<p>Interesting reading the people who limit info to some friends I am a very open person and it took me a long time to understand that life would be happier all around if I edited info to the in laws, they are entirely bossy & critical and full of advice & they keep all the negative stories about anyone & retell them with facts incorrect. I learned long ago to tell them only what I want them to know and avoid anything negative that I could because it would be a permanent judgment against the person involved.</p>
<p>Jym, I know! Texting is so dangerous! The thing is that what happened with the mix up was so benign and I was truly trying to be thoughtful by checking things out ahead of time. She jumped to a conclusion that she was being left out when she wasn’t. It just got to me because that is the kind of behavior that had caused me to withdraw in the first place. Honestly, I really do think that you can’t expect people to change once they get to a certain age. I don’t know why I thought things would be different with her.</p>
I think people become more set in their ways as they age…
I read your OP, jym, and a couple of replies but not all 10 pages.
What I would do is stop calling and initiating and let the friend take the lead. If she doesn’t, then you know you were carrying the relationship by yourself and can feel OK about letting it go. If she does, well there is some expectation that she will come up with something to do, something to say…that she will contribute in some way. And maybe she will.
My friend is like a large ball of yarn. When she is neat in a ball she is appropriate. Then she unravels. Now that she knows that things are not OK she is on her nicest behavior and wound herself back.
She has called 3 times in less than 24 hours. (I was honestly not around) Finally called her back and she could not be sweeter.
I am going to get some distance and will not not not talk about my DIL or med school and tell her so if need be.
If she sounds competative I will ask what she is doing.
When I tell her she is going to be invited in June to S and DIL’s celebration she will immediately tell me they will be on a camping trip and I will just say --what?
I do not care at all if they come but as it is 30 miles from them—just how odd.
jym626–thanks for the post and it sounds like you are in a good place. Wish I could just drop this relationship but it will take at least some time. It was helpful that D just visited their family last week and told me she thinks they are insular and, basically, nuts.
Its a new year- time for a new focus and to leave behind things and people who drag us down. I think your plan is a goood one, Oregon101. I have no other connections with this person- so its not like I will see her at a party or something.
I love caller ID!
Brief update:
I had chosen to simply not contact my friend and its been fine. Its been over a month. Well, I just got a text from her, and she asked to touch base tomorrow (she is going out of town Sunday). I am inclined to just ignore it. Several of you had some great suggestions as to what to say, “oops, busy have to get back to you” type thing. I could text “Busy time- have a nice trip”. But that might re-initiate things which I really don’t think I have any interest in doing. At least not at this point. I have thought about her, but don’t miss any of the negativity and general crankiness. And I fear if I have contact with her I’ll tell her how she made me feel, and knowing her it could launch into a difficult exchange I don’t want to have. So for now I am not responding. Thoughts?
Ironically I was with another friend last Sunday who talked at length about a lost friendship with someone she had been very close with who, after the other person’s MIL died, just basically cut off my friend and told her “things change”. My friend had no closure and feel very sad bu that lost relationship and no sense of what happened.So while I don’t want my old friend to feel the way my friend who I was with Sunday feels, I currently don’t feel a desire to reopen the pipeline of bossy negativity. Should I simply not respond?
I would either not respond at all or respond with “Sorry, busy. I’ll get back to you” and don’t get back to her. Ever.
I vote for not responding at all.
I think this is decision time. If you are not sure if you want contact in the future then ignoring the email ( put it in your deleted so you do not focus on it) would buy you time, and could be final as would " sorry busy". She gave you a day and you do not have to be available at her whim.
If you are clear that you are done you will need to say something more final.
As you know, I ended up sending a goodby email to my “friend”. The decision was sudden for me but the processing has been long and fascinating as I needed distance to see clearly. I mentioned that I had thought about talking with her but knew it would end in an arguement – I knew she would agree with that statement. My message was that friendship’s change…
We had been having conflict for a few yrs and she hated that I began to stand up to her.
It has been over a month and while I miss her once in awhile overall I feel utter relief.
In my case I am sure she knows why things went this way as I talked with her a number of times the past few years.
In a nutshell as to my responsibility, I had become very defensive and edgy with her-- waiting for her next rude awful statement so was acting like my worse self. Sometimes interpreting things she said the wrong way.
