Some people take their kid’s sports teams way too seriously. I’d move on and avoid her as much as possible.
And going forward I agree that it is probably best to avoid physical contact no matter how innocuous and well meaning it may be.
I’m fine being touched. You could put a hand on my shoulder. Seems like a comforting gesture.
I think it’s her. @LeastComplicated . Hopefully she is not weird the next time you see her. Give her large personal space.
Kids sports tend to bring out the worst in people. Even people who are otherwise pretty easygoing can act like nuts in that context. I’d just chalk it up to that and try to steer clear of her.
@LeastComplicated, I’m sorry this happened to you. I’ve been the recipient of an irrational outburst a couple of times too. It’s very clear you were just trying to be kind and, whether or not a person prefers not to be touched, her response was totally out of line. I’m guessing, as others have said, she was in a bad space and you ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other than a smile and a hello, I’d steer clear. Not the kind of person or energy you need in your life. While it can be hard, I would try very hard to not personalize it.
You said the group of parents usually chat in the hall after the game. She 1) removed herself from that by standing off to the side, and then 2) told you she didn’t want to discuss the game, and then 3) you touched her.
I don’t criticize refs, so if the other parents want to do that, I’d walk away too. If I’m grumpy, I don’t want to impose that on other people.
I completely agree with this, it is perfect advice. You don’t need to have anything to do with a person like that. Not worth your time. You were trying to be kind and she couldn’t control herself. I can’t imagine any time in my life, after any event, that I would treat someone as poorly. There is something wrong with her or a traumatic event happening. I would steer clear until she apologizes. If she doesn’t, just stay away.
What’s wrong with people? They’re human and, by nature, flawed. Sometimes I find myself thinking it’s just everyone else, and that there’s nothing wrong with me (as in the old Firesign Theater line, “I never lie and I’m always right”) but then, on rare occasion, I realize that I, too, am imperfect. Clearly evolution has a way to go before the kinks are out of the system.
As my grandfather used to say, you are not going to be christening your kids with the help of that woman - meaning, you have nothing to lose by avoiding her and not trying to second-guess yourself.
I have a daughter who used to play competitive squash, and she would beat herself up over losses, especially when her opponent came from behind to win. No matter what I said in the first 20 minutes after a loss -supportive, encouraging, sympathetic, whatever-she would get angry and give me something like an, “I don’t want to hear it!” response. I learned that all I had to do was wait out the 20 minutes before approaching her and she could be gracious and sanguine. Before that I think she still had too much adrenaline running through her system to deal with her own feelings, let alone interact with someone else. Perhaps this is what was going on with this other mom.
I don’t think I’ll be talking to her anymore. I’m definitely not putting myself in that situation again.
I’ve been thinking about the touching thing and I think I was wrong when I said I’m not a “touchy” person. At least during sports events. When sitting in the bleachers with the other parents, it’s not at all uncommon for someone to put their hand on a person’s shoulder who is sitting below them to get their attention to talk to them about something. At my daughter’s games, there’s hardly anyone there who isn’t a parent (because it’s a girl’s team and they’re not very good) so we tend to all sit in the same area. When I had one of the recent pleasant conversations with this woman, she and her family were sitting below us. I most likely put my hand on her shoulder to initiate that conversation. I’m 100% sure I didn’t bend down and say “Hey you” (I don’t even know her first name). She didn’t have any problem with me touching her then and was very friendly. So I don’t think this was about me touching her.
Even so, before I posted this thread, I honestly didn’t know that so many people did not liked to be touched. Now I know and will try to act accordingly.
When I posted, I guess I was wanting to hear if this type of thing was common (not the touching, but her reaction). I mean, we all deal with rude drivers every day and read awful comments on social media sites (and sometimes on CC). I’ve had a couple of pretty terrible workplace interactions, and had to deal with a few less than stellar neighbors, but this incident was different because I’ve never been spoken to before so venomously. But aside from @collage1 and @BunsenBurner 's grandfather (what a great saying!), no one has mentioned a similar experience, which is a good thing.
Thank you all for your supportive advice and kind words. I will take it to heart and try not let it bother me. I’m going to another game tomorrow so we’ll see how it goes.
