Nor am I, with yours. Our closeness sounds similar, in fact.
And I think this is a difficult thread, hard to describe emotions and the compromises we make, in life.
Reading this thread is making me really appreciate my (grown) kid! She recently moved 1000 miles away; she and her boyfriend entertained and hosted us for a week in October when we went to visit. For Christmas she took a week unpaid vacation time to fly home and be with us for Christmas. 
Love her no matter what, but it is really nice to know she wants to spend time with us as well.
The reason I said it is important to have similar family values is if their SOs think it is a bother to celebrate xmas, birthdays, thanksgiving, and other major life events with family then there may be a lot of frictions in their future. Before people start jumping all over this, it is not because I would be putting pressure on them to be there, but because they would want to be there.
I have three “newly budding” adult children who all have very significant others (one married, and two in long-term relationships). This thread (and many other threads on CC) have really helped to keep me focused on what’s important - maintaining good relationships with my beloved kids and their spouses/significant others. Life changes and my husband I want and need to adapt - my in-laws did it for me and I will do it for my children. In keeping with this thread, my husband and I just rented a beach house for a week in September and invited everyone down at our expense - Lord, don’t make me petty or demanding. I love my kids and I love their partners and that is my primary focus and I hope that I can remember that - I’m REALLY looking forward to grandchildren and want to stay on everyone’s good side.
I am all for gender equality and my DH is on board with much of that. However, he is not good at remembering family birthdays, making plans, or keeping in good touch and neither are his brothers. I like his family and have developed good relationships with my sils. He was very good to my parents when there were around, but not much of a caller. I don’t think the you do yours/I’ll do mine would work in this case.
@partyof5 , you asked why MIL was allowed to control the holidays each year. Well, it’s a complicated answer, but basically you hit the nail on the head – guilt and conflict-avoidance. Also, DH and I are both the oldest children in our families and it’s in both of our natures to make personal sacrifices for the benefit of family. And she didn’t always get her way – she just tried to make everyone miserable when she didn’t.
I know, things would have been different if we stood up to her more firmly and sooner, but it didn’t just start when we were married. My DH was raised and shaped by her controlling and dysfunctional behavior. She had moments of niceness in between the cruel and controlling. Hopefully, she’s an extreme example and few people have had to deal with the likes of her.
That said, I got concerned for OP when she spoke about “a knife to the heart” and started wondering, however gently, about whether the girl’s family knows or cares about the pain being experienced by the mother of the boy. Unless checked, it could lead toward an unpleasant path. You see, MIL never thought of herself as self-centered, unreasonable, or cruel – even though both her sons, both her DILs and even her grandchildren (despite our efforts to shield them) ultimately felt that way. She saw herself as aggrieved; she created and then dwelt on pain. She would focus on facts and aspects that supported her cause and would ignore others that didn’t serve her arguments. For example, as I mentioned, she would count up hours that we’d spend with her versus time spent with my family. The numbers were supposed to be about equal. When comparing time spent with respective families, she didn’t separate time spent driving to and visiting grandparents in a nursing home – that counted for my side. She didn’t consider that visiting her side meant catching up with her, FIL and BIL, and later, BIL’s family of 4. On my side, I had up to 25 people (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews) to catch up with, half of whom lived out of state and I only saw them once or twice a year. If we spent an overnight at my parents’ lake house, that counted as 24 hours (even though a number were spent sleeping). It’s really hard to catch up with that with day trips. MIL agreed with my arguments and changed that calculation methodology AFTER my parents sold their lake house and my inlaws started inviting us to week-long summer getaways at a rented cottage. I’m just pointing out that it’s easy to get myopic when creating a tit-for-tat analysis of who spends time with whom. My inlaws got TONS of time with my kids, because they would ask to pick up our kids and take them on outings of one type or another on weekends. They almost always wanted the kids only (not inclusive outings that involved DH and me) and we usually allowed it – even though it was a sacrifice for me. I worked very long hours during the week and craved time with my kids / family on weekends. MIL should have recognized and appreciated these opportunities, but (a) this time spent with the kids didn’t count toward the family visit calculations and (b) she spent more time complaining about the few times we said “no” to her requests. My advice – don’t try to compare because there will never be a fair apples-to-apples comparison. You are wise to recognize that there are other perspectives. There may also be factors and intangibles that you are not aware of. Relationships are not built to be measured and equalized. Instead, focus on the good. Treasure the opportunities you have together, whatever they are, and find ways to expand on them in a mutually enjoyable way.
DH is so generous and helps considerably with entertaining, etc. However, he just doesn’t call, buy, etc. for his family. He hates it for some reason, and is always appreciative when I do it. My sons call in my birthday and once in awhile get me flowers or one would come home, but I can tell already they don’t really enjoy doing this stuff. One DH called, but never sent a card or anything…but they have no issues buying tons of stuff for their GF’s.
I would agree, when entering marriage it’s really important to meet the family and understand their traditions and values. Chances are children follow along the path of their family unless they make a decision to be different. So it might be normal for one family to pull out all the stops and everyone under the planet flies home (aka - my family at thanksgiving) and it may be just as normal for another family to be okay doing Christmas on whatever day is convenient, or keep it small, etc. I’ll just say holidays are very important to my d - she is rekindling a relationship with her hs boyfriend (another topic for another day) and her comment was - at least his parents live close by, we could invite them for thanksgiving and we could always have it here.
I’d be more hurt by the announcement of never again will you see me at Christmas. Even if I opened a canned ham and beans and didn’t buy presents, it would hurt my feelings that the other persons family seemed to matter more than me.
