Our S leaves tomorrow. The thing the softens it a bit is knowing we will be in DC in May and see him. We may also see him and D in SF in March. D is still here for at least a few more weeks, which also helps. We will also see both of them in July in Honolulu for my niece’s wedding–D will be a bridesmaid!
Our kids have been away from our house since 2006/2009 so we’ve gotten mostly used to it.
DH and I were the ones who traveled to visit parents over the holidays and when our kids were past toddlerhood, we decided to stay home and visit them after Christmas or not. It was time to start our own family traditions and I hope my children are blessed to have with their future families what we’ve had with ours. It still won’t be easy for us when that happens.
I think we can all understand that feeling. Maybe I just inferred it, but I thought someone mentioned that if the kid didn’t come to them, they probably just wouldn’t see each other. That is what I responded to. Of course, it’s much easier to have Ds at my house. I’m all for staying on my couch in my comfies if I can pull that off. But now D visiting also means SO visiting as well (with a few rare exceptions), so by that virtue alone, visits for D are no longer “seamless” (or for us for that matter)in the way they were when she was in her early college years. Also, we no longer live in the family home; this house is very nice, but for D, probably not striking the cord of “coming home” so strongly.
Life comes in phases, and change is usually a part of each one. Change can be scary and unsatisfying, at least for a while.
Eventually, the place where Mom and Dad live isn’t home anymore.
This can happen rather quickly if the young person acquires a significant other, if a divorced or widowed parent remarries, or if the parents move to a new place. But even if Mom and Dad stay in the same house and the young person is single, eventually Mom and Dad’s place isn’t home anymore. The place where the young person actually lives is home.
My son is 30 and single. He spent 5 days with us during Christmas week. We all felt reasonably comfortable, even though we hadn’t seen each other in a year, but he was definitely a guest. Our house isn’t his “home” anymore. His home is on the other side of the country, where he has an apartment and a career and hobbies and friends. And that’s as it should be.
Ha, you reminded me of when it was on an ongoing daily basis, and it wasn’t all puppies and unicorns. I wish I could merge her living under my roof of yesteryear with her much-improved disposition of today. 
One of the great ironies of life is that if we’re fortunate, our children become people we’d like to spend all our time with only when they’re adults and have moved away from the childhood home.
SIL will be experiencing a different Christmas next year. Both of her adult daughters will be getting married and their respective fiancés have mentioned spending next Christmas in their hometowns. SIL’s house has been the destination for the entire extended family for the last 30 yrs. except for the one year she had an argument with her in laws and booked a cruise.
Well S just left this morning to fly 5000 miles back to his rented condo. We will miss him but we’re glad he was able to stay with us as long as he did. It was a great visit and I’m glad he and D and we all got along great.
I can fully appreciate the feelings of wanting them home. Unfortunately for me that will never happen because I’m now divorced and I moved 500 miles back to my home state. I’m starting to create a new life for myself and it includes extended family that my kids are close to. I loved all of our traditions and having the kitchen filled with the kids and their friends. I’ve had to move on from this. I enjoy visiting my kids and tell them I’ll do it as often as I can if it works for them.
@HImom, what on earth kind of job does your DD have that she has weeks off at a time?! How nice!
D is medically disabled and has never been healthy enough to ever hold a full time job yet. We hope to one day get her healthy enough and have had her treated by many MDs Throughout the US. She is able to and does part-time gigs when her health permits. She can rest here as well as in the room she rents 2500 miles away.
My son and DIL flew back to spend Xmas with us while my D hosted her in-laws on the opposite coast. Since we live across the country from them, they can’t really spend a few days before or after Xmas with us and share part of the holiday with their in-laws. So we alternate years; my S and DIL spent this year with us and my D and her family will come next Xmas. Yes, we may never be able to spend Xmas with S and D’s families together but we spend many family dinners together when we go visit them in the east coast, just NOT on Xmas or Thanksgiving.
Life is in constant change, children grow up, leave home, get married, have children and all of us have different obligations at different stages in life. If you are not willing to adjust and adapt,roll with the punches, then you will face many disappointments including push-backs from your children and their spouses.
Yes, absolutely we will visit. But I remember saying those very same words when I moved her into her freshman dorm in August of 2013. Had visions of visiting at least a couple of times each year. In reality, that didn’t happen. Work, aging parents, health issues, community commitments, her exam schedules, even winter weather cut down the opportunities for visits. I will definitely try to plan more visits although that is already looking tough for 2017 as I will most likely be making a job change which could again, make traveling difficult for the first 6 months or so. Also, H really doesn’t like NYC so I anticipate making most of the trips by myself, which is fine. Easier, actually.
