<p>“Mini-as a one-time home school parent, I just want to add that we met unpleasant home school kids AND parents, it’s not a panacea, and have also been in perfectly great school settings.”</p>
<p>There are unpleasant people in the world. Nothing new. But the years 12-13 don’t have to be particularly terrible, and they aren’t in my experience. As for great school settings - if they were so great, they wouldn’t need to be compulsory.</p>
<p>Only a parent can know how serious this really is but I didn’t read anything particularly horrible or alarming in the OP’s post. How is her life after school? Personally, I wouldn’t even consider pulling a 12-year old out of school because that was her preference. Those years are tough but high school can be even worse.</p>
<p>Middle school is hard, and I agree, middle school girls can be really mean, they tend to form packs, and even as a boy I felt their wrath and such…</p>
<p>What concerns me here is about moving her without really knowing why she is miserable. Is the school that much worse than another would be, or could you D be sensitive about things that maybe she shouldn’t be? (I am asking that hypothetically). It isn’t that I condone the behavior of kids or someone being mean like that, and I certainly don’t believe what bone headed morons say, that somehow bullying or dealing with mean people in school ‘toughens you up’ and so forth, but the reality is situations can be sticky in any kind of school. Private schools are no panacea’s, despite the fact that many of them are selective and because of the cost, you would figure are more concerned about the kids, problems like that happen in private schools, too (and if you happen to be the kid who is on scholarship, while many of the kids around you are from families that think nothing of jetting off to Switzerland for the weekend, that can be an issue, too)…</p>
<p>For me, the real root of what to do comes from finding out why your daughter feels as she does. Is she lacking self confidence because she feels that she doesn’t look ‘good’ (whatever that means), has she been picked on enough that she has internalized that? Does she see friends of hers getting bullied, and can’t stand watching that? Without that, like some other posters, I would worry about her facing that again. Homeschooling would take her out of that specific environment, but would it help her in the long run? (I ask that question as a rhetorical question, I have no way of knowing). Again, I think before doing anything you need to figure out why she feels as she does, what it is that sets her off…because it could be something that no matter what option you take, could get to her later on (and obviously, it could be something specific to the school). It is a rough time, it is when girls start developing, which causes other issues I seem to recall, boys aren’t exactly great at that age to start with, and they weren’t great with girls, either, comparing the girls who were developing to those who were developing more slowly, for example, and doing it openly…but I also worry that there is more there, too. </p>
<p>We had something similar with our son, but for different reasons, he was expressing frustration with school and conflicts with getting serious about music, and we ended up, after debating it, decided to homeschool him, and it worked out fine for us, but we were careful to work with him and find out the issues, make sure it wasn’t just angst or a blip on the radar, and worked it out…the only reason I could see for her to see a therapist or counselor (with or without a parent) isn’t because I think there is something wrong with her, it is because your D might feel more comfortable talking to someone not her parents…but it all depends on her, of course:)</p>
<p>I agree with those who posted that professional counseling staff at the school should be informed, and that a professional counselor/therapist who works with adolescents should be consulted as soon as possible.</p>
<p>“I think we empower our teens (especially girls) when we give them strategies rather than removing them from a situation.”</p>
<p>I agree 100% when there’s some kind of value in the situation. I don’t think there’s much value in middle school that can’t be acquired online by a bright and motivated kid. I’m pushing middle age, and I would immediately remove myself from any situation that bore any resemblance to my experience in middle school. Is it really a positive thing to teach children how to cope with abuse? My advice is to get the heck away from abusers if you can.</p>
<p>I work at an all-girls’ school. You’d think the cattiness would be through the roof - but you’d be wrong. With the boys out of sight, the girls are much more supportive of each other. I’m not sure that’s the case at ALL girls’ schools, but it is true where I work.</p>
<p>"Is it really a positive thing to teach children how to cope with abuse? My advice is to get the heck away from abusers if you can. "</p>
<p>Yes, this exactly. It’s what we teach (or should be teaching) our girls about abusive boyfriends/spouses. Why would we want to teach them to put up with it in other situations?</p>
<p>My friend whose D left school mid-year for online school says it’s like getting her daughter back because she had no idea until her daughter was home and feeling safe how much stress she’d been under and how different her personality was becoming as a result. </p>
<p>While this girl has spoken to groups about how to end or prevent bullying and plans to go back to HS next year (with a different group of kids), she has no regrets at all about leaving as she did in middle school.</p>
<p>I want to thank you all so much for your advice. I have made an appointment with someone for us to talk to. I am also hoping that once break starts that we can unwind a bit and time away will do some good. </p>
<p>I have a call in to her teacher and will try to see the school counselor tomorrow. Again, thanks so much.</p>
<p>My D had a horrible time in middle school. In addition to the “normal” early teen issues, she was incessantly bullied by a girl who was in all her classes and her cronies. Classic subtle mean girl stuff. I’ll never really know if she was bullied because she was troubled, or she was troubled because she was bullied, or a combination of the two. The GC said all the right things to me, but, in hindsight, was sweeping the whole issue under the rug. Silly me, I thought I was talking to the right person. Finally a teacher overheard something and went to the principal. The girls were spoken to. Did anything ever really happen to them? No, but a couple of them went through the right motions and apologized to D and her friend. Although she went to school daily, D essentially missed most of 8th grade and had a hard time recovering in 9th, academically, socially, and emotionally.</p>
<p>The good news: D is now an extremely confident and poised high school senior who got her first acceptance letter from a college today. I’ve had teachers, administrators, her current GC, and outside group leaders seek me out to tell me how impressed they are with her passion, caring, and independence. She’s managed to make a mark, both at the school and in regional and statewide leadership roles. Yes, I’m a proud mom, and I have no doubt she’ll succeed in whatever path she decides to pursue.</p>
<p>lastminutemom, I won’t say it will be easy, but I hope it helps a bit to know that girls can turn out great despite middle school horrors.</p>
<p>Didn’t have time to read entire thread, but a few thoughts…</p>
<p>Bully is very common in middle school ( and yes the boys are just as bad, I know that), but kids do not want to admit to being bullied even to their parents because 1. they are embarrassed and 2. they are worried that the parent will tell the school and either the school will deny it or the bullies will be punished and then retaliate on guess who.</p>
<p>part of the reason that middle school is so hard is that the kids are all maturing at different rates. Not just physically but emotionally and socially. Because of this, friendships change and some kids really end up feeling like the odd ones out.</p>
<p>Can you ask one of your close friends who works there to make a special effort to find out what is going on?</p>
<p>If your D does not have an activity outside of school , you need to find one for her. It can be sports, dance, community theater, volunteering, scouts or Venturing, etc. It just needs to be a group where she feels accepted and comfortable.</p>
<p>Good luck! Thankfully middle school ends.</p>
<p>Middle school can be an academic and social wasteland. Don’t assume that all schools will be the same. If you find one that’s a good fit, your daughter will thrive.</p>
<p>“I have a 7th grade 13 year old daughter. She is miserable at school.”
