<p>I vented in the 'say it here" thread, but it would be lovely to get some feedback. Sounds like oregon101 has had a similar long term friendship that she too is ready to . I have found that over the years, my friend (divorced, no kids) has become increasingly sour, negative, rigid, cranky, inflexible self focused and generally and set in her ways. Maybe she was always like this and I am just less tolerant of it as I get older, or perhaps a combination of the 2. But she has been generally unpleasant and I am really questioning what I get out of our friendship.</p>
<p>She did something very selfish and unkind several years ago and I distanced myself from her for quite a while back then. She sort of half apologized and I put it behind me. But she is again becoming increasingly unpleasant. If I make the mistake of starting a telephone conversation with “how are you” , I get a litany of her chest and sinus problems or her indigestion. Lovely. Without getting into boring detail, the latest issue was her round of repeated complaints and general list of what she doesn’t like, does want or isn’t willing to do, and any suggestion I made to get together to do she summarily rejected without any suggestion of what she might like to do. She is typically full of excuses if I ever ask her help with something, or if she does ultimately agree to part of it, its after a list of what she won’t do because some part of it might be inconvenient to her in her eyes. She also thinks that if I bring something up in general conversation that she needs to opine about how it should be handled or how what was done was wrong. She is a know it all who doesn’t know it all. My late mom used to call her a boss Murphy. I have tried to think about what I enjoy in our friendship and at this point I really can’t think of anything. That said, it makes me sad to think of ending a 40 year friendship. I tried about a year ago to delicately talk to her about this, and all she said was “well thats the way I am”. No willingness to see that its ruining a friendship or willingness to work on it. </p>
<p>So I ponder what to do. I tried to make some plans to do something with her tomorrow (we are jewish and my DH is out of town) but after the long list of general BS and complaints of dislikes or inconveniences with everything I suggested, she left a VM Sunday afternoon saying in an emphatic tone that she really didnt want to do what we’d come up with, didn’t like it, wasn’t willing to drive that far (its not far) or go that early (11 am!!!), but barked that I should call her back (ostensibly after looking for yet more things to do that she will reject). I did not return the call. I’ve discussed this with 2 other friends (who dont know her that well) who think I should try to talk to her. But frankly I am not sure what I would say. They think I should start by telling her i am worried about her. I think no matter what I say she will be defensive, and right now I am too annoyed to be as diplomatic as I’d like. So for now I am choosing to do nothing. I dont know if she will call or not. Or if I’ll want to discuss this over the phone. With her, email or text is a bad idea. So, help-- any experience, thoughts or suggestions? I’ll try not to be like her and reject them all :)</p>
<p>I meant to add that I have tried to overlook her shortcomings and I generally believe that we accept our friends with their gifts and their flaws, but I am not sure I can do it anymore. Its simply too draining and the negativity is just intolerable.</p>
<p>Despite out past differences, I want to offer my deepest sympathies as I have a similar type of long-term friendship with similar dynamics. Only differences are it hasn’t reached the level of negativity yet, but the self-absorbedness, stubborness, and a bit of the self-sabotage aspects are there. It’s one reason why I don’t maintain regular contact beyond weekly check-ins to see how he’s doing. One thing which adds to the weirdness is he’s a few years older than me. </p>
<p>Only you can weigh the pros and cons and your own inclinations/charity as to whether to continue this one-sided friendship or not. Best of luck whatever you decide as this decision isn’t an easy one to make.</p>
<p>Some friendships just run their course. Can you just see this person a lot less frequently…and perhaps with others who are more cheerful? That way, you don’t totally lose the friendship completely, but you distance yourself enough to have some peace.</p>
<p>Thanks, cobrat and thumper. Interestingly, I introduced her to a family friend ( also divorced, no kids and rather rigid in her ways) and they have become friends. I really dont do things socially with the family friend either, so there is little likelihood that , unless I initiate, that any of us will cross paths. I have another friend who is very cheerful and cannot stand, and will not do anything with the sourpuss friend. </p>
<p>I am going to miss the dim sum brunch tomorrow much more that being with my friend!</p>
<p>I think she is probably past talking to, but you can set your limits accordingly. So she knocks down every suggestion – “Well it sounds like this won’t work for you. Perhaps another time”…then hang up. Or when she starts in complaining, “Oh I am sorry I caught you on a bad day. I will let you go so you can get some rest” and then hang up. Done…she will either get the picture and change or she won’t, but either way she won’t be drowning you in negativity. That’s a win!</p>
<p>Oh good suggestions, Ramon! If she starts with the sinus drainage stuff, I can tell her I’ll let her rest and feel better, and she can call when she’s feeling better. Brilliant.</p>
<p>jym, I’ve given up 2 friendships. The last was a very close friend of 20+ years. we sent our kids to camp together, and I was at her side when her husband died. I stayed by her when she abandoned her kids, financially & physically. Her other close friends left her, but I kept thinking of how good she was with me during my separation and legal problems. Everyone close to me kept telling me to cut the strings; she was draining me. I still miss her (in her better days) but cutting her loose was something I just had to do. What she did to her kids was unforgivable. No matter how I tried, she was ruthless with her sons. Without giving more details, it is painful to say goodbye to someone you have known for so long. </p>
