<p>Not sure I’ve heard that analogy before ! ^#(^ But I get it. It has been a slow death. </p>
<p>I invited her, a friend of hers and another mutual friend to my birthday party a year ago. She sat with the 2 of them in a corner table and then complained later to me that no one sat with them. Did she tell me the party was lovely, did she wish me a happy birthday? Did she say she had a nice time? No, she complained that no one sat with them. All these unpleasant memories are popping up.</p>
<p>Making a conscience decision to distance or end a friendship/relationship is difficult, but sometimes it is necessary. The song “Somebody I just used to know” always come to mind. </p>
<p>I think you have received some excellent advice, and I generally favor the “distance and fade” method–it often accomplishes the goal without slamming and locking the door. </p>
<p>If you end up being forced to confront her about it, when she says “that’s the way I am”, tell her, that is not the way she used to be, and that she has changed. Let her know that you value and treasure your past memories, but that if this is “the way she is going to be”, then you don’t see her in your present or future. </p>
<p>But you are a good person, so you care about her. And her brother mentioned that she doesn’t have a lot of friends and needs to get out, so you were trying to do the right thing. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t have a grand announcement about the cessation of the friendship, I’d just quietly let it go. Then later if you want to restart you can. Heck, she may see she misses you and reach out. </p>
<p>Nice suggestion, doresearch, and thanks lizardly. </p>
<p>I am hoping she wont call for a while because recalling all these negative, self- centered experiences is making my blood boil!</p>
<p>Hi @jym626
Merry Christmas and good luck with this bossy and cranky friend of yours.
I know people like that and my solution is: I disappear…for a long time.</p>
<p>:) </p>
<p>I agree that you should just let this friendship die a natural death, there is nothing positive in here for you, and hasn’t been for a long time.</p>
<p>I personally don’t care for big confrontations, and I don’t think that anything you say will matter to her. She is selfish, set in her ways, not going to change.</p>
<p>Perhaps consider never calling or texting her at all, no contact. If she calls you, you can talk for a short while, and then be on your way somewhere. If she suggests doing something, you are unable, busy. Sounds like you have been making all the effort on this friendship, so if you stop, very little might happen anyways. Just let her slide away, and you might be surprised how easy it is. And how much more pleasant your life is.</p>
<p>I let a 25 year friendship slide away, with no confrontation, and I’m definitely better for it. Though every now and then I miss her, I don’t miss the drama and the one way street the friendship was. There was always something she needed me to do for her, always. I am afraid to let her back into my life, and we enjoy the peace. Some people are just emotional vampires, and there’s no changing them.</p>
<p>Jym626, No. I didn’t. The friend of 40 years knows why. Like I said , I told him never to call again.</p>
<p>The other two friends have a good idea why. I was fairly nice. I said I was changing my life and wished them the best. </p>
<p>I don 't want to pretend I am some fantastic person here. When I
moved a few years ago, a friend stopped returning my calls. After I called a couple of times with no return calls, I got the hint.</p>
<p>I actually have run into him a couple of times over the last year. We talk. There are no problems. Life moves on…</p>
<p>DH and I had very close friends who stood by us when our son fell so ill in 2010. The wife spent time with us in the ER and psych hospital in the spring of 2013. We were all fairly conservative Christians, but then she and her husband started drifting into a more fundamental group. I had shared with her something DH and I enjoy doing, and the wife decided that was the root of all our problems! She sent me a HORRIBLE email, just ripping us up one side and down the other. This was just a couple of weeks after my son had finished his month-long stay in the hospital. I was already a wreck! DH responded to her email, but I cut her off completely. Now, a year and a half later, DH reached out to the husband and asked me to do the same with the wife. I said no way! I have forgiven her, but I will never trust her again. I need positive people around me.</p>
<p>The interesting thing is that I used to run into her around town all the time - she lives less than a mile from us. But I have not seen her ONE TIME in a year and a half. It makes me sad that we’re not friends anymore, but sometimes there’s no helping the situation. :(</p>
<p>I can understand wanting to dump the friendship. The only problem I see with the fact you didn’t call her back is… Is there any chance that she might have gone to the place at 11:00 am anyway since she didn’t hear from you acknowledging that she cancelled?</p>
<p>No, MichiganGeorgia, there is zero chance she went. Her last message was very clear, with her emphatic tone, that she didn’t want to go there, didn’t like that food, the distance, the time, so did not want to go, but I should look around and see if there was something else to do (she claimed she looked and all the other places I suggested were unacceptable for some reason or another) and I should call her. I chose to do neither.</p>
<p>Sounds like a lot of us have been through this. I let her back into my life when she half apologized for the extremely selfish behavior 11 years ago, but maybe its time to not keep trying to salvage a long dead friendship.</p>
<p>ML, that is awful about your friends. Its bad enough to attack you for a difference in perspectives on something, but her timing really sucked!</p>
<p>I don’t think you need to be diplomatic.</p>
<p>I would be straight with her.</p>
<p>But of course - that’s just me.</p>
