<p>Again–so what do you teach your kid to say in response to taunts? Ignoring it doesn’t work and the wrong response invites greater torment. Trying to make the bully a better person does not help the victim.
Actually martial arts training is a good suggestion. It’s very empowering and teaches discipline. Just knowing one can defend oneself in a physical situations can help self esteem and a better response in a non-physical attack also. Martial arts teach defense, not violence.</p>
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<p>No it doesn’t need to be, but martial arts isn’t really about self defense, it’s about respect, self control and empowerment. My daughter gained a lot from her years training and competing in karate, most importantly a large group of friends who didn’t go to her school.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, lafalum, but where is the evidence that people who were miserable and bullied in school learned to be strong? Is there one poster here who was bullied over a long period of time in school, and who believes being bullied helped them?</p>
<p>Let me weigh in on the NO side here for myself. I look back on my school years with horror. It was unremitting misery. It didn’t teach me anything but to withdraw. I would never, ever recommend that a parent subject their child to anything like what I went through.</p>
<p>And, as I’ve said here before, my emotional reaction is that the only way I’d go back to my high school or junior high would be with matchsticks and gasoline.</p>
<p>If you’ve actually identified the one girl who is her tormentor, why not invite all to the Bat Mitzvah except her. If she’s already invited, call and cancel the invitation. I’m serious. Ice her out. She deserves nothing and doesn’t have to be included for you to be a nice family. </p>
<p>If the girls ask your D why Bullygirl isn’t there, she is free to answer, “because she isn’t nice to me, and you all are.” If her mother calls to find out why she is un-invited, tell her that her daughter is the sole bully, and that’s why. Don’t back down or re-invite her. Let them experience some consequences.</p>
<p>For the adults: A significant author on the topic of teen girl bullying is sociologist Leora Tanenbaum, author of “Slut” and “Catfight.” To do her research for her first book, she sat on the stalls of middle school girls’ bathrooms to listen to their conversations at the sinks. Crazy stuff. She’s also written about Jewish women’s equality, which might be empowering; I haven’t read it. I wish the OP good luck with everything.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with Laf’s post #100. Those mean girls grow up, and some of them stay mean. </p>
<p>In these discussions, it seems like we should differentiate between physical bullying (unacceptable) and verbal bullying (also unacceptable, but harder to control).</p>
<p>Fang, you perfectly describe my experience in middle and high school (#103). The worst years of my life, by far. I still bear the scars.</p>
<p>OK, so for LasMa and for me, surviving bullying didn’t make us “to grow up and be strong, independent, resilient people.” Rather, it left us with scars that still hurt forty years later. </p>
<p>Being exposed to social adversity didn’t teach me to deal with social adversity. I still can’t deal with social adversity. Only now I don’t have to, because I can leave, something I wish I could have done instead of going through six years of school hell.</p>
<p>I agree with you, Fang. My D having to “deal with it” until we learned the depth of the problem changed her forever. In some ways she IS actually stronger, but I think it’s more because she learned that she could come to us and trust us to have her back, not because she had to muddle through on her own.</p>
<p>Homeschooling is not the only option to get your daughter out of her present school. Have u considered a college preparatory boarding school? We have one child in BS now and a second child applying. We are terribly underwhelmed by our kids middle school. We just couldn’t imagine more of the same for them for 4 more years of high school. Your jaw will drop when u see what these incredible schools can offer your child. Many schools offer VERY generous financial aid. For instance, at Phillips Exeter Academy, kids from families earning 75k or less, attend for free.</p>
<p>Suggest u visit the Prep School Admissions forum</p>
<p>Having the scars made me determined to do all I could to prevent my kids from being victims and step in more than my folks did. They knew my older brother was bullied (tho not the extent of it). They didn’t know I was bullied because I never revealed it to them. I still have the memories of the loneliness and isolation all these decades since. Yes, my brother and I are strong people, but I prefer not to have anyone I love have to endure those years of torment without any adult help. The adults at school saw what was going on but mostly just turned a blind eye. I was physically bullied AND teased and isolated. The sad thing is that some of the bullies and their friends have convenient amnesia of their cruelty and are surprised that I didn’t mourn the death of one of the biggest bullies of my youth. Yes, it was over 45 years ago, but the scars are still there.</p>
<p>Wow. That’s stunning people think “oh, kids have to learn how to be tough” and bullying is an acceptable way of toughening the children. Okay, when do the bullies learn this lesson? And who made them the “toughening” teacher? Last, I really don’t want my children to learn that bullying is acceptable behavior which would be one outcome of the “do nothing” option. </p>
<p>Yes, I want resilient and strong children. I just don’t think hitting them with verbal and/or physical blows is a good or even acceptable method of reaching that goal. </p>
<p>The OP’s description of the situation illustrates a classic bullying case. A queen bee girl rallies her drones to target and ostracize a single girl. Often the other girls, who may be “sweet and nice” on their own, follow the queen bee’s lead and altogether make life horrible for the victim. All the girls know how to act toward teachers and parents, so often it is difficult for the victim to complain.</p>
<p>Haven’t read the whole thread. </p>
<p>We know of a family that home schooled their kids for middle school where they accelerated and got a ahead for high school, and then went back to public school for HS. They hired tutors to come to their house to teach. It was actually cheaper than private school by a lot. Kids excelled in HS and eventually went to the best LACs. Middle school can be really awful. </p>
