<p>Marite:
That <em>was</em> a suggestion for a real-life spouse. Been there, done that. But I’m glad you reminded me. Just 6 more weeks to go for me. Or is it 7? Or… (goes hunting frantically for marriage certificate)</p>
<p>I have a few Q’s for those with office spouses …
(those who don’t have one are also free to answer…)</p>
<p>How would you feel if your spouse had an office spouse?</p>
<p>What if your spouse’s office spouse was very attractive?</p>
<p>What if the office spouse was not involved in a good relationship of his/her own?</p>
<p>What if you thought/sensed that the office spouse was attracted to your spouse? (Men are often clueless or in denial that a woman is attracted to them.)</p>
<p>Would you want your spouse to stop the relationship? If so, what if your spouse refused to?</p>
<p>Would any of this matter to you?</p>
<p>My husband works out of our house so technically I am the office spouse now. However I have dealt with an “office spouse” in my previous marriage 
My ex husband had an office spouse who accompanied him on trips to Europe, etc. You can imagine what happened after that.</p>
<p>How would you feel if your spouse had an office spouse?</p>
<p>I would not feel comfortable.</p>
<p>What if your spouse’s office spouse was very attractive?</p>
<p>Attractive or not I would still be uncomfortable unless they were 80 years old.</p>
<p>What if the office spouse was not involved in a good relationship of his/her own?</p>
<p>I would start interviewing good divorce lawyers.</p>
<p>What if you thought/sensed that the office spouse was attracted to your spouse? (Men are often clueless or in denial that a woman is coming on to them.)</p>
<p>I would hire aforementioned divorce lawyer.</p>
<p>Would you want your spouse to stop the relationship? If so, what if your spouse refused to?</p>
<p>Yes I would want my spouse to stop the relationship. If they refused then I would know where I stand and would proceed accordingly.</p>
<p>Would any of this matter to you?</p>
<p>Yes</p>
<p>I say all this tongue in cheek but this happened to me and I was in denial. Could have been because I was pregnant with second child and didn’t want to deal with it head on. Husband insisted they were only co-workers. They were not.</p>
<p>Well…I’ll try:</p>
<p>If my spouse had an office spouse, I’d be thrilled, because it would tell me that his business is under control and operating smoothly, and that there is some business/job/financial security, and that he is capable of forming and sustaining long term, healthy relationships. </p>
<p>If the office spouse were very attractive, it wouldn’t matter: attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder, and, he’s going to be seeing and meeting attractive members of the opposite sex all his life. In business context it would be very good, especially if she is publically visibly associated with the business. </p>
<p>Office spouse not involved in their own relationship? I cannot see how I would know this, as it isn’t any of my business, and is of no concern or interest to me. But even so - let’s say I did come to know - it’s still a non-issue. He is either committed to me, or, he is not. Her availability is irrelevant. </p>
<p>If I thought one of them was attracted to the other? Hmmm - I think I would ignore, and be too busy in pursuit of my own goals to notice. Typically, if someone takes a step back from me, I take two. He should be the one worried about who I might meet and become attracted to, not the other way around. If he did admit attraction to her, I would probably encourage him to follow up on that attraction, and step out of the way so he could do so. </p>
<p>If they actually started a relationship? I wouldn’t ask him to stop. I would simply (or perhaps not so simply, if there are children involved) end MY relationship with HIM. I’d end it with grace and class, but I would definitely, immediately end it. Because if he can become attracted to and involved with someone else, then, clearly, he’s “not that into” me. So the best thing I can do is get out of the relationship, so that I can be available for a “real” relationship with someone else. </p>
<p>Would any of this matter to me? Well, not really. A man either values me highly, is in love and committed to me, or, he isn’t. If he isn’t, the best thing I can do probably is send the the office spouse flowers to thank her for getting the obstacle out of my way, so I can go on to someone who DOES value me highly, love me, etc.</p>
<p>From the other side: At different times in my career, I have been, and currently am, the object of curiousity and envy from a real life significant other. It’s a pain: I’m very attractive, wildly smart in spite of not being formally educated, and I travel often - overnight trips - with male executives. Funny how it’s never a WIFE that gets jealous - wives, I have great rapport with - somehow they just seem to “know” that I have a whole lot more class than to try to seduce their husbands, or, perhaps they “know” their husbands well enough to know that he isn’t about to use poor judgement, or that he’s committed to his marriage, etc. It’s the significant others that lose their minds over me - they can be very problematic, and tend to go to extremes to protect their relationships. What they fail to realize is that in the long run it drives the man away.</p>
<p>No office spouse here. Please, just having one sposue is often one too many!</p>
<p>I would feel very uncomfortable if my wife had an office spouse and would certainly let her know that. If I had a reasonable suspicion that something was going on there, it would come down to an ultimatum.</p>
<p>This is not to say that men and women can’t work together, but there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed, a line where sex will happen given the right opportunity. No one can really identify exactly where that line is, so you have to be a bit conservative in order to stay well on the right side ot it.</p>
<p>For starters, no drinks after work alone with someone of the opposite sex. If you want to go out afterwards, get a group together.</p>
<p>“A line where sex will happen if…”</p>
<p>Dadguy, I could NOT disagree with you more here. I am frequently out late at night (in other cities) with gentlemen, on business matters. We will almost ALWAYS have late dinners together - in very nice restaurants. I don’t like the taste or smell of alcohol and so I do not drink, but often the man or men I am with will have a glass of wine, or sometimes a beer. </p>
<p>There is absolutely NO chance that sex will “happen”. In the first place, to even get in range of such circumstances, a gentleman has to call me, ask me out on a date, which I expect that he will plan. Then, he has to pick me up, take me out on the date, and return me home at a reasonable hour. He has to treat me with the utmost courtesy and respect every single step of the way. Repeat this scenario about a dozen times and MAYBE we’re getting in range of the preliminary steps to sexual activity. </p>
