<p>Thanks, everyone, for sharing your similar experiences and validating that its ok to let go of a dysfunctional friendship. If she ever calls me (I dont plan to call her) I may let her know that if our friendship is important to her then she is going to have to take ownership of her behaviors and change. I doubt she will, since “thats the way she is” and is rigid and probably not uncomfortable with how she is. Her brother, who is a doll, asked me, when he was last in town and we all had lunch, to try to help he expand her social life and get out more. He knows how she is. She is unpleasant to be around. I invited her to my womens investment group, which she dominated, even though she admittedd she didnt know a lot about stocks. She did help with som graphs , but then decided she didnt have time and she quit the group. </p>
<p>Oregonmom, my BIL cancelled out on stuff with his family of 5 and stiffed us for the expensive tickets in the past. Really fried my cookies.</p>
<p>I treasure friendships, but over the years, I have had to accept that people grow and change, and where at one point we had a lot in common, that may not be forever. Sometimes it isn’t about something the other person (or me) does- but that we grew in different directions. I had a friend who expanded her career while I cut mine back to raise kids, and we didn’t spend the kind of time together that we did before. Once, I introduced two friends of mine, and they became such good friends that I was excluded. I cried a lot over that one, but had to accept it just was the way it was. </p>
<p>I have also had to leave friends who were toxic and negative. If I’m spending time with someone out of obligation, or habit, not because I want to, then that isn’t being honest with them. However, I don’t think it is always valuable to tell them why I think they are so toxic.</p>
<p>Your friend might be depressed, and in this case, you could tell her that you are concerned about her personality changes, but it would be up to you to decide if this is helpful. </p>
<p>Sometimes just letting the relationship take its natural drift is the natural way- just fill your time with your other interests and not be as available. </p>
<p>You might grieve the loss of the friendship and that is OK too. </p>
<p>Since I didn’t return her call after the last “I dont want to do XXX, its too far, too early and I dont like that kind of food, so call with another idea” message (or words to that effect) maybe she got the message. Doubtful, though, as sadly I dont think she gets how unpleasant tht negativity is from the receiving end. Time to symbolically put her on restricted access on my facebook page, though she may not notice because, of course, she doesn’t like facebook!</p>
<p>jym, I think you had already made your decision about what to do when you posted this thread, but you were looking for validation and permission.</p>
<p>People change. She’s changed, and so have you. What worked for us years ago doesn’t necessarily work for us anymore. Time to move on. </p>
<p>Life is too short. Only surround yourself with people who make you feel good.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t waste any more emotional energy on her. Just stop calling and distance yourself. You can’t fix or change her, and it is not healthy for YOU to deal with this negative person.</p>
<p>Hubby and I have both faced this. My tactic is to not have the big talk, but to just let things fade away. It takes too much energy out of me to have a toxic friendship. You are not responsible for her or her behavior, and I doubt unless she notices and cares that people don’t want to be around her that she’d put effort into changing. What really made me sad is as I read this I was thinking…this sounds like my mom. When it’s family you “have” to put up with stuff to an extent, I don’t know I could keep an optional person around me who was like that. </p>
<p>Actually, VH, I had not decided for sure what I was going to do. I have been wrestling with this, and its been building since I first reached out to her a week or 2 ago to see if she wanted to get together today, and the first response was “I haven’t thought that far yet”, followed by “well sometimes X and Y and I do a movie or dinner” (I am reading her text from Dec 11). Next message was 5 days later, and then a series of rejections of everything I suggested. I have spoken to 2 friends about this, and have come closer to the decision I am making, but truly, as I said in my OP was, and am, asking for “help-- any experience, thoughts or suggestions?”</p>
<p>Since I hadn’t called her back about what to do today (I had pretty much given up since she punted every idea I proposed) I hadn’t for sure decided if I was going to contact her today. But, with the comments and experiences I have heard here from others, I’ve decided not to. Will just sit tight and turn my attention to other things on the “to do” list. Still not sure what I will say to her if she contacts me, as I am still more annoyed with than concerned about her at this point and I may be less delicate that I might like. While I want to “be the bigger person” as it were, I do confess there is a part of me that wants to tell her what a PITA sourpuss she is. I realize she didn’t send a holiday card this year either (she usually does- I haven’t done cards in 2 years) so maybe she has been doing her own distancing since my s’s engagement party this summer, as I’ve only seen her once or twice since then.</p>
