When a friendship has run its course- sorry this is a bit long

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I was taught, many years ago, that people who come to you want either sympathy or a solution and if you give them the wrong one, no one is happy. When you just want to vent and your DH tries to fix the problem, you are not happy. In this case, if you spoke to her you either want to vent (sympathy) or you want her to change (solution), the problem is that sh may not be capable of either one. </p>

<p>In the job where I had this training we did a lot of negotiating and were often told, “Don’t say what you want to say, say what the listener can hear” so, we had to ensure we were giving feedback that showed we had listened and understood the other person’s point of view and then say our piece in phrases and words the listener could hear. Not always satisfying, but dang, it worked well!</p>

<p>So, my style in this would be to say nothing and do nothing, no more calls, no more emails, limit her on FB from seeing your posts pop up, but not from seeing your profile, just slowly & quietly withdraw. Why? Because why bother with a big explanation, she likely won’t change, and she won’t listen to your side, so just quietly step away. If she contacts you, your reaction will depend on her timing and contact style.</p>

102

<p>@jym626 this is a great thread, and it is very relevant. I fully support your distancing yourself. </p>

<p>I was watching a re-run of The Big Bang Theory last night where Profession Proton, played by Bob Newhart, had the exchange below with Leonard. I think it illustrates that often we are unable to quantify why we remain friends with certain people. Perhaps once we can qualify the friendship, we realize it’s time to move on. </p>

<p>My bet is your friend has one or more medical issues–I suspect depression, hormonal or perhaps she has always been been some place on the Asperger’s scale but never diagnosed:</p>

<p><a href=“http://psychcentral.com/lib/adult-aspergers-the-relief-of-a-diagnosis/0006706”>http://psychcentral.com/lib/adult-aspergers-the-relief-of-a-diagnosis/0006706&lt;/a&gt;
“They are often physically awkward and socially tactless. They seem to be perfectionists but often live in chaos. They know more about some obscure or highly technical subject than seems possible — and go on and on about it. They may seem to lack empathy, and are often accused of being stubborn, selfish, or even mean. They can also be extremely loyal, sometimes painfully honest, highly disciplined and productive in their chosen field, and expert at whatever they decide to be expert at. They are the Aspies, adults with Asperger’s Syndrome”. </p>

<p>Your friend needs to seek medical assistance, but being stubborn and an “expert” often prevent the undiagnosed Aspies from getting the help they need. </p>

<p>Professor Proton: Can, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Professor Proton: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, uh, you know, because we’re friends.
Professor Proton: Why?
Leonard: Wow, you ask really hard questions.
Professor Proton: Yeah.Leonard: Look, I know he can be aggravating, but what you have to remember is that he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. But he’s also loyal and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Professor Proton: You, you know you’re describing a dog.
Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defence, I came up behind him while he was eating, so…
Professor Proton: Yeah, they, they hate that.
Leonard: You know what, Sheldon is the smartest person I have ever met. And he’s a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him, too.
Professor Proton: Why, why is that?
Leonard: Boy, you will not let this go, will you? Oh, jeez.</p>

103

<p>Great segment, doresearch. thanks.
As for my friend, she may be depressed, but she’s not an Aspie and she is way past the hormonal stage. She’s just, as my late mother used to say, a pill. And even if she is depressed, she’s unwilling to do anything about it. And unlike a dog, she’s not loyal or trustowrthy. But she does bark a lot.</p>

104

<p>Funny…she sounds way too mean to be compared to a dog.</p>

<p>This person would be out of my life…yesterday. Life is too short to spend it with unpleasant people (that you aren’t related to :smiley: ). Sometimes we just keep our oldest friends, not because we like them or have anything in common with them, they are just the oldest. It sounds like this person brings nothing positive to the relationship. I would not even bother thinking about her any more.</p>

105

<p>I have a lot of friends who have drifted out of my life, or I have drifted out of there. No malice towards any (well, maybe one, but that was an intentional break). We just found other things in our lives that took up our time and priorities. Some of them I still like very much but just too much to do and the priority is just not there. So unless there is a specific reason to do an abrupt break, I suggest letting it go and finding other things to do. </p>

<p>I had one dear friend with whom I stayed in touch for years even after we moved. Every time I could get to Chicago, I’d visit with her. Then two or three years ago, maybe four, she got into some transcendental meditation group and then became an instructor/leader, and that was the focus of her life. But I knew nothing about it and had no desire, time or interest to learn, so conversations became less frequent and shorter. She was enthusiastic and heavily involved in something that I did not want to engage in. She died last month, and it’s hit me hard. Her DD called me several weeks after the funeral. I loved her dearly and my memories of our times together will be there, but the last few years we did not have much to say or do with each other. So it goes sometimes.</p>