<p>I like, honor, value and respect myself far too much to have casual sex with business associates, and I especially would never, ever have sex in some hotel room somewhere. Most of the professional women I know pretty much have the same standards for themselves. </p>
<p>Last, not a one of us - at least not in my world - would ever in a million years consider a relationship with a married man. We just stone cold wouldn’t consider it. I have absolutely no respect for men who cheat on their wives; I have zero interest such men who are that dishonorable; I want absolutely nothing to do with them. (My friends are all exactly the same way.) </p>
<p>There have been situations - thankfully I can count them on one hand - where I have been at a dinner or some social circumstance with gentlemen, and someone has said something inappropriate to me, or made unfortunate assumptions about my availability, and even made me the target of unwanted attention. In those situations, I have simply very graciously stood up, smiled, shook everyone’s hand and thanked them for a nice evening, assured them it was very wonderful meeting them/visiting with them or whatever, and said goodnight, pleading “other commitments”, and walked out of the restaurant. I do not tolerate inappropriate behavior directed towards me in any circumstances and especially not in business, and when it happens, I remove myself from the situation - immediately. So it’s pretty much impossible for sex to “happen”.</p>
<p>PrimetimeMom</p>
<p>The same thing happened to my husband’s sister when she was 7 months pregnant with their 2nd child. He, too, insisted all along that they were “just friends”… now he and she are just “divorced and he and office spouse are just 'married.”</p>
<p>Don’t play where you work. Nothing good will come of it.</p>
<p>I spend too much of my professional life dealing with the fallout from inappropriate work relationships.</p>
<p>I will admit that men and women can be “friends”- however on one side or both- sexual tension is going to be part of the relationship.
How well they handle that depends on if they are willing to admit it is there & if they restrict their interaction so that they don’t have an opportunity emotionally to take it to the next level.
Many of us spend way more concious hours at work than we do with our spouses- it is natural that we will meet people we are attracted to ,
we already have a huge common interest- otherwise we wouldn’t be working there-our coworkers are clean and shiny, and may see us at our best in a way that our spouses don’t.
When two adults work outside the home(seperately), yet are trying to maintain a stable romantic relationship, they have too much already pulling on them to allow a “office spouse”. relationship.
Physical sex, is merely the last boundary, emotional connection IMO, is what is the most dangerous to the primary relationship</p>
<p>“…emotional connection IMO, is what is the most dangerous to the primary relationship.”</p>
<p>So true…</p>
<p>latetoschool,</p>
<p>Sorry for the disagreement; maybe we could meet after work to discuss it? :)</p>
<p>Pictures??</p>
<p>Gentlemen, I suddenly remembered a prior commitment! But it has been wonderful, just wonderful, meeting you! Thank you very much for the opportunity to discuss this business item; I sincerely appreciate your thoughts - we’ll take it back and discuss it, and a member of my staff will call you if we are able to see how it all fits, o.k.? Whoops - I should run now while I can still make the 2:15 - :)</p>
<p>Infidelity can take many forms. Two that might not be often considered apply here: putting other “stuff” ahead of your spouse–this could be an office relationship or golfing, sailing, or beer & poker with the boys–and speaking negatively to a third-party about your spouse. Those are the dotted lines, cross at your own risk and that of your marriage.</p>
<p>Otoh, I think the notion that the person you’re married to will–or should–fulfill all of one’s emotional or intellectual needs is a stultifying artificial construct. As Hayden remarks, the chemistry is often such that it would be like kissing your sibling, which I guess could be dangerous if you’re in Mississippi.</p>
<p>DadGuy: reputedly, and I have no idea if this is true, the Chinese character for chaos is “two women under one roof.”</p>
<p>“For starters, no drinks after work alone with someone of the opposite sex. If you want to go out afterwards, get a group together.”</p>
<p>Are you proposing group spouses?</p>
<p>Thedad:</p>
<p>Nope. Chaos is not two women under one roof, though it could be two women sharing the same kitchen! But peace and security is one woman under one roof.
Real life story: I decided to teach a few Chinese characters to some first-graders (that’s from when I still remembered the Chinese I’d learned!) So I showed the character for peace. A friend of S drew the roof and to the left he drew the character for woman. When I told him that the woman ought to be under the roof, he replied, “Yes, but that’s my mom and she’s on her way back from work.” Cool kid.</p>
<p>Marite - I love that! Wouldn’t that make a fabulous t-shirt?</p>
<p>TheDad, I certainly agree re speaking negatively to a third party about one’s spouse, or even about one’s significant other. Thankfully I rarely here such things, but, when someone does that? It’s so appalling and such a turn-off that I cannot put enough distance between myself and that person fast enough. </p>
<p>I do think many emotional needs are met in business that are not and perhaps should not be met in one’s personal life, and obviously, people should show up for business with their personal emotional needs already met, or otherwise under control.</p>
<p>“Group spouses?” Ick. :D</p>
<p>The worst four words in the English language are “It began innocently enough”. There’s a lot of subconscious stuff going on when dealing with the opposite sex. While you may think you’re above cheating and all that, the divorce courts are full of people who never imagined they would end up doing the things they did. One thing leads to another and that leads to another thing and so forth. I’m not saying “look before you leap”, I’m saying “don’t put yourself so close to the edge that you’re in danger of making a wrong decision later”.</p>
<p>For some reason office romances seem to get very intense very fast. probably because all the getting to know you stuff is alrady done and one or often both are ready to take it to the next level usually skipping most of the steps along the way of typical normal “dating”. It’s playing with FIRE.</p>