When do I give up re middle school

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am looking for some wisdom here from parents, especially those who have girls. I have two older boys and while they were harder sometimes, overall, I think much easier.</p>

<p>I have a 7th grade 13 year old daughter. She is miserable at school. She wasn’t particularly happy last year and it may even be worse this year.</p>

<p>The issue isn’t the academics. It is the behavior of her peers. She is very sensitive and is easily offended even if the rude remarks aren’t directed at her. </p>

<p>My normal tactic has been to try and make her understand that this isn’t about her, that this is a terrible age, etc and she does have really good friends. When I pick her up, she is always happily talking to her friends. Her teachers report that she generally seems happy and that she does indeed have sweet, cute friends. However, as this school year has progressed she has become increasingly more unhappy. </p>

<p>She is old for her grade, having a September birthday, developed early and has skin issues, so we struggle with self esteem. </p>

<p>For the last few months, when she expresses her unhappiness, I walk through options with her and try to get her to help me help her. I have never said she has to stay in this school, we could go private, but probably not mid year. (And truthfully, I am not sure her issues with girls and their behavior will evaporate simply by changing schools.) Additionally, our state has several virtual options that are viable. Until recently, she has been sad but has not wanted to leave her friends. That seems to have changed.</p>

<p>Keep in mind that we are in the midst of finals, pmsing and her Bat Mitzvah is in a month. So stress is a little high, but she is adamant that she isn’t going back to that school next semester. </p>

<p>She wants to say “goodbye” to everyone on Friday. I told her that wasn’t a good idea since we don’t have a plan and aren’t sure what will happen come January. </p>

<p>I am at a loss here. I am confident that we can find an alternative for next semester, but am unsure if that is even a good idea. </p>

<p>Thoughts? suggestions? Please.</p>

2

<p>I am curious as to what your daughter’s plan is. She can’t just leave school, and that’s it. She has to go elsewhere. What are her intentions? For her to just leave the school and have you figure it out is not an option. What does she think her choices are now? Has she toured other schools (that will accept her midyear), and has liked them? From the sounds of it, she has decided to just leave and not worry about the consequences, but maybe I’m missing something here. I don’t know that any place would just accept her for a new semester that starts in three weeks, especially not any private school that is halfway decent…as you alluded to. Is her plan the virtual school?</p>

3

<p>Yes. She thinks homeschooling (virtual school) is her option.</p>

<p>She wanted to explore the virtual school tonight but she had to study.</p>

4

<p>Not to make light of her sadness, but it sounds like pretty typical 13 year old turmoil to me.</p>

5

<p>Bat Mitzvah is a great opportunity here for emotional growth, so use it. If there are any training sessions with the Rabbi or Cantor prior to the Bat Mitzvah, clue him/her in by private phonecall to all this social uncertainty at public school. Her tendency to take the comments around her too much to heart is something a rabbi can address productively, by personal counsel or weaving things into the sermon on that day that other students will also hear, to put her in a better light. Perhaps her brightness, or sense of injustice/unfairness are so sharply honed she is missing some compassion for others and is too rigid – this is all something a rabbi or cantor can actually help her understand as her personal challenge to work upon. </p>

<p>When the Bat Mitzvah is over, there is sometimes a maturation and life confidence that kicks into place during the six months after the ceremony. As she finishes, instead of telling her how lucky she is to be done, reframe the message to this: remember how hard it all seemed at the beginning, but you broke it into pieces and figured it out, chunk by chunk. If you can do that, you can approach any life challenge that way and succeed. You don’t have to walk away from challenges, you can work through them, as you did here. (So have some cake and write those thank-you’s).</p>

6

<p>In some ways, I really think girls ARE tougher than boys, especially RE friends and social issues. My D was happy in K and 1 and then mid-year in 2nd grade miserable. She did switch schools mid-year for reasons unrelated to the girls issue and was happy for a few weeks and then pretty unhappy with GFs through grade 8. Fortunately, she met some nice girls in summer school at a private school in summer after 7th grade and was able to transfer to that private school for HS, where she was MUCH happier. It seemed there was a LOT less drama at the private school.</p>

<p>I agree that your D needs to have a plan that will work for her AND you. How is she as a self-studier? Who will be sure she completes work and tests on time? Who will supervise her while she is home at virtual school if this option is followed? How will she socialize? Where does she expect to maintain her friendships?</p>

<p>Agree that girls do have some turbulent times but virtual school doesn’t work for many kids–it takes a certain type of kid with the motivation and ability to work independently without prodding or supervision (unless you want to take on the prodding and supervision role). Now, with all the pressures she is currently undergoing seems a VERY BAD time to make such an important decision, especially as it can be deferred. She can always let her friends know by phone, facebook or in person over the break if ultimately the family and she agrees that she will NOT be returning to finish spring semester. Is she perhaps trying to create some drama? Just wondering, as that may be one reason to want to announce this on last day of this term.</p>

7

<p>I wonder if she is being bullied even though it appears that things are fine? I have a friend with a D the same age as yours who was, and until she finally told her mom exactly what was going on, the mom had no idea it was as bad as it was. She did in fact, leave school mid-year and move to virtual school, where she is excelling. She is also, as part of her Girl Scout program, running an anti-bullying campaign. </p>

