<p>I have been fed up off and on for years.I felt stuck as our H’s and our kids were close. Now the kids are adults and can take care of their own relationships and the H’s claim to be good friends but talk to each other less than once a year.
We have been very involved and helpful to each other over the years. But it has come with a price that I do not want to pay anymore. </p>
<p>She is sincerely insecure and competative and the flip is that she can be helpful and generous
Just last night in a 3 minute conversation she managed to start comparing my not yet 3 year old G’son to her 4 yr old G’D. I stayed calm and just mentioned the age difference and so on. She let me know that “it takes awhile to get adjusted to the kid’s museum”…? She was not evern there! Sadly, her G’D has something developmental that is off but this cannot be discussed. G’S is simply thriving. It is just exhausting and I know I am not making up the purpose of her comments which is to bolster herself and make sure I know that G’S did not do everything perfectly. Her comments were base on nothing except her needs. D said G’S was not intimidated and did not show a lack of attention to the activities.
I do not even think this way much less deliver such messages. I would have just said how wonderful that the kids got together and so on. Oh, that is what I said! Although D had told me about her concerns for the G’D as thing are not right at all I would never repeat what my D said.</p>
<p>So, if you bothered to read all of this, I am venting and processsing.
I feel that given our ongoing (talk 2-3 times a week) relationship and duration that it would be cruel of me to say the words that I want to end our contacts immediately. When she thought I had not called in a week she was ready for a fight. The funny part was that I had, even leaving a message, and she had waited a week to call me after hearing DIL got into Med school first round. </p>
<p>I have decided to limit contact and that when she does her comparisions and putting my D’s school down and now my DIL down that I will ask her calmly what she is doing. I will try to listen impassionately and will have my list of adjectives in front of me. “I am uncomfortable, offended, feel attacked” etc. My goal will be that in a few months there will be less and less interaction. My guess is that she will push and push and then I will feel it is fair to simply say that friendships change and that while I will wish her happiness always that it is time to end or distance ours.
This way she will be in the driver’s seat and I will not have inflicted a sudden dismisal. </p>
<p>I am porotecting myself as well as her because I want the “chatter in my head” that this relationship creates to end but I do not want it replaced with feelings of guilt that I was unfair or cruel.</p>
<p>I tried to think of what I would guide a client to do in this situation and this is what I have come up with so far.
Not written in stone! But I did not call today and made sure my H gets it that he is to stop answering the phone for me.</p>
<p>You’ve thought it through thoroughly, Oregon101.In my case the contact has been much less frequent, and I have put more effort into it than she has in the past few months. And what little we have had has not been worth it. So I am withdrawing. Its sad, but it isn’t really a loss. Not the way it has been especially of late.</p>
<p>I think it’s pretty clear which way the wind blows when you tell someone that the way they treat you is hurtful and they respond, “That’s just the way I am.” They understand they’re not treating you well but they’ve chosen to continue doing it anyway. I have an ex-sister-in-law who’s like that. Says whatever comes to mind in the spirit of being “honest.” Probably why she’s an ex-. I don’t think there’s a need to formally cut people like that off. It’s kinder to just drift away, especially if they’re local and you may run into them now and then. I just relegate them from “friend” to “acquaintance” status. I think there’s a benefit sometimes to not letting the other person know exactly what you think of them. I cooled things off several years ago with a long time friend because I felt she became a little judgmental and condescending about our lifestyle after putting her DS in an expensive day school. A few years later, a change in income made the school unaffordable and she’s since rethought some of her earlier positions. We’re now on friendly terms (I can be friendly to just about everybody), but it takes a whole lot of effort for someone to make it back over to the “friend” column. Time will tell…</p>
<p>thanks for the support. I know this is not going to be easy. There are SO MANY things I would like to say but as austinput it well–there can be a benefit in not letting the other person know …
If this post keeps going I may enjoy posting different things that have been said but I know I have no claim to saint hood.
I do know that I am kind and not at all competative and often thrown by people who are…</p>
<p>May favorite (now I am being nasty)…“DIL had a great MCAT score but, of course (the rules) I do not know what it is”.
GF–What do you think–
Maybe a 35
GF–well D had that! (she did not as she applied 3 times to get admitted but now is a doc so who cares??
a few days later–asked again–I said, Maybe a 36–??"
GF–OH, D had that!
NO way
So DIL has now told me her score and it was even higher. If I were to engage in telling her this it would just go on and on.</p>
<p>Makes me feel crazy.</p>
<p>Oh! and all of them and their extended family (paid by them) have Patagonia Bubble jackets.
