As I mentioned before, I don’t like being touched. Apropos of @gearmom’s post, I am of Russian extraction (one of the cultures she mentioned as being not touchy). I said before that I would said “Excuse me” if I were the woman at the end of the exchange, but that would have been because I was in a bad mood. Otherwise, I would probably just have said nothing. After thinking about it, I realize now that I do often “suck it up” when I am with friends. I go out to dinner once a month or so with female friends and they all hug and kiss when we meet. It made me uncomfortable but since I was the only one who seemed bothered by it, I submitted. I now intentionally arrive after they have been seated so I can dispense with the kissy kissy routine without seeming rude. When H and I go somewhere, I let him walk in first so he can get the hugs and kisses, which he craves, and I can just slide in.
I am likely on the “bristlier” side of things as far as touchiness goes. I detest massage, refused PT after foot surgery because I wasn’t allowed to wear socks, I can’t even stand getting a manicure and the thought of chiropractic just unnerves me. I worked really hard when I had kids to hug and kiss them so they would grow up not bothered by it and it has worked. Only middle son has inherited my aversion to being touched. Seeing him has made me realize that there may be a genetic component, though neither of us has a sensitivity, just an aversion.
OP meant well. The other parent was trying her best to hold it together in public and cracked when pushed. There doesn’t have to be a “bad guy” here, it was a bad interaction.
Well, count me among those who had no idea that so many people really hate being touched! This thread has been illuminating.
I’ll join the chorus of those who said that this was not personal, but that clearly the woman was just barely holding it together for some reason. (I must say, though, that if she didn’t want to talk to anyone at all she should not have planted herself next to the exit.)
On the apology thing, I would NOT apologize to her! The last thing you should do is initiate any personal contact with her. I’d just be civil and keep my distance. If she wants to apologize to you, I’d accept it with a simple “thank you” and NOT initiate any further discussion of the matter. If she wants to explain why she blew up at you in a way that doesn’t put the blame on you, fine. Otherwise, the conversation is done.
@LeastComplicated , I well remember the excoriation I received when I asked whether I should consider discussing my great-nephew’s behavior with my niece. The conclusions about our relationship and my motivation that some people jumped to were astonishing.
This is my interpretation as well. The underlying question seems to be is it okay to touch people you don’t really know if you mean well. It surprises me that so many say yes, and that those of us who don’t like it should just “suck it up.” There seems to be no understanding of the difference between a slight touch of an arm to get someone’s attention in the bleachers and the more intimate expression of putting your hand on someone’s shoulder in an attempt to express compassion. I’m baffled by the assumption that not appreciating the touch of people we don’t know well means we don’t like touch at all.
I’m not trying to upset OP. This actually has very little to do with her. Some people are reserved. If we’re expected to moderate our behavior to offer a weak smile, Miss Manner’s style, to every intrusion of our personal space, than the touchy/feely people of the world should be expected to do the same. If you could do it without the assumption that there’s something wrong with us for having a different preference, so much the better.
We have OP’s side of the story. The other woman could very well be on the computer with her friends telling her side. “I can’t believe this mother at basketball. She cheers for everyone at the top of her voice and acts like we are the best team in the league. I didn’t want to talk about the game so I removed myself to the exit, as far away as I could without leaving the gym and still waiting for my child to come out of the locker room. I TOLD her I didn’t want to talk about it and then she assaulted me! She touched me after I said I didn’t want to talk about it. I gritted my teeth and stated firmly, ‘don’t touch me. I DON’t want to talk about it!’ and then she gave me the death stare. I didn’t shout or slap her hand, just stated that I didn’t want to talk about it. Twice.”
Two sides to the story. People have a right to stand quietly without being accused of being psychotic or having a mental illness. She stood off away from the group. It may be that she doesn’t like the group of parents. Doesn’t make her mentally ill, doesn’t mean she’s just broken up with her husband, doesn’t mean her mother just died. She just didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want to be touched.
I have separated myself from the other parents after games. Yep, I didn’t like some of them socially and I didn’t want to say nice things about them or their kids, so I just stepped away while waiting for my kid. I wasn’t having a bad day or a breakdown, just waiting quietly. And don’t touch me.
It is likely that people could sense your hostility and stayed away from you, if that is how you felt about them. I would hope you wouldn’t yell at them if they did dare to attempt conversation, but if you did…yes, there is something wrong with you, and you should really consider getting help. Living with such hostility and disgust for other people is not healthy.
To answer the second part of the question, I can not stand being touched by dogs. I want to vomit when I see someone letting a dog kiss them or lick their face. We have had dogs for 17 years. The only one I ever touched was our little Maltese and then only rarely. My H trained all of our dogs to avoid me, except the Maltese. We have one friend that has a dog that likes to come near people and they put him away when I visit. Once, I was at a party and another guest brought a dog in and that dog kept following me around and touching me. I finally asked the owner to please keep the dog away from me and she rudely said “He’s a THERAPY dog!” as if that made it better. The host was the person who puts their dog away when I visit and she intervened and told the other person to curb her dog away from me. To this day, that woman glares at me whenever I see her. I also once had someone complain about me when I was an election inspector and she brought a dog in. It was NOT a therapy dog and I asked her to please take it outside from where people were voting. The election board sided with me. We have dogs so that my children would not grow up with the same aversion to them that I have. My mom had to get rabies shots at age 5 and was terrified of dogs; she raised me to hate them. It’s great progress that I can live in a home that has them.
