I understand how Christmas is different as well as everything else when it concerns our children.
My D2 left today to go back to her life. D1 and partner left yesterday. I get into such a funk when they leave. Why? At least we were together for most of the holiday. D2 was not here Christmas morning ( was with partnerner’s family), but was here for the evening dinner. D2 is new in her relationship ( about a year). But if it continues, there is no way the day can be split. S just split with his gf of 3 1/2 years. ( contribution to my funk).
I get so down because I never know when I will see my D’s again. It will definitely be months. How many is in guestion.
I know this is life. And I am so happy if they are happy. But I just get so down.
I go into a deep funk,too. It almost feels hormonal. It’s tough to pull out of. Exercise would probably help if i wasn’t such a load.
Just commiserating,
Same here @morrismm@LasMa@sax my D left this morning to go back east. Her life is back there now. She will graduate from Lehigh in May and move to NYC where her new job and boyfriend are located. This goodbye today was harder for me than the last ones. We will see her at graduation but it may be a while before she is out here again. I was blue all day…And the irony is not lost on me that 33 years ago I made a similar move when I left NYC for California. I’m now realizing how my mother felt all those years ago…
Could some of you visit them at in-between times? Even if just a quick trip. One of mine now lives nearby, but is seriously thinking of 1500 miles away. She asked what I’d do and I said I’d come visit. I know it’s not always easy. But it is some of the give and take we’ve been talking about.
Wow, one little question. So many,many thoughts and emotions.
Hah, I just erased one long winded, very personal response to that question as i was working through the answer.
Short, brutally honest and totally raw answer. ( Imagine a 2 yr old stomping their feet) Yes We can visit him. But I don’t want to. It’s not the same. I want him here, I want him building his life here with his family and friends. He belongs here. We all need him to be whole. He is getting too entrenched there. Too comfortable.
Hahahaha. Feels good to say that. Of course, that’s the 2 year old me. And other than that paragraph, you would never know i felt that way. He will never, ever know. I can give and live the perfect adult response. And I do. But darn, it makes for some sad days when he leaves.
And @SyrAlum we also left home 37 years ago and caused my own mom plenty of sad days. Of course, I didn’t really get it…until now.
@sax…I totally get it. I am always glad when the boys date someone from my home state, chances are their family is here, too and more likely they’ll stay close. Of course I know that’s completely selfish and that doesn’t stop people from moving…but I do think it helps. I would never repeat that to them.
Although I would visit, it would feel off. When my parents or MIL visits, nobody is/was as comfortable as when we would visit them. It’s like it made sense and it was the natural order of things. We would all relax more. I have had others express that feeling and they just visit their parents, not vice Versa, so I know I wasn’t crazy.
Exactly @conmama , it would feel off. I feel like when we visit he is forced to stop / disrupt his life and fit us into it. When he comes home he slips in seamlessly. His sister builds her vacation days around him as does his best friends. Then they congregate here where I have enough food and drinks to supply a small army. You know, like it used to be.
So if my kid said he wasn’t coming home again i would feel as if I would always be interrupting him with a visit. @VaBluebird is probably feeling that already and it stinks.
@sax …I’m so glad someone else feels the same way. When my parents/ MIL visit that’s how I feel. I have to stop my life and it really just doesn’t work well and unfortunately I become grumpy. They don’t seem as happy and I’m sure not. When it’s vice versa, it just works seamlessly as you said. Not that there we revert back to childhood, but there is an ease that can’t be replicated. I’m sure others feel the same.
There is a clear line between expressing the expectation that kids remember their parents on birthdays and holidays, and being a demanding, over-bearing parent. I don’t think my kids would consider it a burden to remember my birthday, but also consider it a responsibility of being a family member. I would not expect my kids to drop everything to help me, but would want them to be there in case of an emergency. They certainly saw us care for my parents when they got older and I think the message that family members help each other got through. They also saw that my parents babysat when they were still able to and otherwise helped out.
My in-laws are the opposite: didn’t expect any help but didn’t offer any either. They were very hands off with their kids and grandkids (even the ones that lived in the next town). Mine were more hands on and giving, but also had higher expectation for us to spend time with them and to help them out. It is a challenge to strike the right balance.
I would like to live close to at least one of my kids (preferably one with kids of their own), but not sure that will happen. Hopefully, will have the good health and money to visit them.
Not quite there yet with my kids, but interesting to hear everyone’s perspective.