<p>This sounds like an ideal solution for your D and might give her an opportunity to learn things that should could never learn in a brick and mortar school. </p>
<p>You might want to discuss this with the high school (not the middle school) about what documentation you would need to place them properly in math or other subjects when HS comes around. </p>
<p>As far as sports, my shy less athletic D eventually tried fencing and because it was an individual sport that didn’t involve actual pain (like martial arts), and she loved it. She doesn’t have plans to compete in the Olympics, but it’s still a big part of her college life. Fencing kids are often pretty good kids too.</p>
<p>Apparently no one bothered to read my entire post. I didn’t say kids have to put up with bullying to be tough. I specifically said that I was NOT referring to bullying - which by definition, is repeated, targeted and carried out by someone with more power than the victim. From the OP’s description, this isn’t classic bullying. It’s one mean girl making nasty comments about her D’s complexion. </p>
<p>I said that if this situation - as it has been described to us - is ONE mean girl making nasty comments to the D, then pulling the kid out of school is not going to teach the D any lesson other than to run away when things are difficult and that she’s not capable of taking care of herself.</p>
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<p>It’s never just one mean girl. It’s one mean girl making comments, and a bunch of other girls standing next to her and laughing.</p>
<p>Right. To me is not whether or not kids should have to endure bullying to develop character, which I think is absurd and hurtful, but whether, in this particular situation, there might be less severe means to the same end. </p>
<p>It is possible that the bullying is actually more widespread than the OP or the girl’s teachers are aware. It is also possible that if the daughter tries to keep her distance from the one bully, her friends will turn on her and leave her utterly isolated. But, it could also be that calling the school and seeing if they could, say, change her schedule around to avoid classes with that girl combined with having a discussion with the friends to let them know how hurtful she finds the other girl’s behavior could make a world of difference.</p>
<p>I just don’t see how pulling a kid from school mid-year - especially when the idea was suggested initially by the mother - is the only possible option given the information we have. It may indeed turn out to be the best option, but it may not.</p>
<p>Well, I certainly don’t think anyone should have to endure bullying to develop character and I think it’s a reach to suggest that any poster on here suggested that. I also think it’s a bit of a reach to call this bullying. The OP didn’t and neither did her daughter.</p>
<p>What she said was that her child is oversensitive and reacts to things that are not even about her and that one girl says mean things and some kids on the bus teased her and she has bad skin. None of that sounds too far out of the norm from what happens to most kids in middle school. Most of us remember some degree of teasing about something at that age.</p>
<p>On any given day if I asked my 12-year old if she wanted to quit school she would say yes, undoubtedly. It’s not going to happen.</p>
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<p>Allowing a 13 yr old to make this decision is empowering. Allowing her to reject the status quo is also empowering. I think it has the potential to be a positive completely life changing experience. </p>
<p>What is the worst that can happen? It doesn’t work out? She goes back to school? She still had the experience of being taken seriously and taking responsibility for her own decisions. </p>
<p>Why all the support here for the status quo? for avoiding and adapting and blending in? That is not an empowering solution imho.</p>
<p>The only positive way for a girl to stay and school and respond to this situation, imho, is to form her own social group in opposition to the mean girls. It can be done. I did it. It became a very large group. Junior year = 40 girls on spring break. It was exhausting and not a good use of time if you are interested in academics. It sucked up all my time. It also really wore me out. I don’t think many girls have the interest or energy in choosing that path and I think it is absolutely too much to expect of them.</p>
<p>OP’s daughter has a friend group and is doing well academically. The opposition to change is coming from people who are responding to the OP’s issue rather than making up a big bullying situation that does not exist imho.</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like you and D are exploring several good options that she can choose among. Good luck to both of you as you move forward. Bullying is a tough thing to ID and figure out what to do about. It sounds like both of you are working together on this and your D will figure out something that will work for her.</p>
<p>I think I was a pretty mature 13 year old, but encouraging me, at 13, to do every single thing I wanted to do wouldn’t have been “empowering,” it would have been enabling. Whether a particular action is empowering or enabling depends largely on circumstances. Supporting a kid’s decision to risk punishment over participating in a protest against a policy she considers unreasonable, for instance, is probably empowering if the policy is “we refuse to allow a gay-straight alliance to meet in this school,” and enabling if the policy is “no midriffs.” Parents can’t simply automatically defer to the judgment of a a young teen.</p>
<p>What’s the worst that can happen? Well, the student might wind up very lonely, for one, and, as it isn’t necessarily the smartest thing in the world to leave a 13 year old home alone all day every day, at-home, online schooling might require considerable inconvenience to the parents. If she ultimately winds up in private school, that’s going to be expensive. Even if the majority of her friends are decent people, they might not be so great about keeping her in the loop once she leaves school, especially if they perceive her departure as an overreaction. If she continues with online education for some time, it might make her adjustment more difficult when she does, eventually, go back to a more traditional academic environment, whether for high school or college. Depending on the quality of her current school, it might be an educationally iffy proposition as well.</p>
<p>Again, none of this means that she shouldn’t do it - it just means that OP should think very carefully and get a better read on the situation before deciding one way or the other.</p>