<p>You should do what makes YOU feel best. Don’t worry about HER feelings!</p>
<p>There is a part of me that would like to tell her what a miserable friend she has been, but not sure it would make me feel any better. At least people here are listening. Not sure she would.</p>
<p>I did want to add that I did recall one thing she did do-- she helped me pack my office and occasionally filled in t the front desk when she was between jobs. That was about 6 years ago.</p>
<p>Telling her would really only make you feel better…at the time. Then you’d feel really badly afterwards. Let me help you help yourself and your sleeping at night. I’ve never seen a benefit from airing grievances. Making boundaries for yourself is important. You can certainly grieve the loss of the friendship, but much like I think telling a spouse about an affair only makes the person cheating feel better, telling her about her faults will probably not go over well given her behavior the past few years. </p>
<p>Whatever you do, I would not suggest sending the bridge up in flames. Years ago I had a dilemma regarding what to say to someone who had been a very close friend. I did not want to cause pain, but I also did not want to pretend nothing was bugging me. It would have been bad timing to broach the topic right then. I didn’t end up getting back to her about it later because I still couldn’t figure out how to say what I wanted to say. She did not call to talk but instead sent me a letter with a lot of unpleasantness in it, and a convert you type tape. Too bad. We’d had some really good times.</p>
<p>Eyeamom- I said I am NOT sure it would make me feel better. My current plan is simply to step back. At this point, I haven’t called her, and she hasn’t called me. The only reason I might consider saying something would be if she decided to lecture me about something, as she is inclined to do. Right now the lecturing, complaining and negativity are like nails on a blackboard. </p>
<p>At one point last summer she was complaining to me about some of the planning of my s’s fiancee’s shower (several friends wanted to put a shower together for her and asked me for a list of people who might want to participate. I added her name later in the process, after the person who I know cannot stand being around her indicated she’d be out of town that weekend and unable to participate. ) Anyway, at one point she started complaining to me that they were not listening to her suggestions and were doing all the planning (she didn’t know that they’d started before I added her name into the group). Anyway, I stopped her and told her I really didn’t want to hear about any problems or issues that might be going on with the planning of the shower- that I knew everything would be fine and the shower would be lovely and the little back details didn’t matter and I didn’t want to know. She ignored me and continued on. I stopped her again and said I was sure the shower would be lovely and I really didnt want to hear if there were any planning challenges (which would have likely been only her anyway). She snapped back “I am JUST making conversation”. I don’t recall what I said in response, but I changed the subject. No one with any sense of common decency would think that I would want to hear back squabbling about the planning of what was a kind, lovely and exciting event for my future DIL. It all worked out fine, as I knew it would, and in fact they did take one of her suggestions (she is bossy- no surprise there) at one point. So I am glad I cut that negativity off as I really did NOT want her tainting that event with her bickering. So in that conversation she stopped the negative junk. It was short-lived, though.</p>
<p>I am not into educating people why they are lousy friends. I am good at letting friendship die of natural death when it is not working for me. All of a sudden I am too busy or forget to reply to emails/calls. </p>
<p>Jym - I would let it go. No point in wasting your time over this. I am sure you have a lot of friends who want to spend time with you. Happy birthday to your H. Order some take out Chinese food.</p>
<p>We’ll probably go out for chinese and see all the other jews from the neighborhood 
</p>
<p>Just took the cake out of the oven. Waiting for it to cool so I can ice it.</p>
<p>Jym, what will you do with a whole cake? Bring it to the Chinese restaurant and share with other customers?</p>
<p>I could never have included my former friend in planning a shower; my other friends do not like her, and find her a know-it-all. She does know a lot about some things, but she is not a team player. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>While that may be true for some, it always felt like an unthinkingly pat cop-out answer. What? You’re a pre-programmed robot or inanimate object who cannot change?</p>
<p>IMO, it’s not too different with folks, especially adolescents saying “I don’t know why I did it, I just did” and cannot explain the why of their actions. </p>
<p>My friend has used that phrase many times…and I and several other mutual friends have directly called him out on it. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s not making conversation. Making conversation means keeping everything light and pleasant, especially on occasions like a baby shower or wedding. </p>
<p>Making negative and/or critical comments is more appropriate to a heated debate, sarcastic discussions, venting session when the ventee has given his/her OK ahead of time, or in relationship situations akin to employer/supervisor –> employee/report when the latter has genuinely screwed up bigtime. </p>
<p>Our friends sound very similar. A bossy know-it all who is also inflexible. What did we see in them?</p>
<p>As for the birthday cake-- its DH’s. He’ll probably eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And, his sister got him his traditional b’day pecan pie which apparently is coming home with him as well. Diet starts next week… Plane is about to land, per flight tracker…</p>