<p>“The issue isn’t the academics. It is the behavior of her peers. She is very sensitive and is easily offended even if the rude remarks aren’t directed at her.”</p>
<p>The “environment” of many middle schools is to ignore kids like your daughter who are well-behaved and shower all of the attention on the kids that misbehave. Could it be that not only does your daughter see all of this annoying behavior, but that there isn’t a sense of community in her middle school. By this I mean an environment of connectivity for ALL students. My guess is she is seeing this behavior and wondering why the school allows the misbehaved and rude to rule and get all of the attention. I think this is common given all of the pressures educators are under these days.</p>
<p>To stay at that school, I think your daughter would benefit from gaining a sense of belonging in a club or activity where an adult creates community. If your daughter were to be more engaged, she might just ignore all of the annoying middle school noise around her. I think the key is to find a niche in the school community.</p>
<p>Perhaps the school guidance department or her teachers could help you. So many times a “well-behaved” kid suffers in silence and the school has no idea. She could really benefit from learning to advocate for herself and sharing what she sees.</p>
<p>Parenting can be so painful and challenging at times. She is so lucky to have you quarterbacking for her.</p>
<p>Oh 7th grade was a really tough year for my D. While she did have good relationships with teachers and some friends, some long time friends just changed and became not her type of friend. I hesitate to say they were becoming Mean Girls or bullies, because sometimes it is almost innocuous how these things start. But they started moving a littler faster than my D wanted and she started to feel left out, even though she didn’t want to join them.</p>
<p>I am not sure your D needs therapy per se, but a skilled counselor can be a great resource. I found my D will talk to her about issues in a way she doesn’t with me, and the counselor can offer strategies for her or just validate her feelings and help her see things more realistically.</p>
<p>And my D is also very sensitive and got upset when other people were not as pleasant in school (not that she is always an angel!)</p>
<p>We did switch schools for HS for a number of reasons and I will say that there are issues everywhere. She is doing much better now, but she still talks about how horrible 7th grade was.</p>
<p>Only you can help her determine if this is a “normal” turbulence, which it would be wise to help her navigate, or truly harmful. If it is normal adolescence, I think it is best to help her thru it and not send a message that you can run away from difficult things. On the other hand, if it is truly a damaging scenario, then of course you need to explore other options.</p>
<p>"The issue isn’t the academics. It is the behavior of her peers. She is very sensitive and is easily offended even if the rude remarks aren’t directed at her. </p>
<p>I’m not sure when in this thread the issue became bullying. "
-This was exactly my D’s problem. She never had a single B, academics was never a problem. Bullying (as politially incorrect as it is) is not such a bad idea at all. there is so much more of it going on in some proffessional fields that total removal of bullying from school will make kids so much more vulnerable later on. It is just like wide usage of antibiotics that backfired on us and people are diying where they used to be receiving help from this wonderful life savers. If we protect them forever and sheild absolutely from any negatives, then they will pay for it later, pay much more, fall much harder.
As far as academics is concerned, middle school is complete wash, waste of time unless they actually start some HS material during middle school. the program is complete failure even in best private schools, teaches nothing, prepares them for nothing…</p>
<p>I cannot disagree more with this statement. This is akin to “no pain no gain”. I’m sorry but neither conditions need to exist. </p>
<p>Sure, kids need to learn how to deal with adversity and obstacles. That’s why a virtual high school may not be the best first solution. But really? You think the only way to teach children how to deal with bullying is to subject them to it?</p>
<p>This is such a hard topic since one kids annoyance is another kid’s bullying. The horsey face nonsense on the bus is bad but we are talking about 12-year olds. These things happen and to think you can stop them or switch schools to avoid them is probably not realistic. Serious bullying is another matter, of course.</p>
<p>What happens when someone pick on her at the new school? Since being the new kid is always hard, too.</p>
<p>This thread brings back some tough memories. Having been the victim of physical bullying and taunting for many years, I know too well some of the pain it inflicts on its victims. This is one of the reasons I have no desire to attend class reunions and relieve painful memories. </p>
<p>By contrast my life since middle and HS has been relatively bully-free and given me insights to raise my kids not to be victims while having a lot of empathy.</p>
<p>No good or easy answers, but know that I am generally as happy as my least happy family member, especially when kids are sad.</p>
<p>OP, if your D is very sensitive and reacts even to comments not directed at her, I’m not sure pulling her out and homeschooling her would be the best solution. At some point she is going to have to learn to deal with all types of people and behaviors in the world. Allowing her to hide at home might be great academically but in the long run it may hold her back from many valuable life lessons. The most important thing kids can learn is how to live with and deal with other people and situations. </p>
