<p>Just to clarify, the saying goodbye thing doesn’t seem suicidal rather a bit dramatic (as pointed out by someone else). It seems to me that she wants to let everyone know she is “outta there.”</p>
<p>Counseling is a great idea. I will work on setting that up today. </p>
<p>I agree sports (or something like it) are truly important. She isn’t athletic and we have struggled with finding the right fit, but we are working on it. </p>
<p>EastCoastcrazy, our public school wears uniforms, doesn’t have many Jewish families, and those that are Jewish are really low key, so it isn’t crazy like your experience. So, thank goodness that isn’t our year. Ironically, her upcoming Bat Mitzvah (3 weeks or so) is only the second from her public school 7th grade.</p>
<p>Middle school can be so hard, and girls so mean sometimes.</p>
<p>I’m a bit concerned over wanting to say “goodbye”. It would seem to me that if she really didn’t like those girls, she would want to leave and not call attention to herself.</p>
<p>One aspect about saying goodbye is that is does call attention to her. The most likely response is that the girls will be all over her wanting her to stay. Perhaps she wants the attention?</p>
<p>The other aspect of “goodbye” is the finality of it, and while I don’t want to make you more fearful than necessary, this makes me worry about depression. I’ve known kids who are bullied, but they don’t want a formal goodbye to the people they know at school, they just want to stay away from them. Girls can be moody, but this request for a goodbye would prompt me to find a therapist for her asap.</p>
<p>Can the skin issues be resolved? Since we are essentially stuck in our own bodies, having an issue like that is tough for a 7th grade girl (and yet another thing to be bullied over). Is she menstruating (that’s always tough even for my normal chill DD) - is she moody all the time or could it be a PMS type thing? Sometimes you just feel awkward in your skin at that age and nothing helps but some counseling and to be amazing at ‘something’ until you’re out of that phase. Could be a sport, what else does she like to do (that can be a ‘thing’ that she can pursue?)</p>
<p>I agree with Pennylane about the “goodbye” thing. </p>
<p>What I recall from 7th grade is some boys taunting girls by asking if they were “on the rag” and snapping their bras from the back if they were wearing one. It was incredibly difficult for girls coping with the changes in their bodies. I think it is even more difficult for the girls who develop earliest, which back then was 6th grade, but now could be earlier. I don’t recall a lot of “mean girl” stuff, although there were a few who started in 6th grade and kept it up. Luckily they were usually easy to avoid. And I left in 8th grade and went to a British boarding school for a few years, thank doG.</p>
<p>I’m always on the side of learning to deal rather than running away, but sometimes exiting a situation is the best thing…if what replaces it is really different. That’s the thing. If she starts doing nothing but virtual school, I predict she’s going to be very lonely. Social media bullying becomes a strong possibility if she reaches out that way. If she goes to a different school, I predict that the same issues will emerge–unless the atmosphere at her current school is unusually toxic. If she does some kind of alternative learning, as mini suggests, that could be great, but you would be on very short notice to put it in place, assuming that you are even available to do it. If you have a full time job, are you going to quit? Scale back, if you can even do it? I don’t think you want to leave an adolescent girl at home alone every day.</p>
<p>This just seems like an extreme reaction to me. I think you need a therapist to get to the bottom of it.</p>
<p>A friend once said “there’s nothing worse than a 7th grade girl.” I have 2 daughters, and I must say that they were incredibly stressed and irritable right before their Bat Mitzvahs. Like others have said, they did relax and feel more empowered afterwards.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make any school change until after the Bat Mitzvah. If this were my D, I would probably tell her that she needs to stick it out for the rest of the school year, and if she still hates school in the spring, we will consider a different school. In the meantime, you can get her some counseling and try to help her find some outside activities that she enjoys. Finding a group of friends outside of school will help a lot. </p>
<p>I know it’s hard to see your D so unhappy. Hang in there.</p>
<p>@momjr - There is something worse than a 7th grade girl - it’s a 7th grade girl in an adult body doing an adult job and having other so-called adults bow down to her 7th grade-girlness. They’re out there, absolutely. I encountered one at my first job out of college and it was a living hell. @OP - I feel for your daughter. Having boys, the middle school years were relatively calm, and their being in a small K-8 Catholic school made it more so. HS was culture shock, though, especially for S1. And the mothers of the girls in his MS class said their daughters had a steep learning curve negotiating female cliques, etc.</p>
