Our family has a somewhat similar situation, where we are the ones who do the flying to visit the cousins (and one aunt/uncle) and keep those relationships thriving. They never come to see us. The difference from your situation is that they are always pushing to have us come visit, so they do want us. It plays out this way because we are a traveling family, and have more flexibility in being away from our jobs. When we visit, we get to see 3 families, and there is a family cottage that can accommodate all of us for a family gathering (no hotel needed.) For them to visit us, they have to decide if they want to use vacation days, travel budgets, dog-sitting favors or budget, etc. to come to our neck of the woods to see us, vs. spending those things on a true family vacation. One of the cousins has 4 young kids making it logistically difficult to do the trip. So we accept it as it is, always let it be known that they are welcome here but don’t push that issue, and make it a priority to go see them every few years. We value the relationship enough to do that, and greatly appreciate their hospitality. I do at times get annoyed at the expense to fly all 4 of us there, which they seem to ignore when they lament about why we don’t come more often or have decided not to spend this Thanksgiving with them.
Bottom line - if those cousins have no other reason to travel to where you are, it’s understandable that they won’t make it a priority to use days and budget to do it - especially if you haven’t offered up a very specific invitation (“please come next July for D’s bridal shower!” or something similar.) I agree with others that you should consider “hosting” your cousin(s) in some way while you are in their neck of the woods, and also make plans pre-arrival.
Really, it is just bad form to show up with little notice and expect that others will adjust their schedules. Perhaps men are less in tune with that? I am not sure, but I would have stepped in and sent Helen an email and let her know the dates that we would be in town as soon as I knew them. And in your circumstances it is not just Helen’s family that has to juggle things around but everyone who attends these get togethers to spend some time with you and H.
And “thank yous” are important. I have an annual holiday dinner for some of my husband’s cousins. We vacationed with them for more than a decade and I love them. The year we moved to their area, I gave a holiday party for all of them so they could see where we were living, and the next year one of them called to ask when MY “annual” get together was going to be. Last year there were 10 of them, plus my own family. Their family keeps growing! Not one person sent me any kind of thank you afterwards. They did thank me that day, but if I didn’t know them better, I would think they did it just to oblige me and I know that isn’t true. One year when the spokesperson called to ask the date, I told her since there had been several very recent deaths in my own family, I was having a difficult time planning any holiday at all and just couldn’t do it that year. None of them offered to host a get together. I had them again the next year. I have a grandbaby coming and this holiday party is not going to be a priority for me going forward. My kids love the cousins, but they have very limited vacation time. Cooking and clean up for the cousins takes away time I could spend with my own kids.
this is like a" get it off your chest" thread for me
Aren’t you all on Facebook? That is how I get all the news about all my cousins and their kids – babies, weddings, pet news, kid’s sports, etc. it is also super easy to drop a note via messaging (just did it with my cousin last week to tell him we will be in his city in a few weeks).
Regarding visiting – there is a critical mass of them in one place, and your H is from there. I don’t think it is a slight that they don’t come to you. It wouldn’t occur to me to be slighted, honestly.
DH wanted to stay connected with a favorite aunt/uncle and the various cousins, nearly all of them female, with their own lives. Most of them are in the same state, we’re a long day’s drive, but we’d be down there at least once/year.
But there was/is no expectation of deep closeness with the cousins, just this periodic contact, mostly for all our kids to have this sense of family. As far as I know, over nearly 30 years, none had had reason to visit our area. Sometimes I’d only know about a wedding or a baby if I checked FB (friends with one) and traced her connections to the others. I recently learned even the cousins in the same state aren’t routinely in touch, aren’t inviting the others to weddings. This FB cousin would be delighted to host us, has said so- but the occasion to be in her particular area has never arisen. That simple.
Reciprocation isn’t always tit for tat, we visit them, they visit us. If you want to stay in touch, we all send holiday cards. We touch base about simple things, weather, a vacation photo, etc. And I agree about advance notice.