<p>This girl always seemed happy around her FRIENDS, but it wasn’t friends who were bullying her, of course. I think that whether it’s bullying or something else, no happy, settled, well-adapted kid begs to leave school mid-year. There’s a subtext somewhere here.</p>

<p>My own D was begging, practically on her knees, to either change schools or homeschool mid-year in 7th grade. It was an academic issue and chance handed us the opportunity after we discovered the school she was at would not help. We moved her with 2 weeks left to the semester and have never looked back. </p>

<p>I’d have a long talk with your D to see if you can get to the bottom of this. I’d bet she IS the recipient of some of the jabs. Girls can be BRUTAL. WHATEVER you do, make sure she knows you’ve got her back, whether you keep her there, move her, or go virtual. D knows more than one girl who is or was cutting in part because they feel their parents can’t/won’t support them.</p>

8

<p>You couldn’t pay me to go through 7th grade again. It’s certainly possible that there is bullying going on. The girls who bullied me were in my Girl Scout troop too. There was no getting away from them. One of the apologized to me several years later. I think some girls just go crazy that year - and there were jealousy issues as well. Anyway, homeschooling may well be a viable option. Frankly not that much learning goes on in 7th grade. I like the idea of seeing if the rabbi can help as well.</p>

9

<p>Middle school girls can be terrible bullies. If there is that kind of thing going on, I would strongly consider letting her do online school next semester. Maybe you can get more specifics from her, if she really is intent on leaving. She ought to realize that she has to tell you everything, honestly, in order to convince you to let her leave.</p>

<p>We paid a lot of money over the years so our kids could be surrounded with mostly kind, smart, non-bullying sort of peers. If we’d had to, we would have pulled them out in a minute if there was something really vicious or crushing going on. We’d do whatever we had to, whether it was move, home school, anything. But of course the problem is realizing how bad things are before it’s too late. Kids can be pretty silent with the facts.</p>

10

<p>I think skin issues and feeling sensitive are normal teenage behavior…but wanting to say goodbye to everyone needs more discussion. My daughter is a HS Junior now and had very turbulent jr high years. Honestly many of the “mean girls” are just as rude now, she just doesn’t care so much anymore what they think. I think you have to sit your D down to try to see if the issue is more serious…obvious easier said than done.</p>

11

<p>Best thing you can do is get her out of school. It will take some months to detox. But then the possibilities become endless! (Next month, I am taking a 12-year-old boy, with his father with me to India, to teach BioSand Filter construction and community sanitation at two locations. He isn’t a “gifted” kid, or abnormally “mature” - he just has had the opportunity to learn skills in the company of adults, and to apply them.)</p>

<p>Middle schools are just hormonal holding tanks. It doesn’t have to be that way.</p>

12

<p>Have you considered taking her to see a counselor or therapist?</p>

13

<p>P.S. I don’t believe this is a terrible age - or has to be - at all. We simply devalue kids experiences, and offer them the wrong “food” - they crave adult mentors, the opportunities to try on "hats’ (different roles they might play in the world), visionquests, walkabouts, ritual rights of passage into the adults world. When a 13-year old was Bar Mitzvah, he became a man - not a teenager. He was expected to begin to shoulder adults responsibilities in the company of other men, not a pressure cooker of semi-blind, hormonally driven early teens with no clue as to where they are going. </p>

<p>As a society, we treat early teens like crap - and then we blame them for it.</p>

<p>For the record, I work with homeschooled young teens all the time - and for NONE of them is it a “terrible age”.</p>

14

<p>I will say that some of D’s friends are just awesome-and they go to regular old public schools-and not even the “good” ones some parents fight to get their kids into. The couple of mean girls she has encountered are really mean because of their upbringing, not their hormones. One has never really had a positive role model at home and the other has been taught that it’s ok to devalue those who don’t think like you.</p>

<p>Not all schools are toxic and not all kids need to home school. D has mentors in several different areas of her life and she still goes to school. But those good friends? Have good parents who see to it that their kids are not mean to others and treat others of all ages with respect. It can be done.</p>

15

<p>Having taught middle school for 30 years, I agree that bullying goes on (and my experience was that a single Mean Girl was worse than a handful of ornery boys, for some reason). However, I think we empower our teens (especially girls) when we give them strategies rather than removing them from a situation. I saw a lot of “entitled” girls turn into princesses who would whine and wheedle and avoid and blame unlike the delightful strong girls who had compassion for the victims of bullies and found ways to stand up and stand apart. I would seek to have my daughter be the Harriet Tubman or the Annie Sullivan over the Cinderella who needs rescue, but I realize that’s easier said than done and I only have sons of my own. One cool resource is Amy Cuddy’s TED talk about Power Poses–and it would be awesome preparation for a Bat Mitzvah. Good luck.</p>

16

<p>I know that I would find a wealth of resources by asking the members of this board. Wow. There is so much food for thought in your responses and I am so appreciative.</p>

