I agree that advance notice is required - even if it is just a week or so. And an invitation out to dinner for Helen and her family. I would also bring a baby gift. The BBQ that is kind of a wedding party is a tough one. OTOH, including you is likely pretty easy and you could bring a gift and it is at the family place. But on the other, you weren’t invited and it is probably not Helen’s place to include you (the cousin whose kid got married is the one to include you). How did you hear about this event? Can he call the cousin whose party it is? Otherwise, I might skip it.
I have a lot of cousins on my dad’s side and we love to get together, but have not been included in weddings or baby showers or graduations, because there are just too many of us. Now that all but one of the older generation are gone, we maybe get together once a year and sometimes don’t hear about weddings and babies until after the fact. Many people say things they mean at the time, but don’t follow through on, especially in terms of getting together or keeping in touch. I think the yearly visits are great, but you and DH are the ones that need to reciprocate. If the cousins come to Helen’s party every year, that means they like seeing you.
If it were me, I would talk to Helen and tell her you have left the relationship to your DH and that you love seeing everyone, but that you don’t want your visits to be a burden on her. Maybe that will get her to express to what she really thinks.
My H is the same. It would never occur to him to call ahead, or plan ahead. I like to plan, he likes me to do those things for him, even if it’s not my place. And if someone calls him last minute, he doesn’t see anything wrong with that. Either he can or can’t.
The other night someone called him to play golf. They were on the course 5 minutes later.
Leaving aside the “last minute” issue, it seems that a big disconnect is that your H seems just fine with a “if we catch each other, great; if not, no big deal” relationship. It seems that you’re less ok with such a relationship and you desire it to have a different form. I would urge caution in assuming family relationships can only come in one “flavor.”
Well it seems you really try to reciprocate by offering to host. And it is trickier that it’s your husbands family as you probably don’t want to have a fuss with him that you took the lead by calling Helen when it’s his cousin. That does put you in a pickle. We are all different, with different tolerances. It might be worth your while to 1) put your foot down and tell him you aren’t going unless she receives advance warning or 2). My preference would be to invite them out to dinner while you are there.
The reciprocation of “come visit us in DC” isn’t something the cousins appear to have any interest in, though. So it doesn’t really count as reciprocating anymore, I don’t think.
Sorry, but need to put this up again. " she throws together a get-together, very gracious, lots of fun. Then…nothing from them in return."
Maybe it’s just the wording, but they owe you nothing “in return” for throwing you a dinner. They don’t owe you that, since they made their effort, they should set aside money, make reservations and travel to you, to see your sights.
If you had said they did come to DC, had plenty of time on their hands, and didn’t call you, then I might read the tea leaves a little differently.
Sorry, but need to put this up again. " she throws together a get-together, very gracious, lots of fun. Then…nothing from them in return."
Maybe it’s just the wording, but they owe you nothing “in return” for throwing you a dinner. They don’t owe you that, since they made their effort, they should set aside money, make reservations and travel to you, to see your sights.
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It was my poor wording. “nothing from them in return” means “not keeping in touch” in return, which translates to my discomfort that they really aren’t all that into us, so maybe we should give it up. WE are always the ones reaching out.
Other than your husband calling them and hoping to get together when you are in the area, does your family communicate with Helen’s family any other time during the year? Do you write or email after the get together? Send them photos you took at the event? Send a newsy holiday card? anything? Or is your expectation that having called when you are in town is your way of keeping up for the year? If so, it may be their thought they are keeping up by having a get together for you when your husband calls them. I would probably feel that way.
I can honestly see all kinds of different points of view of different family members in the different families based on what you have written and it is probably impossible to judge what is happening even with a whole lot more information.
VaBlueBird, family can be like that. They get together when they do. Do them a little nice something (a card or letter, lunch offer while there, a little gift for the baby or the new couple,) send a holiday card early, see if one comes back. I guess I’m confused about how you’re always reaching out, besides inviting them to your home.
I’ve got some of this same weirdness on DH’s side, (mine is pretty non-existent, now.) But its not a major concern. We get together when someone decides to throw a reunion or sometimes when my family is down there. None of them, that I know of, has been within 50 miles of where I live (also interesting) in the 30-some years I’ve known them, since we married. The bonds may seem slight, but they’re there. Good luck with this.
" in return" means “not keeping in touch” in return, which translates to my discomfort that they really aren’t all that into us, so maybe we should give it up. WE are always the ones reaching out."
I still think you’re reading something wrong here. You’re in town, you call. If they were consistently busy and blew you off, you might conclude they aren’t all that into you. But they go all the way to the trouble of hosting get-togethers!! Year after year! Which is a lot of work! Seems like they are more than generous.
What would happen, though, if they really weren’t all that into you? Is it really such a shame? You can’t force friendships just because people share DNA. You may just not be one another’s type. That’s ok.
Your options aren’t just “continue as is” or “never ever ever call them again.” Maybe your H’s attitude of “we will catch them if they’re free and if not, no big deal” is the right attitude to have towards these folks. I don’t know. But he seems untroubled by not being closer.
On your side of the family, do people interact differently? Do people visit, regularly communicate, keep up with news, make a lot of effort?
Assuming you reach out to them with news during the course of the year, I still could imagine they had too much going on to let you know about the baby (and maybe the baby’s parents expected them to send announcements) or they may just be the sort of people who don’t send cards and messages or call. I have family like that. And they absolutely freak out if I don’t call them at least once a month. But it never occurs to them they could call me. I am pretty sure they like me. That is just our relationship.