To me it doesn’t sound ‘break-up’ worthy. They sound nice; you sound nice - it works the way it is. I would just work on the notice issue, and perhaps take them out a time or two when you’re in town if you can.
I have a male cousin who has come to town a time or two. It tends to be very informal. I just figure that guys don’t put thought into advance warning.
If OP and the cousins are on Facebook, I second the idea of announcing your travel plans on there. You could use a private message or make a post restricted to just the cousins if you don’t want to have everyone know you are leaving town.
Have you ever offered to host them?
Can they afford to visit?
Maybe you should just set something up for them to attend?>>>
Every summer we BEG them to come down. We live near D.C. so…no worries on things to do. And yes, they can afford to come especially if they stay with us.
Part of all this is that it just ticks me off that dh waits till he is here (we’re in New England now) to call them. His way of thinking is “if they can get together, they can, if they can’t, they can’t”. It embarrasses me.
Cousin is on FB but does not participate so a PM would be lost. I do NOT put out the information that we are traveling on FB. Even though my settings are a locked down as possible, I just don’t.
YOU know these people, so there’s no reason on earth YOU can’t let them know ahead of time. There is no rule that only biological cousins have to be the ones to reach out. And I suspect the lack of notice is at least partially to blame for them not communicating during the rest of the year. No notice, big party, lots of work, then radio silence until the next no notice arrival. It makes perfect sense to me.
This doesn’t seem break-up worthy to me if your H values his blood relations, which it seems they do. But you may need to pound it into his head that no one likes to be surprised with last-minute plans and that he needs to step up. If he won’t do it yourself. But since this has been going on “forever” the cousins may still not be in contact the rest of the year. Long-standing patterns are hard to change.
It’s funny to me how some men can be so literal and ‘surface’ oriented (not all men of course).
It’s possible that in your H’s mind, if he calls them and they can get together (i.e. host you guys), he takes them at face value and thinks it’s fine! He may not ‘read’ the undertones of the situation. He probably likes to keep his options open, too, when you guys are there and if it works out great - if not, no sweat.
Your H cares about this relationship and it is important to him–I wouldn’t cut off ties. Next time you visit show them that you value the relationship–treat them to dinner and give them some notice or offer to help them with the party, for example, -up, buy some of the food, handle the clean-up.
You’re very welcome! I come from a large family (both my parents had numerous siblings) and there are certain factions which I get worried about being perceived as ‘neglecting’ because they may or may not take stuff the wrong way. I’ve just resolved to motor on with all of them and do our best, and otherwise let it go.
I think it’s sweet that you guys have made the effort to stay in their lives, and that they have made the effort to see you when you’re in town. That really is something.
Wives/moms often have to fill in the gaps. No offense intended, but often we just do. And vice versa, sure.
I think we’ve got several issues here- giving them notice, which is simple manners, the sort of things we train in our kids. Not expecting any sort of big whoop, even declining that, if it troubles the others (being sensitive to that, not assuming it’s all “their choice.”) Offering an invite of your own, when there. Partly, to reciprocate past generosity, partly to spare them the effort. And not expecting that, no matter how you beg them, they really want to come down to DC. Just because you pack up and show up, doesn’t mean they want the same sort of expedition.
“Every summer we BEG them to come down. We live near D.C. so…no worries on things to do. And yes, they can afford to come especially if they stay with us.”
People have lives, VaBluebird. Your H isn’t the only relative. Their spouses have extended families too. You don’t know what kind of budget they have, what kind of vacation time they have, etc. For all you know their vacations are already spoken for with other plans. Or they have other obligations you don’t know about. If DC isn’t in their travel plans, then that’s how it goes. If your H isn’t upset that they don’t come visit you, I don’t see why you should be.
About the reception. General principal, never put others in a position where they feel “obligated” to include you or do something big for you. I wouldn’t call til the reception is past. Sometimes, it happens coincidentally (eg, if you hadn’t known about the party.) You can always do the manners dance. “We don’t want to interrupt your plans, Can we meet for coffee later?” If you do go, yes, a gift.