??? Even the 11 year old at $90. And brag about this.
My friends and I shop at the employee Columbia Store and we brag about how cheap we are.</p>
<p>It’s very sad that someone who is supposed to be a friend feels the need to one-up you on the MCAT score, even though her D is already a doctor so the score itself is irrelevant. How sad for your friend. She might be intimidated by you. </p>
<p>Her competitiveness is really unfortunate, oregon101. Maybe in her own unique way she sees it as a way of allying with you? Well, we can dream… :)</p>
<p>I realize that as I became increasingly intolerant of my friend’s know-it-all, inflexible and bossy demeanor, I was less willing to put up with it, and started to challenge it. I was probably less diplomatic than I may normally be. I did draw the line at her back seat driving and told her that if she didn’t like the way I drove that she could do all the driving when we went out together. She has shut up. But I did remind her of that, delicately, when we got together to go somewhere by asking if she wanted to drive or if she wanted me to, each time we went out. Or I’d decline coming to her house and instead just meet her where we were going. </p>
<p>This summer, when I asked her to do me a favor that involved taking my *(%)(#&% BIL and his family to the museum where she volunteers (I would pay for the tix), and she gave me the litany of rules ( e.g. if its after XX time its not worth it… if its after X hr I don’t want to get caught in traffic, etc) I tried to explain, based on 30 yrs of knowing this family who have their own unique concept of time, and have an adult son on the spectrum, that it would be important to be flexible with the time thing, and as my other SIL would be there, if friend needed to leave, SIL#2 could drive them back and I didn’t care if they preferred to stay at the museum til it closed and they missed our dinner that night (though I knew that wouldn’t happen as &^%#% BIL would not miss someone else paying to feed his family). Anyway friend kept throwing up potential problems no matter how I tried to explain how the family operated. Its clear friend is very rigid and cannot handle the need to be flexible. Fortunately DH came up with the brilliant idea that they could all meet at the museum (the family was flying in that morning and could go straight to the museum from the airport). So it ultimately worked out, but not without a lot of aggravation beforehand. Friend got to be queen bee and give the tour of the museum, though I heard later how the younger son was , in her mind, uninterested (he has a severe anxiety disorder) because he didn’t respond to her questions. Its all about her.</p>
<p>jym, I just finished reading the entire thread. Being a bit of an optimist, all I could think of was how wonderful a time you will have at your son’s wedding - without having to deal with her in the slightest!</p>
<p>Didn’t you say that she helped to plan and host your future daughter-in-law’s shower? Well, “helped”? Even if her involvement in the shower turned out to be more of a pain than a help, I don’t see how you can cut her from the wedding invitation list (even though you plan to have little, if any, contact going forward). Don’t you think? </p>
<p>That’s not quite it, nottelling. We live across country from the kids and where the wedding will be. 2 friends of mine decided to host a shower for future DIL while she and her family were here. They asked for names of several friends who might like to help with the shower (and knowing that at the time one of those 2 friends was on a tight budget, I gave them several friends to ask, so as to keep costs down). They all knew that this wasnt a traditional shower in that most would not be invited to the wedding. The big party we threw here that weekend (the day before the shower) was the event they were all being invited to- sort of our “wedding” on this coast. And as I mentioned, this friend was added to the list of who might like to help put it on well after the plans had started. So there is no expectation from any of them that they will be invited to the wedding. Only 3 of the 10 who hosted it are invited (she was one of the 3). But as woody commented, it will be a more fun event without her. She wasn’t cut from the wedding invite list. She is on it. She just whined about how inconvenient it is (distance from the airport, cost of tix to the closest airport, lodging costs, and other complaints). Fine. Don’t come. Its not about her, though she doesn’t seem to get that. And its an outdoor wedding. She would absolutely hate that.</p>
<p>That makes sense; your fab engagement party was akin to the wedding for your generation of friends. She’ll definitely complain about being left out to anyone who will listen. Just think how happy that will make her – she won’t have to go to the wedding that she’d hate but she’ll have something to crab about! </p>
<p>Good point collegealum! You guys are my besties!