I understand your discomfort. If you could convince your husband that you two make the invitation to some sort of get together you provide this year, I think you would feel a whole lot better about it all. If Helen is never saying she is busy, and everyone else is showing up, it sounds to me like they all like you and value the relationship. I think your husband is making" keeping up" unnecessarily difficult for his cousins.
If everyone had known when you would be in town, maybe they would have invited you to the reception. If not, it would have been clear it wasn’t appropriate to attend. Now it is just awkward whatever happens, at least in my opinion and I am understanding you feel that way, too.
I’m from a not so large family in which many relationships outside of the nuclear family are handled a bit carelessly. We’re not un-caring, but we’re just a bit sloppy about staying in touch. As it happens, several threads of the family have summer homes in the same area, so the kind of (spontaneous) get-together you describe happens from time to time. Or doesn’t. Some members work harder than others to make them happen. The distances between where we all live normally, the different places we are in our family lives (small children, elderly parents, work, college) make it really hard to see each other in any other context. FB is helpful, because that’s how we usually discover that we’re all in the same place. Rarely do we try to make arrangements in advance. So if this were my family, the fact that you see each other once a year is great.
No, don’t break it off. The fact that they don’t make the effort to come see you means little. But I think that you can step up your efforts to make this easier and less awkward.
For your part, see if you can “host” when you visit. Book a restaurant, charter a boat, plan a picnic. In other words, see if you can take the burden off the host and “reciprocate” without having to get everyone to your place. Try to give them notice. Acknowledge that they’re always kind to do something so that everyone can get together. Let them know that for you, as the “non-blood” member of the tribe, it feels awkward that you’re always going to visit them and that you don’t get to host them at home, which you’d love to do. Ask what you can do to make it easier.
My guess is that when they say they’d like to come visit, they mean it, but it just doesn’t happen. Life is like that. But don’t set things up so that it never can.
Could he just call and say, “hey we are in the area, but we don’t want to put you out, would there be a day where we could meet in the middle for lunch/dinner?” If it doesn’t work out then fine.
The other thing is, you can’t judge how much they care solely by how often they call or keep in touch. I have tons of cousins all over the place, many of whom I hardly ever see – many of them I see once every couple of years, at most And I’m not on Facebook so there’s no contact through that channel.
They may think we (my immediate family of origin and I) don’t care all that much about them but that’s simply not true! When I’m with my sisters or with my mom or with the cousins I am very close to, we talk about these absent cousins ALL THE TIME. I know all the details of their jobs, their kid’s relationships, houses, new babies, where everyone is going to college (and because my sister is very active on Facebook) even their vacations. We chat about this stuff as if they were a daily presence in our lives because we actually do care about them, even though we hardly ever see them.
I guess what I am trying to say, VaBluebird, is that just because they don’t contact you doesn’t mean they don’t think about you often. Indeed, the fact that they are scramble around at the last minute to see you when you unexpectedly appear in town SHOWS very strongly that they care about your husband.
If anything I would encourage you to THANK Helen graciously for entertaining you so often when YOU have not been able to reciprocate. Tell her just HOW MUCH these yearly get togethers mean to you and your husband, and try to give her some advance notice for a change!
Do you exchange xmas cards or other letters during the year? Do the cousins stay in touch with your DH’s sister? Maybe she could shed some light on whether to continue the relationship. If you do continue it I can see no reason why you can’t give them advanced notice on when you will be in the area.
I’m the “reach out person” in my husband’s family. Honestly if I never called the others, we probably would never hear from them. But when we get together…we do have fun. We are spread out all over the place, and do not have annual gatherings.
In my family, we have a sisters weekend every year…which entails me going to where the other three live. It’s easier for one to travel than for three.
If they didn’t call me…(which isn’t an issue…we talk every week), I would call them.
Some folks just do this…and others don’t.
I think it’s lovely that your husbands cousin throws you a party every year! Wow!
I have cousins like this, that I treasure. The family habit is to show up in their rural area with a little advance notice, stay for a day or two and move on. I grew up doing this, and we’d all gather in their area, which has a lot of personal meaning for me. The older I get, the more embarrassed I am about the one sided nature of us showing up, certainly helping with the work, but never hosting them. Now that suitable highways have been built, we actually live within a long day’s drive of each other and I have asked repeatedly for them to visit. They came once, when we arranged a get together for our mom’s. When the aunt in that location passed away, the cousins explained that they could never visit without their mom (she and I adored each other), which was a difficult project in her later years. But still, no other visits. I haven’t given up hope.
There are a few issues here. I travel at the drop of a hat, and love it. They did not grow up traveling and it is a far bigger deal. Times have changed. In my parent’s era, the ''60s, travel was by car, dinner was usually on the table at 6, and driving across the country was just not done by some people and if they took that time, it was special and of course you took them in for a while! Back at that time, women for the most part were home to host gatherings, preparing meals was always going on regardless, and the 40 hour work week was a given. Our lives are much more intense these days, if interesting, and hanging out with much of anyone for days at a time is something we don’t have time for. Your husband may be living under those older rules, the ones his family always used for visiting these folks.
If your H values the relationship, continue on. But try to let them know in advance, and bring a generous hostess gift and/or offer another venue in their town.
I confess I haven’t read every post on this thread, but some people are just more low-key. We’re happy to entertain friends when they pop by (with some notice, of course), but don’t do a lot of outreach. The result is that we see them just about as often as we enjoy seeing them, so it works.