<p>I always thought middle school was worse than high school, until my daughter came along. She sailed through middle school with nary a scratch, but 2 months into high school the wheels came off. Her friend group turned against her, she had no one to sit with at lunch, there were rumors about her and whispers and pointing in the hallway… it was brutal. She came through it wiser and smarter, but I would never want to re-live those days.</p>
<p>I only skimmed thru the responses. DD attended an all girls middle school. Toward the end of sixth grade, they had a parents meeting to warn us about the drama/interpersonal issues we should expect in seventh grade – that it was typically developmental. I would tend to say that was true for the most part, so you may want to ride it out.</p>
<p>With my DD, we have had discussions and laughs about how she thought the drama would end in middle school, and then in high school – and how I have pointed out the drama at our church and other venues involving various adults. It has helped to give her a little perspective.</p>
<p>^^ Yup, this stuff still continues in neighborhoods and workplaces and PTAs and churches and volunteer organizations. It’s not right but it does exist, and you have to learn to deal with and rise above it.</p>
<p>I wonder if Kingpin Dads and Queenbee Moms exist because we allow middle school Kingpins and Queenbees to exist? Is it learned behavior? I think kids model what they see. In a good homeschool environment kids are more likely to copy positive adult role models than negative peer models. (mini’s mentor suggestion upthread) I refuse to participate in adult activities where this type of behavior goes on. As an adult I have the option to opt-out. I am not opting out of society, just out of negative situations that don’t enrich my life in any way and do damage sometimes to others. I think teens deserve the same option. I think it is a rational and sensible reaction to the middle school situation described in the OP. I also think treating children and teens like their opinions and decisions are worthy of respect (when they are; sometimes one has to look hard with some kids to find these sorts of decisions ;)) is really good child raising practice. When I treat kids like mature and rational individuals, they tend to act like mature and rational individuals. ymmv</p>
<p>You can homeschool for a month, a semester, a year. It is not an irreversible decision. If your daughter is asking - and you are asking for advice - I strongly recommend giving it a try, since it seems to be a possibility under consideration in your family. There is no downside as far as I can tell. She can return to school anytime if she wishes.</p>
<p>I am trying to remember the name of a book I read 20 years ago. The title was something like “Child’s Work”? It was written by the mom of homeschooling musicians. Maybe mini knows it? I thought it addressed the issue of allowing and supporting children in pursuing their own “work” very well.</p>
<p>I encourage the OP to research the homeschool options available in her area. It can be a much richer environment than just sitting alone in front of a computer. There are one time field trips, outside classes taught by certified teachers, families with similar beliefs and values grouping together in support groups that plan activities for their kids, etc. After years at a private school, we chose a hybrid school that teaches most core subjects one day a week, then students complete work on their own at home the other days. Most states have a homeschool organization you can join for support, information on what the legal requirements are to homeschool in your state, and encouragement through conventions, speakers, etc. </p>
<p>“Missing” half of 7th grade at the school she is attending now will not ruin her chances of getting into college. “Keeping” her in what she feels is a bad situation has the possibility of affecting her for a lifetime.</p>
<p>A semester away from the daily grind of attending school may give her a chance to think through her frustrations. She can gain personal insight and either regroup to be more ready to take on traditional school again, or decide that independent learning is more her style. Even if homeschooling turns out not to be the answer, the child can learn that the grass is not always greener on the other side. </p>
<p>There is no right answer, every child is unique, every situation has so many variables. It sounds like OP is doing the right things to investigate the current school situation and determine possible options if they are needed.</p>
<p>I haven’t been able to read all the replies because the OP has raised alarm bells for me. (I’ll grant you, I tend to overreact.) Please, please make sure that your daughter is not suicidal. Saying goodbye, saying that she isn’t going back to school, facing stress and self-esteem issues makes me worry. In your place, I’d pull her out in a heartbeat if you think there’s any danger.</p>
<p>Middle school can be brutal. My older two daughters attended a large suburban middle school where sports and money ruled. The administration allowed the alpha kids to congregate at “their” tables in the lunchroom and create a hierarchy that dominated the school culture. My eldest was very unhappy and we ended up moving her to a different school. My middle D, who tends to be more easy going and flexible, hated the lunchroom setup where she’d set things down at her friends’ table and then find them moved with another person in her place. She ended up fleeing to the art room and having lunch there with a few kids and the art teacher. Weird that the same thing happened in “Speak”–which came out afterwards.) She made her way through middle school but then applied to a different high school. </p>
