<p>^^^^ True…each of my three sons have driven friends cars at school. My two middle kids have a car with them this year. Do I believe they are not going to loan the car…not for a minute. Sorry parents but loaning cars on campus is done all the time. The only way to insure your kid is not loaning out your car on your insurance is not to give them a car.</p>
<p>^^That bothers me a lot. We have already told son he could take his car to college (we are an 1.5 hrs from college so he wants the option of coming home when he wants) but I’ve started having major misgivings after we went for orientation.</p>
<p>The reason I am now second-guessing this decision is we heard from a number of students (and their parents) that you don’t need a car because you can always get someone who does have a car to drive you places or borrow their car. I find that troublesome - the same parents who won’t let their own kids have cars have no problem letting their kids beg and bother those with cars for rides. That puts my kid in an awkward position. He’s not taking his car so he can drive other kids around. The fact that these kids need to be somewhere but don’t have a car isn’t my problem. We have told him he can take his car but it is to remain parked in the parking garage unless he is coming home and we will be monitoring his mileage. If we find he is running other kids around or lending our his car, he will immediately lose the privilege. </p>
<p>I had one mom tell me proudly that she didn’t let her daughter take a car to college. It was, she said, a bit of a problem when her daughter got sick and had numerous doctor’s appointments off campus but she had her friends drive her to her appointments.</p>
<p>Personally, I like the campuses that don’t allow anyone to have their cars - then it’s non-issue for everyone.</p>
<p>that´s why my daughter doesn´t drive an automatic car. We purposely got a stick shift and a small car, so her friends wouldn´t want to borrow it.</p>
<p>We also had a rule (yes, we have a lot of rules) that she couldn´t take road trips with the car. It´s only for to and from home to college, and for driving around the campus. How do we monitor that? Mileage.</p>
<p>That’s why my son has a stick shift. But all of my boys, including the rogue one can drive stick. And that car with 8 kids in it was a Tercel.</p>
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<p>I’d encourage you to rethink this strategy. Your S is a legal adult now, and this sentence makes it sound more like he is in high school or middle school. I’d encourage you to find a way that gives him the freedom and ability to make decisions on what he wants the vehicle used for, while still being comfortable with the decisions he is making. For example, making him pay for the gas is one quick way to limit how much he will drive. A tank of gas is really expensive in college and you’re not going to let a friend burn a tank of your gas.</p>
<p>My experience with cars was different. Several of my friends did have cars and they would be willing to occasionally give a ride. None of them would allow me to borrow a car. But I had responsible friends and many of them paid for the car/insurance/gas themselves. Those students weren’t about to let just anyone drive their car and sure didn’t want to let others waste their gas.</p>
<p>I’m kind of confused…you talk about your son’s numerous accidents, and about how you’re scared of him drinking and driving, but how are they related? If he had been drinking during one of those accidents, and a cop was present (which I am guessing happened at least for the serious accident) then there is nearly no chance he was inebriated at the time, a cop definitely would have noted that, it is a very, very serious offense, he wouldn’t have gotten off.<br>
are you just scared that since he is already a bad driver he could get into a horrible accident if he drinks and drives? because whether or not he is a good or bad driver, drinking and driving would definitely not be ok.<br>
I think that these are two separate issues: not trusting him to stay away from drinking/driving, and his horrible driving skills. </p>
<p>for the drinking/driving: </p>
<p>edit: I just reread your post. to clarify, you wanted to give your son the alcohol test after he had driven himself home the night before, then? and he refused, and you are assuming he must have drank. I get it now, so…</p>
<p>I would not trust him to drive himself to people’s places at night. You should probably reiterate the consequences of drinking and driving, and make the point that even if he waited a while before getting in the car, it is still not safe, because in an intoxicated state he may think he is ok to drive while he is actually still not in the right state of mind (not to mention he is dangerous enough on the roads sober!)<br>
I would suggest that you tell him you would be ok with him spending the night over at his friend’s house if he finds himself drunk and without a sober ride home. You can also offer to give him a ride home if he finds himself in that situation. </p>
<p>I agree with someone who posted before, that I think a lot of teens now realize how dangerous drinking/driving is (though not all of them). if they don’t try to prevent it because they’re scared of hurting their own or someone else’s life, there’s always the selfish reason that a DUI could haunt you forever and limit your job opportunities. most people I know find someway to avoid drinking and driving, whether sleeping over at the house where the party is, having a DD or a friend who doesn’t drink to drive them home, or having parents who are willing to give them a ride home. </p>
<p>after addressing alternatives to drinking and driving, you should probably figure out a way to reduce his reckless sober driving:</p>