@morrismm - Did your daughters not go far away to school? My ds is still a college student, and between a spring break trip with friends and summer employment, I went seven months without seeing him. I’m used to not seeing him. He’s 1,800+ miles away most of the time. Maybe the adjustment is less for those whose children have already been further from the nest??
I am neither very sentimental nor nostalgic, so that probably works in my favor.
From a practical standpoint, I did have a friend with three children (I only have one) explain to me that holidays are much easier to get the entire family together because everyone is off work at the same time. As an only myself with an only, the challenge of having the siblings all together had simply never occurred to me.
One of my kids went to our state university, less than an hour’s drive from home. The other went to a school much farther away but returned to our metropolitan area for her first job.
You might think that these circumstances would lead to at least one of them settling in the area where they grew up. But it didn’t happen that way. We’re on the East Coast. One kid is now living in Colorado, the other in California.
My D lives halfway across the country (16 hour drive, few hours by plane), and I go to see her whenever I can. I don’t understand being willing to forego seeing my child because it’s not “comfortable” for me. When I have visited my D, I have made it clear that she is not required to stay with me every minute and entertain me. If she has work to do, she does it. I either hang out and read, go for little excursions to explore the area, take a walk, etc. I really enjoy visiting her, now that I think about it. Even though it’s not my home base, it beats letting our visits become more and more rare. Who knows what the future holds, and for how long I’ll be able to travel like that? Carpe diem.
I wonder if the kids coming home is actually as “seamless” to them as we imagine, particularly for the kids who have been away for four years or more. I love my parents, but living with them for short visits wasn’t always a piece of cake every minute once I’d been on my own for awhile. I think it would have been even more so had I moved across country in a basically permanent manner. If I’m being honest, sure, I wish D would move back here, but I don’t see it happening. Guess that’s the risk you take when you allow your kids to go far away to school. It opens their horizons to many things, geography among them.
@sax@conmama It makes perfect sense to me. When my parents used to stay with us, they felt like visitors. They had to be attended to and entertained. When D visits she feels like one of us. We do plenty of stuff that’s entertaining, but it’s also fine to leave her on her own.
I am happy (?) to see that others share my funky sadness - misery loves company, I guess. I have an only child, a D, who is now one of my closest friends, and who has her own life about 600 miles away. She just got engaged, and we love her fiancée - in fact, they both spent Christmas with my extended family. I am so glad they were here but I can see the handwriting on the wall: from now on we’ll be alternating Christmases with her in-laws.
My inner two-year-old is mad and sad and pouty. My outer fifty-some-year-old is understanding but subdued. Yes, I want her to have her own life, but I just really really wish that life was down the street and not a plane-ride away.
Sax, I was raised to value tradition, as was DH. We’re as tied to it as anyone. In some respects, I’d wager, more. DH’s family was southern, some things always had to be the same.
But in my family, also adventure, expanding. I can’t imagine being uncomfortable visiting my kid in a new place (or a city I knew.) We’re in the northeast and I encouraged D1 to consider CA or DC. Or NYC. She’s intrugued by Austin. After college, she lived in a 3rd world country. We texted, emailed, skyped…and visited her. The bonds are what matter, not just the physical proximity. For us.
Each phase of their lives is new growth. And the same opportunity for us. In our family, spreading our wings is also tradition.
If I gave the impression i wouldn’t travel to see my kids i didn’t mean to.if I gave the idea i was uncomfortable i didn’t mean to. I was just being honest when saying i would so rather have them come home to all of their friends and family that miss them. They could see everyone, hang out with everyone and not be just stuck with having to entertain me and me alone.
And it’s okay that they feel comfortable moving away. We certainly raised them to live their own lives and to go in any direction they want.
But it’s also okay to know in my heart that I love it when they come home.
I guess I just hate the feeling of disrupting their lives even for a bit. They certainly never make me feel this way. It’s entirely me internalizing my own insecurities.
Oh well, I’ve shared more than I ever expected to, as usual.
I also don’t think we can compare our parents being uncomfortable. Especially, if their vists were dependent on us, house-bound unless we made plans or drove them. Many of them are a different mindset.
" it would feel off. I feel like when we visit he is forced to stop / disrupt his life and fit us into it. When he comes home he slips in seamlessly. His sister builds her vacation days around him as does his best friends. Then they congregate here where I have enough food and drinks to supply a small army. You know, like it used to be."
I relish and cherish these moments, too, now. But, they are just moments. If your young adult child was back home, it wouldn’t be this way anymore. This just happens now on those visits because everyone knows it is a special time and fleeting. I don’t think it can be recreated on an ongoing basis, right?
