@zoosermom it is for communication only. I do not want to be the default person that has to make plans especially since my schedule is extremely flexible (I can work from anywhere) and Mr R’s is not (he works at a day care and can work anywhere from 6AM to 7PM).
I do not have a close relationship with my in-laws. We are civil and spend time with each other (we are often over at their house for game days and other things) but we are not close as in we have a warm, fuzzy relationship with each other. In my in law’s eyes, I’m not really part of the family because I haven’t changed my last name and we’re not really married because it was an atheist wedding. It’s worth pointing out though that neither Mr R nor his brothers have a warm, close relationship with their parents either. The whole family is just kind of detached and frigid with one another. I’m not sure how else to explain it.
They ask how I’m feeling when I’m over at their house and they are always helpful when I’m in the hospital (which I do communicate to them via facebook since my phone doesn’t get a signal in the hospital). But it’s not a “what can we do to make you feel better” thing but rather a “how can we make your life easier.” Don’t get me wrong- I am INCREDIBLY grateful for that but it’s not a close, warm relationship if that makes sense.
Mr R has a really good and close relationship with my parents. To them, he is their son. Period, full stop.
ETA: No, they don’t specifically call me to ask how I am BUT I give frequent updates on facebook about my health because I have so many people that ask and it gets tiring to repeat the same thing over and over. If I was a more private person, I am sure that they would reach out to me.
DH and I mostly observe the you do yours and I’ll do mine rule. I think that’s especially important if someone is “acting up.” It’s DH’s job to enforce the boundaries on his end, and I’m responsible for doing it on mine.
That said, I do have a separate relationship with my MIL. We go to lunch sometimes, and on holidays, she contacts me (directly) in advance to offer to bring food, and we always work it out between the two of us. MIL and FIL are long divorced. I sometimes cook food for FIL, as he needs it from more than one perspective. I would never do anything with him apart from the family because he is very difficult and I would get no pleasure from it. I just draw the line at that one. He, of course, does not realize that he can be insensitive and a chore to be around.
DH have rarely ever contacted anyone in my family for any reason. It always goes through me.
I try and do the you do yours thing - but in the end I want them to have something they’d like so we do collaborate. Since I don’t have anyone to buy for on my side anymore, it’s just his two nephews and his parents. He bought the nephews video games so that was easy. I made sure during thanksgiving the whole family had a group shot, each nuclear family did and then various ones with the kids and grandparents - with the notion of framing it for them. Hubby could not have thought that one through, but he did upload and order them and went with me to choose frames. He also helped me choose the food I had delivered to them.
Oh, another thing. The reason I am so peeved at my MIL right now (which I think I mentioned earlier but didn’t explain) is that she has “requested” (demanded) that we all start going to church at least once a month. She wanted it as her Christmas present.
Uh… no. I’m an atheist and Mr R is ambivalent about god/religion. Plus, we are in our mid-20s and our faith (or lack thereof) should be our business and no one else’s. THAT is up to him to deal with because it’s his mom and, frankly, if I had to deal with it we’d probably not have a relationship at all with them anymore as I’d be brutally honest about how just not OK it is with us for her to “request” that.
I have seen Mr R angry probably less than 5 times in the several years we’ve been together. He was FURIOUS when she did that. The next day he calmly told her that he would take her “request” under consideration but that his faith was private. As far as I know, she never responded.
I was very close to my in-laws; in fact, I’m having my ex-husband’s whole family over for New Year’s Day (7 sibs and tons of nieces, nephews and next generation). My ex is invited too; I hope he comes, but I have independent relationships with his family that I have tried to maintain after the divorce.
“What can we do to make you feel better?” vs “how can we make your life easier?” are really two sides of the same coin. It’s part of “The 5 Languages of Love,” which I recommend everybody find and read. If it makes my life easier when I am not well (I have RA and when I am in flare, there are days I can’t move), then it makes me feel better, at least psychologically. If you have a chronic illness, there probably isn’t anything that someone who isn’t in the medical field can do to make you feel better, but they can make your life easier in myriad ways. Making sure that Mr. R has food or a ride to the hospital or work or even company if you in the hospital overnight… For me, it’s making sure that the kids get a meal or the ride they need.
I didn’t have a close relationship with my parents and I have no relationship with my sister. I used to have a very close relationship with my MIL but H destroyed that by introducing her to the person who tried to wreck my marriage and lying to me about it. To this day, I don’t know what MIL knows or doesn’t know and I don’t want to find out so I ended my separate relationship with her rather than take a chance on her finding out or worse, yet, letting me know, that she does know.
Back to the original thread -
I am not particularly sentimental, so I kind of go with the flow. As I get older, I more and more dislike having people over my home. I like going other places and now that my kids are grown, I can do that.
I’m glad that they at least give you a little help and support. And I completely agree about not being the person to make plans and decisions. I wouldn’t do that either, unless the plans involved me without my husband. His sister and I get along well and always want to make plans, but it’s never happened in 30 years. If it ever does happen, I would be happy for us to work it out without him.
@techmom99 yes I understand that. I was trying to show that they are caring and helpful but not “warm, fuzzy” caring. Perhaps I explained it poorly. I do think they care and love us but they’re not affectionate and have a hard time showing it. Does that make sense?
@zoosermom yup. Manipulative is the right word. I make plans with my BILs and SILs all the time. We’re actually quite close since one SIL was in the same small residential college as mr r and me and the other BIL & SIL cosplay with Mr R so they’re over all the time making their costumes.