<p>he should have to work off/pay the insurance/fines/bills and you should probably make him take a defensive driving course. If the bad driving doesn’t stop, you will probably need to take more drastic measures.</p>
<p>also just a sidenote, at college I do find a lot of people borrow/lend cars. most people don’t have a car, and people that do aren’t usually using it everyday, so people are willing to lend their cars. mostly because they’d rather lend someone a car than give them a ride. sometimes you just really need a car…to go get supplies for a project somewhere in town, pick up something at target, go to the bank, and especially for dates! nobody wants to take their date to dinner using the bus! i think that’s one of the biggest reasons people seem to borrow cars, haha
but if you do borrow someone’s car it is expected that you will pay for gas</p>
<p>The OP asked son to take a alcohol detection test after a drive with some rewards if he took it. He declined. That is a flag as far as I am concerned. Also, OP seems to be realistic about how things are with the son. There is a feeling that he might be drinking and driving. No real proof yet, but a strong feeling. The trust is not there. In my opinion, that is enough to pull the car. You don’t need to have a major accident on your head when you have a feeling that this is an issue. But taking away driving privileges or the car is a very difficult thing to do in a family. A lot of fallout happens. It puts the parent in a tough spot. I am ever so grateful that I never gave my one son permission to drive. He has fulfilled too many of my expectations of what could happen if he were to be allowed to drive. That he did not have a license and access to our car, did make it more difficult for him to drive and cut down on the times he could drive. Otherwise, it would have been even more over the top.</p>
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<p>Good point - however, we do legally own the car and pay the insurance. No different from all those parents who won’t let their kids take their cars to school. We’re letting him take it with very strict rules. </p>
<p>I hope my son is willing to say no about the rides and borrowing. He says he doesn’t even plan to let people know he has a car there. I honestly wasn’t worried about it at all until I heard these students and parents take about how it’s a great strategy not to let your kid take a car to college because they can always depend on those that do for rides. That sort of sucks, IMHO. Either your kid needs a car or they don’t. If they don’t then they don’t need to be bumming rides from those that do.</p>
<p>One good thing about son’s campus is parking is a pain and since he has a parking garage, he can not legally park anywhere else on campus. Although, it’s the off-campus trips I’m more concerned about.</p>
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<p>There’s a huge difference. </p>
<p>The first says, “Mom & Dad don’t want me taking their car to college with me. They think that I’m an adult and therefore I can buy my own car if I think I need one.” That in turn indicates that you are going to treat him like an adult in other ways as well.</p>
<p>The second says “Mom & Dad are controlling how I live my life in college. If I want to take my car to the store, why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I take a friend with me up hiking (shopping, to the beach, etc, etc) with me if I want? Why can’t I take three of my friends? Why am I not allowed to drive the car to class? etc etc” And placing rules on him indicates that you still don’t trust his decisions and gives him an incentive to challenge your rules.</p>
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<p>Sorry but I have to respectfully disagree. You are basically saying *I don’t trust you with my car, therefore, I am not going to let you take it. If you want a car, go buy one yourself but you can’t take mine. *</p>
<p>I forget all the sordid details but kid in my hometown was drunk while driving. Killed three passengers but he (the driver) was the only survivor. Father was a doctor in town. He moved out of town and moved his practice.</p>
<p>Why on earth would you put such an irresponsible driver in a brawny tank of a car? He’s going to kill someone! Also, even a big, “safe” car won’t keep him safe from everything . . . </p>
<p>I wouldn’t let him drive at all, unless he wants to buy his own car, pay for his own insurance, pay his own tickets etc. Whether he’s driving drunk or not (he probably is, given that he refused to take the test for you), he obviously is a horrible driver.</p>
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<p>I don’t know. My daughter actually called me halfway through the year to ask if it would be OK if her best friend and roommate drove the car to take my daughter to the airport and pick her up. I don’t think she would have bothered if she had been loaning the car out.</p>
<p>My current college student is very responsible and has given us no reason not to trust him. However, he is very active in sports and other activities where cars are useful. Any of those kids with a car is under intense pressure to use it when there is a need or desire to travel. Gotta an out of town game, can you take 5 players? How about squeezing in that sixth? Though I sound like an old hag with my attitude, really, I understand why kids would break the rules. You do come off looking like a jerk when you have a car and you are holding out. And when you are driving the car, it’s difficult to control what is happening in the car when it is loaded with kids.</p>
<p>My friend’s daughter got into a lot of trouble, lost her license, cost a lot of money when she was pulled over with a car full of kids. When the cop looked in the car, he saw an open container of beer in the back seat. He made them all get out of the car, and a baggy of pot and some coke was found wedged around a seat. No one claimed ownership. Guess who ended up taking the rap? One of mine got into a similar situation with a bunch of kids in the car. Two of them were not even kids he knew and he really should not have let them have a ride, but they were there and friends of friends, and it would have made him look mean to not let in the car when he had room. </p>