<p>My youngest is a sensitive and very quiet kid. We didn’t even try her out in that environment. She attended a very small private school where she was spared every last bit of the usual middle school bullying and jockeying for position and instead experienced an inclusive community. Middle school was the highlight of her educational experience to date. The right school CAN make a difference.</p>
<p>To those who think that bullying, or at very least, learning how to navigate these tensions at the ripe old age of 13, is a necessary part of growing up, I could not disagree more. Skills don’t emerge magically full blown. Middle school meanness stays with people all through their lives. (Read Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye.) IMO, growing a strong sense of self with a lot of encouragement is a critical foundation. Once that’s in place, there’s a lot more ability to deal with slights and meanness.</p>
<p>To the OP, talk seriously with your D and don’t take anything off the table, even stopping mid-year. Find out what’s really going on and together, investigate the options. Is there a homeschool network in your area? Is there a Jewish day school you would consider? An immersion or travel program? Service learning? All of these could provide excellent mid year options. Give her the freedom to do the research and make proposals to you. If you have to take her out of school entirely while looking for the best spot for the following year, do it.</p>
<p>Having read through some of the very thoughtful responses now, I’m observing that there are those who believe nastiness is an inevitable developmental stage and those who say it’s not true. I’m in the latter camp, having witnessed a school setup where meanness simply wasn’t tolerated. Teachers were involved and outspoken and made it clear to the children they taught the sort of behavior that was expected. </p>
<p>I attended a community meeting a number of years ago where high schoolers in the local public school talked about their experiences in middle and high school. What struck me was how lost they all felt, bullies and bullied alike. Most of them felt that they had no adult to turn to and indeed, the teachers claimed that they just didn’t see the bad behavior because it was carefully kept out of their sight. The system in place created an atmosphere were meanness flourished because there were no repercussions and there was no respite for the targeted kids.</p>
<p>As long as adults shrug their shoulders and regard “mean girl” behavior as inevitable, it will be.</p>
It never ceases to amaze me how often teachers allow themselves to be sucked in by the “popular” crowd. In fact, IMO some teachers, especially phys. ed. teachers, choose the profession so they can still hang out with the “cool kids.”
This is what my Ss had at their small K-8 Catholic school. It wasn’t perfect, but the cattiness was kept to a minimum and the friends they made there are the ones with whom they’ve stayed close.</p>
OP, I hope your D’s negative experience has been brought up to school counselors and administration( sorry I haven’t read the whole thread). Schools are for everyone, not just the “populars.” I can’t imagine administration not taking action or counselors not trying to get to the bottom of the issue.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I know it can be difficult for girls that develop earlier than others and skin problems add to that difficulty. Maybe your D just needs a break from putting on a happy face everyday. If she is truly miserable and the easy avenues have been explored, then I don’t see a problem with homeschooling for a little while (or however long works). Many public schools have an independent study program that can help with the transition.</p>
<p>I feel for her. I also don’t agree that bullying is a necessary evil. It can have a negative life long impact on the receiver. Some kids are just more sensitive than others.</p>
<p>Well, in my memory of middle school mean girls, the attacks aren’t physical but a well-sharpened tongue can hurt more.
Or they like small annoyances of their creation.
And bullying of that sort is quick and underhanded. Trying to explain to an adult what is going on and how it hurts can be next to impossible because on the surface comments/actions didn’t always mean much or even appear that bad.
In most cases an adult would probably have said to shrug it off. And most times the victim tries to also–but constant comments wear you down. Only your friends can keep you sane in that situation but they can’t really help you for fear of becoming the next target.
And most of the “mean girls” are still pretty mean and the nice ones are still nice to this day.
Running to teachers and administration isn’t very helpful for the most part. Avoiding the bully and/or learning specific words or tactics for situations would be more helpful. Like a training video on how to deal with rude customers…</p>
<p>Flossy–you appear to be one of those adults that can’t/won’t understand how subtle attacks of bullying are so hurtful. If you asked your kid if they were being bullied they would tell you no because they aren’t being beat up in the school yard.
But those subtle attacks (as insignificant as they may seem to you AS AN ADULT) can stay with an impressionable youngster for life.
My point is that parents/adults in a lot of cases will never hear the real story of bullying. The embarrassment can be great and self-doubt (I should be able to handle this but can’t) keeps kids from telling.
What if you walked into your bosses office (bigger than you) and said your hair looked like cr*p and lose some weight? Or–(subtly)–I need you to look nice tomorrow for the meeting. Spanx is on sale.</p>