<p>Eyeamom, it is sad when its a family member, and you feel obligated to be with the crank-pot. To some degree, since I have no family locally, she (and the people I introduced her to, who were longtime family friends of my parents) were sort of “family”, but you are right, I do not have to spend time with them if they are unpleasant to be around. It is sad. These are the core people I used to have here for the major holidays, but I also realize in later years I hosted the bulk of the time (we used to rotate more often but I think they decided it was too inconvenient and it landed on my head to have 20+ people here).</p>
<p>So, goodbye to an era. Sad…</p>
<p>I still have to decide what to say, in the off chance she contacts me. I suppose I could just avoid the call, but thats not my typical way to address things.</p>
<p>Eyemamom, I cannot imagine how hard this is when it your mom.</p>
<p>My impression was jym’s friend was so close that she was on the invite list to her son’s wedding. Personally, I have about 5 friends I would invite to travel x-country for a wedding (no one wants to, but that was a topic for another thread).</p>
<p>After my mom died, my ex-friend would call every night, like my mom did. Some years later, going thru all the legal stuff of ending a relationship, she would ask to hear every e-mail from my lawyer and analyze details with me. I never burdened other friends with such details. She has an addictive personality, and went from food to alcohol. She fell when drunk, and I stayed by her side through her surgery. She refused to seek treatment. Things only got worse when her spouse died of cancer. I do not know how many years the relationship became one-sided. She had a blow-out fight with her sons on the eve of one son’s law school graduation. Although drunk, she vented every hostile thought. Why her lawyer husband left all his money to her and not proportionately to the boys, I will never know. To sum up this saga, I tried my best to bring some peace to all, but I failed. I think of this person daily, even though I have not spoken to her in over a year. </p>
<p>I am the sort who is extremely patient until there is a “straw that breaks the camel’s back.”</p>
<p>This happened to me with a close friend last spring. </p>
<p>I’d been there for her and gone the extra mile through some very difficult times.</p>
<p>In this particular instance, she’d called because she would be in town and suggested we could get together after she attended an event at church.</p>
<p>I prepared lunch and waited, and she finally texted me about two hours late. I had already left home to pick up my daughter (she was moving out of her dorm that day), so I was unable to see her at all.</p>
<p>I was furious that she couldn’t take 15 seconds to text me or (shocker) perhaps even leave the church event to keep her appointment with me.</p>
<p>I expressed my disappointment and made it clear that, I had gone out of my way to be thoughtful and helpful to her, and if she couldn’t be bothered to even send me a text in such a situation, I really didn’t want to be friends with her.</p>
<p>It took awhile to work through it, but she does value my friendship enough that she has made a real effort since then – a sign of a true friend, I might add. </p>
Thanks, m2ck! He will be home early this evening, if the flight is on time, so we will have the opportunity to spend the evening together for his birthday. Oh, and my friend knew this… when she made her one suggestion- that we get together for dinner tonight at 7. Um, no.</p>
<p>It sounds like this friendship should and will die away if you don’t initiate get-togethers. My inclination would be to say yes if she invites you to a lunch or whatever, and then play it by ear, but definitely tell her that her behavior isn’t working for you and that you need to see less of her.</p>
<p>^^@fendrock, nice to read one story of redemption!</p>
<p>@jym626, I am with those who support a distancing at this point. Life IS too short and I too deliberately brought one toxic friendship to a close years ago, with no regrets.</p>
<p>The only suggestion I could think of would be that when your friend kept rejecting your ideas re what to do together, you might then throw it back in her court. Say, “Well, since I don’t seem to be coming up with ideas that appeal to you, how about you get back to me if you come up with a plan that would work?” </p>
<p>But not returning her latest downer call works as well. Focus on friends who enhance your life, rather than drag you down.</p>