<p>I am a relatively recent college grad and not a parent, but I was really horrendously miserable in middle school and can empathize with your daughter. The thing that is confusing me is the fact that she is so desperate to move, but you can’t really put your finger on why besides that she is sensitive. She says she’s not being bullied-- though that appears questionable. She is doing okay academically, she has friends. By all accounts, from what she is telling you, it sounds like she is having a pretty successful middle school experience-- what quantifiable, tangible things could another school have to make her happier? Can you think of any? All I can think of is more considerate kids but I think there are going to be at least some mean kids anywhere you go, if your D has a good group of sweet friends and that isn’t enough to insulate her I am afraid you are going to have this problem no matter where you send her and starting off at a new school she won’t have these friends and will have to start over. And while virtual school is a great option for some people, if there isn’t some kind of huge problem happening at the school that you are unaware of (like severe bullying) I am afraid she is just trying to hide from life and the world, and I don’t think that is healthy. Middle school is really, really terrible, but high school and college are hard too, and being in the working world with grown up bullies in some way has been as bad as middle school for me. She needs to be able to develop some resilience. If her current school is a bad situation and you think there is a better one that will allow her to be happier then by all means that is what you should do, but I wouldn’t let her try to hide from life. </p>
<p>You have to get to the bottom of what is going on here… I really wonder if she is being bullied and either doesn’t want to tell you or doesn’t realize she is being bullied or doesn’t realize you don’t see it for yourself. I grew up assuming my mom knew and that I had told her but only recently found out she had no idea and would have pulled me out of school if she had known, apparently we were miscommunicating somehow and I have no idea how. I thought I told her, but maybe I didn’t. I remember thinking I was as weird as everybody said I was so maybe I wouldn’t have told, maybe I thought I deserved it. I don’t remember what was in my head at the time. But you have to figure it out for your D. I was suicidal for most of middle school and my mom says she had no idea I was being bullied or that I was unhappy, I was just quiet.</p>
<p>While I think it is great that you are supportive about exploring other options, be careful. All she has to hear is that you are thinking about it and she is as good as done with this school, getting her to adjust her attitude back to staying is going to be extremely difficult. She is ready to cut ties and walk away. She is not going to understand if you tell her you’ll look at other options and get her hopes up and then decide it isn’t the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Consolation’s post brought back a bad memory that in my middle school years, not only would the boys make comments to the girls but they would get physical…the “T@#$Y twisters.” The girl side was bad too as most girls decried the male attention (physical or otherwise) but plenty enjoyed it/preened over it too…and got mad when the boys were gotten in trouble. </p>
<p>I do agree with posters above who said that it is very helpful if she can find something outside of school to enjoy…volunteering with animals or seniors or a sport. Something fun that gives her good feedback outside of the school zone. </p>
<p>I have a friend who homeschools/virtual schools a 6th grader and I do worry about the transition BACK into school at high school (which is their plan).</p>
<p>Hi-- I would only take her to a therapist that you screen significantly, and one that believes these issues are family issues and are okay to be solved at the family level. After all, your daughter is very young and she is seeking your guidance. I don’t think she needs therapy (at least I don’t really know) but at a minimum I think it would be helpful to have someone work with you and her around this specific decision about what to do in January about school. Lots of luck to you!</p>
<p>Also, a further thought. Instead of being bullied at school, perhaps she is just being neglected and could use some connection with the adults at the school. In middle school it is often the kids with problems that receive all of the attention. Perhaps she isn’t feeling at all connected and the school lacks a caring feeling or sense of community. A private school might help this.</p>
<p>My not-particularly-sensitive daughter was made miserable by one girl and her friends in middle school, to the extent that when, three years later, my son invited the girl to our house while my daughter was away (the girl came with a large group of my son’s friends), she was furious with him for months, and still mentions it, 11 years later. </p>
<p>It wasn’t bullying so much as poking. Constantly poking at my daughter verbally. Little things that individually meant nothing but added up wrong over time.</p>
<p>My daughter switched schools in 9th grade, and yes, it was mostly to get her away from the situation, and no, I don’t regret it.</p>
<p>I taught for some years in a grade 6-12 situation, and IMHO, 8th grade girls are nasty beings. 7th grade girls are almost as nasty. It’s a terrible few years.</p>
<p>Also, having taught in that environment, it’s my opinion that most of what’s taught in middle school is review. Yes, I’m that cynical. If your daughter is fairly smart, the combination of boredom, near-bullying, and middle school can be awful. Being homeschooled for a few months could allow her to learn more, reset the social situation, and give her a break.</p>