<p>She has a nice group of sweet friends. They aren’t, however, particularly grown up or sensitive. She has some wonderful teachers, several of whom I have known forever. When I share that she is unhappy, they are surprised because of how close she is with her friends. </p>

<p>You all have given me so many ideas and I am grateful for them, from analyzing whether homeschooling or virtual schooling will work to using parts of her Bat Mitzvah as a teaching tool. I remember that both my boys had a Bar Mitzvah buzz after theirs was over and so this may help as well. </p>

<p>I think we have tried to empower her, but she doesn’t particularly want to play that role. It doesn’t seem to be her natural personality, she is fairly shy around those she doesn’t know, adults and children alike, and quiet in group settings. I have suggested that she hang with boys at lunch, for example, but apparently that doesn’t happen in 7th grade.</p>

<p>She believes that this gets better after middle school. When I am talking with her, she really just wants middle school to be over. </p>

<p>As to the bullying, when I ask her, she says no, because if the kids bully they get in trouble, but I am not so sure she exactly understands what bullying is. (which is strange because they spend so much time talking about it at school.) Two days ago, for the first time in forever, I had her ride the bus to school. She texted me from the bus that she was never going to ride it again. At the end of the day, I asked her what happened. A boy said she looked like a horse when she got on and some of the other boys laughed. She has known this boy for years, he is not a good kid and has a mother who is in big time denial. That doesn’t make it easier. The regular bus driver was out that day, too.</p>

<p>I wasn’t sure that we were going to stay in public school for middle school. She is my third child and I had some concerns. However, academically the school is much improved since her brother went there. Because of this, I had visited private schools and have a short list of schools that I thought were a good fit. One of her brothers actually went to private school from 6th grade on (he is a high school senior now) so we are familiar with the process and the bills. The thing is, in private school, girls can be just as mean, etc. Finding the right fit is tough.</p>

<p>She has always been a bit dramatic (ok, maybe a lot dramatic, I was too at this age) so sometimes it is hard to gauge what is really going on and I am still not 100 percent sure.</p>

17

<p>Whoo, boy. Seventh grade: the year of the Bar and Bat Mitzvah. Worst. Year. Ever.</p>

<p>I am not Jewish, so my point of view, and that of my children, is from the outside. Our absolutely fantastic public middle school has a high percentage of Jewish families, and so seventh and a part of eighth grades are sort of consumed by the Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties.</p>

<p>My sons were invited to a party at least every other weekend for a solid year. My daughter, who was not a part of the Jewish girl crowd, was invited to four Bat Mitzvahs over the course of a year. She was invited to the parties of her close friends, and was fine with that. </p>

<p>However, it is impossible to underestimate the atmosphere of noninclusion that permeates a lunchroom where tables of girls are wearing the swag fromthe last weekend’s parties, and loudly (happily, not bullingly, just excited about the good time they had) recounting the parties they attended the previous weekend, and those who weren’t invited are also there. Week after week, for well over a year.</p>

<p>It can wear a girl down. As I said, my daughter was fine. We made sure that she had plenty of extracurriculars: sports, band, riding lessons,etc., to keep her busy and to make other friends. But several Jewish girls who were on the social fringes of the groups who attended every party really suffered. They may have been invited, but felt excluded even while being there. There were some decidedly miserable girls in seventh and eighth grade.</p>

<p>The good news, is that it passes, and by the middle of high school, when the middle school population has split between high schools, and mixed with kids from other schools, nobody cares about what happened in seventh grade.</p>

18

<p>Some thoughts…</p>

<p>-- I would be a little concerned with her wanting to say “goodbye” to her friends. This seems extreme in my eyes.
– I think the right private school is a great option if you can afford it.<br>
– I recommend some professional counseling for you and her together with someone who can help you guys make the decision. Whenever a normal process is circumvented there is always some sense of loss.
– I think it is really awesome that you are exploring options with her. However, professional counseling may help her to identify the issues and develop strategies for staying or goals in leaving.
–Also, I imagine it was extremely painful to be told she looked like a horse and to be laughed at. No one deserves to be treated that way. Ever.</p>

19

<p>Does she play sports? Can you elaborate on the skin issues (is it eczema or bad acne or what?) Seventh grade is bad. Especially if you can’t figure out how to fade into the background sufficiently like I think your DD wants to do. I recommend counseling (also concerned with the saying goodbye thing, as it kind of smacks of being suicidal). My DD did ok, she’s a high school junior now and kind of ‘weirdly awkward’ like me but diffuses that by being funny (asked me last night if I thought she could be a comedian? Are you REALLY that funny? She seems to think so…) She also HATED the mean comments even if they weren’t directed at her and would just cease being friends with the person - she showed that type of maturity as early as about 4th grade. Also don’t think there would be an issue with a mid year transfer but I’d want to try to get to the bottom of it first. Call her in sick a few times. I also do know quite a few kids that are going the virtual route.</p>

20

<p>The reason I asked about sports is I found that sports were the great equalizer and a way to make a quick set of friends. I got her involved in basketball - bam, instant set of basketball friends. She wasn’t very good at it but that was cool. Now she’s into golf and an official school ‘jockette’ so if there’s any interest in sports, that’s a great way to build self confidence.</p>