<p>I say distance yourself. Who needs the negative energy? </p>
<p>I too have had to put some space in between myself and a friend. The issues were surrounding our daughters. I started a thread on it a few months back. What finally put the nail in the coffin was her mothers death. The wake was on a day that I had to work, a Sunday(she told me of the arrangements on a Friday) & it was late in the evening, in NYC. So getting to that section of NY and back would have been an issue. Plus my mom was in the hospital with her own set of heart issues. </p>
<p>She wanted me to come, though I never met her mother. The few subsequent conversations that we had were very cold and tart on her part. We haven’t spoken in over a month! I am feeling relieved! And a bit guilty! But in my heart of hearts I know it’s time to move on.</p>
<p>Ooh, lots of sadness, bookworm. I guess I need to let myself accept that it is sad that it has come to this, but that it is what it is.</p>
<p>I had a very few people I could invite to my s’s wedding, and included her b/c she’s known him all his life. She loves to travel and her bro lives in So Calif (wedding is in No Cal) so I though she might come, and if not would be gracious in her apologies that she was so hoping to come but that it just wasn’t going to be possible, or something diplomatic. Instead I got the " all about me" response that it wasn’t convenient and that the closer airport was too expensive and it wqs too far to drive from the other airport (which is nonsense) and a litany of other excuses,. Fine. Don’t come. I really don’t care. But for crikey’s sake, this is my sons wedding. Try to sound excited for them and disappointed that you cant attend. Nope. </p>
<p>Yes, excellent advice from Ramon. It can be hard not to jump in there and try to fix the impossible, but it’s like dealing with obnoxious teenage girls who work hard to draw you in (c.f., Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall, a book on parenting teens that saved my life). If she continues to be impossible, then it’s just not worth it.</p>
<p>Thanks, NewHavenCTmom and oldmom. Its validating to know others have been there/done that and made the difficult choice. I do really think that many people with no kids dont know how to put other people first. I was just watching Jason Sudekis’s fiancee (forget her name) talk about their new baby ns that you can no onger be selfish as you will forever put someone elses needs before your own (or words to that effect) and people who havent been through that just don’t get it.</p>
<p>Did any of you formally say goodbye or just distance yourselves, and let it slowly fade away?</p>
<p>Do you think there might be a physical basis to some of this? For example, is her eyesiight ok? Any dementia? Sometimes that sort of thing accounts for behavioral changes.</p>
<p>I have dumped 3 very long term friends this year. They were friends for over 20 years. One was a friend for 40 years. The friend of 40 years I told never to call me again. The other two friends I tried the silent treatment but it didn’t work. I eventually just sent them texts saying I moved on and best wishes. </p>
<p>I could no longer take the negatives that came with the friendships. The older I get, the more I just want to hang around positive people who make me feel better!</p>
<p>Life is too short for bs.</p>
<p>I like that these ex friends are no longer a part of my life.</p>
<p>I also had a friend for over 30 years who was very negative. When I was going through a tough time her negativity just dragged me down, and I finally told her that. She hasn’t spoken to me since. I like the other ideas here to just let the friendship fade away.</p>
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my friend (divorced, no kids) has become increasingly sour, negative, rigid, cranky, inflexible self focused and generally and set in her ways</p>
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<p>No offense to the never-marrieds, but this sounds like a stereotypical spinster. I had a great-aunt that was this way. </p>
<p>I think that sometimes single/no-kids types have a more difficult time thinking outside themselves because that is all that they have (unless they are very involved with parent-care or similar). </p>
<p>Other people with families are always thinking, “hmm, what does (H, W, or kid) need?” or “what can I do to help (H, W, or kid)?” Heck, most parents barely notice their own health conditions! However, these single/no-kid folks just have themselves 24/7. It’s sad because they probably are lonely and they’re hurting their chances by being obnoxious friends.</p>
<p>Happy Birthday to your DH, jym. ( your birthdays are almost exactly 6 months apart!)</p>
<p>jym626–just saw this post. Yes, I am struggling with a 32 yr old friendship that has been sweet and more often bitter.
I felt for many years that I could not end it as my H and our children have history.
She held my D when she was born as her H was the pediatrian.
Now they live 4 hours away.
This GF knows everything and yet knows little.
History that seems not important anymore: making plans and then not following through, being UPSET if we made family plans for a musical or vacation but if asked (and a few times I bought tickets and they both did not show and she did not pay).</p>
<p>The last few years we have had angry words over her need to lecture me about our kids attending medical school.
Her two are in an old fashioned one and mine in a supportive one.</p>
<p>Now My DIL has been accepted to her kids med school. Both of hers are doing their residency’s now and thrivng.</p>
<p>This friend is so threatened. She says she is not competative. Seriously?
No doubt it comes from her insecurity but it all tastes the same</p>
<p>This BEST GF who calls most every day has not called in the last 7. Why? I called and said, “HI! DIL has been accepted in UW”. she said great and that they were leaving just then. </p>
<p>I called once and then again leaving a VM.
D is visiting her D this weekend and will see this G.F.</p>
<p>I think H and D finally get it and both are supporting the end. That said, D asked me what I am thinking as to fill the
void</p>
<p>I would simply just quit calling. It really sounds the you do not have a friendship anymore, it’s just become a habit. You are not a bad person for letting it go. People change.</p>
your birthdays are almost exactly 6 months apart!)</p>