left, because I’m really not a touchy person. I didn’t think about what I did - I think it was just an instinctive reaction: I go up to someone and greet them, they don’t want to talk, so I need to leave, but I feel weird just turning my back and going away because usually you say something when you end a conversation, no matter how short it is - so my brain told me to say a non-verbal goodbye in the form of a brief touch.

That obviously didn’t work out well.

11

IMO, she was over the top. Say away from her until she realizes she owes you an apology.

And that might never happen.

12

I figured that’s what you meant romani. I guess I do better with written communication.

13

I don’t understand why the only behavior you seem to be examining is hers. You need to take ownership of your own contribution to the exchange. She told you she didn’t want to discuss the game. Why would you assign a different meaning to the words of someone you don’t know instead of taking them at face value? Why do you think it was okay to touch her? Personal responsibility includes not invading the personal space of others, especially those who’ve indicated they aren’t in the mood to talk. Meaning well is no excuse.

14

It’s her problem. She had a headful of steam about something, and I really doubt that something was you. Sounds like she was off by the trash can by herself stewing on something. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and caught some backlash from her. Not excusing her behavior - it was wrong - but I could also see how it could happen if someone is having a crappy day and they have a bit of a temper. I just wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I was you.

My advice is to let it roll off your back and and out of sympathy forgive and forget. I don’t write off people for one incident unless it was intentionally malicious or caused injury. The way you describe this, I don’t think it was.

15

You just happen to be a warm compassionate person.

Other people respond “differently”.

16

I would find it very weird if someone touched me during a conversational exchange such as you describe. I can’t even visualize what sort of touch from a casual acquaintance would mean “I hear ya.” I’m pretty sure I would recoil.

17

You tried to be nice. Bad mood or not, she could have attempted to be halfway civil in return. She chose not to be. Maybe she doesn’t like to be touched. You said sorry. She didn’t. Maybe she will. I’d give her a chance to. If not, her problem. She probably would have yelled at Mother Teresa in that moment.

18

There are a lot of crazies out there - that’s the way I would look at it.

19

Maybe she has a mental health issue that you aren’t aware of because you don’t know her well. I’d try not to dwell on it too much.

20

I don’t like being touched and would probably have shrugged your arm away and said something like “Excuse me.”

However, I think that she may have had other stuff going on that put her in a foul mood before you even approached her.

If she was someone I just greeted casually before this, I would continue the same way. Unless she approached me, I wouldn’t talk to her more than that.