My dh is from MA and we have gone up every year forever to visit family. His mom, who has passed and now his sister and her daughters. He also has many cousins with whom he grew up. Every single summer we come up, he calls this one cousin and she throws together a get-together, very gracious, lots of fun. Then…nothing from them in return. Every summer they say they are going to come visit us, gets me all excited. Nothing. Now, my beef is that dh just “shows up”. He does not call a couple of weeks ahead to say “hey, we are going to be in the area”, no, he thinks it’s just fine to “call Helen” once we are here. Last summer she very mildly said something about him giving no notice, nothing bad but it made my ears perk up. Their daughter had a baby in May and we didn’t even hear about that! Now, we are up here and I finally said “I think it’s time to break up with the cousins. It’s all one-sided. You call her and I get the impression that she feels obligated to entertain us” and it makes me feel uncomfortable. But, to be clear, that is my perception, she has never, ever done or said anything to make me feel that way. But honestly, they make no effort to sustain a relationship. This time, it’s that another cousin’s daughter has gotten married overseas and is home and they are having a cook out at the “old homeplace” (special to all the cousins in my dh’s generation) and he’s like “well, I’ll call Helen and see what’s going on” and then the same old they’ll feel obligated to include us. And it’s a wedding reception so…we should take a gift and I don’t really know this girl hardly at all. I just feel it’s time to let this connection go. They…there are 8 cousins in that family…never, ever reach out to us. Never. Doesn’t that say something? I can tell dh is very crushed by my assessment. Should I relent and say “oh, go ahead and call them”? (I don’t want to, not at all, I feel very uncomfortable).
Okay, I see your point.
Have you ever offered to host them?
Can they afford to visit?
Maybe you should just set something up for them to attend?
I don’t get your point. Your husband reaches out to them when he’s in town and they throw get-togethers to see him, so how are you saying that there is “nothing in return”? Seems like they are the ones doing all the work.
And what is wrong with the cousin gently saying that she’d like a little more advance notice? She’s probably right.
Unless I’ve missed something in your post …
I guess if it brought pleasure to my spouse, I’d keep participating AND provide more notice. It seems like the hostess is doing most of the work, and it’s very nice of her!
I get it. You said " Every summer they say they are going to come visit us, gets me all excited. Nothing."
So it appears the only time you see them, or even hear from them, ( Their daughter had a baby in May and we did not even hear about that!) is when you contact them or visit them.
I agree with Pizzagirl that they are gracious enough to throw together a party or bbq when you visit. But it does seem that they make no effort and seem to have no real interest in building on the relationship other than yearly visits.
However, it seems to be important to your H to maintain the contact. So I would just look at it as your ( personally, as a W) trip to visit your H’s relatives becauce it is important to him. And do not expect anything else.
Instead of your H calling Helen to let her know you “are here” why not call her and invite her and the cousins to wherever you are staying for a casual get together. I am thinking perhaps Helen is feeling a bit like you with the reciprocation.
On the travel end, I find some families travel frequently to see friends and family and some simply do not. I think the advantage of you going to them is that your H can see everyone as they all apparently live in the same area.
I’m a very laid back person and I’d be extremely irritated if family showed up repeatedly with no notice. Heck, my parents still have a room in my basement and are here at least once a month and it still wouldn’t be OK if they just told me the day-of that they were coming down. She probably DOES feel obligated. Your H is family after all.
If you don’t know the cousin’s child that well, maybe there is a reason that you and your H weren’t invited. Not being mean, but the couple may have said “no, close friends and family only.”
If your H isn’t bothered, then I wouldn’t make waves. But I would tell him to call ahead of time from now on…
Do they maybe not travel a lot in general? After all, you are going to MA to mainly see H’s sister and her family and the cousins are nearby. It’s nice that she throws parties when you’re there, but they may travel more to see closer family members or members of her H’s family. It seems there’s always too many people to be able to visit properly!
How far apart do you live? I think that Helen might be feeling a little put upon, or that these once a year visits are sufficient for her. I would do what the other poster suggested. The next time you go tell DH you want to do something different. Tell her you’d like to meet at a restaurant or get other cousins to join you. I would have felt very uncomfortable when she said that, too.
I host a lot in the summer, and get annoyed with my guests lack of reciprocation through the rest of the year. They would never know I felt like that. Helen is just good at hiding her feelings, and I think she is tired of doing this. Just my guess.
And what if once a year visits are enough? Nothing wrong with that. Not every relationship needs to be constant contact.