This is what at times when I think about it I think I’d like to do, but can’t think of a diplomatic way to do it. And I am not sure it will be heard. I anticipate a defensive response or another “thats the way I am” response. I have cared about her as a friend for a long time, but this is not new… its just worse. And I am less willing to tolerate it. Many years ago she informed me that I would be throwing her a 50th birthday party. She didn’t ask-- she told. And she selected a day that was extremely inconvenient for me. I told her that unfortunatley it was not likely to work for me but she would not hear no, would not consider another date and pushed and pushed. I finally said that if our other mutual friend (who I had introduced her to) would host it and handle the invitations, that I would help. It was really inconvenient (I was organizing and hosting another large event the weekend before, and really didnt have the time to handle 2) but I sucked it up and did it. Ok- not a week or so later, after she dumped this responsibility on my head, I was invited to a dear college friend’s wedding up north (my friend down here knows this college friend). The wedding was a Sat night. I asked my friend down here if she would mind staying at my house that Sat night just to makes sure my then 13 and 17 yrs olds s’s (who she knows very well and are good kids) weren’t alone that night. All they needed to do was order a pizza or something. Three guesses the response. No. She “isnt good with kids”. I was livid. I had to go to the wedding alone and leave my DH to watch the kids (I could have tried to find another friend to watch them but I just went alone). That was the incident for which I distanced myself from her for a long time. Very, VERY selfish.</p>
Maybe, VH, but she could have easily just said she had other plans and wasn’t available, rather than to suggest a time that I couldn’t do (was looking to get together during the day, not at night when I’ll be celebrating DH’s birthday when he returns). She has a tendency to do something only if its convenient for her, is I think in part her not communicating much over the past few months (other than when I inititiated) is more likely that she was just vegging or whatever. </p>
<p>The last time I saw her was when I suggested we get together for lunch. Sh had just enclosed her patio into a covered screened porch. When I saw it I said “oh you should have a party to celebrate its completion and enjoy it”. Of course, her response was “no”. She was “too busy” (with what? She is retired and does some part time volunteer work).</p>
<p>Oh, forgot to add, JEM, that I did ask her if she had any ideas. Other than dinner (which I could not do) she gave me a list of what wouldnt work (eg the only movies she wants to see are new releases and she wont go to a new release on xmas; no restaurant is open before 4:30 - which is not true since its my Hs birthday and we always go out for brunch on xmas to celebrate. But when I sent her a list of options, they were either too far, too expensive or " too heavy". And the dim sum, which I wanted to do- we’d have to get there at 11 to avoid the crowd. She said she doesn’t like dim sum and wasn’t sure she could find anything to eat, it was too far and too early. She loves breakfasts.I suggested waffle house. Of course- she announced she doesn’t like waffle house. </p>
<p>jym, are you concerned that this person will suffer from your absence in your life, i.e., do you feel a little guilty to drop her (been there/done that)? Do you worry that you don’t have enough friends (been there/done that) so her absence will leave a big gap in your social life? Those are the only reasons I could imagine not wanting to drop her, from what you’ve told us about her. It really doesn’t sound like she adds anything of value to your life. Or does she?</p>
<p>Eyemamom, my MIL was the negative person I couldn’t get away from. I remember thinking over and over if she were an unrelated friend I would dump her.</p>
<p>I have plenty of friends. Some of my friends don’t enjoy her company. I will not have a gap with her absence. But I do think she has very few friends, which is why her brother asked me to help her get out more and be more sociable. I have done my best, but she has become more of a homebody (lol I accidentally typed homebiddy- that was Freudian!) and apparently is comfortable with her life. Its just a long history to let go of. We were friends, roommates and the maid of honor in each other’s weddings. Feels like moving out and asking for a divorce. Well, I am definitely not calling her. In reading what I’ve written, she brings no joy to my life at this point. And whining about what an inconvenience and expense attending my s’s wedding would be for her (while she is planning other travels) was a bit of the last straw. Good, don’t come. Space is limited and my s and his fiancee will have room to invite someone who really wants to be there. She’d probably just complain about the temperature or the outdoor venue anyway.</p>
<p>Of course it’s a shame when someone who was such a big part of your history is no longer in your life. But maybe it’s like the frog in the pot of cold water on the stove, in extremely slow motion, over the years. You aren’t responsible for her misery.</p>