106

<p>I do have regrets about distancing myself from one long-distance friend. She became increasingly negative and bitter after her second divorce. Then both her parents passed away one year, and left her a LOT of money. She started buying cars, producing records, and partying a lot. She was even arrested for public disturbance. This was a woman who finished second in her high school class and got her MBA after her BS in Industrial Engineering. I found out through a mutual friend that the police found her body in her apartment in Dallas. There were no signs of foul play - I suspect she OD’d on pills or alcohol. She had apparently died many days before. :frowning: She had no immediate family, only distant cousins. I never could find an obituary for her. She was just 50 years old.</p>

107

<p>I had a friend from the days when I was preparing my paperwork to adopt my daughter from China. We were both single moms and spent plenty of time together when our kids were little. We kept in touch when she moved several hours away, and watched her fall apart. I worried so much about her daughter and my daughter (who didn’t like the other girl very much) even proposed that we offer to take the girl in when we spent a day together in NYC. I offered this option to my firend and her daughter and was turned down. A year later, I finally told her that I couldn’t find a way to approve of something she told me about her and her daughter, and I never heard from her again.</p>

<p>A couple of years later, I learned via Facebook that she died of pancreatic cancer. I contacted her daughter to tell her that I was here for her, and to keep my number in her phone. I am facebook friends with the daughter (who was a senior in high school, not living with her mom when she died but with friends so she could finish high school when her mom moved in with her sister in a nearby town) and she seems to be doing ok. I really hope so. I plan to message the daughter and again offer my support. I often think of my friend, a person with whom I was very close for many years, through the craziness of 9/11 in NYC when our kids were in Kindergarten and wonder if I should have tried to be more supportive. But I guess you can’t save everyone. Sorry to hijack, jym, this thread has made me think of the end of that friendship.</p>

108

<p>She’s not a cavalier, busdriver. She’s not affectionate or endearing. And she’s not a pit bull. Maybe more like a basset hound. Doesn’t do much. </p>

<p>Those are sad stories, cpt and ML. </p>

<p>A symbolic gesture- just got holiday cards out belatedly. Didn’t send her one. </p>

109

<p>No worries, Oldmom. That’s what this thread is for. Sharing stories and processing feelings. </p>

110

<p>“She’s not a cavalier, busdriver. She’s not affectionate or endearing. And she’s not a pit bull. Maybe more like a basset hound. Doesn’t do much.”</p>

<p>Affectionate, endearing, snoring, honeybadgers, in my case. Does a basset hound complain and howl loudly? Or is it a beagle that has the loud mouth?</p>

111

<p>Bassets howl and snore and are slovenly and slobbery. Our beagle chewed books and ran away. My cavalier slept on my neck and snored loudly. But he was a gem- low maintenance (till he got sick :frowning: ) and a sweetheart. She (friend/ex-friend) is high maintenance and a PITA.</p>

<p>Just passed a neighbor who is fostering a Great Pyrenees (or as her Dh said- “rent-to-own” since they may adopt it. But they have rescued and returned other dogs. Wonder if you can do that with friends?</p>

112

<p>100 bottles of beer on the wall…</p>

113

<p>“Wonder if you can do that with friends?”</p>

<p>Of course, they probably wouldn’t find anyone to take her, wouldn’t be legal to put her down, and you certainly wouldn’t get your money back!</p>

114

<p>Good thing she doesn’t need to be spayed/neutered. :-bd </p>

115

<p>Just saw this and wanted to say that I’m glad you can joke a little now because it seems that you’re already in a better frame of mind about the situation. You’re clearly a good person and deserve to be treated better by your friends. I’m sorry that someone with whom you have a shared history wasn’t a better friend to you.</p>

116

<p>Yeah, I guess she was a bit of a bbbb … female dog 8-} </p>

117

<p>I posted early on about a difficult GF of 32 years. I have made a decision that the next time there is conflict (really? who fights with a GF? If I wanted to that I could call my sisters) that I am going to ask to agree to a 6 months time out. If she does not agree then I will tell her that I am taking that time and will call her then and see if there is anything left.
When she is nice she is verry nice and when not really not–
What is that nursery story?</p>

118

<p>There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.</p>

119

<p>Yes! That would be her…</p>

120

<p>I’ve decided to take the tack that the healing starts now. I have distanced myself now. Why wait for another conflict, oregon101? You sounded as fed up as I am.</p>