@swimcatsmom You made me laugh. We face this lack of set plans or last minute changes all the time with my in-laws. In their case, I think it’s a family attitude (? not the right word exactly) instead of generational. This year, we were asked if Thanksgiving Day and the weekend before Christmas worked for us back in October. My own extended family is far flung and we do a family meal in early November, so both dates were fine for us and our children. The Thanksgiving get together changed to the weekend at short notice and I’m not sure why. At the last minute, Christmas also changed to Christmas Day due to weather and other issues.
We could be flexible but we do have a large dog to board and no way to get her into a kennel at the last minute on the major holidays. Not to mention boarding her unnecessarily for the original dates as we’d already dropped her off by the time things changed. There’s just no room for a 75 lb old dog in a tiny house with 30 family members. It makes me crazy every year, but I too step back and let H deal with his family. They’re not going to change their ways just because I don’t like it. MIL really wants to have everyone there, and although we have opted out many times when it just doesn’t work, we realize this isn’t likely to last many more years.
I’m glad you’ve found a way to avoid at least some of the drama.
My son works at a pizza place so he doesn’t get lots of time off and doesn’t come for long for holidays. He does let me know as soon as he figures out his schedule. At Christmas he surprised us by coming early. He had said he was going to drive over Christmas morning (he’s about an hour away). He decided to head over afrer he got off Christmas Eve. Which was great. And we knew his Thanksgiving plans well in advance too. I’d be annoyed if he didn’t let me know at least somewhat in advance.
My husband’s family is quite small, with the younger generation consisting three cousins (including our daughter) who are close in age. I tend to be the home base/cook and H’s clan has come for years. Now that the cousins are adults and living all over the place we are either together for Thanksgiving or Christmas, switching holidays every year when the two that are married go to their in-laws. We have two docs and one consultant, all of whom get very limited time off. As their lives became complicated we let them take charge and sometime during the fall they discuss their schedules and figure out when we can all see each other. The first babies are on the way and while I hope we can still pull this off I realize it is likely that changes are coming soon. I feel for the OP. It is always difficult to adjust to the new normal.
One thing I will say is that when we started having the “kids” work out when we will gather it seemed like they actually worked harder to make it happen. We also made it clear that while it would be lovely to see one another on the 25th, any day would work.
We have a tough time getting firm dates from our kids too. I have taken to baking dental and optometrist appointments while I think they’ll be in town and let them make changes if they won’t be here on their appointment date, reminding them there will be a penalty if they don’t show up.
Good point, @Elleneast. I let the girls decide and organize the xmas plan and we ended up in front of D1’s fireplace, potluck, a sort of secret santa. Of course, it took me trying that over bdays and the recent Tday, to get it to work. Thanksgiving failed, this year. But Xmas worked.
I’m not quite through reading this whole thread, 2 more pages to go! but there are so many things to respond to!
To VaB, I can feel your pain and would feel very hurt if either my S or D stated that they were never going to spend Christmas with me again. I hope your S softens his stance over time.I think it would be possible to lovingly tell them in some way that as they build their lives with their spouses I would like to try to find some time to build some traditions that include us, whether that be another holiday- thanksgiving, pre or post christmas and/ or a family vacation tradition. And not out of guilt but because we just enjoy spending time with our kids and want to be included in their lives. I think it is possible to do that and be flexible and allow compromise without being overbearing and demanding. I would say something like, “Dad and I would like to plan some holiday and or vacation time with you and SO, what works for you?” Also, as others have stated I think young families should try to establish their own at home traditions and I would be more than happy if I was included in those plans at their homes.
I can’t imagine insisting that my family take precedence over my H’s family, we always tried to consider both families and make things fairly equitable. We were lucky that we got along with both sides and we both enjoy spending time with each other’s families. My kids have great memories and relationships with both our families.
Re: posts #227 and 228, my parents recently moved into a retirement facility close to where I live and they now spend Christmas at my home and my brother and sister and BIL come here also. My parents would never travel here at Christmastime because we live in MI and they didn’t like the winter travel. It has actually been so much nicer to have them here. The last few years at my parent’s house were difficult because my mom had difficulty relinquishing control of her kitchen and other tasks but really wasn’t up to managing it all on her own. There was lots of drama. At my house she can relax and just enjoy being with everyone without having the burden of having to do any of the work.
I’m hoping my kids have strong enough happy memories of holidays and vacations with us that they will want to continue some of that as they build their own families, time will tell, we’re not quite there yet.
swimcatsmom, I have the same problem with people committing to a date, only it’s my 50-something siblings. I don’t care what day it is, as long as we know in advance so we can arrange work schedules, dog-friendly hotel, and for the moment, S1 has been willing to fly out from CA. Two of the five of us live in the same town as my dad, one is four hours away, but for one of my sisters and me, it’s a full day drive (12 hours for us). As the cousins all launch into adulthood, not everyone is going to be able/want to be there. We almost didn’t go this year. I really wanted to stay home, enjoy S1 and celebrate Hanukkah at my kitchen table instead of in a motel.
This was the first year that one of my D’s didn’t come home for the holiday. We were all together at Thanksgiving at least but it made me sad and I hope this isn’t the new normal. She admitted that she was rather sad too, once the holiday came and she knew that the rest of us were all together. We did skype for Hanukah together every night which did seem to be meaningful to all my kids (and hugely so for me). None of mine are in significant relationships at this point but this was a true reminder that the kids are growing up and life is changing…
I do think that, if my kids settle in different places and/or settle with spouses for whom Christmas is significant and they elect to be with their in-laws, I would do my best to find another date, whether it was close to December 25 or not, that we all agreed to be together.
Way back when, Dh’s older sister worked for a company that paid triple for those who worked on Thanksgiving so he grew up having Thanksgiving on the Friday after. That, combined with the fact that we’re Jewish and Hanukah is 8 nights long and the dates move each year, means that being together on a specific day or date isn’t nearly as important as making sure we’re all together at some point.
Wondering if OP has any new perspective, after these posts.>>>>>>
The only thing for certain is that next year I’m going to “do” Christmas on Christmas for whoever is here. All out. Like always. I made a huge mistake thinking we could put it off to a later date.