<p>If someone has an emergency, a problem or really, really needs a car, and your kid has one parked right out there, and refuses to give the key, it doesn’t look good, smell good. Even if s/he is strong enough to say no, it doesn’t help the kid’s popularity factor. I remember my former roommate often giving rides in her car when there were problems. A dying cat, a stranded person, a family emergency all ended up in her lap because she had the car. Of course she said yes, of course she drove them. And a few times she gave out her key even though her parents had made it very clear that she would lose the car if they got any inkling that anyone drove it except for her. </p>
<p>So you give your kid a car when he can’t afford to get one, keep one, care for one on his own, so you make all of the stipulations. I don’ t see how that one will work. If they have the car, they’ll use the car. If others find out they have a car, they’ll want to use it as well, and those with cars will more likely than not let them use the car on occasion.</p>
<p>My son may have a car in college this year because he has saved up enough to buy one, and has a lucrative on campus job, plus a research grant that will take care of the insurance and upkeep. It will be his insurance in his name, though it would be a lot cheaper in our name. If something goes wrong, they can sue him and his empty pockets instead of endangering all of us and our assets and insurance.</p>
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Not necessarily - there’s an expense and hassle factor involved with the parent giving the kid a car to take to college and when the parent doesn’t think the kid actually needs a car at college then why provide it to the kid? OTOH if the kid is willing to work to earn money to buy their own car, pay for their own parking, etc. then they should be able to get one. It can be surprising how some of the kids are less willing to casually loan their own car, the one they have sweat equity in (as opposed to the one daddy bought and gave to them), to someone else.</p>
<p>I agree usd-ucladad. I have seen that myself. My oldest son was terrible with our cars. Careless with gas usage, parking tickets, etc. Now with his own car, he calculates the mileage and does not use air conditioning to save money. He knows that he is on a tight budget, and once the money is gone, he has to sit tight. He will borrow our car to do things to avoid using his when we ask him to pick up some milk, drop off someone at the train station, etc. Incredible what that sweat equity does.</p>
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<p>Right - which is why if my son wants the privilege of taking my car to college he also has to obey my rules. It’s quid pro quo. I have no problem with that.</p>
<p>If he choose not to obey my rules, he loses the privilege of having my car at college. Seems simple enough to me. He always has the option of buying his own car. When you think about it, he’s getting a sweet deal, so why would he mess it up by acquiescing to peer pressure? Sheer stupidity, I suppose.</p>
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<p>I would hope your adult son has the dignity to refuse to pee in a cup for you, whether or not you offer a bribe.</p>
<p>Wow, how does he still have a licence with several speeding tickets? Who paid them? </p>
<p>We have a really simple rule. If kids ever caught driving drunk or getting in a car with someone who is, all support ends. That includes tuition. They would have a year off to consider whether they ever want to do it again. </p>
<p>After 2 speeding tickets I would consider taking away all support of driving–your car, insurance and any help with him getting a car for at least a year. I think that’s your best chance of keeping him alive. If he totalled a friend’s car, I’m guessing he won’t be getting many loaners in the future.</p>
<p>It doesn’t work that way. IF you catch him breaking your rules, he loses the privilege of having your car at college. He can do a heck of a lot of damage before you are aware of what he is doing with your car. You think any parent wants his kid casually tossing the keys to that parent’s car to some other kid to drive? You think any parent wants 8 kids packed in his car? You think any parent wants his kid driving someone and his sick cat looking for a vet open at midnight when he has school the next day? You think he wants his kid picking up someone at the airport due to some sob story? These things do not usually happen with the parents’ blessings. College kids are well known for their sheer stupidity. It’s understandable that they do these things. If you’re lucky, you’ll hear about al the things done to your car, maybe 10 years later. If not, the cops will call you to come and claim the wreckage.</p>
<p>By the way, I nearly drove my MIL’s car off a bridge when H and I were first together. He was teaching me to drive with HER car on a country road. There was a bridge without rails that I did not quite make. We laugh about the story now–took 3 tow trucks, each one bigger than the previous one to get the thing off the bridge without pushing it over. </p>
<p>See. I have the problem that I don’t want my car being used and abused whether I find out about it or not. Since there is no way to control what is being done with the car when I am not with it, and I know what is out there, I don’t let them have my car there. Simple as that. And, by the way, they do this stuff, because much more often than not, they do not get caught, and nothing bad happens.</p>