<p>I have two daughters. It’s a tough time - but I would be concerned about the saying goodbye. Often the parents are the last to know. It isn’t always bullying or grades or anything external that you can fix - mental health is completely internal and not always “fixable.” If I were you I’d make an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as possible. I am not an alarmist but I was certainly in denial with respect to my daughter’s mental health problems and things may have turned out differently if we had gotten her help sooner.</p>
Agree. Is there a regional Jewish youth group that meets? That would provide her some new friends, outside her own school. Also some feeings of belonging that help her rise above some of the pettiness at her current school. The key to those groups is finding something with appealing events and excellent adult (or young adult) youth group leader, to keep THOSE kids appropriate, also. Your rabbi or cantor would know. It’s worth a significant drive, even if only for a monthly meeting or seasonal conclave. Such regional groups are particularly helpful to Jewish students with few others in their own schools. NFTY, NCSY, or others fill the bill.</p>
<p>She might also need strategies (ask the counselor) for some zinger retorts. A comment such as “you look like a horse” has a host of snappy replies, from the “death stare” to publicly ridiculing the bully until others laugh at him. Perhaps she needs the strategies that teach kids not to be the objects of bullies, by pushing back verbally. </p>
<p>I also have a hunch, based on your post describing her extreme minority status as a Jewish child in the school. This may account for situations or even cruel remarks where other kids just don’t “get” her, or she feels different. You’d be appalled to hear the kinds of remarks children are confiding to their rabbis these days: nose jokes, nickles thrown at their feet with demands to pick it up, and so forth. If that’s what’s happening, she already knows better than to even mention to you (because you’d intervene, right? embarassing her…). </p>
<p>All this is typed by a woman who said to herself, at age 12, “I will always remember: if anyone offers me a million dollars and all I have to do is be 12 again, I will say: No.” The years are rough, but kudos to you for working to help her cope.</p>
<p>^^^I went to Catholic school and had a completely separate group of “untainted” neighborhood friends - this is what made life liveable for me from 6th to about 10th grade.</p>
<p>“I taught for some years in a grade 6-12 situation, and IMHO, 8th grade girls are nasty beings. 7th grade girls are almost as nasty. It’s a terrible few years.”</p>
<p>Not my experience at all - except in a school environment.</p>
<p>Mini–yes, my experience is limited to the school environment. I do remember you home-schooled, and thus I expect you were fortunate enough to avoid it.</p>
<p>I have boys, but I was a girl once and remember how it was. I was pretty lucky, I only remember one mean girl incident directed at me and it wasn’t so bad. The biggest problem was just not feeling comfortable with myself. Some days I liked myself pretty well—my hair, my body, my skin—other days I didn’t. I was nerdier and had interests more like the boys. </p>
<p>Having said that, if I were the mother of a middle schooler, I would first off try to figure out what was going on. Talk to your daughter, observe your daughter, talk to the mothers of her friends. Just really pay attention. Is this a normal period of not liking herself or something more? </p>
<p>About changing schools. I wouldn’t unless it turns out something really awful is happening. This is a good time to teach coping skills. </p>
<p>I really like the idea of finding outside friends and/or a sport.</p>
<p>There could be any number of reasons the girl isn’t saying what’s really going on. When my D was younger and being bullied, she didn’t tell me for a long time because she thought we’d be upset after jumping through a lot of hoops to get her into the school she was in. We were able to resolve things somewhat, but when it came time to move on to middle school we left the program and never looked back. </p>
<p>I don’t think kids need to “toughen up”. Sure, they need to learn how to ask for help and learn to deal with unpleasant people, but if there are other options that are better, why put your kid through months or years of unhappiness just so they learn to be “tougher”. </p>
<p>Mini-as a one-time home school parent, I just want to add that we met unpleasant home school kids AND parents, it’s not a panacea, and have also been in perfectly great school settings. There is no One True Way for most anything.</p>
<p>Agree that school can be miserable if you are bullied–whether it’s obvious or more subtle and psychological. I was bullied through grade school and part of middle school. It was awful but I didn’t tell my folks because I figured there was nothing they could do. A gang war was eventually fought over me and then no one picked on me again. They did pick on one of my friends, who told her folks who talked to the administration who called in the bully and put a stop to it.</p>
<p>There can be a myriad of reasons for a student to no longer want to attend school. As long as there is a workable plan that can allow the student to still get the needed education, it can work out for the better.</p>
<p>Good luck navigating these tricky times. I remember how tough we found them. S found his school years until college quite lonely. D was OK once she reached HS & found her tribe, until the administration started picking on her and us about her frequent prolonged absences due to her chronic health issues. College was much better for all of us.</p>