In Myers-Briggs terms, you sound like an extroverted feeler. (I base this on your posts in general, not just this one.) Such a person can take offense where none is meant, because you have a high need for a lot of reciprocal back and forth and a high need to feel part of the cousin gang. I would not read anything into not knowing that so-and-so had a baby and no one told you. Well, people are busy. You’re someone they see once a year. You weren’t going to be high on the must-call list anyway. Not meanly, but that’s just how life goes.
"Every single summer we come up, he calls this one cousin and she throws together a get-together, very gracious, lots of fun. Then…nothing from them in return. Every summer they say they are going to come visit us, gets me all excited. Nothing. "
This is where I think you had unduly high expectations.
My H has 6 cousins, only one of whom I’d even recognize if I tripped over her. If any of the others came to our town and called us up, I’d be happy to go out to dinner and spend a pleasant evening, but I wouldn’t feel as though I needed to start planning a trip to their town to go see them. I would view getting together as opportunistic, not as part of a routine.
" we have gone up there every year forever"
That’s the pattern that has been set up and has been working…forever. Everyone is doing what they have always done.
If you want things to be different you are going to need to say so. You are going to need to openly communicate your needs and concerns about the relationship before you “break up.” Give his relatives a chance to meet your needs. It is possible everyone thinks everyone else is happy with the status quo.
@VaBluebird I agree with you, time to break up. It’s rude that they don’t at least try to stay in touch.
I would offer to take Helen out to a much needed dinner this time, to celebrate the baby and give her a night out!
Does your H stay in touch with the cousins during the year? If he doesn’t I don’t think you should expect them to. I am another one who would not be happy not to receive a call before you make the trip instead of when you arrive. Lots of notice is best. Helen is being very generous in throwing a party and may be waiting for you to reciprocate by taking her family out to dinner.
timely thread for me:
Last Thursday relatives called to say they would be passing through and would like to stop for a couple of days visit. That was fine because I love to entertain them. What was not fine was that I had more than a month earlier planned a lovely Sunday lunch for three other couples, all very close friends to whom I owed invitations, for a special get together before one of the couples leaves the country for several months.
So I had unexpected house guests and I had to redo my Sunday menu (and all the grocery shopping which had already been accomplished for the party) because the relatives don’t eat what I had planned, and I had to do a bunch more grocery shopping because I was providing more meals. And I had to get the guest space prepared, which didn’t take that much work but did disrupt the schedule I had set myself for the weekend entertaining. And once they arrived, we took them around sightseeing. And these are not the sort of house guests who pitch in and help with anything. Tht is probably my own fault. When I invite them, I expect to take care of everything. However, when they invite themselves…
Neither the relatives nor my friends have any idea this was aggravating to me, but it really was. The relatives almost created more work than I could accomplish successfully in the amount of time they gave me. Because I am getting old and slowing down and just can’t work as fast as I used to be able to. And I could have entertained each group much better if done separately.
It’s just rude not to give people advance notice you will be in town. It doesn’t matter if that is what your husband has done for years. It is really inconvenient for most people no matter how much they love you and value your company. It is only polite to reciprocate and ask them to do something for a local get together, rather than expect Helen to provide the get together. If Helen wants to give you a party, she will probably say so and keep doing what she is doing. If you invite her and she declines, that says something. She may be delighted to have a family party but wants some planning time. I know that is how I feel.
Telling folks to come visit when they are in the area is not really an invitation. Asking someone to come visit for a specific date and stay with you is an invitation. You owe Helen this sort of invitation, imho. Maybe you have already made such an invitation.
In my bubble, you just can’t go to a wedding reception to which you weren’t invited. However, ask that question on one of the wedding threads and see what answer you get 
Is there a reason you couldn’t host the family get together some place? Maybe your sister-in-law’s home? Maybe a picnic at a park? I think that would be a really lovely gesture. Of course, with no advance warning, some people will already have plans they just may not be able to change to get together with you.
I have a college friend that I often don’t give much warning to our (at best) once a year visits to her part of the countr. But she doesn’t throw me a party. We go out to dinner together and we usually pick up the check.
I’ve lost touch with all my cousins on my Dad’s side of the family, which I am sorry about. They are nice people just scattered around the country. My other set of cousins I have to keep touch with because we share vacation property. We are all so busy, it’s hard to make the effort to see each other except for specific occasions. Occasionally I discover one of them has been in NY and I’m a bit disappointed that they didn’t get in touch, but I can understand how sightseeing takes precedence!
I must be like that, too…an extroverted feeler!
It feels like you like these people, VaBluebird, so it would feel like cutting off your nose to spite your face not to have contact with them. But I echo what others are saying on here. 1) Give people more advance notice of visits; and 2) Offer to take THEM out for coffee / drinks / dinner so that they don’t feel obligated to host get-togethers.