Hope I did not high jack!
Do you think that if you talk with her she will address the Christmas situation?
Do you feel she understands the tension or is she so self focused that a final ending would be confusing?
If you email you could comment that “Over the years relationships change and now ours has come to an end”. " we seem to have difficulty collaborating on plans and have moved on in our lives" " wishing you a happy healthy future"…
Just some ideas. The hard part is that she may act clueless, but do not forget that she has no doubt been grousing about your inconvenient plans and suggestions so she just might get it.
Thanks, everyone.
Oregon101 I’ve thought a lot about our comparable situations, and I suspect this
is true for me too. So when I saw her text I thought "oh gosh, now I have to deal with this. " I just reread what she texted me, acknowledging that she knew I was working today. She told me her schedule today (I really don’t care) and then said “maybe touch base tomorrow?” I could take that as a request which I can simply chose to ignore. Its feeling easier at this point , so I feel if I talk to her I’ll feel the way oregon101 did in the quote. There is an event coming up that we have traditionally attended together. I do not plan to contact her about it, but suspect she might contact me.
I discovered that her cousin, who I used to work with many years ago and I like very much, was in town (or nearby) briefly a few weeks ago and they did not contact me to get together. I said hello to her cousin on facebook t when I saw she’d been nearby and said I was sorry I didn’t get to see her when she was here. She replied that she was only in town briefly. There is a part of me that wondered if my friend just didn’t even think to contact me to tell me her cousin would be here. We’ve talked about her cousin frequently so its not like she didn’t remember I was friends with her cousin. I am probably overhinking that-- it just seemed to be one more thing on the “selfish” pile.
So for now I am doing nothing, as I feel “if you don’t kow what to do, don’t do anything”.
I agree that doing nothing right now is the right decision.
Update:
Did not respond to the text, and then missed a phone call from her when I was out a few days ago (yes, am still one of the few who still has a landline). Did not return the call. Just ignoring her calls seems unkind and unfinished, so am considering sending an email (she is heading out of the country today so won’t likely see it til she returns) wishing her well on her trip, but telling her its a busy time, and that I am stepping back from our time together for reasons I have tried to discuss with her previously, but felt my feelings were dismissed or unheard. I am considering adding that we’ve been friends for a long time, but for it to continue, a response of “thats the way I am” will not be sufficient. And will suggest she give it some thought. I am ambivalent about adding the latter part b/c I really don’t know at this point if I have the energy or interest to try to salvage it. Thoughts?
jym, I think just: ‘telling her its a busy time, and that I am stepping back from our time together for reasons I have tried to discuss with her previously, but felt my feelings were dismissed or unheard… suggest she give it some thought.’
Leave out the middle section…let her figure out her next move
I would add something to the effect that you’ve been evaluating your life, that you’ve realized that you need to decrease negativity, and that for whatever reason your friendship had gotten stuck in a cycle of negativity. I’d say that you need some breathing room, and that you’ll reach out to her in a few months after you’ve had some time to think.
I think it is better to refer to the negativity of the friendship rather than pointing fingers at her because if you point fingers at her, she will naturally want to defend herself.
I would just send the “wishing you well on your trip” and leave it at that. Any more and you could end up back where you started.
Agree with MichiganGeorgia. This ship has sailed. Let it go.
I would simply not answer for now and send the email you have thought out the day she is to return. She may very well read her emails while traveling and it is not necessary to create conflict while she is traveling. Also, it gives you distance and a little time to try out different ideas/feeling and future plans.
She has no way of knowing if you are ignoring her or have not seen/heard her messages. After all, she has not made any strong attempt since before the Holidays and so she has NO idea what your schedule is like currently.
I would go with post #154 and leave it at that even when she returns. She could, maybe, possibly take some initiative to see what is up.
As to my situation-- today is day 39/40 and I am so relieved to have ended such a negative relationship.
Still shaking my head at myself. That said, you do seems to be unsure if you are looking for change or an ending…so take some time and try distance out and see if you miss her.
And best thoughts sent your way.
Thanks for the feedback. I like mominva’s suggestion, and suspect that if I even mention negativity she’ll become defensive. I am also unsure if I have any interest in reaching out to her in a few months. I dont want to get into what she does that bugs me as it will be unproductive for both of us.