Perhaps reframing this as stressed instead of rude would be helpful. Think about how you may have reacted in the past when you were already upset and one of your kids started pestering you about something inconsequential. I’m not trying to imply you were pestering her, but if you can remember that “Ugh, just leave me ALONE!” feeling in your body it might be easier to understand where she was coming from. I agree she owes you an apology but you may want to be the bigger person and apologize first. For instance, “I’m sorry I touched you the other day after the game. I didn’t mean to upset you.” I would be very surprised if it didn’t result in a return apology. If not, I’d steer clear of her in the future. Some people are just wound too tight.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I think it was very brave of you.
I would wait and see if she makes an effort to be pleasant tomorrow.
I agree that it no doubt has nothing to do with you. That said her behavior was out of line,
not yours.
I had a friend who hung out with me and others when we all lived in the grad dorm. One time when she was going through a very rough time I gave her a hug and she got very upset and I apologized. Later she apologized as well.
When people are stressed, their reactions as just stronger and sometimes it causes hurt feelings.
Let it roll off…the woman was having a bad day. Either she apologizes or she doesn’t, that will tell you whether she is worth your time in the future.
Imo, the mistake would be to dwell on this (or over dwell.) Certainly, one incident after a tough game isn’t reason to shut a person out, write her off, or “never” speak to her again. You want some balanced reaction. That is, if you want to be the better person.
Nothing wrong with a slight touch. It can convey understanding. No, not everyone wants some other person to invade their misery. But I’ve always felt that how you react later or going forward is pretty telling about you. Continue to smile and greet, if that’s part of the parent scene. Leave this one incident behind.
I tell D2 often when she is upset with someone, “It is not always about you.” When someone is rude or inconsiderate it may not have anything to do with her or is directed at her.
D1 also learned this at a management training program, “is there something you could have done to change the situation? Is not, then you need to move on.” I think they do not want their leaders to waste time dwelling on issues they couldn’t do anything about. I think it applies to our personal lives(she has said it to me a few times)
Move on.
OP - You did nothing wrong. I sometimes find myself unconsciously touching people when talking to them (not often) but it’s just a touch on the arm or something when I’m making an emphatic point. I think you just reached out, out of compassion. She was obviously upset. And I agree with others she was likely upset about something TOTALLY unrelated to you and/or your daughter. My D had been part of a team that had 3 years of losing seasons, and that gets OLD. Perhaps she was frustrated w/ the team/scene overall. Or maybe her mom just got diagnosed with cancer. You may never know. But you do need to let it go and move on. Perhaps she’ll find you and apologize (I would if I had that strong a reaction to an acquaintance) but even if she doesn’t, I’d just try to forget about it. Nothing you did!
I agree her outburst probably had almost nothing to do with you. Having finally reached an age things like this don’t usually impact me personally, and because of being a very touchy/huggy person and realizing it is sometimes disturbing to others, if this happened to me… I would catch her alone, when she seemed calm, and make a very brief apology for not leaving her be when she said she didn’t want to talk about it. That apology would be mainly for myself. since I would feel I had distressed her for no particular reason, even if the distress was unwarranted and her reaction over the the top. I would not engage with her beyond that briefest of apologies, but would feel I had behaved correctly even if she had not, and that is the only thing that really matters to me at this point in my life. It may be this is absolutly wrong advice, because she would want me to just stay away from her.
I would try not to beat myself up about touching her since my actions were well meaning. I struggle all the time with not hugging and touching folks I don’t know very well. Thankfully people seem to make a lot of generous allowances for me instead of telling me what they really think about it.
Could be that the reactor is just a high strung jerk.
It could also be that she is frustrated with a team that is unprepared to compete with other teams, which is usually because the coach is unremarkable (or worse). A steady diet of demonstrated inferiority or unpreparedness will fray the nerves of any parent whose child is a participant.
At the risk of seeming unsympathetic… putting your hand on her shoulder in an “i hear ya” gesture is dangerously close to (and easily perceived as) a “you poor thing” gesture. Parents who want the best for their kids often are absolutely furious that their kids have to endure inferior performances when they see that other teams somehow avoid that position. And even for those who have become resigned to the situation, some games are tougher to watch than others. In athletics, losing rips up personalities and creates more than enough blame to go around several times.
I think I’d not attempt to flush out the specifics here, and prefer to leave bad enough alone.
" A steady diet of demonstrated inferiority or unpreparedness will fray the nerves of any parent whose child is a participant."
Especially when it is sucking up a lot of resources in terms of time and money, both of which are in limited supply for most.