<p>In my case, it’s a mix of some commonality in academic interests and a bit of charity as I often act in the older brother role despite the fact he’s older than me. </p>
<p>Also, instead of a brother of your friend asking for your help on her behalf, it was his parents asking and thanking me for being his friend from our college years onward. </p>
<p>Our positions, history, and my distancing means he’s not as much of a emotional drain as he is on two mutual friends who spend much more time and feel much more of an obligation to be his mentor on account of their greater ages and feelings of charity. </p>
<p>My post 59 was in response to yours, bookworm. </p>
<p>Cobrat- Its not like an employer/employee relationship. These are equals- supposed friends. Sometimes friends do vent. Thats ok. But not about the other friend’s kid’s fiancee’s upcoming shower. Thats insensitive and crass.</p>
<p>Well, DH’s plane has landed, and I am off to let my fingers do rthe walking and see what chinese restaurant nearby is open!</p>
<p>And to clarify, people in supervisory relationships should not be critical. Provide guidance, feedback for improvement, etc. Criticism and negativity really is not beneficial in a business or in a social relationship. </p>
<p>Haven’t read the 5 previous pages, and maybe a male view/approach is different, but I think it is very important to surround yourself with positive supportive people. I don’t think you have to break off a relationship with a negative complainy kvetch, but I would definitely cut back on time spent. OK, you don’t want to do x, y, z? Fine, talk to you next week! </p>
<p>DH & I were dumped by very good friends and were given an explanation. (Other couple became fundamentalist christians. Although we are also christians, they were looking at the community they wanted to raise their children in and didn’t want to socialize with people who drank alcohol.) Fair enough. If that hadn’t been said, we would be left wondering what we had done wrong.</p>
<p>On the other side, I stopped seeing a very, very close friend a few years ago. She was always late to any planned get-together, slowing working toward being a no-show. I knew she was having personal health issues so gave her plenty of leeway. Finally, I emailed (best communication with her) my frustration on the no-shows and got… you can guess it… no response. So that was that. Two (3?) years later, just received a short newsy email from her and replied in kind. I’m happy we can at least establish an acquaintance relationship.</p>
<p>Getting to my point now – end analysis is that you’re not likely to change her, yet it’s perfectly okay to decide the relationship is no longer working for you. I see no value in calling her out on her selfishness, although it’s okay to explain (if asked) how the social/dining/family interests don’t seem to be in sync anymore.</p>
<p>Fortunately, this is one aspect my friend doesn’t apply to me very much despite his being older due to my having called him out directly back in undergrad. </p>
<p>jym, I so appreciate this link and your honesty. You have helped me to accept my BGF??? of some 30 years and the in and out with her. as I said in an earlier post, as soon as she heard that our DIL was accepted into medical school I have not heard one word frome her. WEIRD!!</p>
<p>Not going to call (after 1 and then a message left) again. While H and her H claim to be best friends–when I asked H while he did not call his friend tonight he said, “I never think of it”. except we were just talking about it…?</p>
<p>Thanks, oregonmom. Are you “accepting” her as in keeping her as a friend, or accepting that she cannot be what you want her to be and stepping back and letting the cards fall as they may?</p>
<p>I am still wrestling with what to do/say if she calls. That said, IIRC, when I distanced myself from her last time, she didn’t call for a long time. But, a mutual out of town friend (who came in for that birthday party I was ordered to throw) knew how outraged I was with her selfishness and that I was distancing myself from her after the party, probably told the birthday girl, who got the message (well at least back then she did). And since she doesn’t make much of an effort to work at anything, like a friendship, I won’t be surprised if I don’t hear from her. I really think right now that’s just as well. I can tell from listening to what I type that I am still not ready or willing to deal with her. She has that tendency to lecture and tell you what to do when you are (a) not asking for an opinion and (b) she is usually wrong. Last one I recall is when she was dictating how the depreciated value would work on my car after my DH smooshed the side of it. Well, I had just gotten off the phone with my insu co. They told me how they would handle it. I think I’ll listen to them, not her. She still insisted her way was right. Um, no. </p>
<p>I think many men have different expectations for friends than women. As I think of it, I think most of my h’s friends are the husbands of my friends. Though he had a friend from HS and college who ended up moving close to us. They meet for breakfast every few months. The wife has issues, she and I aren’t friends so I know that has impacted their relationship. </p>
<p>I don’t remember who said it but I did once hear the notion that there are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life. I’d say her season is over with you.</p>
<p>I think she has been … jealous (for lack of a better word) that she doesnt have a stable marriage and all that goes with it. Not sure she ever wanted kids, and knowing how self focused she has become, maybe there was a reason. She hangs with her other single/divorced friends. Hope that works for her.</p>
<p>I have a friend I was very close to in HS, and then we grew apart. She and I speak about once a year, which is just right as far as I’m concerned. She was a friend for a reason, and now she’s someone I used to know.</p>
<p>Maybe it will be easier for you to let go (because you haven’t) if you think of it as a separation. For instance, tell yourself, this is a separation of about two years, as if she’d moved to another country, and in that time you will build up your other friendships and make a wonderful life for yourself. And then do that. Don’t spend your time wondering if she’ll call, or predicting how the conversation will go-- you move on yourself. You never know what will happen. Apart from you she might finally meet someone who can handle her and she might change because of it, and then you might have a wonderful friend back in your life. But as of now, no, she moved to the outback in Australia and is unreachable. No need for guilt about the separation. If she really needs you she will find a way back into your life, on your terms. No need to hurt her feelings with a big break up–it sounds like she is already deeply hurt by life and her negativity is how it seeps out of her so she doesn’t explode. There must have been something good about her company at one time or you wouldn’t have been friends with her to begin with? But for now it seems like you both need a break from each other, if only to make new patterns that work better for you. Remember, her pattern with you might not be her pattern with EVERYBODY. Just as your pattern with her is not going to be your pattern with EVERYBODY. Peace to you.</p>
<p>I was just out running errands and saw some necklaces made of fabric. Reminded me of one that I bought when I was with her at an art show. I asked her what she thought of it? She replied “it makes you look like a bird”. I don’t need these kinds of “friends”. She has no tact .</p>
<p>I was at a wedding once and had a new necklace on and wasn’t sure what the stones in it were. I asked my SIL “do you know what these stones are called?” She replied “Cheap!”</p>
<p>yeah, we have been sort of letting that relationship go too… >:P </p>
<p>I don’t get post #74. Why did you ask her opinion if you didn’t want to know what she thought? I have some blunt friends who are very helpful when I want an unbiased, unfiltered opinion. I don’t ask for their opinions when I am seeking affirmation. </p>
<p>Then there is one of my sisters who will say that everything is “great” but who has so many gradations of intonation that she can express a minutely calibrated range of opinion ranging from: “I hate it” to “I love it” with that one single word.</p>
<p>I imagine jym did want her friend’s opinion, but assumed it would be provided in a non-hostile manner. If the friend didn’t like the necklace, she might have said, “I don’t think it suits you” or “I’d rather see you wear XXX.” Saying “It makes you look like a bird” is pretty hostile, IMO.</p>
<p>Nottelling,
If the situation was reversed and she asked me, I’d have been diplomatic and said it wasn’t my taste. There are ways to be honest without being rude. I’d love to tell her she wears clothes that are 3 sizes too small but it’s not polite. If she asked I’d say it might look more stylish if they hung a litte looser. I wouldn’t ask her if she had to use a potato peeler to undress. There is a difference.</p>
<p>**cross posted with VH who is exactly right </p>