I don’t really think of “in laws” when I think of my BILs and SILs. They’re more like actual siblings to me. “in laws” in my head are reserved for my MIL & FIL.
It makes absolute sense to me. I should confess that I am not the warm, fuzzy type myself and that that type of person makes me crazy. If someone is ill, I am about things like making sure they have food in the fridge for the family, that they have someone to make sure that the bills are paid and things like that. I am not the soothing, poor dear, what can I do to make you feel better type of mom. Luckily for my children, my H is…
As for the going to church thing, that would make me crazy too. However, I think about my Catholic MIL. Her only D converted to being Episcopalian and her only son married a Jew. When she was still ambulatory, I was the one who took her to church for holidays because H refused. Although I am obviously not a believer in Christianity and am not particularly observant in my own religion, I found being in church with her not so bad. Of course, the major difference is that I volunteered to take her and she reciprocated when she was able by taking my kids to afterschool programs.
Another thing that I tell my own D, who is 25 - things that seem important when you are 25 will be less so as you get older and vice versa.
I would absolutely take my in laws to church if i was able and something prevented them from going on their own. It’s the telling us to go that drove me up the wall. Even if she had said something like “I would really like it if you tried going to church at least once a month.” I wouldn’t have been angry. It was the manipulation demand that angered us.
I am the “other poster.” My girls and I have very open, loving and respectful relationships. We tell each other openly when things are not working out between us. I am not one to post, “I wish my kid would do this, but I would never ask, so I am just going to hope he/she knows what I want. Meanwhile I will just feel hurt.” If I ask and it doesn’t work for them then we could talk about what works, but to always assume it is better not to say anything when something is bothering you is not healthy, in my opinion.
I also do not believe just because in-laws ask you to do something, they are being demanding or manipulative, and your answer back to them needs to be yes all the time. My in-laws asked me if we were going to baptize our kids and the answer was a very polite no.
I’ve known folks who could be saddened, then depressed, by things said to them. And later, when the story was put back together, the upset person had heard it wrong. An impartial witness, eg, might say, no, not what Susie said. Or, the upset one leapt to the wrong conclusions.
“I am a bit surprised so many parents on CC say their adult kids do not go home for xmas (for those who celebrate).”
But they are home when they are in the place they currently share with their spouse and children, or roommate(s), or whomever they have chosen to share their lives with as adults.
My kids don’t come to us for most things but so far we’ve all been together for every Christmas since they were born. When that changes, I’m sure it will take some adjusting by all of us, and hopefully we will be able to be together at a time that we can all manage.
My “kids” have lived away from us except for brief times since 2006 and 2009. We manage to stay in touch and meet up at least one or two times in addition to Christmas, with H and I doing some flying and them doing some as well.
We are fortunate that the kids are so close to their cousins who also make it a priority to celebrate the holidays in HI, adding more incentive to be with us. Many of their cousins fly in for the holidays as well.
Some may talking about their married children, but we are also referencing our unmarried kids with SOs, friends and work obligations. Some posters even mentioned their kids may prefer to spend time with their friends or even relaxing at a beach. But if you kids feel they are “home” with their roommates or friends instead with you then that’s different than my family. If you feel fine with then what is it for anyone to say. You would also not be posting here to say you are hurt, so all is good.
If mine said they wanted to be at the beach or say, a ski resort (and they meant with peers or SOs, not all of us,) after a few seconds, I’d be fine with it. Maybe a little envious. But we’d do a symbolic holiday get-together another time, as many are saying. Symbolic not just of the holiday (whatever religion,) but of the family togetherness. There’s only so much we can stand on ceremony or say, my way or the highway, to grown kids.
Of course, we influence them in some ways, throughout the year- we build the closeness, we make times with us fun for them (not just what we want or expect or their old roles as children.) We even indulge them. We respect the differences. It pays off. Family closeness does need to be worked on.
No relationships go forever without evolving a bit.
"“I am a bit surprised so many parents on CC say their adult kids do not go home for xmas (for those who celebrate).”
But they are home when they are in the place they currently share with their spouse and children, or roommate(s), or whomever they have chosen to share their lives with as adults."
@Aida - To me it’s depends what you mean by home. I grew up in Michigan but I haven’t lived there in over 30 years. However I still call the town I grew up “home”. When we go up there I say I am going home… Where I live now is my current home and my kids call it home but to me where I grew up will always be home too.
No relationships go forever without people putting some effort into it, and it applies to parent/child relationship too. It may mean parents paying for airfare so their kids could visit or their kids could go on vacation with their friends 364 other days.
Most people feel hurt when their spouse or friends forget about their birthdays, but when it comes to their kids no one wants to admit it sucks when their kids do nothing (email, call, dinner, present). I hear it loud and clear on CC, “Oh, I wouldn’t want to put that kind of pressure on my kids. It is fine they don’t buy me a present because they don’t have any money.” Well heck, if they can spend $5 on Starbucks or pay for video games, they can spend $30 on flowers, cards, chocolate or cook a meal for their parents on their birthdays.
Again, it is what works for all parties involved and each family’s dynamic is different. It is why I tell my kids to look for a partner who has similar family value as they do.
Oldfort, I really don’t see why they can do X 364 other days and not some holiday on another close date. It doesn’t make sense to me that Christmas (in all its meanings) can only be “done” on Christmas, unless you have tickets to see the Pope perform the mass. He doesn’t have a rain date, so far. I know your relationships are close, but so are ours (many of us posting here.) That’s what matters, not the exact date.
And when I told my girls “similar family values,” I wasn’t looking for a “similar value” that the girls’ relationship with me, their own mother, was the only one that mattered.