OTOH, I love cats. I often pet my cat and she sits on the couch with me and sleeps at my feet if I nap there.
So there is NO ONE you don’t like? You want to talk to every one of the parents on the team, or after the play, or at the store? Good for you. I’m not that friendly but i’m not hostile.
There was one parent on our team who treated his 16 year old like she was 3. He CARRIED her to the car. She whined (“Daddy, I’m so tired, Daddy my feet hurt”), so he complied. I had nothing nice to say so just stayed away from them. I didn’t feel I was hostile, I just did’t want to watch this, game after game, and he was always standing in the middle of the parent’s group because, of course, his kid was so important (in his dreams). If he would have said something to me on the way out, I probably would have given the fake smile or just said nothing but what I wanted to say was ‘Put her down!’. He couldn’t have touched me because he was carrying a 150 pound kid and her equipment.
I can’t actually think of anyone that I didn’t like. It’s not as if I wanted to go on an extended vacation with everyone, but nobody that I would want to ignore or certainly nobody that I’d be rude to. There are some sports parents that are over the top competitive, but that didn’t mean I didn’t like them, we just wouldn’t get into the competition trap with them. The reaction that the OP got for reaching out to someone is the same visceral reaction that I would give to someone who is trying to abduct my child, or steal my wallet.
That sounds like an unhealthy relationship with that 16 year old girl and her father. It’s going to be hard for any husband or boyfriend to deal with that in the future.
This to me is the response of a person who thinks your problem is that you are afraid of dogs who wants to reassure you that this dog is certified safe. For some people that would work.
Your reasonable response would be to explain that you are sorry but you have a phobia. I have a friend whose H is terrified of dogs because of a traumatic war experience in his youth. All dogs. If he came to our house, I would close my golden retriever, the least threatening of dogs, in the bedroom.
I do find it a bit odd that she would bring her dog to someone else’s house without asking. If that were the case, your host would likely have asked her not to, knowing that you would be there.
I have a strong phobia to snakes. I can barely type the word. If someone were walking around with one as a pet, I would have to immediately leave the premises, unless they could lock it up in an escape-proof container, and even then I would never go to their house again. I know that it is irrational, and like you, I would not be comforted by being informed that it wasn’t poisonous. That makes absolutely no difference to me.
My mother has a cat phobia. She can’t stand to have them touch her. Naturally, they make a beeline for her!
You are a stronger person than I: no way in hell could I share my house with one of the aforementioned creatures!
The therapy dog was a golden retriever. I assume that the woman brought her dog because she knows the hostess is a dog lover and that neither she nor the hostess thought about me and my phobia. I got the impression that she had visited with her dog before. I would have been ok had the dog not kept following me around and sticking its snout against my legs. If it had stayed on the other side of the room, I could have avoided it. I actually found her comment condescending. If I wanted to be cured of my phobia, I would seek therapy. It’s just easier to avoid dogs and spend my money on things I actually care about.
I understand about snakes. I don’t like them, either. My son kept one for a few months for a friend and I didn’t set foot in his room. I sent H in every day to check that there was a giant rock on top of the aquarium so it couldn’t escape. Finally, I made my son give it to someone else.
@Consolation, a guy I dated for a couple of years had an obsession with snakes. Through the years I dated him, he and his roommates got a python and kept several other harmless varieties in cages in their house. But then he became interested in exotic ones that were deadly poisonous ones. He had two gaboon vipers he kept in a cage in his room. I started becoming terrified that he would be bitten (I’d already lost the first love of my life in a terrible car accident after dating for 6 years) or that they would get out and attack us. I started having dreams that one would get out, chase me, and bite me in the back (because of course I was running away). I finally put my foot down and said I wasn’t coming over anymore if they were going to be there. He relented and sold them (yes,there is a market for poisonous snakes), but he never lost his interest. He was a really sweet guy, but I’m glad I met my DH eventually and broke up with him, because this would have become a huge issue if we’d married and had kids. I wonder if the woman he ended up marrying allowed them in their home. I know they have children in their house, so maybe he ended up concluding on his own that it would be foolish to keep poisonous animals in his house.
Sorry the hijack!
OP, I can’t add anything really helpful except to say that I wouldn’t be approaching that lady in the near future either. She may have had reason to feel uncomfortable, as clearly we all have different feelings about being touched, but I find her reaction to be over the top as well.
I don’t think anyone should suck it up…which is a rather dismissive attitude. I wasnt thinking that was said. Maybe the more sensitive see it in that binary way, an “either/or.”
But nor do I think OP started freaking WWIII.
But I do think an awful lot is being read into this tale. Fine, some of you never want to be touched. That does not mean OP assaulted her. It just doesn’t.
Now, btw, if my nose had been out of joint over something, and I needed to walk outside, and this is recent… you can bet I would stand by the exit. You know how cold it’s been here? Like, you want me to stroll the parking lot? Lofl.
Yes, but that wording is followed by, “…carried out by a threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm.” Is that what sime think LC was doing? Threatening?
I don’t think we even know if the touch is what caused the outburst. Or if it seemed OP was going to purse a conversation, which the woman thought was invasive.
