I agree that it was not an assault. At most, it was a clash of preferences - a touchy person vs. a person who doesn’t want to be touched. It was compounded by the fact that the other person was apparently in a foul mood to begin with.
re #99. She didn’t full out yell, it was more like a raised voice, but the volume wasn’t what startled and upset me. It was the look on her face - I could try to describe it in words, but I know I’d fail to come up with suitable words that would allow you all understand (and I’m pretty sure a lot of you don’t understand). I googled “angry face” and seriously, most of the pictures were of a cold glare, but that wasn’t her facial expression at all.
If I did something wrong, I feel the punishment should have fit the crime. IMO it did not. And I’m not speaking to the assumption here that the woman was upset and took her anger out on me. I’m speaking to the opinion that this is “a normal way a (normal non-agitated) person would react when they are subjected to an unpleasant experience.”
@Consolation Yes, I remember that thread very well, and I agree wholeheartedly. I felt badly for you.
“The other woman could very well be on the computer with her friends telling her side. “I can’t believe this mother at basketball. She cheers for everyone at the top of her voice and acts like we are the best team in the league. I didn’t want to talk about the game so I removed myself to the exit, as far away as I could without leaving the gym and still waiting for my child to come out of the locker room. I TOLD her I didn’t want to talk about it and then she assaulted me! She touched me after I said I didn’t want to talk about it. I gritted my teeth and stated firmly, ‘don’t touch me. I DON’t want to talk about it!’ and then she gave me the death stare. I didn’t shout or slap her hand, just stated that I didn’t want to talk about it. Twice.””
That’s a real stretch, but kudos to you for your creative thinking. But I really don’t appreciate the suggestion that I was lying or exaggerating about what happened.
As to your definition of assault: I think in this case, I was the person more in “reasonable apprehension of an imminent harmful or offensive contact” than she was. Her response was about 100 times more aggressive than mine. I sure didn’t give her a death stare, I just got out of there as fast as I could.
And this:
“She cheers for everyone at the top of her voice and acts like we are the best team in the league.”
… is just an example of why I’m not posting any new discussions. Someone comments that I need to show my support for this woman’s daughter when I’m attending games. I state that, yes I do show support for all the girls, even this woman’s daughter. And I do, because I feel they get shortchanged - the gym is empty until the last quarter of the game, and then lots of people start showing up for the upcoming boys game. But they don’t cheer for the girls (even during a couple of recent nail biter games). The girls leave the court. Then the boys run onto the court to loud applause and great fanfare.
But now for admitting that I cheer for my daughters team, which most people would consider a very positive thing, I get accused of being obnoxious and loud and just plain weird or embarrassing.
I don’t know why you’re determined to make me look like an idiot/criminal by purposely misinterpreting everything I said. I just don’t get it at all.
@lookingforward She was standing by the exit of the gym, not the building. There was a large lobby/cafeteria area right outside the door she was standing by.
I absolutely hate being touched. Only people I let touch me are immediate family. I also do not like being touched by cats or dogs. And yes, the animals always love me. I have houses of friends that I don’t go in because I hate their animals being all over me.
That said, I would not have reacted in this way to the touch described here. I would most likely stiffen up and possibly back away if necessary, but that is it. I’ve learned/been socialized to accept some level of unwelcome (to me) touch. This is not something I like about myself, but I do know myself.
Different kinds of touch send different messages, and those messages can change depending on the context and the people involved. A pat on the head would mean “Silly girl” to me. I would laugh if patted by my husband, brother, or one of my kids. If an adult patted me on the head after I’d said something dumb at a cocktail party I’d be severely irritated.
A pat on the butt from one football player to another on the field wouldn’t be unusual. That same pat to my behind at the office? Totally out of bounds. At a cocktail party? Depends who’s doing the patting. My husband-fine. My best friend-weird but still okay. My husband’s business partner, Harvey Weinstein, a woman I met five minutes ago-no, no, no!
My point is that trying to generalize from liking to be touched in general to this hand on the shoulder in the particular may not work. I’m a very huggy person and I have close relatives from both one cheek and two cheek kissing cultures but I don’t think I would have liked this touch either. In my experience the OP’s move would signal, “poor, poor you” and I would experience it as a bit of a power move unless the other person were a very close friend. Unless I’m in clear and extreme distress (e.g., just got the news a close relative died) I don’t want some acquaintance feeling sorry for me.
I’m not saying the OP deserved to be yelled at but had she listened to the other woman’s words she might have anticipated a negative reaction to her action. After all, the woman essentially asked to be left alone and in the OP’s own words, " I just thought she didn’t mean it literally."
Hugs to you @LeastComplicated. You seem like a really nice person. I read CC all the time, but I rarely post…for this very reason. I learned my lesson a couple of months ago when I started a thread. Wow. Sometimes I think people just like to argue, to make sure that they get their two cents in. Don’t take any of this personally. Happy New Year.
@Sue22 I am from a touchy culture in a touchy place. How I would interpret a brief shoulder touch was.
“I heard you when you asked me not to speak to you. I respect that but need to take leave of you without being rude.” That is a comforting friend taking leave of you gesture for touch centric people.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: This thread has run its course, so I am closing it.