And yes, nottelling, she is ON the invite list. Remember- she bitched about why she cant come. GOOD- DON’T COME, PLEASE. DS wants the space , as it is limited, for someone who really wants to be there. She said she could use the $ to buy a nicer gift. That means she’ll maybe spend $50. She is a real cheapskate-- with bad taste to boot.</p>
<p>Just dropped in on this thread but I guess its …validating for me to read that others have grappled with friendship issues at our stage of life. Wouldn’t you think that as we grow older we grow hopefully wiser and less insecure? How is it possible to become worse with age? I have a friend from boarding school who thinks that I’m literally her best friend, and I have distanced myself as much as I can in these past couple of years. Fortunately, we don’t live near each other so its easy to do, although our husbands are very good friends having met originally through us. Her competiveness literally started when we had our first born sons within 18 mos. of each other. Then we had daughters, and its just been 20 years of her judging, giving unsolicited advice, and meddling. I have a sister 12 years older that doesn’t do that to me! This person seems to just get right to my soft spot and I end up filled with self doubt after every exchange. I vent to my husband who gets tired of it and says, “you’re miserable every time! Why do you do that to yourself?” Of course he was right so now I ignore most of her emails and divulge very little about my family life to her so she can’t pick it apart. I know its her insecurity. With two healthy children, plenty of money and a fairly attentive, attractive husband what the hell more does she need? Validation apparently…I feel so much better now that she’s at arms length. thanks for letting me vent!</p>
<p>Jym, one falls away from friends, people for a lot of reason. Just let it go. Sometimes things change for the better, or not. I’m sorry for the reasons it’s happening, and how, but even good friendships can go into a hiatus. I’ve lost touch with some friends, and regained contact later,… and sometimes not. Hugs to you. If you find yourself in my area, I’ll treat you to a lunch, coffee, a visit. I know how you are feeling.</p>
<p>I have been reading this thread with interest because I have been through this several times. The one that really stands out for me is the loss of a friend that I had since childhood. We grew up together and along with my best friend we formed a kind of trio through high school and the college years. We were bridesmaids for each other and were stay at home moms together and would get together often when the kids were babies. Thing is that my other best friend and I were closer to each other than we were to this third friend. After our kids were born this friend became more and more rigid in her thinking and while she had always been a critical person, she got even more so. We began to drift apart and my other friend and I stayed close. It was clear to me that this other friend wanted from me things that I wasn’t good at. She would get mad if i didn’t send a birthday card or a Christmas card, etc. She got miffed if I did something with other fiends without her, etc. We both just let the friendship slide. Well, a few years ago, my H was planning a surprise party for me and contacted her about it. She made it clear to him that she wouldn’t go because we were no longer friends. I was a bit upset that she handled it that way since we had never really ended the friendship so I emailed her and told her that I wished that she had let me know that she considered the friendship over before she told my husband. She said some mean things about me to my H that were untrue and unkind and it got under my skin. Her response was to beg me to get together and talk it out, etc. Try to save the friendship. I really didn’t want to and wished that i had just let sleeping dogs lie after the B-day party. Finally i gave in and we got together and talked for hours. Ironed out a lot of hurt feelings.</p>
<p>So…after that we were fine. Got together now and then for dinner, called each other on birthtdays, etc. Things went along well for about two years. Then, this past summer, I was planning a cookout for the fourth of July. I had a text thread with this friend and my best friend about getting together for dinner but on a private thread to my best friend i asked her if she was available on the fourth of July for my cookout. I was trying to decide whether to invite BOTH couples but wanted to feel out my best friend first because I didn’t think other friend would be comfortable coming if she wasn’t there. Anyway, my best friend replied to me on the group thread by accident and so “difficult” friend thought that the mistake was made because she wasn’t going to be invited and she made a snarky reply to that effect… I was furious! That was exactly the kind of behavior that made us lose the friendship in the first place. She was always suspicious and accusing. I always felt on guard with her and guilty for no reason. In this situation, with the cookout, I was trying to be thoughtful and consider people’s comfort levels and make sure that each had friends at the cookout to sit with. Of course she saw it as a conspiracy.
I haven’t spoken to her since. She sent a Christmas card and i wished her a happy birthday on FB but other than that, nothing.</p>
<p>Sorry for the rant. It probably makes about as much sense as the ramblings of a crazy person. I feel better, though!</p>
<p>It is comforting and validating that we have all been through this. I was feeling some sense of obligation and my DH, who is one to forgive and forget easily is inclined to suggest I suck up the crap for the sake of the friendship . This thread, and hearing myself vent, is confirming that my decision to again step away as I did many years ago, is the right one. I havent heard a peep from her since the grouchy VM a week ago. And I am not planning to call her.</p>
<p>OOPs EPTR. Gotta hate when the messaging backfires. </p>
<p>CPT, if I am back your way I’d love rto meet for coffee. Since my parents are now both gone and the house is sold, not sure when thgat will be. Do you come my way at all?</p>