This is exactly how I am feeling today. It really hit home this holiday season, that we may end up no where near S or D. Right now, S is 2 hours from us in San Diego and while he wants to stay in CA, he hasn’t yet decided where. D will be starting her adult life in NYC but says she doesn’t want to settle there. Time will tell where each will end up. But regardless, I’ve given myself a couple days to be mopey but that’s it. Sunday is the start of 2017. Onward and upward…
Yes, we do go visit our two D’s. We are fortunate that they both live in a great, but not the same, city.
D1 owns her own place in Manhatten. She was out bid on three different two bedroom places. Finally, after extreme frustration for her, she found two places she was considering making an offer on. A two bedroom or a one bedroom with a very large terrace. She asked my opinion and I asked her if she preferred outdoor space or another bedroom
( hoping of course that she wanted the second bedroom!!) She said outdoor space. Sigh. I told her, there is your answer. So now we visit a lovely 19th floor one bedroom apartment with a hugh private outdoor terrace with some lovely views. But we sleep on a couch in the living room. AND, it is her home. Our house is not her home anymore.
When we visit other D, we stay in a hotel.
Helpful thread, it has really made me think - i wish it had been here a few years back. Might have prepared me and made me think a little and not go through some holiday angst.
In our case being the parents of a daughter has certainly not make us the default place for Christmas. My SIL has divorced parents and a large extended family and does at least 4, sometimes 5, different Christmases with different elements of his family. We had assumed at first they would somehow alternate but were fine doing it a different day. The main problem was getting them to actually decide on their plans. She completely leaves the plans up to him and he procrastinates. All we wanted was to know more than a few days in advance so we could make our plans (we have no other family near and it’s a little depressing for it to be just the 2 of us). It was already becoming a source of stress because we didn’t want her to think we didnt want to spend Christmas with them but the not knowing till the 11th hour was driving me crazy - it culminated in one particular year where they invited us for Christmas dinner several weeks before so we planned around that (were leaving the day after to visit our son who lives 1200 miles away and has been scheduled to work 5 if the last 6 Christmases). 3 days before Christmas they decided they were going to His Dad’s and said we could do it the next day even though they knew we were leaving town. We were both pretty upset to be honest (I came to CC to vent and you all talked me down off the ledge so to speak).
We finally just decided to proactively make our own plans for actual Christmas and celebrate with them sometime after. Went to Vegas last year and had a blast then did the same this year after we got an offer of really nice comped rooms. It has worked out really well (though Unfortunately had to put off the Christmas plans with them for this weekend as H came down with strep on our return - apparently “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” does not apply to strep - i think I may have it now 
)
It has taken a lot of the stress out of Christmas by changing our expectations. Though we always were willing to be flexible, we did want to know plans which was like pulling teeth (generational maybe?). Now we have learned to just make our own plans for the day and have spent some fun quality time together.
When I started grad school, I bought my high school home. It was within commuting distance of my university and my mortgage is roughly equivalent to what a 2 bedroom apt would run in my uni’s town.
My parents moved 4 hours away.
I have never felt like a guest in my parents’ home even though I’ve never officially lived there. But I moved a LOT growing up so “home” has never really been the physical structure but the people and things in it.
It would be very strange to me to feel like a guest in my parents’ home (and vice versa).
S and family came on the 27th. That was fine and good. But, like swimcatsmom, the lack of definite planning
Is kinda nuts. We never know until a day or two before when, what time, and often do not know how long they will stay until I make a point to ask.
The up is that they have forced me–an inflexible type–to just go with the flow.
I plan meals that are good any time.
In the end, just happy to spend some time with them.
If I am perfectly honest a couple of days is just wonderful and enough.
We see them in very short bouts about 4-5 times a year.
I wish and wish my kids would be in this city and come over for a few hours at a time.
Not going to happen with S, still do not know about D.
Visits are much more intense than stopping by for a few hours.
In fact, we have a friend D who is like a D to us. She and her baby and the H stop
by every week or so. To eat, to hang out. It is so nice–we have fun and then they leave.
Much more relaxing.
Wondering if OP has any new perspective, after these posts.
@romanigypsyeyes …same with my parents. In every new home they had, I never felt like lime a guest. I was very relaxed. Probably helped they had all their same furniture and stuff and welll…they were my parents.
I don’t think so. D1 lives within miles of me and D2 lives with me. We make plans days ahead, if not weeks, when we want to get together.
When our kids get older, they have to juggle SOs, jobs, friends, family. As someone who has been there and done that (and all CC parents), I prefer to have set time every year to get together with my family for holidays. It is easier to make plans, and that may include going away for the holidays. I would hate to wait around for my kids or anyone just so I could have few hours with them. Glad to hear @swimcatsmom has decided to have her own plan on Xmas day rather than waiting around for her D.