-I believe it is a norm. Mine was miserable in 7th / 8th grade. Ended up a very happy High schooler (who also graduated #1 in her class later on). She had so many friends in HS from different classes also, she is still in touch with many of them. Also currently is 3rd year Med. Student. Being miserable in middle school sems to be a norm. We did nothing, she was asking us sometimes to swithc her school, we did not.</p>
<p>The issue isn’t the academics. It is the behavior of her peers. She is very sensitive and is easily offended even if the rude remarks aren’t directed at her. </p>
<p>I’m not sure when in this thread the issue became bullying.</p>
<p>Just found this thread and boy does it bring back memories - bad ones. My daughter had a few miserable years in school, a bit earlier than 7th grade but the conversation on bullying and mean girls rang true. One of her best friends from pre-school was the worst offender although she was a follower rather than the queen bee (essentially the girls did what the queen bee requested and if that meant dumping a friend, that’s what happened). We found that the parents of these girls, to the parent, denied the bullying UNTIL their daughter suffered the same fate. We talked to our daughter about how this time would end and she would be able to move on, proud she remained true to herself, while the mean girls would regret (hopefully) their mean actions. </p>
<p>I echo all the advice on finding one or more activities outside school. This accomplished several things: these activities introduced D to new girls and boys; it lessened the prominence of the mean girls in her life and she got to enjoy herself doing what she liked.</p>
<p>Even if the OP’s daughter isn’t being bullied (although the bus ride indicate that something is up because she didn’t seem surprised or stunned to receive the insults), it sounds like she doesn’t quite fit in. It becomes even more important for the girl to find like minds and personalities.</p>
<p>D ended up befriending and hanging with the boys in her class (that really did not endear her to the mean girls who had crushes on same boys). Now a HS junior, she still hangs with boys more than girls but she is independent, confident and proud of her abilities, interests and herself. She knows it’s okay to be different and it actually may be a good thing!</p>
<p>I think you should allow your daughter to leave middle school immediately.</p>
<p>As long as we accept middle school is a miserable time, nothing changes. I don’t see the value in forcing children to live through this experience. Their time can be much better spent and adapting to a negative environment can have long term negative consequences. If the argument is that it prepares them for grown-up, real life, I disagree. Allowing young teens to take charge of their own lives as much as possible is much better preparation for adulthood. imho</p>
<p>I think it entirely depends on how serious it is. Some of this is normal. It may not be pretty, but 12 year olds are notoriously mean and if every kid who experienced any level of not fitting in left school it is unlikely there would be more than 5 people in any 7th grade classroom. More important IMHO is to find activities that she excels in and places where she is a good fit. It doesn’t have to be school. My middle school kids are home by 2 o’clock. And, OP does say her D has a nice friend group at the school although some kids do seem to be picking on her. It’s hard to know what’s really going on here.</p>
<p>Like mini, we homeschooled and in our homeschooling community I never saw “mean girl” behavior. I don’t believe it is a normal developmental phase. I think it happens because society creates an environment where it becomes acceptable. For a thirteen year old to look around critically and decide opting out is the best course of action seems entirely reasonable (and really intelligent) to me.</p>
<p>Well, for a 13-year old to decide anything seems a little nutty to me. But, maybe that’s just me. </p>
<p>We experienced some of this in public school and saw other kid’s who experienced more. Nothing serious though and it all passed by high school.</p>
<p>In my experience many 13-year-olds, who aren’t inured to a culture of violence and compulsion, often have better judgment than schoolteachers who work inside it and are dulled to its impact.</p>
<p>I don’t disagree, mini. Sadly. But parents are they key here, not kids. The mom needs to know exactly what’s going on and why and expecting much help from the school is probably not going to result in success. That’s reality. But, it doesn’t mean I would pull my middle school kid out of school because she requested it. There would have to be a whole lot more compelling reasons than I saw in the OP’s posts. Maybe, there are.</p>