I have tried to get my sons, once they were old enough, to give something for both my and DH’s birthdays and for Christmas. After all, they still expect gifts for their own birthdays, so they should reciprocate once they are adults. Not above using a bit of guilt and lots of reminders. Doesn’t have to be expensive, it truly is the thought that counts, but has to take some time and energy. I want them to understand how to be thoughtful about gifts. I was pleased when one of them said he enjoyed giving as much as receiving for the holidays.
That may change as time, distance, and other family members intrude. But for now, it is a skill worth learning (IMO).
@mom2and …I feel the same way. They had always done something until a couple years ago. They always called, but the first time neither bought a card or had something little, I let them both know how I felt. I even have a thread here about it. I told them it hurt my feelings, and parents are people, too. We are extremely generous with them and how I felt a bit taken for granted. You can find that thread somewhere in a search. There were opposing views. The next year there was something, but this year nothing from either other than a phone call. I didn’t say anything, maybe I should again. It makes me just wonder if this is a guy thing. I speak in generalities…I know of course some guys always remember. But I think there is some truth to cliches.
I guess I do get calls, I’ve expressed my opinion and feelings in the past, and they are very respectful towards us. So, maybe I should just count my blessings.
Exactly. Family dynamics which have been going on for decades seem to get played out at the holidays. If an adult child was raised in a family where Mom’s bullying/manipulation has controlled the family since his earliest childhood, it’s going to be tough for him to suddenly stand up to her when he’s 25. Not that it can’t be done, but it’s not as easy as urging him to just tell her No. There’s a lifetime of emotion, and assumptions about how families work, behind his reticence.
And if you think old family patterns come to the surface at the holidays, just wait until a parent gets elderly or sick, or passes away. Whatever the ancient conflicts between parents and children, or among siblings, they rear their ugly heads with a vengeance at that point.
…A perfectly choreographed dance…until it isn’t. Then everyone has to learn new steps and boy, oh boy, do people work hard at getting everyone back into their usual steps.
Now that everyone has electronic calendars and can easily set reminders for important events there is no excuse to forget . Procrastinators can also set up a yearly flower / or whatever delivery with the local shops.
You can probably get ECHO or Alexa or whatever to do it for you !
I have told both my kids that. It will do them well in their lives to always be thoughtful of those they care for.
Conmama, I would feel badly about that and not sure what I would do. But I would express my disappointment. No excuse for not at least sending a card. They probably procrastinated and forgot, but I would mention that I remember by using an electronic calendar and that they can set it up to remind them a few days in advance. I would also bug my DH to remind them that mom really likes it when then send something for her birthday (or, if nearby, come and take you out for dinner).
Agree with Sax, it serves us all well to be thoughtful and generous (as we are able) to those who love us and care for us.
On conmama’s thread, I was probably one disagreeing, don’t remember what I said, at the time. But I recently ran into my own situation and was advised, of course you can talk about what would please you. I tried it. It worked. I was also told it’s ok to remind, in some not-obnoxious way. IOW, to talk.
But we still need, imo, to be flexible. I don’t want to be the mom they fear is falling apart or whose demands need to be met like orders barked to a minion, who does it out of rote obligation, no affection. That’s not kowtowing to them–nor asking them to kowtow to me.
Anecdote. When my brother was in his early 20’s, out of college and living an hour away, my mother once went on a tear to me about how he disappoints her (just short of ‘knife in the heart.’) He didn’t offer to do this or that (eg, wash her windows,) he cancelled a meet or two (to set up her tv,) he didn’t praise her cooking.
I said, when he comes, do you make it pleasant, even fun, suggest a movie or ask what he’d like to eat? Believe it or not, her answer was a startled, “No, why should I? I’m his mother.” I asked if she considered having the handyman set up the tv. “Why should I have to pay when i have an able son?”
Ironically, my brother was devoted to her, but she was thinking from her perspective only. All he needed was a wife who stepped in between them and step between them, she did.
MIL complained regularly to us that her son (DH’s brother) never called her. But she never called him! Lots of lessons both positive and negative, for us in watching the generation ahead.
Lol, I could write a book about this. But I’m going to stop thinking about it… Ha, I wish.
Hearing some of these family dynamics makes me sad. Try to think what it would be like to lose a 20-year-old. All of these hurt feelings, overreactions, etc. are so not worth it. 
We lived a few minutes from DH’s parents and hours away from anyone in my family. So DH’s parents got more regular visits with our kids, my family got Thanksgiving (every year), and vacations. For years we had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner at our house with DH’s family. We had Christmas morning in our own home, and went to MIL/FIL’s house in the afternoon. This is the first year that both MIL and FIL are gone, and it was a strange Christmas. We have no tradition of seeing DH’s siblings except at his parents’ house any more, so we haven’t talked to them at all this week.
The talk of birthdays reminds me - none of us was ever much good at remembering niece/nephew birthdays or knowing what to give them. So while the kids were under 21 or so, we celebrated all birthdays at Thanksgiving. We’d sing Happy Birthday and give each kid that was there $20 or so. It was a fun tradition.
Wow. I’m just now seeing this post and haven’t waded through all of the posts.
As a daughter-in-law I wouldn’t dream of not seeing H’s family during the holidays or insisting we always always see my family only. From the very beginning I’ve always made sure it was all fair. I can’t imagine never going to see his family!
Once we had a child though, we insisted on always being in our own home for Christmas. If we travel to see family it is always before or directly after, but our kid wakes up here in our own house Christmas morning. Everyone has always seemed fine with that and we have always made sure Grandparents had an invite to be here.
I really enjoyed it when I insisted we be home for Xmas morning. I think my kids were 4 and 1. I’m so glad we did, now realizing there really weren’t many years of their youth on Christmas morning. Now in their early 20’s, all that is gone. Yes, it’s nice to see them open their gifts, but the magic is gone in those early morning hours. It went so incredibly fast, and there aren’t that many…I will never begrudge my kids from having that.